wellbeing Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 (edited) Hello, this is my first post here and I apologize for its length, but it's really eating me up. I could really use some help and advice on all of this. So here's the backstory: About me - I'm in my early 40's (I am not a bad looking guy - I would say average but not too good looking, and I have slept with my fair share of women and been in several relationships; the last serious one was over a year ago). I met a beautiful woman that's a few years younger than me at a local bar back on New Year's Eve. She was by herself sitting at the bar, because she was sick, had no plans, but didn't want to be alone on NYE, more than likely. I ended up striking up a conversation with her, asking about her drink, and we pretty much instantly hit it off as we seem to have so much in common - both in the same profession, similar backgrounds, etc - we drank, danced, had an amazing time. I got her number, and walked her home that night. She takes a picture of the two of us and sends it to me later, but nothing happened physically that night - not even a good night kiss (with the exception of the clock striking midnight), because she was sick and I didn't want to send any unwanted advances. Over the course of the next few days before our first date, I call her, we talk for a while on the phone, then switch to texting because she says she's still coughing and sick. I find out that she's been married and engaged (and cheated on twice before during that engagement), but single for over a year of not dating - that she's just opening herself up to it again. Bear in mind that during all of this that we are constantly texting each other (initiated by her, but probably mistakenly carried on by me), and getting to know each other that way as well. I mean, full on emoji filled text conversations that are fairly intimate in the sense of getting to know you type of stuff. I'm a very visual, literate person, and love getting to know someone's mind this way. She's incredibly intelligent (we're both teachers), and we naturally carry on our conversations well in this medium. We then proceed to go out on two amazing dates, both of which are dinners - the second of which we go back to her place, share a bottle of wine and chocolate we get from the store, talking more, playing music, and I then end up kissing her. What's a little odd about this is that although she didn't pull away, it seemed to me that she didn't really throw herself into it either, so I took this as a sign to take things slow and NOT make a sexual move. The 3rd date comes along and it's casual - out to watch a basketball game at a local bar (she lives very close to me), after which I invite her back to my place, which is close to it. Again, I didn't want to "mess things up" with moving too quickly physically and be overly aggressive. She's also allergic to cats (I have one) and couldn't stay long as she said her throat was beginning to close up. So, in retrospect, things really wouldn't have gotten far sexually anyway as she was only at my place for less than 30 minutes. I didn't think much of it, but in retrospect it was stupid (from a guy's perspective, perhaps, to not make a move both that night and later). The next early evening after that 3rd date, I call her to ask her on another, and she responds back with a text the next day saying that "I've had time to reflect on our interactions, and while its been so nice getting to know you, I see a strong friendship connection, but not really a romantic one. Talk soon?" I know doing this by text can be construed as pretty lame in the first place, but I took it in stride and said I was sorry she felt that way, that I thought we had a great connection with a lot in common, but that I would be interested in being friends and not lose her from my life. She responds back the next day saying that of course we have a lot in common and she also wants to stay friends, but doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable. She also mentioned not getting my voicemail, saying that she was deleting older ones when I called which is why she didn't get it? Strange, I know. I responded back saying that I called to ask her out, but it's moot now, and I'd get over her not wanting to see me romantically in the long run. So, at this point we don't talk for a couple of days, and I'm okay with that, feel like I'm already moving on as I am very busy and under a lot of stress with a new job, but then she starts contacting me again via random texts - none of them romantically oriented, just more chit-chat based. The next weekend after that, I was going out to meet some friends for one of their b-day's and I invite her to meet up, as she was already out. So, we end up hanging out with my friends at a bar for a bit that Friday night, grabbing a late night bite, and partied pretty hard until late night, seemingly strictly platonic at that point, but we end up sending each other texts afterwards saying how much we like each other, etc etc. That Saturday, she goes to a play in the city (in retrospect now, most likely with the other guy she was interested in). But, that Sunday, we make plans to go to brunch and for a hike. She texts me all day off and on Saturday, even before the show and after saying that she's looking forward to hanging out the following