Braytc Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 Hi everyone, Lately I've been dating a girl for about a month now. She's told me multiple times what I mean to her, and I've told her what she means to me. We both are really into eachother physically and she's a little shy but pretty much on the emotional connection side. I'm just a little confused , as to we are moving out of the dating phase and into an actual relationship. Telling our parents about one another, she came to my house to spend the night once but none of my parents were home, and kind of texting on a daily basis. To the ladies mostly out there, I just found it really strange, or maybe im over thinking it, that when i commented on one of her instagram photos with some love emojis, she removed it. I texted her asking her why, and she said this: **"I'm not ready to make it public between us yet" **i said something like "i cant compliment you? I want us to be proud of eachother ya know" **She said "Yeah, but i dont want it to be out yet and dont want people to think you're thirsty" Is this something girls usually do? They don't really want the public knowing about our relationship starting up? Of course every girl is different and she is a little different from others, but it's just kinda been eating away at me. She mentioned in the car she told her family about me that she's seeing but is a little too early yet for me to be meeting anyone because she feels until everything is completely permanent she wants to make sure the relationship will stay before she starts letting people REALLY know about us. It's just felt weird to me lately. Thanks for your help tl;dr Girl I dated for not too long, me and her pretty much are calling eachother girlfriend/boyfriend and moving into a relationship, but she isn't completely letting her family/public see me and her together yet. She also has been getting really quiet in texting eachother for some reason. She calls me her baby, yet has been barely texting me with her initiating the text or giving some one word answers to things that arent sometimes. Maybe i'm just being paranoid or worked up for no reason. Let me know what you think is going on. Thanks!
anzhoulau Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 By "we are moving out of the dating phase and into an actual relationship", did you have the exclusivity talk and confirm with her that you are bf/gf now? "she feels until everything is completely permanent she wants to make sure the relationship will stay before she starts letting people REALLY know about us." 1 month is too short and I would agree with her on this. As for the instagram comment, I wouldn't take seriously. She may got a whole group of gossip girlfriends who would ask her about all you bla bla bla and that can be annoying. .. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 It's at least a yellow flag. I'm not into announcements about my dating relationship status. When it organically happened I would introduce people to my family & friends plus expect to meet theirs. I never set something up nor did I put stock in social media (Which was admittedly in its infancy when I was dating). In college I doubt 80% of the men I dated ever met my parents. Keep talking to her. Try to casually integrate her into your circle, no pressure. See where she is next month. There is no rush as long as the lines of communication are open.
Author Braytc Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 It's at least a yellow flag. I'm not into announcements about my dating relationship status. When it organically happened I would introduce people to my family & friends plus expect to meet theirs. I never set something up nor did I put stock in social media (Which was admittedly in its infancy when I was dating). In college I doubt 80% of the men I dated ever met my parents. Keep talking to her. Try to casually integrate her into your circle, no pressure. See where she is next month. There is no rush as long as the lines of communication are open. Appreciate your advice. I did ask her why, and she gave me that answer , "i'm just not ready for it to be public yet. Just incase something would somehow happen and we would all the sudden stop talking to eachother, i dont want everyone seeing we break up. I want to make sure everything is for sure permanent before i start letting people put a face to the name of the guy i'm seeing" It's just kinda making me feel a little weird right now, i don't want to like annoy her with going super deep into this, but at the same time i feel like she shouldnt get annoyed because i have a right to know these things and we should communicate exactly whats going on, but she has been barely texting me the past 2 days for whatever reason compared to before. Maybe its just coincidence idk
Author Braytc Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 By "we are moving out of the dating phase and into an actual relationship", did you have the exclusivity talk and confirm with her that you are bf/gf now? "she feels until everything is completely permanent she wants to make sure the relationship will stay before she starts letting people REALLY know about us." 1 month is too short and I would agree with her on this. As for the instagram comment, I wouldn't take seriously. She may got a whole group of gossip girlfriends who would ask her about all you bla bla bla and that can be annoying. .. Thank you! We dated for a few weeks, i asked her about us , and she said due to her past relationship for the most part, she doesn't trust falling in love with someone for a while. Whether that holds truth or not, a few weeks went by, and now recently she's been calling me "hers" and ive been calling her "mine" and we've been texting like that for a while, so to me that should mean we are off the market and together. While i was talking to her, she said to her parents that "i have a thing" with a guy. She referred to it as "had a thing" with me so whatever that means lol.
