ascofield Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 Hi everyone, Here is my long story and I would appreciate very much your opinion and your advice I live in France and 6 years ago I met a woman online. She's 8 years older than me (I was 25 and she was 33) and she has 2 children. Since we lived very far from one another we only had a long-distance relationship without strings, we only saw each other in Skype for 2 years. Then we decided that we should take a decision and we decided that we will live together. I had to give up my job, my apartment and I had to live far away from my family: 280 miles away to be precise. The thing is I used to live in a big city and she lived in a very small, isolated village. She was willing to move out closer to a big city (not too far from her small village since the father of the children had to keep them every 2 week-end) but the father of her children saw a lawyer in order to get the custody of the children since she was willing to move out. Her lawyer confirmed to her that if she moved out, she will lose custody of the children. 2 days before the decision of the judge, I told to give up her decision to move out and keep the custody of her children. So I had to live with her in this tiny remote village so she would keep custody of her children because I couldn't bear seeing her miserable and missing her children. Since I was a student and since I'm a prudent person, I also made a pact with her: my studies will always come first and I couldn't promise her to be financially able to pay for the return of my stuff back to my town in case we broke up. I had to make a tremendous sacrifice: giving up my part-time job, my apartment and I w'd only be able to see my family once or twice a year. So if we broke up, I w'd find myself alone, very far away from my family and possibly not able to pay for the moving. So the only responsibility she had was to pay for the moving out in case of a breakup. I told her that I would work part-time if I could but that my studies would come first. I trusted her since she was very nice and trustworthy at the beginning. She even offered me great gifts before I moved in with her (new PC, new iPhone...). With my studies I had to be cautious with my expenses and it seems to me now that she "bought" me so to speak. I had a warning though because one time, before we lived together, I got a message in my phone and it was a recording of her trashing me behind my back with her coworkers. Since she was sitted on her phone it accidentally called me and I heard her trashing me, saying I was very jealous in a harsh, aggressive tone. I called her back and told her that I heard what she was saying and she apologized. In spite of that, I trusted her. So we lived 3 years together and I kept doing my studies. I knew it was difficult for her because she was the only one to pay for the charges. I was registered in "Pole Emploi", the french governmental institution that notifies you when they find a vacant job that fits your search. So I was willing to get a part-time job. And I minimized any expenses for me, I didn't ask for anything expensive nor took her as my mommy, I didn't have the chance to get a job but I focused on my studies. I finished my studies last year and the last thing for me was now to pass a recruitment by competitive examination in order to get a job as a cultural heritage officer. I also focused a lot on communication in our relationship. I repeated her a billion times that communication was key in a relationship and that if there were things that bothered her or anything else, the more mature thing to do was to talk to each other and not keep things to ourselves. But she was more the type of saying that everything was fine while she complained about me behind my back to her sisters and friends. In September, she began to be a bit cold, distant and even a bit condescending at times Not too much but it was definitely unusual. I spoke to her about it and she either denied it or she said that it was because of her work. As the days passed, it went on, she kept being distant and cold. I knew that despite what she was saying, the breakup was not far. So for the first time in 3 years, I decided to be with my family for the christmas holidays. I absolutely love christmas and I felt like being with her during the christmas holidays would ruin it. We talked a bit each day on the phone while Iwas with my family and she was still a bit distant. Just after Christmas day, she told me that she wanted to breakup and she was crying. I told her that I accepted the breakup but if anything was my fault, I was willing to fix it. I didn't beg but since she was the only one to work while I was focused on my studies, I was willing to get a job I didn't like in order to help her out on the financial charges. I didn't want her to think that I was lazy or that I didn't care about the patience she had for my studies. She said that she needed a few days to think about it. A few days later she told me that she still wanted to breakup and I accepted it. Just one hour after we broke up, she changed the relationship status on Facebook. I was a little bit surprised that she did it so soon but I understood, after all we were now broken up. We still had a lot of things to do because all my stuff was at her house and I was at my mom's house, 280 miles away. So since I'm a very organized person, I made lists of how we would handle the moving out of my stuff etc... I thought that we w'd need to make an update on the phone every 2 week so I would keep her posted about notifying all the agencies about my change of address, and