It is you..but probably not in the way you thought

[winterkeep]

I'm about to break things off with a great guy. I read so many posts here from those who have been on the receiving end which are filled with confusion and desperation to fix the situation so thought I'd give my perspective.

 

It is you but its not.

 

What I mean by this is that there's a big temptation on the part of the person doing the ending to make an excuse "I'm not ready for a relationship" "I can't do long distance" "I want to focus on myself" etcetera. They may even believe it to a degree but the fact is that if its the right person and the right relationship these things don't matter, you work around obstacles because you want to.

 

In my case the guy is amazing. He's handsome, driven, successful and above all kind, considerate and is crazy about me - he is absolutely perfect - yet I feel suffocated when I'm with him. I tried making all the excuses to myself about my being tired, work being stressful I even told myself it was because he was a nice guy and maybe I'm just messed up and only like the bad guys. The truth is though that as much as I want to be (and I do) I'm not into him. I have been genuinely perplexed by why this is, but as a friend said to me there just isn't a reason.

 

He's done nothing wrong, he can't change anything as he's perfect the way he is - I just don't feel enough for him. So don't try to change or wonder what you did wrong, it devastates me to think that this beautiful man will possibly trouble himself over the same questions. If someone has left you I bet they think you're amazing too, but even more importantly someone else is going to and will also have the spark with you just the way you are.

 

I've been tempted to use a variation of the above excuses, but I'm going to be brutally honest. Yes its true to say I don't want to be in a relationship now, but if the right guy came along tomorrow I WOULD want to be in a relationship.

 

This didn't come out of nowhere

 

If you're honest you probably noticed that things seemed a bit off. Your ex certainly did, they've likely been questing the relationship for weeks or even months - the sad fact is that for them, they checked out a while before telling you.

 

I've tried to act like things are normal, in fact I probably upped the affection as I've being trying to give things an honest go. I instigated romantic dinners, told him I was missing him when apart and organised fun activities - because Ive been wanting to feel those feelings that are missing -I've tried to make this work. Sadly, for him he probably sees it as our growing closer, for me it just made me feel more empty. But if he was really honest he'd say that I can be distant and unaffectionate.

 

Your ex probably isn't trying to be cruel

 

I am going to stop initiating contact and will be fairly distant after we've had 'the talk.' If I had my way I'd have no contact for months, I'm not cruel or callous but I don't want string someone along. Its natural to feel like you can fix or change things to bring someone back, but if I've gone through the pain and discomfort of ending a relationship I've already given a lot of thought into my reasons for doing so.

 

No one wants to see someone they genuinely care for in pain, and maintaining a friendship with someone you ended things with is only going to prolong that.

They feel like a total jerk for hurting you

But they don't hurt, not the same way that you do. They wanted to end things.

 

I feel sad that I'm hurting him and that things aren't different and I am worried in some regard that I'm making a mistake the same way you do when you've made any big choice in life but overall I feel relief.

 

I took this weekend to myself as a final test before breaking up, I loved every single second of it. We don't fight, we share the same interests and genuinely get on well but when I did the same activities with my friends this weekend as I normally do with him I genuinely laughed and had a great time. With him I always felt slightly suffocated, like I was pretending. So yes I feel bad, i feel like a total witch to be honest but my feelings of relief outweigh my sadness and guilt.

 

I still feel like a witch though..

[Altair0770]

Well, thanks for being brutally honest.

 

I still think most the time though these feelings alter after the breakup has occurred for the dumper, in some situations. Hence why there are a few threads on this page of dumpers wanting their ex back.

 

The main thing is you don't know what you got until its gone. So hopefully your decision is the one you can look at in the future and decide it was still the right decision.

[lionlover1973]

I've tried to act like things are normal, in fact I probably upped the affection as I've being trying to give things an honest go. I instigated romantic dinners, told him I was missing him when apart and organised fun activities - because Ive been wanting to feel those feelings that are missing -I've tried to make this work. Sadly, for him he probably sees it as our growing closer, for me it just made me feel more empty.

 

So essentially, you lead him on.

 

Why not just address the issue(s) instead of lying,

i.e. "I told him I was missing him"

 

That's a lie.

[winterkeep]

Hi lionlover, I can see where you're coming from but I don't think I was leading him on. I did miss him, just not enough and I kind of think that as the one who ends the relationship you're damed if you do, damned if you don't. I didn't want to walk away from the relationship without really trying to make it work so what you see as my leading him on I see as giving it the best shot I could, if I hadn't of others could reasonably have said I didn't try hard enough and gave up too easily.