anzhoulau Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 Thank you! We dated for a few weeks, i asked her about us , and she said due to her past relationship for the most part, she doesn't trust falling in love with someone for a while. Whether that holds truth or not, a few weeks went by, and now recently she's been calling me "hers" and ive been calling her "mine" and we've been texting like that for a while, so to me that should mean we are off the market and together. While i was talking to her, she said to her parents that "i have a thing" with a guy. She referred to it as "had a thing" with me so whatever that means lol. IMO she is exclusively dating you thus it's no prob calling each other "hers" or "mine". But she wants to take it slow and know you better before she "commits" to the relationship and tells ppl around about it. It's obviously by her refering you as a guy that she has a "thing" with instead a simple boyfriend label. How does she behave during the dates? Does she look happy spending time with you? If yes then I see nothing to worry about here. It's only a few weeks and she just need more time to assure after the spark period, you will still be the sweet guy she dated in the first few weeks. Give her time and space and keep the good dates going. I would probably be worried if she still refers me as "a thing" after 3 months in.
Author Braytc Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 (edited) IMO she is exclusively dating you thus it's no prob calling each other "hers" or "mine". But she wants to take it slow and know you better before she "commits" to the relationship and tells ppl around about it. It's obviously by her refering you as a guy that she has a "thing" with instead a simple boyfriend label. How does she behave during the dates? Does she look happy spending time with you? If yes then I see nothing to worry about here. It's only a few weeks and she just need more time to assure after the spark period, you will still be the sweet guy she dated in the first few weeks. Give her time and space and keep the good dates going. I would probably be worried if she still refers me as "a thing" after 3 months in. Appreciate your response! I wish i could tell you flat out the details, but the past month has been extremely strange. I wasn't sure about how or what to say here to you guys really. She doesn't go out with me a whole lot, she doesn't even text me a whole lot. After the first date she literally said to me over text "im scared to fall in love, i need to take it slow. That's why im having trouble seeing you, i'd fall in love with you because i like you so much" which was like 4 weeks ago. She came over one night a while later to spend the night and she said some things that she's clearly into me. She's texted me some pretty serious crap actually, and continues to call me "babe" and "hunny" and "mine" , yet it feels like she's really distant from me. I honestly wish i could paint a better picture but im completely at a confusion right now. She said we're a thing, she wants to fall in love with me, and all of these things the list goes on, yet it feels like she doesn't fully want to. I actually talked to her best friend, and her best friend said she's mentioned me a couple times. She holds hands with me. All of these things that it feels we are in a relationship, yet i feel like she is distant from me. It's the weirdest thing ive ever experienced. She's told me about her past relationship as borderline abusive, and her best friend told me she's been through really bad past relationships, so maybe this has something to do with trusting me? Edited March 14, 2017 by Braytc
Miss Spider Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 Hesitant to make it "FB official " because 1) shes not sure enough about your rship yet and doesn't want to jump the gun 2) youre her side piece lol 3) she's embarrassed:( I'm strongly leaning towards 1 I would not be cool with my "bf" not putting me on FB if I asked him to saying I seem too "thirsty" ( If I did that silly FB status stuff )
Author Braytc Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 Hesitant to make it "FB official " because 1) shes not sure enough about your rship yet and doesn't want to jump the gun 2) youre her side piece lol 3) she's embarrassed:( I'm strongly leaning towards 1 I would not be cool with my "bf" not putting me on FB if I asked him to saying I seem too "thirsty" ( If I did that silly FB status stuff ) I don't think the thirsty comment was directly at me or used in the same context. People don't know we're together yet, and she did say "im not ready YET to put it out to the public" so if im commenting on her pictures some of this stuff, it makes me seem like that. that's the only thing i can think of 1
Miss Spider Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 (edited) Oh okay I understand sorry. But still...that's her interpretation of it. That if you like her enough to comment on stuff and be her bf ... people will think you're thirsty. Nobody said that...she is using it as an excuse for you not to do it. Idk it just wouldn't sit right if a guy said something like that to me, particularly someone I'm calling my boyfriend Edited March 14, 2017 by Cookiesandough