day. We're both up early and it's on the hike after brunch that I decide to let my feelings be known to her - that I really liked her as more than friends and wanted to see her romantically. Probably a mistake again trying to talk someone out of putting me in the friend zone, I know. But she reciprocates! When I ask her why she had a change of heart, she tells me, "I thought you didn't like me." What a load of crap, right? I am so into her, I didn't even realize what bs it was at the time, and that I should've asked what that meant. I ignored it and was just happy that she liked me again, and we end up going back to her place and making out - fairly passionately this time. Granted, I probably should've made a move on her sexually again at that point, but again I didn't, and now I'm regretting it, but perhaps I would've felt worse now? I actually think my head was telling me not to due to the uncertainty of the whole situation, so perhaps I just wasn't in the moment. Also, she wasn't very much of a kisser, or it could've been that I felt her holding something back again. (Could this have been a pure chemistry issue between us? I am still not sure.) Anyway, we continue to talk throughout the week over text after that day and make plans. I ask her to come over at the end of the week to my place for dinner. I wanted that night to be special, and had plans to finally make my move. I make her a nice dinner, and she even bakes a pie - things are going really well. But again, when I try to kiss her, she seems reticent and like she's holding back. The rest of the weekend, she's very illusive and somewhat non-resposive via text, and I know something's up. She texts that Monday asking if we could talk on the phone, and I get home from work, she calls me and tells me she's confused, just started dating again, doesn't feel good momentum in our dating, basically sending mixed signals again. So, I ask her if what she's telling me is that she wants to be friends? She says yes, that I'm one of the "most intelligent, kindest men she's ever met", but essentially wants to be friends, or something to that effect. I also mentioned that at my age my time (and hers) is valuable, and that I'm looking for something long term, to which she replied, "I don't think any of our time has been a waste." Which showed me she wasn't hearing everything I was saying to her. I finally tell her that she's been reticent and fickle in her feelings toward me, and that I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by her second change of heart. I tell her, "that's twice now" as I begin to get a bit annoyed and agitated. She then proceeds to tell me to take some time and to contact her when I'm ready. I told her that the ball is in her court regarding that, to which she says "No, I don't think it is really". The conversation ends amicably enough and that was it. We haven't spoken since. That was way back on 2/6. I did send her a text a few days later, thanking her for the great pie she made, and that I still have her baking sheet that I'd like to return to her. She doesn't mention anything about the baking sheet in her quick responses about the pie, that she's surprised it lasted that long, lol etc, etc. Now, here's the real kicker that absolutely threw me into a tailspin of anxiety and overly obsessive thoughts about this person, which I am still trying to crawl out of. I looked her up on Facebook - even though we're not friends on there. She uses a different pseudo-name and not her real one, for various reasons related to her profession and exes, most likely. I see that she's uploaded new profile and cover photos, one of them with hearts around it, with herself and clearly a guy that she's seeing. I literally got sick to my stomach and threw up when I saw those pictures. I know this sounds like an extreme reaction for only dating this person for a little over a month, but I clearly had no idea that she was multi-dating since it seemed like a good deal of her spare time was spent with me, particularly on Friday nights and our constant texting back and forth. She uploaded those pics the day after Valentines Day, and I haven't been right since - extreme anxiety, can't focus at work, can't stop thinking about her, what went wrong, constant ruminating - what I could've said or done differently, or how I should've asserted myself more, physically - if that would've changed things, since she told me at one time that she likes the guy to take the lead (most women do, I know, but something was telling me not to and take it slow with her). I've been in a bad place, mentally, for a while now. I'm struggling with the fact that I know all of these things about her and the person she's seeing, but that I got in a way that's really unknown to her and by snooping. It takes a lot for me to not contact her on a daily basis, even though I have been strictly no contact since that last text back on 2/9, but a part of me wants to let her know that I realize now that she was multi-dating, and that I was ditched for another guy essentially, or that I was caught up in some sort of in-between, or on again/off again thing. I also made the mistake of looking up the guy who's in the pictures, and found out who he is - a very successful person who works at a very large high tech company that everyone (and I mean everyone here) knows, and from the