 

Altair I know that I've made the right decision and that I tried to do everything I could to make it work first. I've no doubt that there are people who decide they've made a mistake and want their ex back but I also think that the person who has been broken up with can't do anything to to bring that about and shouldn't bend over backwards to change.

[la74219]

I think most guys would appreciate you being brutally honest with them. I know I would.

 

With that said, are you sure? Lol you don't sound so sure..sort of like you're trying to justify your decision haha. Good men and women like you describe can be hard to come by. But best of luck either way!

[lionlover1973]

Hi lionlover, I can see where you're coming from but I don't think I was leading him on. I did miss him, just not enough and I kind of think that as the one who ends the relationship you're damed if you do, damned if you don't. I didn't want to walk away from the relationship without really trying to make it work so what you see as my leading him on I see as giving it the best shot I could, if I hadn't of others could reasonably have said I didn't try hard enough and gave up too easily.

 

Gotcha.

 

It just came across as falsehood as you lead with:

 

I've tried to act like things are normal

 

Followed by what you stated 'action-wise'.

 

But you've since stated that was not the case.

 

I'm glad that were able to properly access the situation. It's no one's fault really, you're just mismatched.

[winterkeep]

I agree with you la74219 good people can be hard to find and believe me I've definitely considered this. Realistically I could marry this guy and live a very comfortable life, I would have someone I genuinely care about (but don't love) and based on his financial sucess I would never have to worry about any future children not being able to have everything that wanted in life.

 

Like many of us I do worry that I won't meet the right person and will spend my life alone ultimately though I believe that living life authentically is more important. If I stayed with him because it was comfortable or because it meant I wouldn't be alone I'd be selling out on my own principles and robbing him of the chance to find a woman who's head over heels for him.

[la74219]

Understood and very well said. Although it would hurt me as a guy in that situation, I know I would appreciate the honesty in time. Best of luck.

 

I agree with you la74219 good people can be hard to find and believe me I've definitely considered this. Realistically I could marry this guy and live a very comfortable life, I would have someone I genuinely care about (but don't love) and based on his financial sucess I would never have to worry about any future children not being able to have everything that wanted in life.

 

Like many of us I do worry that I won't meet the right person and will spend my life alone ultimately though I believe that living life authentically is more important. If I stayed with him because it was comfortable or because it meant I wouldn't be alone I'd be selling out on my own principles and robbing him of the chance to find a woman who's head over heels for him.

[Heartbrokenandhurt]

Hey, thanks for your post. My ex boyfriend left me in January and i've struggled daily with the rejection and feelings of 'not being good enough'. It has affected me in a really bad way. I do hope that this is the case for him too... not that he doesn't think im good enough or pretty enough, but that our personalities don't completely match... the suffocated feeling you mentioned I felt myself, even though im the one completely heartbroken and dumped.

 

When he dumped me he told me he still likes me as a person, that im lovely and pretty and im bound to find someone else. I hope what he was saying was genuine and not just a 'sugarcoated insult'.

[la74219]

And actually in the situation I'm in now..I'd much rather hear your explanation than all the vagueness I'm getting haha!

[winterkeep]

Hey, thanks for your post. My ex boyfriend left me in January and i've struggled daily with the rejection and feelings of 'not being good enough'. It has affected me in a really bad way. I do hope that this is the case for him too... not that he doesn't think im good enough or pretty enough, but that our personalities don't completely match... the suffocated feeling you mentioned I felt myself, even though im the one completely heartbroken and dumped.

 

When he dumped me he told me he still likes me as a person, that im lovely and pretty and im bound to find someone else. I hope what he was saying was genuine and not just a 'sugarcoated insult'.

 

Its so normal to think that there's something wrong with you..I can say with absolute certainty in my case that there is NOTHING wrong with the man in my situation and I will always remember and appreciate what a beautiful person he is. I'll remember him and our relationship as a good thing that happened in my life, I bet thats exactly how your ex feels as well about you.

[foofightingguy]

winterkeep, may I ask what age range you are?

 

My ex gf told me things very similar to what you described. However, she is 25 and just started trying to figure out her career. A lot of people told me that she thinks "Grass is Greener" because she hasn't experience life yet.

 

Do you think it's very likely that younger girls feel this way only to regret later?

[winterkeep]

Hi Foofightingguy, I'm in my 30s and my career is established - but still requires a lot of time and attention.

