I don't like online dating. And yet -

[ercolgemi]

Hey guys. I have a confession to make. I really dislike online dating - and yet I keep using it.

 

I hate the fact that I don't know whether I'll like the person when I meet them. I hate being nervous before dates, which doesn't otherwise happen as much. I hate always being at the bottom of people's priorities, since I'm just pixels on a screen, while their real-life contacts are perceived as human beings.

 

But, most of all, I hate investing so much time in chatting only to have people 1) disappear; 2) turn out not to be interested in me once we meet; 3) turn out to be entirely unattractive to me once I meet them. I hate feeling the obligation to pursue multiple avenues at the same time because I know the person I feel I might have this amazing connection with can vanish just like that - *snaps fingers*.

 

That being said, most of the dates I've gone on and people I've met for the past few years have been through online dating. It's just so convenient. It just gives you such immediate gratification when you get a message from someone you know is on there to meet people. It's just so easy to use.

 

My frustration with OLD is also owed in part to the fact that I am a very extroverted guy, who's usually quite successful in real life due to sheer ballsiness. This "advantage" entirely vanishes online, where everyone is courageous enough to initiate a conversation, while females are bombarded with a stream of new matches at every corner. I hate talking about dating like a game, but I don't know how else to express this.

 

Does anyone feel the same way? Is there any service that allows for real-life meetups & events instead of relying on weeklong chats beforehand? Is romance dead?

 

/rant over

/last question was sarcasm

Edited March 12, 2017 by ercolgemi

[d0nnivain]

I hated OLD. I only did it for 3 months more than 10 years ago but it was quite demoralizing.

 

 

There are lots of ways to meet people IRL but they do take more effort. I made a promise to myself that I would go to a singles event at least once per week. If you look around you will find things. They have all sorts of niche groups. I did one called Leashes & Lovers because I was able to bring my dog. My friend met her husband at a single ski group event. She'd been a member for years & enjoyed the ski trips too. I had planned on joining one where you go play golf & they pair you up with somebody. I joined a group that played board games on Monday nights.

 

 

So my advice is take the time that you'd be on your computer & go out. Also join other groups to meet people: civic organizations, volunteer groups, co-ed sports teams, even work related activities like business card exchanges or chamber of commerce things. Just put yourself out there.

[normal person]

Hey guys. I have a confession to make. I really dislike online dating - and yet I keep using it.

 

If you're that successful in real life, do you really need to keep doing online dating if you dislike it that much? Why not just use it as a supplement?

 

I hate being nervous before dates, which doesn't otherwise happen as much.

 

But if you don't even know if you're going to like the person, why get nerves? Release any expectations and fear. If anything let them be nervous about meeting you. It's really just meeting a stranger. No reason to stress about it.

 

I hate always being at the bottom of people's priorities, since I'm just pixels on a screen, while their real-life contacts are perceived as human beings.

 

But you have real life contacts too, so it's a two way street. Also, if they're taking the time to meet you, obviously you've become something of a priority. The more difficult part will be maintaining your status as a priority thereafter.

 

But, most of all, I hate investing so much time in chatting only to have people 1) disappear; 2) turn out not to be interested in me once we meet; 3) turn out to be entirely unattractive to me once I meet them. I hate feeling the obligation to pursue multiple avenues at the same time because I know the person I feel I might have this amazing connection with can vanish just like that - *snaps fingers*.

 

That's a valid concern, but everyone has the same problem, and it's just the cost of doing business. That's the risk you agree to take when you sign up. If you meet someone you like, I'd suggest being a little vocal about it and not trying to keep going down those other avenues. Focus your energy where you think it'd benefit you most and strike while the iron is hot.

 

My frustration with OLD is also owed in part to the fact that I am a very extroverted guy, who's usually quite successful in real life due to sheer ballsiness. This "advantage" entirely vanishes online, where everyone is courageous enough to initiate a conversation, while females are bombarded with a stream of new matches at every corner.

 

It sounds like you need another niche because the playing field has been leveled. In addition to being ballsy, what are you? What do you women like and appreciate about your or your profile? Whatever it is, scale it up.

 

Does anyone feel the same way? Is there any service that allows for real-life meetups & events instead of relying on weeklong chats beforehand? Is romance dead?

 

Week long chats? No thanks. Sounds like you're investing way too much time in a person before meeting them, and maybe that's causing a lot of your frustration. Most of my conversations with girls are totally minimal, because we both know there's no point in talking that much before we meet. It's usually something like this:

 

Her: Hey, [joke about something in my profile]

Me: Yeah thanks, [acknowledgement and joke about something in hers]

Her: Haha, right? It's been interesting.

Me: So this messaging stuff always gets pretty tedious, why don't you give me your number, I'll text you a bit and we can go out soon, cool? If not, best of luck on here and with the [aforementioned thing in her profile]

Her: haha, yeah, 555-555-5555

 

Then you text her something funny and ask her if she's around later in the week, she'll give you a day, suggest a bar in her neighborhood or within walking distance of you both, she'll agree or disagree, figure out a time, and say "perfect, see you there." Done. Minimal time wasted. No need for more than that, nerves before meeting, too much expectation, etc. If it doesn't work out, rinse and repeat.

