Undertaker Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 4 months. We tell eachother that we love eachother and she even brought me with on her family vacation a couple weeks ago. Everything is going pretty well considering we've only been dating for this long. Except for... Sometimes...maybe a lot of times...I feel like I bring down the mood because I'm always too focused on things like "where are relationship is going" and "what if ___"? At times, I feel like just because she isn't holding my hand (for instance) or putting her arms around me, that there's something wrong. SO, I'll ask her and she'll tell me there's nothing wrong and that I'm thinking too much. But that really doesn't put me at ease. There has been days where were weren't able to see eachother because she had to work or had something going on and I'd get worried that she doesn't miss me and doesn't want to see me, but she just doesn't want to tell me or hurt my feelings. I know that things like this only make it worse for the relationship. And I know that I shouldn't feel this way...I should just let it happen. But at the same time...I can't help feeling like this. I know that eventually this will wear down the relationship and I don't want that to happen. When we first started dating, I was never worried...I was fun to be around, but that was because I wasn't officially "the boyfriend" so I was in no place to worry about these things. Does anyone else have this problem? What should I do?
fundamental Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 hey, you are over analyzing the situation-- probably due to past issues. The only thing I can tell you is to try to relax or else you are going to mess this up for yourself. Remember, you cannot control her feelings for you, so don't try. You two need to go out and do some of the fun things you did when you first started dating.
Merin Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by fundamental hey, you are over analyzing the situation-- probably due to past issues. The only thing I can tell you is to try to relax or else you are going to mess this up for yourself. Remember, you cannot control her feelings for you, so don't try. You two need to go out and do some of the fun things you did when you first started dating. Wise words...
Author Undertaker Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 You guys are stating the obvious. Like I said...I know that it's wrong. I try not to do it, but it really doesn't work. Do I need meds or something?
daddyslilqt3 Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Don't worry!!! If you overanalyze everything you are gonna freak her out and I am telling you right now she will end your relationship. People want to be with someone who is somewhat confident. She is going to feel like you don't trust her or that your bringing the relationship down with the low self esteem feelings. Just relax and think whatever is supposed to happen is going to happen and you can't control it no matter how hard you try. So just have fun while you can
Merin Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by Undertaker You guys are stating the obvious. Like I said...I know that it's wrong. I try not to do it, but it really doesn't work. Do I need meds or something? No you don't need meds, you need to relax.. Being to clingy with anyone isn't a good thing, it does wear them down and seriously it can't be making you happy either. I understand you're concerned about your relationship, but honestly it doesn't seem that there is any reason to be.. your GF obviously likes you and wants to be with you, so keep it in mind that you're an amazing person and she's into you... Refocus when you start to panic about things and keep in mind she's with you out of her own CHOICE
Author Undertaker Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 Maybe I should just convince myself that worrying will destroy the relationship and then I'll just get obsessed with not worrying. But wait...does that still qualify as worrying? Okay, now I'm confused. Not to be a jerk...but I don't think some of you are listening. I KNOW that it's not good to be like this. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. It's like being scared at a scary movie...you know that it's just a movie but yet you still get scared.
Merin Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by Undertaker Maybe I should just convince myself that worrying will destroy the relationship and then I'll just get obsessed with not worrying. But wait...does that still qualify as worrying? Okay, now I'm confused. Not to be a jerk...but I don't think some of you are listening. I KNOW that it's not good to be like this. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. It's like being scared at a scary movie...you know that it's just a movie but yet you still get scared. Knowing you have this issue and recognizing that is a problem is a step at solving it. You don't need to convince yourself that being clingy will destroy the relationship, you already know it will. You need to find out why you're obsessed about it.. start with that.
Outcast Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. Yes you can. You are only a victim because you tell yourself you can't help it. Of course you can help it. Refuse to allow the thoughts to enter your brain. Tell yourself in whatever harsh terms you can that it is stupid to think you can hold someone that way - crushing someone only kills them. Focus on the moment. Train your brain to be in the now - enjoy the feel of her skin, the smell of her hair, her laugh, the food you eat, the movie you're watching. Be there in your experience instead of running tapes of 'what if'. You can do ANYTHING if you try.
Author Undertaker Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 Actually it's more insecurity than clingy. And the reason is, that I never had a girlfriend when I was in highschool or anything. I didn't start dating until I was a sophmore in college because I was fat up until then. Then I lost like 60 pounds. I dated my first girlfriend for 3 years until she basically broke up with me because of stuff like this. The bottom line is that I'm afraid of being alone. I can be alone...I have been alone...but I don't like it. I doubt you'd understand what it's like to never know if you'll ever find someone, but if you do, you might be able to see where I'm coming from.
Sealy Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by Undertaker I doubt you'd understand what it's like to never know if you'll ever find someone, but if you do, you might be able to see where I'm coming from. i can assure you there are ppl here that feel that... cos i do. i didnt date in highschool, my first serious gf was when i was 21! not that im really concerned... im happy with my own company and a got close friends etc etc you just gotta build up some trust with her, so do things that build that... whatever it is you guys do. the fact that in only 3-4 months you've gone on a family trip means shes thinkin of you in the long term so i wouldnt be worried about a sudden dumpage hehe im not really sure what you want us to say really... if you want "its ok dude she'll never leave you" we cant say that... good thing is you know the prob, just work on it... even if its one less paranoid "are you ok?" a day or something.