 

I was married when I was 25, my ex husband left me because in his words he needed to explore life (we got together during school), I kept hoping that he would realise that the grass wasn't greener and would come back..he did actually and we tried again and it was a total disaster. It turns out that we just weren't suited after all and I wasted years hoping he would come back - I guess thats why I hate false hope so much.

[mightycpa]

How long has this been going on? I think that would factor into any hurt or betrayal he may feel.

 

Too bad you can't fix him up with a horny hottie.... or can you? Far too few dumpers do this, in my opinion.

 

And actually, it's not him. It's definitely you, not that you're doing anything wrong, but make no mistake, it is YOU.

Edited March 13, 2017 by mightycpa

[foofightingguy]

Hi Foofightingguy, I'm in my 30s and my career is established - but still requires a lot of time and attention.

 

I was married when I was 25, my ex husband left me because in his words he needed to explore life (we got together during school), I kept hoping that he would realise that the grass wasn't greener and would come back..he did actually and we tried again and it was a total disaster. It turns out that we just weren't suited after all and I wasted years hoping he would come back - I guess thats why I hate false hope so much.

 

How much time passed between ending with him (your ex husband) and him coming back? You said years?

And how long were you back together before it ended for good?

[winterkeep]

How much time passed between ending with him (your ex husband) and him coming back? You said years?

And how long were you back together before it ended for good?

 

We'd been apart for almost three years, he came back swearing that he loved me and had changed - it was about nine months until I found out that he had started sleeping with someone else.

 

We're actually pretty good friends these days, we grew up together so I guess he's almost like family and I don't have any resentment - it took time before I was ready to be friends with him again though. There are no romantic feelings left on either of our parts now and looking back I can see that us not being together has been a positive thing.

 

What are you doing to build your own life without your ex? I went back to uni and completed a post grad, worked overseas, travelled and built a pretty amazing career - looking back I wouldn't have done this if I had of stayed with my ex. It didn't feel like it at the time, but us breaking up was a good thing for me. My advice to you is to come up with some goals and go for them, you may even be too busy to notice her if she tries to come back

[marky00]

This info still isn't any consolation to a dumpee.

 

 

All dumpees know (at least after the dust has settled) that their dumper doesn't think they are a horrible person.

 

 

They will still however go through all the mental gymnastics as to how they could have secured the one they loved. Regardless of how the dumper spins the ending.

 

 

The truth is, right now, your soon to be Ex has a value level below your casual friends. You may be nostalgic, you might be thankful you met him but as it stands right now, you probably value a casual friendship over his company. That's the total reality here. Which is why like most dumpees, he should run a mile and stay the hell away.

 

 

If you want to be brutally honest, then its not what you wrote in this post, because what you wrote here is just a self-justification thing.

 

 

To be brutally honest, why not say this:

 

 

Dear soon to be Ex, I am breaking up with you for the following reasons: insert > the full laundry list of why he suffocates you and makes you unhappy and makes you not want to be with him < Then, tell him that as it stands he sits well below the friend level on your scale of value.

 

 

Now, that is being brutally honest.

 

 

He already knows he is a great guy. What you wrote above offers little to him because its all about you and your self-justification for a decision.

 

 

This is why people never speak after a BU because both parties know the real deal but the dumper never has the kahoonas to be brutally honest as you put it.

 

 

Do you still feel like being brutally honest?

[foofightingguy]

We'd been apart for almost three years, he came back swearing that he loved me and had changed - it was about nine months until I found out that he had started sleeping with someone else.

 

We're actually pretty good friends these days, we grew up together so I guess he's almost like family and I don't have any resentment - it took time before I was ready to be friends with him again though. There are no romantic feelings left on either of our parts now and looking back I can see that us not being together has been a positive thing.

 

What are you doing to build your own life without your ex? I went back to uni and completed a post grad, worked overseas, travelled and built a pretty amazing career - looking back I wouldn't have done this if I had of stayed with my ex. It didn't feel like it at the time, but us breaking up was a good thing for me. My advice to you is to come up with some goals and go for them, you may even be too busy to notice her if she tries to come back

 

Thank you for the advice winterkeep.

 

Sometimes breaking up is a blessing in disguise, but I do hear people breaking up to realized what they had were amazing and end up back together stronger than ever (rare I guess).

 

I have been active going out meeting friends, I lost a ton of weight (I exercise the same, but using control eating).

