Money troubles...can we work through them or is it too late?

[rcphill]

My fiance and I have been together for 2.5 years. I'm 5 years older than her. When we first met, I was finishing my doctorate degree and she was employed. Even though I didn't have an income, I tried to contribute to date nights and fun activities together as best I could. I didn't expect her to fully support me just because she had more money than I did. I used my student loan money to contribute. Once I graduated, we took the step of moving out of state together for a job opportunity I was given. Now, the tables have turned. She is back in school full time and does not have a job. She receives a small supplemental income, enough to cover a portion of the bills. We split everything 50/50 except rent. I pay nearly 700$ more in rent than she does, but it's pretty proportional to our income ratio so I'm fine with it. However, ever since the tables turned, I have been the one to pay for 90% of date nights or activities as well as vacations. I recently spent over 600$ on trip to the mountains (she paid for gas) and over 1000$ on a cruise (she gave me a little bit of money to cover her drinks). I do this because I want us to be able to have fun together and make memories, and I know if I don't pay for the vacations we will never go on them. But it's getting to the point where I don't even want to plan anything because I know I will be footing the bill, and I have plans to save for a business in the future and can't be blowing all of my money. If I had help from her to cover the expenses, then I would be more open to continuing our bi-yearly vacations.

 

Now, she has begun her own online business and has been putting a substantial amount of money into it, when this whole time I thought she had no extra money. Anytime I bring up her getting a part time job, I hear "Wow, I'm trying to start a business. Why is that not good enough?" or something along those lines. I'm finding myself becoming more and more resentful about being the breadwinner. Don't get me wrong, she does do a fair share of the chores around the house and cooks pretty much all the meals. But is this enough? I'm always the one planning extracurricular activities and paying for them too. Just the other day we stopped to get some drinks at the gas station and she put her hand out to me, expecting me to give her money to pay for it! This really ticked me off. I honestly feel like she thinks she's entitled to my money just because we're engaged. And I know it will only get worse once we get married, as she expects us to have only a joint account which everything will come out of. I'm sorry, but married or not I don't feel comfortable with that at all. She even admitted it's mostly for her to feel less bad when we need something (as it will come out of "our" money instead of mine). I know, "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine" is the whole mantra of marriage, but I am not sure I'm comfortable with that when 90% of "ours" is actually mine, and I'm the one doing most of the work. I work extremely hard and have a pretty stressful job, and just wish that she were as motivated as I am.

 

I do not expect her to make an equal salary as mine. All I really expect is that she get a part time job, even if she's only making a few hundred extra dollars. She takes a heavy class load but most of it is online and she is in class one day a week, so she could totally have a part time job...she just doesn't want to. She worked somewhere for a week and quit because she didn't like it. And honestly I'm scared this is how she will be long-term.

 

I know that a relationship is more than just money. But it's honestly all I can think about. I try to remember that she moved for ME and does try to contribute around the house...so maybe I "owe" it to her to take more financial responsibility? I want to discuss all of this with her but I am scared because she always gets mad and defensive when we talk about money. But I also know that I cannot proceed with planning a wedding with things how they are now. I don't want to be married to ANYONE who takes advantage of my paycheck. In a few months when she graduates, her supplemental income will be gone and I don't think she will be making enough from her online business to actually contribute to bills. The other thing I'm concerned about is that she mostly wants to get married so that we can buy a house (she gets the VA home loan and can only get it with sufficient income - ie mine). But once we buy a house, who is going to cover all of the bills for that (appliances, lawn care, maintenance, etc)?? It will be me unless she starts bringing in a decent amount of money. I'm at the point where I don't want to get married unless she has a full-time job/career - but if I say that to her....it will be a nightmare of a fight and our relationship would likely be over. Ugh this is just such a mess and I really don't know how to bring it up to her...any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[MidwestUSA]

She "mostly wants to get married" so that you can buy a house?

 

That's not a reason to get married. Why do you want to get married? Finances are one of the major cause of conflict in relationships. Nitpicking everything down to the last dollar is your style, not caring where the money comes from, as long as it's there, is hers.

 

I don't see this working unless you seek counseling and come to see eye to eye. Good luck.

[Raena]

It seems to me that her being in school and bringing in less income is a short term issue. Once she finishes won't she then have a full time job as well? At that point the amount of money she puts in will increase. She supported you while you were in school, what's the problem with you supporting her while she is in school?

 

Financial issues like this can bring down even the best of marriages. It's best you sort this out with her before getting married. Personally, I'd wait until you are both more financially secure before purchasing a home or getting married. At that point you would have a better idea of what your combined income is and what would make most sense to purchase home wise. It would also be a good time to determine what you both contribute to a mutual account that pays the household bills. I'm a big fan of one mutual account and 2 separate individual accounts. This gives each of you the freedom to spend your money your way but both still be responsible for paying a portion of the household bills.

 

Whichever way you do it, it is something that must be discussed and agreed upon by both of you. If you don't, it won't work and one or both of you will build up anger and resentment much like you already have.

[rcphill]

She "mostly wants to get married" so that you can buy a house?