she would keep me posted about how she's packing my stuff and how she's handling the financial aspect of the moving out So 2 weeks after the breakup, during the first update on the phone, she was extremely cold, very distant and still a bit condescending. I have my dignity so it took efforts to stay calm and cordial. She even put a picture of her on Facebook sticking her tongue out as if she was belittling me. I told her that it's only in March that I could receive the RSA, the french social revenue for people who seek jobs only, so she w'd have to pay for the 2 bills (phone bill and car insurance) that I had for January and February. To me, it was part of the pact we had before I moved in with her regarding her taking charge of my moving out. But then she started to put sad quotes on her facebook wall. I didn't put anything because I know that it's better to not post anything on Facebook in order to focus on healing rather than letting everyone know about my private life. 2 weeks after, during the 2nd update I was reassured because she was normal, not too cold or distant. She told me that she had difficulties and that she w'd need a small loan from the bank in order to pay for her rent and pay for my moving out. I couldn't do anything because I w'd only receive my social revenue in March so I told her that we could postpone the moving out for April instead of March so it w'd give her more time to organize her finances. She refused. During the 3rd update, 2 weeks later, she called me with a hidden number I was stunned. She had to do it in order to hurt me because I got the impression that she was pissed that I wasn't posting anything on Facebook (I almost never use facebook anyway) and I wasn't crying on it nor putting sad quotes. So honestly I was hurt that she hid her number because I didn't understand why she w'd do it. I never pursued her, I never harassed her or anything like that so hiding her number really seemed like a childish attempt at hurting my feelings, which worked I have to admit. Then I picked up the phone and she was even more aggressive than before, saying in a harsh tone that I had to pay back the bills of february because she had financial difficulties and she had to get a small loan from the bank. I agreed with my paying back of the february bills but I couldn't take more of her aggressiveness so I got a bit angry and told her that I would pay her back the bills. 2 days later she sent me a text to tell me that her bank needed the paper of the bill for the moving out in order to accept the loan. Since her text was cordial, I sent her an email telling her that I will send her the bill and i explained why I was surprised about her aggressive tone on the phone. I reminded her nicely that I made a lot of sacrifices in order to live together, that I had to give up my part-time job, my apartment and being able to see my family often so she could keep her job, her house and more importantly the custody of her children. I even added that my mother will help to pay for the moving out by paying almost half of it. She replied back that she didn't put a knife under my throat in order to get me to live with her, that she made sacrifices too, that I was "often trying to make her feel guilty about my sacrifices" (which is absolutely false) and that she's removing me from her facebook friends. Not a word of thanks for the participation of my mother in the payment. I organized everything for the moving out and the only thing left to do is her sending of the missing money (100€) to complete it. I sent her a mail a few days ago to let her know that I finished organizing everything (reservation of a truck, notifying all the changes of adress...) and she still didn't even replied back. I think she will send the 100€ but the fact of not even a text to keep me posted about what she's doing regarding the organization of the moving out is way colder than it needs to be. The moving out is scheduled in 2 weeks but if she won't send the 100€, I won't be able to pay for the moving out now and we w'd have to wait for April. Even that wouldn't bother me that much. But I think she handeled the breakup in an agressive way and I feel betrayed. I think it's sad that it came to that. I w'd have liked the breakup to be cordial but she was aggressive in my opinion, especially the part about hiding her number when she called me and speaking with a harsh tone while I was doing everything to keep the breakup amicable and clean. Anyway so thanks for reading this long mail and I'd appreciate your opinion.
LitTunnel Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 Sorry you're going through all this. I can only imagine the level if frustration, hurt and betrayal on your part. I too experienced betrayal and it's such a terrible, terrible feeling. With that being said your ex seems to me as extremely immature, illogical and holds a lot of deeply seeded anger. She totally reminds me of my ex. My best advice and I totally, totally know it's much easier said than done is to get everything finished with this woman as quickly as possible and go completely NC. She is totally toxic. She is the type that simply can't communicate and work to make things better. Her type like to sabotage relationships as soon as they feel something off. They're irresponsible and downright rude. They share no empathy and feel themselves to always be the "victim." With people like her you can never win. My ex was the very, very same way. I know it will be hard but do your very best to move on from this relationship as soon as you can. You deserve much better.
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