Is it normal for a man to feel completely useless after a breakup?

[coresnet]

After my girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago I feel as I am not worthy of anything. I feel I can't do anything myself, I rarely go out with friends, I am still living with my parents (I'm 29) and feel stupid about that etc. etc. I have a decent job (I am a master in engineering), I dress well and keep up my appearance (although I am not beautiful by established standards), I take swimming lessons in the weekends and I have a loving and supporting family but still I feel like I am not worthy of being with someone In the meantime I think of my ex-gf like she is the best person in the world. She handles things in life as a mature person (she had lived with a bf for 4 years while in her early 20s), she is a very motivated person (she manages her own business all by herself, she is a florist), she can do any kind of homework, she goes out with friends having fun etc. It's like I compare the two of us now after the breakup and I feel worthless and not good enough for her, is it normal???

[sbk24]

I feel like that too. I'm 22 and have a degree, business and have really good friends but since the break up about a month ago I feel really unmotivated and my self esteem is at a all time low. Think it's just the feeling of rejection. It will go though in time I learnt that from a previous experience. In a few months time your be thinking why on earth did I feel like that.

 

At the moment just keep doing what you are doing, pretend to be happy and then eventually you will be. You need to be happy in yourself before anyone would be attracted to you. Plus if you can be happy on your own you will be truly happy and anyone who you is right for you is an extra bonus.

 

You have to think that you managed life without her before you can sure do it after. Wish I could take onboard my own advice but heyho

[fromheart]

The period after a relationship can be like a hangover, the night before you felt great, the next morning you have a headache.

 

What were the circumstances of your break up?

[SevenCity]

It's completely normal after being rejected. It will pass.

 

Get some new women and that will build up your confidence.

[Altair0770]

Stop comparing yourself to your ex would be the first step.

[coresnet]

The circumstances of the breakup were simple - she didn't love me anymore, wasn't happy in the relationship and didn't feel loved Honestly, I don't want to meet any women now, my heart is still reserved for her How should I stop comparing myself to my ex? I am not doing it on purpose but I do it sometimes and I feel "low" while she is "high" on her pedestal (in my mind).

[foofightingguy]

We all feel like that after a breakup, it is normal. Time will heal, slowly. Hang in there!

[Cornelius_Smiff]

I am sorry you are going through this awful time right now man I really am. I have been there myself and I am still sort of there a little.

 

Let me start by saying first and foremost, it does get easier! Initially you live your life from breath to breath, second to second. Slowly these moments become hour to hour and day to day etc. You will feel incredibly inadequate, alone and your self esteem will be shot to pieces. You will feel as miserable as you believe it is possible for any human to feel, whilst all the while you will imagine how happy your ex seems and feeling resentful that they seem to be getting on with their life without a care in the world. But, it’s all an illusion.

 

What you are feeling is completely normal. You will embellish the worst case scenario in your head, whilst using that perceived reality to then compare it to your own situation. More often than not it is completely not the case. Try this little trick I started using, when you feel like the grief is overwhelming or those feelings of comparison set in, get out of our own head and into the moment. Look around the room and pick out 3 things you notice (doesn’t matter what they are, as long as you can be descriptive about them). For example right now, I am sat in my Office at work and next to me is a half filled plastic cup of water… On the other side of the room is a whiteboard with some humorous quotes written on it and finally I can hear the Air con unit spluttering and someone making a joke about it being their stomach. This takes you out of your own thoughts and into the moment where you realise nothing bad is actually happening and the worst of what you feel is in your head. I am not saying you can shut those feelings off, but doing this creates a break in the dirt passage that you are slowly walking down.

 

Right now your own mind is your own worst enemy, it is a wildfire or emotions, thoughts and torturous self judgement. Just embrace those thoughts without letting them consume you but without running away. Let them be and just swim in them like you would a pool. You don’t drown but you don’t climb out either. When it becomes too stormy just break the cycle even if for a moment. Eventually you will learn to make friends with your own thoughts and you will realise they are more sensible, more rational and most of all less scary.

 

When my ex left me for someone else, initially I had visions of how happy she was with this new guy and how terrible I must have seemed. I lost my libido, my self esteem and some days I honestly wanted to get hit by a bus. Now I realise the truth, she thought she was happy but she was only compensating for her own lack of self esteem idolising this new relationship. She stopped doing her art, she quit her job and she shut herself down from any responsibilities. Now, she is jobless, directionless and has recently been contacting me regarding money. Me? I am now moving on, feel happier in myself, feel positive, been dating a little and only recently managed to sleep with a really hot girl Ive been talking to for a while (who is out of my league by the way). Not bragging but for someone like me that is a big deal and the ego boost was amazing. Friday afternoon I was the lowest I had been for a while due to money crap with my ex and her dad making threats, then Karma paid out and I ended up hooking up with this chick. Weirdly I am much calmer about the situation and all it took was taking myself out of my own mind and even in the worst case scenario, things are not that bad.

 

The point I’m making is, you have no control over what she does. You only control over what you do and how you react. Who knows maybe all of this stuff she is doing is just an illusion and is covering her own feelings. I don’t care if you are a stone cold heartless SOB, anyone in this situation feels something even if its only a little.