 

That's not a reason to get married. Why do you want to get married? Finances are one of the major cause of conflict in relationships. Nitpicking everything down to the last dollar is your style, not caring where the money comes from, as long as it's there, is hers.

 

I don't see this working unless you seek counseling and come to see eye to eye. Good luck.

 

I agree on the counseling. I'm getting solo counseling right now, but plan to suggest couples therapy in the near future. When we first got engaged, she wanted to get married for the right reasons. I'm the one that has pushed back the wedding date because I've always been sort of afraid of marriage and don't take it lightly - I want to know 100% that it's the right person to make that commitment with. But now it has sort of turned into it "makes sense" for us to get married - we already have this life together, how much could really change? But I know that a LOT changes with marriage, and problems usually get worse.

 

I don't feel that I "nitpick" every dollar, it's just frustrating being in situations where she suggests we go out dinner and doesn't chip in a dime unless I make her feel guilty which I hate doing, but I also hate feeling like I'm being taken advantage of.

[MuddyFootprints]

Does her online business involve selling leggings or saran wrap?

[rcphill]

It seems to me that her being in school and bringing in less income is a short term issue. Once she finishes won't she then have a full time job as well? At that point the amount of money she puts in will increase. She supported you while you were in school, what's the problem with you supporting her while she is in school?

 

Financial issues like this can bring down even the best of marriages. It's best you sort this out with her before getting married. Personally, I'd wait until you are both more financially secure before purchasing a home or getting married. At that point you would have a better idea of what your combined income is and what would make most sense to purchase home wise. It would also be a good time to determine what you both contribute to a mutual account that pays the household bills. I'm a big fan of one mutual account and 2 separate individual accounts. This gives each of you the freedom to spend your money your way but both still be responsible for paying a portion of the household bills.

 

Whichever way you do it, it is something that must be discussed and agreed upon by both of you. If you don't, it won't work and one or both of you will build up anger and resentment much like you already have.

 

Well I guess that's my concern - will she have a full time job? She originally wanted to get a doctorate degree, but now wonders if she should just run her online business. I know that I should support her dreams, but I don't know how I feel about 100% supporting us while she has no income, waiting for her business to build (plus I can't really afford to do that anyway, I don't make THAT much money). So I guess fear of the unknown is worrying me, and I'd rather wait to get married until she is financially secure.

 

As far as her supporting me in school..we only knew each other my last 6 months of school. I was paying all of my own bills (everything was separate at that time since it was so early on in the relationship). The only thing she did was pay for more dates than I did (but a lot of the time we split it 50/50 even though I had zero income). I guess I expect the same from her.

 

My ideal step by step goal would be 1) she finishes school, settles in her career (whatever that may be) 2) get married 3) purchase a house. She however is in a rush to buy a house, and she would rather get married to buy the house

 

I am also a big fan of separate accounts and a joint account, which is what we maintain now. But she has said before she expects all of our money to go into one account when we get married. I'm not okay with that, and I think having a joint account is a compromise. I'm not sure she sees it that way.

[rcphill]

Does her online business involve selling leggings or saran wrap?

 

Hahaha no, thank goodness.

[MuddyFootprints]

Have you discussed having children and how you want them to be raised?

[spiderowl]

You have always been afraid of marriage and now you are having doubts. It's not surprising you would have doubts if you have been afraid of it, but it sounds like the 'what's mine is yours' philosophy around marriage would not work for you. I can understand your worries about her not paying her way and being unmotivated for ever. I think they are reasonable. In the past, a woman would not have been expected to contribute financially, except maybe in the working classes where women would have to try to do extra to take in money and times were very hard. Now though, more women can earn good wages and so more is expected of them by men. Whether this is good or bad is not for me to judge, but with childbearing there is always going to be some inequity in wage-earning.

 

I don't get the sense that there is much goodwill between the two of you. You are resenting her and do not feel that what she is contributing is enough. Rather than waiting to find out you are both incompatible in terms of attitudes to income, it is best to say something. It may engender a split because she will no doubt be upset that you are questioning her on this front. It should be give and take but if you feel it is mostly take then you are not going to be happy. This kind of doubt gives you an out from the marriage. Maybe you two would be better as lovers rather than long-term.

[rcphill]

Have you discussed having children and how you want them to be raised?

 

 

 

We have had the children talk, neither of us wants kids. So we are good in that aspect.

[d0nnivain]

You're engaged. Both of you need to lay all your financial cards on the table. Then you need to make a budget together.

[Simple Logic]

Most couples break up over money or sex. If you aren't on the same page, don't get married.

[PegNosePete]

she has said before she expects all of our money to go into one account when we get married. I'm not okay with that

Then frankly, marriage is not for you.

 

Marriage is more than a romantic gesture or "the next step" in a relationship. It is a legally binding contract that has many implications (financial and other). I know it's not very romantic to think of it as a legal contract, but essentially that's what it is. From a legal perspective, most people blunder blindly into marriage, and don't even know or think about the financial aspects of the contract they are signing.

 

It even states as much in the (classic) wedding vows. "With this Ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow". If you're not ready to transfer everything you own into joint property, including your income, then marriage is not for you.