Work allows me to travel and I have been to many countries including my own travels.

I am thinking of doing something on the side to keep me busy, maybe help my friend's startup or something.

 

If you are willing, I would love to get your opinion on my story. I only have 2 threads so should be easy to find.

[winterkeep]

I disagree with you Marky00, a number of people who have been broken up with here question their self worth, its a common break up reaction. Do I value some of my friends over him? Sure, some of the close ones (not casual as you assume) if that weren't the case I wouldn't be leaving him.

 

Theres no real list of his faults, I just don't love him the way I should but I'm not going to hurt him by trying to place the blame on him as suggested in your post. You've clearly had very different experiences to mine.

[winterkeep]

Thank you for the advice winterkeep.

 

Sometimes breaking up is a blessing in disguise, but I do hear people breaking up to realized what they had were amazing and end up back together stronger than ever (rare I guess).

 

I have been active going out meeting friends, I lost a ton of weight (I exercise the same, but using control eating).

Work allows me to travel and I have been to many countries including my own travels.

I am thinking of doing something on the side to keep me busy, maybe help my friend's startup or something.

 

If you are willing, I would love to get your opinion on my story. I only have 2 threads so should be easy to find.

 

Of course I'll check your posts out tonight

 

People DO get back together, I've seen it happen with friends and their relationships have worked. I think the biggest factor though is that they each give one another space and take the time to mourn the loss of their initial relationship so that when they come back to one another they're equals rather than as one person taking the other back.

 

You sound like you're really doing some great work at living your life in a way that makes you happy.

[marky00]

I disagree with you Marky00, a number of people who have been broken up with here question their self worth, its a common break up reaction. Do I value some of my friends over him? Sure, some of the close ones (not casual as you assume) if that weren't the case I wouldn't be leaving him.

.

 

Of course they do and I didn't say they don't, in fact I mentioned dumpees and mental gymnastics.

 

 

Nothing in your original post addresses that issue but. your simply just re-iterating the fact you don't dislike the dumpee (as a person).

 

 

He already knows he his a good guy and will very soon figure out you don't hate him so none of this is of any tangible benefit to him.

Edited March 13, 2017 by marky00

[marky00]

 

Theres no real list of his faults, I just don't love him the way I should but I'm not going to hurt him by trying to place the blame on him as suggested in your post. You've clearly had very different experiences to mine.

 

But your the one here stating you want to be brutally honest. My comment was to help you open up your eyes.

 

 

And where is this honesty, I am not seeing anything here that tangibly helps him.

 

 

Here's the way it works.

 

 

You break his heart and that is not negotiable. He has to accept that regardless.

 

 

So maybe you should accept the guilt of doing that and stop trying to negotiate that.

[winterkeep]

Marky00 I think you misunderstood my post - I didn't write this for him and disclosing the information I posted to him in the manner in which I wrote it would be unnecessarily cruel. I did actually state at the start of my post my reasons for writing it..

 

What I won't do is give him the impression that he just needs to change something or that circumstance needs to be different for things to work. In other words I'm not giving him false hope or maybes to make me feel better about leaving or to 'let him down gently' as I believe this sort of false assurance keeps people stuck pining after a situation for longer than they need to.

[marky00]

OK so you admit this post is about YOU.

 

 

I just don't see how all this actually helps you deliver a better breakup so-to-speak.

 

 

There's a lot of internal dialogue but you haven't actually stipulated how you intend to handle the breakup in a way that by your own words, is best for both parties.

 

 

You say you don't want to give him false hope or use soft gloves yet you aren't prepared to give him the absolute true reasons for the breakup (no that isn't easy and most don't). This just seems counter-intuitive.

 

 

I understand you are trying to inform dumpees on LS of the dumper's perspective but the dumpees your trying to help are a just a few days or weeks out of a BU. After a few months, dumpees work all this stuff out on their own because they have to (since dumpers almost always never give the actual reasons).

 

 

What you just wrote, in a few months your ex will know that's exactly how you felt. It's an intuition thing that just gives you the answers over time after the BU.

Edited March 13, 2017 by marky00

[winterkeep]

OK so you admit this post is about YOU.

 

Well, yes. I stated that in the first paragraph of my initial post, and you've no idea what I'm going to say to him so your final point (before your edit) is pure assumption confused as fact. I'm only giving my perspective, but giving and seeking the perspective of others is the point of a discussion board so I'm not sure what your point is.

Edited March 13, 2017 by winterkeep