Outcast Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 The bottom line is that I'm afraid of being alone. I can be alone...I have been alone...but I don't like it. No good. Sorry but trying to clutch someone to hide from your own fear just won't cut it. It is possible to develop your own autonomy. See a counsellor if you have to. No adult can afford to be terrified of life alone because people die, get sick, get killed, leave. You have to stand on your own two feet and you start by not telling yourself that you can't do things or that you're afraid of things.
leeroy1985 Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Undertaker, you sound exactly like me. Ive been friends with this girl for about a year but recently weve been dating (for nearly 3mnths) and i was just like you... if she didnt hold my hand or give me a kiss as soon as we met id get paranoid that id done something wrong but then id do the same back to her then wed argue and it wasnt very good for the relationship. Realiseing that its you with the problem and not her being moody/morngy is half way there to beating this, just remember your not some freak.... plenty of people feel this way but some show it more than others. Obviously us being best friends as well as partners was an advantage because she knows me well so she just tells me to go with the flow, also try and focus on the things she does do rather than the things she doesnt do, eg. My girlfriend came out the other day, got in my car and didnt even say hi or give me a kiss..... i just thought to myself "well we had great sex last night and she told me she loved me and that i was amazing.... cant be me thats done anything wrong" or something along them lines then i just asked her if shed had a good day and it turned out that had i got paranoid it would of been for nothing because shed had a really bad day at college so we talked and i made her feel better about her day! Turning a potentially bad situation (getting paranoid and arguing) into a good situation (helping her feel better and your love growing stronger) Hope this helps because i know how you feel but its just in your head!
JS17 Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 I think a lot of people understand this. It happens frequently in first serious relationships. You're very attached to her because you have never felt this for anyone else and don't really believe that you could ever find anything this good again, which isn't true. i think you've gotten some pretty good advice here. you probably don't need meds but you might consider self-help or meditation books to help you with your anxiety or a support group if you feel that your anxiety isn't normal. you should also make it a point to maintain your own life as it was before you started dating this girl. see your friends more frequently and do all of the things you did in your spare time before you got together. spend more time focusing on that and it will help ease the time that you focus on her (which is probably too much).
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Put your arms around her. Kiss her. Hold her hand. If she is unresponsive, then you have something to worry about. But don't sit on yer butt waiting for her to make the first move. We all need affection, but some of us need to be shown it first before giving it and maybe both of you are like that. If so then you should have faith in your relationship and talk about this and BOTH make the effort to show how you feel more often. You're not a mind reader and neither is she.
fundamental Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by Undertaker Maybe I should just convince myself that worrying will destroy the relationship and then I'll just get obsessed with not worrying. But wait...does that still qualify as worrying? Okay, now I'm confused. Not to be a jerk...but I don't think some of you are listening. I KNOW that it's not good to be like this. BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. It's like being scared at a scary movie...you know that it's just a movie but yet you still get scared. Then perhaps you should just end the relationship, then you will not worry anymore.
Author Undertaker Posted July 27, 2005 Author Posted July 27, 2005 If I wanted to end the relationship, I wouldn't be worrying about it ending on its own.
fundamental Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 Undertaker, Well what do you want us to tell you? Many people on here have already told you to try relax.... I'm sure you have hobbies so that you are not focusing on the relationship...right??? Because if YOU do not relax, you are going to destroy the relationship yourself. If you feel your problem is that bad, go seek professional help. The reason I said "maybe you should end the relationship" is because you are panicking for no reason at all.... and sounds like you don't know how to handle this...which also means maybe you are not ready for this particular relationship until you resolve your own issues.
nicki Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 I understand what you mean. You know you don't want to do it, but you can't help it. You need the reassurance to feel the confidence....been there, too. For me, it really helped to ask myself: 1. What do I want? 2. What will that give me? For instance, if you want her to kiss you, hold you more, etc, what will that give you? A sense of security? You can ask yourself the questions several times to really get to the core. Then you will know what you want from her...because, as you know, you can't really control her behavior. You can make requests, however. If she cares about your feelings, she will consider them important. I had huge insecurity issues stemming from a bad previous relationship. I finally decided to stop voicing my doubt. Whenever I felt scared or doubtful, I called up the opposite thought of "Everything is fine. And if it's not, then I can handle it. I'll know soon enough if something is wrong. But If I'm going to assume anything right now, I'll assume everything is okay." (Repeat 10 times ) You can also act "as if." This means that you basically act confident, relaxed and soon you will feel more that way. It really does work. Then once in a while, if you aren't getting love signals from her, you can ask for reassurance, but just not all the time. Most of the time, we think everything is about us. So we are all coming from different perspectives while we are looking at the same thing. Like the poster said, she could just be having a bad day, or she might not be as physical as you. Everyone has a different love language, too. Maybe she loves hearing compliments and talking with you. Maybe she loves seeing your face and a loving look in it. Sorry to ramble. I know how you feel. It will get better with time!
sinkerswim Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 I know where you are coming from.... I have OCD and I do this.. I am on medication and still do this. I have to learn to relax and enjoy everything....Ive been noticing I have been becoming "clingy"... I gotta stop it NOW. Right now.. or I KNOW I will mess this up! I was in a relationship for 8 years and engaged before this, and this is my first relationship since then. (my ex left me) To think over a year ago, I didnt think I could find true love again...and I did. I just dont want to ruin anything now. I love him too much. Its also an long distance relationship... I miss him like crazy. Anyway...good luck to you Undertaker...I totally understand the way you feel.
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