Author Braytc Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 (edited) Oh okay I understand sorry. But still...that's her interpretation of it. That if you like her enough to comment on stuff and be her bf ... people will think you're thirsty. Nobody said that...she is using it as an excuse for you not to do it. Idk it just wouldn't sit right if a guy said something like that to me, particularly someone I'm calling my boyfriend She honestly just texted me back. Am i being too pushing in wanting to know what is going on between us? I think that is something i have the right to know. It feels like she's playing a lot of games lately. I just asked her if there's something wrong. She said "i just have a lot going on (my name)" I asked her, again because im a good "boyfriend", if its something she's feeling or anything she can talk to me about. Seems like an okay thing to say right? She said "i just rather keep to myself" I said "Are you happy with me, is it concerning us?" She said "i dont wanna talk about this right now" And again, i feel i have a right for her to talk this out with me and communicate with me. So i said i'd like to know. She says "Can you stop? You know what, i think we should just be friends for now" I told her "can i stop? i think i'm being thoughtful trying to talk things out with you. Why do you say that though?" Then she gave me which seems to be like an 11 year old immature text "im going to sleep. Night" I can't tell if there's games going on or what now. That literally just happened. Edited March 14, 2017 by Braytc
Miss Spider Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 (edited) She honestly just texted me back. Am i being too pushing in wanting to know what is going on between us? I think that is something i have the right to know. It feels like she's playing a lot of games lately. I just asked her if there's something wrong. She said "i just have a lot going on (my name)" I asked her, again because im a good "boyfriend", if its something she's feeling or anything she can talk to me about. Seems like an okay thing to say right? She said "i just rather keep to myself" I said "Are you happy with me, is it concerning us?" She said "i dont wanna talk about this right now" And again, i feel i have a right for her to talk this out with me and communicate with me. So i said i'd like to know. She says "Can you stop? You know what, i think we should just be friends for now" I told her "can i stop? i think i'm being thoughtful trying to talk things out with you. Why do you say that though?" Then she gave me which seems to be like an 11 year old immature text "im going to sleep. Night" I can't tell if there's games going on or what now. That literally just happened. I don't think it's games much as I think your interest in her and the relationship is just way higher than hers, evidenced by her behavior/words prior to this, as well. Your texts would seem very needy and overbearing to someone who feels that way. She said she doesn't want to discuss it a couple times. When people say that, prodding them for it is just going to push them away more/turn them off. It makes you seem desperate and pressuring. That's why she finally said let's be friends. If there is any chance at all for the this to be salvaged, which tbh I'm really not sure there is, iyou need to go NC now. Leave her be. Edited March 14, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1
anzhoulau Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 (edited) She honestly just texted me back. Am i being too pushing in wanting to know what is going on between us? I think that is something i have the right to know. It feels like she's playing a lot of games lately. I just asked her if there's something wrong. She said "i just have a lot going on (my name)" I asked her, again because im a good "boyfriend", if its something she's feeling or anything she can talk to me about. Seems like an okay thing to say right? She said "i just rather keep to myself" I said "Are you happy with me, is it concerning us?" She said "i dont wanna talk about this right now" And again, i feel i have a right for her to talk this out with me and communicate with me. So i said i'd like to know. She says "Can you stop? You know what, i think we should just be friends for now" I told her "can i stop? i think i'm being thoughtful trying to talk things out with you. Why do you say that though?" Then she gave me which seems to be like an 11 year old immature text "im going to sleep. Night" I can't tell if there's games going on or what now. That literally just happened. I am sorry OP but your keep asking has annoyed her and she is pulling back now. I understand you want to know what is going on but you really need to give her space for her to clean up her mind herself. Chasing only pushes her away. Send her an apology and say you can wait until she's willing to open up her mind. If she really likes you she will get back to you. If not you have the answer and it will be the time to move on. Just don't chase again, that can be annoying. Edited March 14, 2017 by anzhoulau