looks of it is in a much more secure position in life than I am, in terms of monetary success and potential for her. He even lives farther away from us. I live very close to her, and he's in the next city over. I can't stop comparing myself to him, and it's wrecking my ego and self-esteem. I've since blocked them both over two weeks ago on FB, so that I won't be tempted to look at pictures there, but I know that could change at any moment, which would only make it worse. I am going to see a psychiatrist this week, finally, but in the meantime, I'm so torn up right now with anxiety, I don't know what to do at times. Its affecting my eating, sleeping, and daily life - including to the point of risking my job, where I essentially have to be in front of people every day. I tried going on a couple of dates and meeting other women, but that definitely hasn't worked and won't for now, as I'm constantly distracted with thoughts of her, especially when I'm alone. I'm seriously worried about my mental and physical health at this point. Sometimes, I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown. Thanks for taking the time to read this long story of mine...any and all feedback is welcomed. P.S. - It really hit me hard last night, and it was the first time I started crying uncontrollably. Delayed grief over this one. I really, really liked her, and, I think, began to fall for her during that month, even though there was no sex involved. Edited March 13, 2017 by wellbeing
FoundLove Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 I'm so sorry you're hurting so much... I went through something similar a couple of years ago. I found out on Facebook that the guy I was talking to online (on Skype) was in fact married and had a baby on the way. It absolutely tore my heart out. I couldn't believe this guy that was making me feel so good about myself, was actually lying to me the whole time. Believe me, I know how it feels to get blindsided like that. I will also never forget the moment I found out and can understand why you became physically ill. It's the worst feeling in the world! All I can say is the girl you thought she was, isn't real. Just ask yourself, knowing what you know now, would you really want someone like that in your life? You sound like a really great guy and you deserve SO MUCH more. The right one for you WILL come along - it's just not this girl. I met my husband about a year later and I never even think about the other guy anymore. Hang in there, you will feel better. Just give it some time. To prevent more heartache for you... don't contact her and keep her blocked on social media. 1
breadbin Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 I'm sorry you're hurting so much too. I am in the same boat and i am realising it is a journey we have to make for ourselves. No matter how much good advice I got, I am still making stupid mistakes with my ex. I wish I could have turned back time to when we broke up and I would have done things differently but this is life. It doesn't matter how long you were together. All that matters is how it is affecting you. Everybody it different. I know I am super sensitive and I get hurt so easily and so quickly. It doesn't matter that I was with a girl for 2 years or 2 weeks. I don't think age has anything to do with it either but I'm 40 now but have been hurt and not so hurt it all depends on the situation. Don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself to the other guy. I know from experience that everything is never so black and white and rosy. What do they say? "All that shines is not gold". You're obviously a caring, sensitive intelligent man and these are all positive things to think about. You met the wrong woman, she turned you upside down and inside out but you have to accept she is the wrong woman for you. I honestly feel my ex was so short-sighted and stupid for dumping me. I could have been the best thing ever for her. I treated her so well. She didn't want what I had to offer and it is her loss. You have to think like that too. Hopefully you will meet someone who appreciates you and wants to be with you. Someone who doesn't care about money or status. Most people don't but there are people out there that would actually bring that into the equation and you don't want to be with someone like that. I feel your pain. 1
Author wellbeing Posted March 13, 2017 Author Posted March 13, 2017 Thank you so much for the replies, FoundLove and breadbin, and thank you for the kind words of encouragement. I definitely needed to hear positive words like this right now. I can't really talk to my family or close friends about this anymore, as they are tired of hearing about it, and simply don't understand why I can't move on. I am not sure, either. It's like I'm stuck in an endless loop of ruminating thoughts that I can't break out of with her. She definitely triggered something deep down inside of me, that I'm hoping I can get analyzed with a professional starting in a couple of days. The weather here has changed, and it's Spring and warm (in the 70s), but all I can think about is how they're both falling in love, that I was caught in the middle, and how I've been slighted. It's taking every ounce of my being not to contact her, just to tell her how I feel and what I know.
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