[ercolgemi]

I hated OLD. I only did it for 3 months more than 10 years ago but it was quite demoralizing.

@d0nnivain: I totally get how you felt! So you enjoyed singles events? That's interesting to hear I had never really, properly considered those. I might give them a chance in the future!

 

That being said, it seems like most singles events in my area are for people over 30. Also, I'm pretty sure most online dating, at least for people under the age of 30, is happening on mobile these days, rather than on the computer. But very interesting! Thanks for sharing your insight!

[ercolgemi]

Wow, this is a long one Okay, let's go at this one point at a time!

 

If you're that successful in real life, do you really need to keep doing online dating if you dislike it that much? Why not just use it as a supplement?

That's exactly what I'm doing. Also, it's because I travel a lot for work, so these people that I meet and I'm quite successful with end up living somewhere else, which makes it difficult to build a long-term relationship. After so many years of meaningless sex, I'm trying to build something with more meaning attached to it, you know?

 

But if you don't even know if you're going to like the person, why get nerves? Release any expectations and fear. If anything let them be nervous about meeting you. It's really just meeting a stranger. No reason to stress about it.

Tell that to my brain! No but seriously, I get a lot more nervous meeting someone from OLD than someone I already know, because if I already know them and I'm going on a date with them, that means I already know I like them.

 

But you have real life contacts too, so it's a two way street. Also, if they're taking the time to meet you, obviously you've become something of a priority. The more difficult part will be maintaining your status as a priority thereafter.

And yet, people I meet online keep disappearing. Others don't. Maybe this is a case of confirmation bias, but it does certainly feel like this.

 

That's a valid concern, but everyone has the same problem, and it's just the cost of doing business. That's the risk you agree to take when you sign up. If you meet someone you like, I'd suggest being a little vocal about it and not trying to keep going down those other avenues. Focus your energy where you think it'd benefit you most and strike while the iron is hot.

That's exactly what I do, and then I end up seeming overly eager and getting my heart broken (happened only last week - check out my previous thread for more on that).

 

It sounds like you need another niche because the playing field has been leveled. In addition to being ballsy, what are you? What do you women like and appreciate about your or your profile? Whatever it is, scale it up.

I am lots of things This is not me being worried about my worth.

 

Her: Hey, [joke about something in my profile]

Me: Yeah thanks, [acknowledgement and joke about something in hers]

Her: Haha, right? It's been interesting.

Me: So this messaging stuff always gets pretty tedious, why don't you give me your number, I'll text you a bit and we can go out soon, cool? If not, best of luck on here and with the [aforementioned thing in her profile]

Her: haha, yeah, 555-555-5555

That is beautiful, I've never had anything like that work beforehand in my life though. Last girl I dated through OLD agreed to a rather spontaneous date, then it turned out she was way too spontaneous and she cancelled / postponed all of our other dates before finally disappearing without a trace.

 

More importantly, the great majority of girls in my area would never give out their number to a stranger they've just met online. I've tried. Are you suggesting I simply ignore the ones that don't? (might be a strategy, I've just never been that radical)

 

This is not really so much about me, but rather a general discussion about frustration with online dating + other types of dating ideas. That being said, feel free to give targeted advice! I'll take it, sure!

Edited March 12, 2017 by ercolgemi

[KBob]

But, most of all, I hate investing so much time in chatting only to have people 1) disappear; 2) turn out not to be interested in me once we meet; 3) turn out to be entirely unattractive to me once I meet them. I hate feeling the obligation to pursue multiple avenues at the same time because I know the person I feel I might have this amazing connection with can vanish just like that - *snaps fingers*.

 

You will never remove number one and two, even outside of OLD. If you're extroverted and approachable, stick with that and approach women in real life situations, you don't need OLD. Having the balls to cold approach a woman in public and maintain a conversation sets you apart from the majority of men these days.

[ercolgemi]

You will never remove number one and two, even outside of OLD. If you're extroverted and approachable, stick with that and approach women in real life situations, you don't need OLD. Having the balls to cold approach a woman in public and maintain a conversation sets you apart from the majority of men these days.

That is so true! I think all of this might just be me simply realizing online dating is not for me. I'm sure it works for others - for me, there are just so many frustrating things about it though!

[Purepony]

I'm tired of the same people on old

I log in a few times and it's like a bar... the same faces!!!

[d0nnivain]

@d0nnivain: I totally get how you felt! So you enjoyed singles events? That's interesting to hear I had never really, properly considered those. I might give them a chance in the future!

 

 

I had fun at the singles events I attended because they were more then just meat markets. I have been to those & did not like them. I picked events that I was interested in that happened to be singles events. Even if they hadn't been designed to meet people, the events themselves still would have been fun. Do you see my point?

[palmsand]

Just keep messaging to a minimum and don't get too invested before meeting. Pass on those profiles that don't give you a good reason to think the person is attractive.

 

 

 

I think it's the same here, asking for a number before meeting doesn't fly. Ask when you meet them.