Author Braytc Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 (edited) I am sorry OP but your keep asking has annoyed her and she is pulling back now. I understand you want to know what is going on but you really need to give her space for her to clean up her mind herself. Chasing only pushes her away. Send her an apology and say you can wait until she's willing to open up her mind. If she really likes you she will get back to you. If not you have the answer and it will be the time to move on. Just don't chase again, that can be annoying. I'll take your advice and apologize. I just find it ridiculous after everything we've been through, and her saying all of these things in wanting me and saying "i complete her" and all of this ****, just to turn around and do this, feels like im being played. This is so ridiculous. What am i supposed to do. I feel like it's never about me. So i shouldn't talk to any girls and just sit here spending weeks and months waiting for her to get back to me? I am trying to "get" answers out of her so i know what i should do. Why should i sit here and wait around when she already made it apparent how much she likes me. It's one of two things. Either you like me and you want to be with me, or nothing. I did enough waiting around for a month+ now. I don't want to sit here waiting on something that may never happen and pass up on girls that i was actually talking to before she came along, is that what she expects? Edited March 14, 2017 by Braytc
Author Braytc Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 I don't think it's games much as I think your interest in her and the relationship is just way higher than hers, evidenced by her behavior/words prior to this, as well. Your texts would seem very needy and overbearing to someone who feels that way. She said she doesn't want to discuss it a couple times. When people say that, prodding them for it is just going to push them away more/turn them off. It makes you seem desperate and pressuring. That's why she finally said let's be friends. If there is any chance at all for the this to be salvaged, which tbh I'm really not sure there is, iyou need to go NC now. Leave her be. What am i supposed to do. I feel like it's never about me. So i shouldn't talk to any girls and just sit here spending weeks and months waiting for her to get back to me? I am trying to "get" answers out of her so i know what i should do. Why should i sit here and wait around when she already made it apparent how much she likes me. It's one of two things. Either you like me and you want to be with me, or nothing. I did enough waiting around for a month+ now. I don't want to sit here waiting on something that may never happen and pass up on girls that i was actually talking to before she came along, just to be left with nothing in the end, is that what she expects? It's wrong of me to want answers and communicate with someone?
Author Braytc Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 I don't think it's games much as I think your interest in her and the relationship is just way higher than hers, evidenced by her behavior/words prior to this, as well. Your texts would seem very needy and overbearing to someone who feels that way. She said she doesn't want to discuss it a couple times. When people say that, prodding them for it is just going to push them away more/turn them off. It makes you seem desperate and pressuring. That's why she finally said let's be friends. If there is any chance at all for the this to be salvaged, which tbh I'm really not sure there is, iyou need to go NC now. Leave her be. How is it needy and overbearing. If we're going to be and kind of already in a relationship, of course im going to be needy. We have been talking like we are with eachother for how long now. Its not like it's a random girl i dated once and now saying this to her, that would be being needy. It's like telling your girlfriend that you really want her, well no crap you both already told eachother you really want eachother. I dont see how that's being needy
anzhoulau Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 (edited) I'll take your advice and apologize. I just find it ridiculous after everything we've been through, and her saying all of these things in wanting me and saying "i complete her" and all of this ****, just to turn around and do this, feels like im being played. This is so ridiculous. What am i supposed to do. I feel like it's never about me. So i shouldn't talk to any girls and just sit here spending weeks and months waiting for her to get back to me? I am trying to "get" answers out of her so i know what i should do. Why should i sit here and wait around when she already made it apparent how much she likes me. It's one of two things. Either you like me and you want to be with me, or nothing. I did enough waiting around for a month+ now. I don't want to sit here waiting on something that may never happen and pass up on girls that i was actually talking to before she came along, is that what she expects? Take it easy bro. People all have sparks in the first weeks of dating and they say the sweetest words. But it's the time after the honeymoon period that you got to realize if you are really compatible for a long term relationship. She liked you at the first place, she turned around because you didn't give her the space she needed but kept chasing for a committment. It does not neccessarily mean she is afraid of committing but some people really need time to think about it, especially for ppl who had a bad past. I didn't say you to wait for weeks and months. Actually if she doesn't message you back in days you know the answer. Besides, she said she wanted to be friends, so you have every reason to start dating other girls anyway... Edited March 14, 2017 by anzhoulau