 

One final piece of parting advice. Do as many positive things as you can. Join a gym (this has worked wonders for me!), get a new hobby etc. Even though you don’t feel positive and it may take a while, keep doing positive things because when that day comes when you dare to smile, the positive things will feel awesome. FYI It is also normal to not want any other women and one day you will hit a tipping point where you still have feelings for your ex, but you will realise she isn’t the ONE. And trust me, I never ever thought I’d be saying this because my ex was the love of my life and I loved her with all my heart. Now? I don't care if I ever see her again.

 

You got this man! And we have got your back. Many of us here know what it’s like, trust in that and trust in yourself.

[coresnet]

I really see my ex is happy not being with me anymore and she is totally indifferent to me, like we are complete strangers. That hurts a lot! I know I shouldn't wish her bad things, and I AM NOT! But seeing her living a peaceful and enjoyable life makes me feel miserable as like it was "great, I got rid of this man that was the one and only reason I hadn't been happy and loved so now I am completely satisfied and living my new life, free like a bird". I imagine something like that... By the way - she is not the type of person that "needs" to be in a relationship and is not actively "searching" for a soulmate. She is alone now and will be as long as it takes, she is some type of a "self-sufficient" person and doesn't need somebody to be her boyfriend. A very stubborn person that had experienced many different and tough things in her life and very mature for her age. I am the total opposite...

[fromheart]

The circumstances of the breakup were simple - she didn't love me anymore, wasn't happy in the relationship and didn't feel loved Honestly, I don't want to meet any women now, my heart is still reserved for her How should I stop comparing myself to my ex? I am not doing it on purpose but I do it sometimes and I feel "low" while she is "high" on her pedestal (in my mind).

 

 

Its definitely very common to feel that way after someone has ended it with you. We're all going to get dumped at some point.

 

The key is to bounce back from it. The absolute best way is to immediately walk on and look after yourself. The last time I was dumped, I applied this and actually have the dumper express at interest. Not wanting to be with someone who dumped me I declined.

 

As soon as you walk on and live your life, you are taking your power back. The way you feel about yourself isn't governed by someone elses actions and their perception of you; its governed by you.

No one can really 'dump,' you in that sense, if a woman does leave you just look after yourself, wish her adios and look after your own happiness.

[breadbin]

So much good advice in this thread! I just want to chime in. I'd say it is perfectly normal to feel worthless after a break up. I know I do and it is normal. What everyone else here is saying is to bounce back and that is the key. Start doing things that make you happy and being happy with friends and family. And move on. A poster said and they are right that you cannot control how she feels about you but you can control how you feel. I wish I was as good at taking my own advice too!

 

You have to get out of the "Downward Spiral". I have been there and I suppose while I am not depressed I would have a habit of thinking the negative more so than seeing the positives. I used to catch myself thinking about my ex alot and I wouldn't even realise it. It just became a bad habit. Cornelius_Smiff has the right idea with distracting yourself. The reason I miss my ex is that I think about her all the time. Even subconsciously I find myself thinking about her driving home from work or whatever so it helps to distract yourself. Get an elastic band and put it on your wrist. When you catch yourself thinking about her or your loss, grief etc pull the band back and snap it on the wrist. It will give you that little kick to get out of the rut.

 

Now I'm off to take my own advice:) I was perfectly happy before I met her and I will be again. And you will too.

[mikeylo]

You didn't reciprocate her love.

 

Stop moaning , keep your ego aside and be the guy who has it in him to love her the way she deserves.

[coresnet]

I thought "reciprocate" means that I love her as well? If I didn't - we would not be a couple I guess?? What about the "unconditional" love??

[Maldives]

After my girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago I feel as I am not worthy of anything. I feel I can't do anything myself, I rarely go out with friends, I am still living with my parents (I'm 29) and feel stupid about that etc. etc. I have a decent job (I am a master in engineering), I dress well and keep up my appearance (although I am not beautiful by established standards), I take swimming lessons in the weekends and I have a loving and supporting family but still I feel like I am not worthy of being with someone In the meantime I think of my ex-gf like she is the best person in the world. She handles things in life as a mature person (she had lived with a bf for 4 years while in her early 20s), she is a very motivated person (she manages her own business all by herself, she is a florist), she can do any kind of homework, she goes out with friends having fun etc. It's like I compare the two of us now after the breakup and I feel worthless and not good enough for her, is it normal???

 

 

It's normal dude we all feel like this. Wen we get dumped our self esteem takes a big blow. Healing is the part where that is rebuilt over time. Imagine if a hot ch8ck was to ask u out in this state I garauntee u would forget about ur ex. Unfortunately wen we pine over these rejects we don't seem to verify able to attract the right person into our life. The other thing even tho they appear happy u can't 100 percent know how they really are just think of all the times u were wth ur ex and how she use to birch about how hard life was that'll give u some indication of where she's at. Sometimes dumpers will do that appear all happy just to rub it in to u. Try not to read too much into there state of being wen u can't be certain