M789 Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 Two days ago my gf of two years recently said that she wanted a break to find herself and at this point she did not want to depend on anyone nor does she want anybody depending on her. A little background: We've been together initially for about 8 months before she left her current job in my city because she was unhappy with it. She moved back to her hometown which is a 2 hour flight from my city and moved back in with her parents while she tries to figure stuff out because at that point I didn't have a stable job myself or my own place yet. We were a bit hesitant at first about doing the long distance thing because she recently just got out of one and I've had unpleasant experiences as well in the past. Needless to say we both had complete confidence that we are able to cope because our end goal was eventually marriage. During the following year things were great. We constantly contacted and video chat each other everyday. We met each other once every 2-3 months. She did most of the visiting because theres just more activities we can do in my city and I agreed (which in hindsight I kind of regret at least not flying to her city once in awhile) As the year progressed I eventually got a job with a great salary. During this period she also joined a 10 month volunteer program which ended in Sept. She was of course relatively happy and asked me the question about marriage again. I said yes of course I was still going to marry her but give me some time to save up so we can at least be financially responsible about it. She agreed and decided to extend her program as well for another 10 months. The same routine pretty much kept going on throughout the rest of the year and around Thanksgiving her parents were visiting my city and I met with them. During New Years a tragedy happend and her parents had to fly back to her home country to deal with it. So of course I flew to her for the first time to keep her company. After new years and around (2017) our 2 year mark she asked me the marriage question again. I told her that I would ask my parents and her parents for approval this year and the target was a proposal near fall this year when she finishes her program & marriage by the end of this year. She agreed again and visited me one more time at the end of Feb. and things as usual were great. A week after visiting me thats when she became distant. She started staying late more at work and we talked less because of it. By the following week she barely contacted me. At first I thought she needed space so I gave it to her but also at the same time I was getting worried. On the first day of us having no contact I finally contacted her and thats when she said she needed to talk and wanted a break. She said that the distance was a factor and also the fact that she's having a quarter life crisis because she doesn't know what to do with her life and she does not have a stable career yet. I made the amateur mistake of of being overcome with emotion and self pity in front of her and said some things I didn't mean in terms of "I don't believe in breaks and that it should be a clean one" I reassured her that I did want to get married and propose to her after the summer but she just simply thinks that it will be more waiting at this point. She said I was the first person who showed her what true love is and honestly we were great. We never had drama or fought over trivial things and had complete trust in one another. She also mentioned that she has never been single since highschool (were in our mid 20s now) so she just needs some time to be alone and find herself. I said I can respect that but also expressed my grief over it. She told me don't lose hope and to pursue and strengthen my spirituality (we both view faith as ver important) but also said that if we do in fact find other people during this time, that we be honest with one another. She said that maybe we can be together again when the time is right and we have our affairs in order. Apologies for the long read!but I need advice on possible how to save this what actions i can take or cope with it because I am madly in love with her and she matches all my criteria for a partner and obviously I don't see myself with anyone else. Please let me know your thoughts! i would really appreciate it.
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 It may be getting real for her & she may be scared. This business about finding herself & maybe you can get together later is a lie. You either work together to fix this now or it's over. Normally I'm not one for letters but here some reassurance may help. Talking face to face would also be good. Can you fly to see her? However, if those two things don't bring her back, then you have to let her go. Chasing her will make things worse not better. You still won't get her & you will lose your dignity.
Author M789 Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 Thank you so much for the reply. I know its been two days and of course I am just destroyed over it usd thinking of plans to salvage it for the better. I was thinking about flying over there and meeting her face to face to talk it out and to reassure her that everything can be ok between us because nothing our plan was still in motion and there is an end in sight to this long distance thing. But I am not sure if I should give it more time for her to actually miss me because the fact that this happened out of the blue meant that its been on her mind for awhile way before the last time we met 2 weeks ago. However she did also explain that she didnt bring it up that time because she was still trying to fix things and everything still seemed ok up until that week of distance she gave me. My second option would be initiating no contact and wait for her to contact me first. I gave myself a time of at least 3 weeks. It could be a test for myself to see if she really does truly care then she will eventually contact me in that period of time. If not then it truly is over. But the waiting part is what terrifies me. I don't know what do you guys think?
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 The more time you give her to come to you the less likely that will ever happen. All silence & distance will do is convince her she was right to end things. NC isn't a manipulation to make her miss you. It's a healing tool you use to get over her. If you want to fix this, take some action. If you are unwilling to put in all on the line, then it's over. It may be over even if you show up to talk to her, but at least you will know you tried.
Author M789 Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 Thank you again for the speedy reply. Yes that was my fear that No Contact would just reinforce the notion that she did the right thing. But how would I even begin to approach this? Should I write an email to her and ask if it is ok to fly over there and meet her or should I just simply tell her I am flying out there to meet her to talk? I feel like flying out is the more viable option because at least i get closure if she says its really over and i can move on faster instead of sitting and wondering for god knows how long.
CDuke93 Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 I agree with d0n. Love has no boundaries and in this case, what do you have to lose? (Besides a bit of time and money). You will definitely get closure on the situation and experience for your future. Well, if you write an email you can take the time to write it properly and clearly pose your thoughts. Calls might make it harder to say what you really want and can be more nerve-racking. Text is too impersonal for me at least. Best of luck!
Author M789 Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 How long do you think I should wait though before initiating this contact again via email?
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 Stop with the e-mail & texting. Pick up the phone call her & announce when you are coming. Explain that you need to talk face to face before she throws away 2 years. She owes you that much.
Author M789 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 (edited) So far on Day 6 of still not contacting her, I felt the right thing to do was to give her the space she needs. I wrote down all our problems in the relationship, as well as her personality and matched that up to our problems and see her frame of mind. I gave myself 10 days before I'll write the letter to her. I also felt I need this time to learn to improve myself again before reaching out. In the letter I just want to say that I hope she's doing well and that also understand why everything turned out the way it did. I also remembered our favorite artist was performing in her town at the end of the month. I was thinking in this letter I ask if I can fly out there to watch the concert with her (I know its going to be blatantly obvious I want to fix things because I do...) I realize now that throughout the relationship she's always the one thats flying out to me and I really took no initiative in the past to do the same except for New Years this year. I was hoping that she can realize that I really do believe that we can work if I just put a little more effort into it because there is light at the end of the tunnel. Its not going to be like this forever. But does she really need me to be a her knight and shining armor now? I remember her saying that even though distance was a problem, She always felt that everything was OK the moment we are together. She felt that way the last time we met which was why she didn't bother bringing up her concerns. However, if she says no I can be assured that this one is over for good and I will move on and stop the chase. What do you guys think of this plan of approach? Edited March 15, 2017 by M789
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 I think it is not a great plan. The longer you wait, the worse this gets. After 10 days she will have concluded that she was right to end things. You should have called her 3 days ago. Send anything in writing is also a recipe for disaster. You need face to face contact. 93% of all communication is non verbal. That is a scientific fact. So writing her means you have a 7% chance of making this work because you are giving away your best tools. If you show up you increase your odds. Don't ask for permission to come there. Tell her you are coming. Ask if she wants you to get tickets to the performance. That is the only part of you plan that I agree with. You are going to blow this if you don't get on plane.
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