Author Braytc Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 Take it easy bro. People all have sparks in the first weeks of dating and they say the sweetest words. But it's the time after the honeymoon period that you got to realize if you are really compatible for a long term relationship. She liked you at the first place, she turned around because you didn't give her the space she needed but kept chasing for a committment. It does not neccessarily mean she is afraid of committing but some people really need time to think about it, especially for ppl who had a bad past. I didn't say you to wait for weeks and months. Actually if she doesn't message you back in days you know the answer. Besides, she said she wanted to be friends, so you have every reason to start dating other girls anyway... I appreciate it. I dont know if you got the picture that this wasn't like 1 date, or 2 dates, and then im expecting us to be married or something. This has been a good 1-2 months of exclusively talking to eachother and calling eachother our "one and only" basically. This isn't like some over night thing where i went out with her and the next day im like forcing stuff out of her. She said "we should be friends FOR NOW" idk if for now has any meaning
Miss Spider Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 She was on the fence about the relationship in the first place for whatever reason. Your feelings and hers are not, and probably never were on the same page. She drew lines from the get-go saying she's not ready, and as you said, it was a 'kind of' relationship. Her hot and cold behavior and drawing lines showed that. She acted affectionate , called you pet names, stayed the night, but that doesn't mean she was sold on this at all. She was already feeling iffy and the neediness pushed her over. I'm sorry but her texts to you show clear disrespect towards you much like the thirsty comment (yeah, I'm still on that) If you didn't want to wait in the limbo, if it's be with you or nothing, then you tell her that. If she wants that too then you have an official relationship. If not, you go on her timeline or leave and go after those other girls. You don't prod and pretend to be the overly concerned bf she's unsure she even wants you to be. She has the power, she sets the rules, she keeps you on the line, and that exchange shows she knows it. 2
Author Braytc Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 She was on the fence about the relationship in the first place for whatever reason. Your feelings and hers are not, and probably never were on the same page. She drew lines from the get-go saying she's not ready, and as you said, it was a 'kind of' relationship. Her hot and cold behavior and drawing lines showed that. She acted affectionate , called you pet names, stayed the night, but that doesn't mean she was sold on this at all. She was already feeling iffy and the neediness pushed her over. I'm sorry but her texts to you show clear disrespect towards you much like the thirsty comment (yeah, I'm still on that) If you didn't want to wait in the limbo, if it's be with you or nothing, then you tell her that. If she wants that too then you have an official relationship. If not, you go on her timeline or leave and go after those other girls. You don't prod and pretend to be the overly concerned bf she's unsure she even wants you to be. She has the power, she sets the rules, she keeps you on the line, and that exchange shows she knows it. And again, sounds like a game is being played. She continuously refers to it as "us" as in being together. I think that gives me the right to be "overly concerned" because i cant stand games, i want to know what is going on or nothing at all. Do all girls do this? It honestly makes zero sense just playing with emotions for months on end. I didnt think i was being needy or pushy at all.
anzhoulau Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 I appreciate it. I dont know if you got the picture that this wasn't like 1 date, or 2 dates, and then im expecting us to be married or something. This has been a good 1-2 months of exclusively talking to eachother and calling eachother our "one and only" basically. This isn't like some over night thing where i went out with her and the next day im like forcing stuff out of her. She said "we should be friends FOR NOW" idk if for now has any meaning Trust me I totally understand what you are feeling. I am in a similar situation right now and the only difference is that we have been dating for 4 months. I don't chase cuz I know it does not help. Express my feelings, give space if the other one asks for. If I don't get the answer I want or I dont get an answer within the time frame I can bear waiting, I pull off and move on. That's dating. You are 23 and still young (no offense saying so), when you're in your 30s or 40s and dated more girls, you know there are people who act at their best in the first few months and suddenly become iffy, for whatever reason. That's who they are and there is nothing you can do to change it. Work on yourself, think about if you still want a relationship with her if she keeps acting like this, even she gives you a title. She's not the only one in the court, you also have the right to call it off. Best luck.
Author Braytc Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 (edited) Trust me I totally understand what you are feeling. I am in a similar situation right now and the only difference is that we have been dating for 4 months. I don't chase cuz I know it does not help. Express my feelings, give space if the other one asks for. If I don't get the answer I want or I dont get an answer within the time frame I can bear waiting, I pull off and move on. That's dating. You are 23 and still young (no offense saying so), when you're in your 30s or 40s and dated more girls, you know there are people who act at their best in the first few months and suddenly become iffy, for whatever reason. That's who they are and there is nothing you can do to change it. Work on yourself, think about if you still want a relationship with her if she keeps acting like this, even she gives you a title. She's not the only one in the court, you also have the right to call it off. Best luck. Thank you for that. Makes me feel better. Do you think i still have a chance to bring it back if i tell her everything. That im sorry and want to keep going forward with what we had together? Im just a very loyal person. If i like someone i like them. If i dont i dont. I dont leave things hanging on a limb, i say yes or no thats just how i am. So when someone is giving me all of these mixed signals i guess i can get a little annoyed and maybe come off as pushy but i really just want the best for both of us so theres no time wasting. I mean well when i ask her that question because i care about her. Personally when i like someone i end up loving them and want to see if we can make something work right away, im just a very YES or NO person. There are many other girls that were asking me to go on dates before her so that also has me like , wtf. Edited March 14, 2017 by Braytc
Versacehottie Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 She honestly just texted me back. Am i being too pushing in wanting to know what is going on between us? I think that is something i have the right to know. It feels like she's playing a lot of games lately. I just asked her if there's something wrong. She said "i just have a lot going on (my name)" I asked her, again because im a good "boyfriend", if its something she's feeling or anything she can talk to me about. Seems like an okay thing to say right? She said "i just rather keep to myself" I said "Are you happy with me, is it concerning us?" She said "i dont wanna talk about this right now" And again, i feel i have a right for her to talk this out with me and communicate with me. So i said i'd like to know. She says "Can you stop? You know what, i think we should just be friends for now" I told her "can i stop? i think i'm being thoughtful trying to talk things out with you. Why do you say that though?" Then she gave me which seems to be like an 11 year old immature text "im going to sleep. Night" I can't tell if there's games going on or what now. That literally just happened. Your insecurity is turning her off. If she was on the fence about you (she may have been), this current stuff from you is causing her to lose interest. I think she may have been saying exactly the truth about why she didn't want you to put the comment on IG & removed it and THEN it was your subsequent behavior that made her question the relationship on the whole. 2
Author Braytc Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 Your insecurity is turning her off. If she was on the fence about you (she may have been), this current stuff from you is causing her to lose interest. I think she may have been saying exactly the truth about why she didn't want you to put the comment on IG & removed it and THEN it was your subsequent behavior that made her question the relationship on the whole. I just found it extremely strange your "gf" would remove a comment so i asked her like a lot of people on these sites told me to do. I dont find that bad
Miss Spider Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 (edited) I just found it extremely strange your "gf" would remove a comment so i asked her like a lot of people on these sites told me to do. I dont find that bad I think she told you already why...she doesn't want you guys to be public and you to seem thirsty ie desperate. You don't fight that by pushing for more answers. Don't look at just her words, what she's callling you, but her actions. She's not acting girlfriendy..she's hiding you. Did you wind up apologizing to her? I thought you think you did nothing wrong. I think you really need to give her space and next time, don't push someone for answers as to why they pushing you away/keeping you at a distance. I don't think that ever ends well. Edited March 14, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1
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