spiderowl Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 It seems to me there are different levels of commitment. I am curious as to what commitment means to a guy. For example, is emotional sharing (talking to a woman about your feelings - not necessarily about her but about things that affect you in life) a form of commitment? Is telling a girl how you really feel about them (if you miss them or adore them) a kind of commitment or just 'sweet nothings'? Is being prepared to work round their schedule commitment? Is telling them you love them commitment? Obviously, agreeing that someone is your girlfriend in public is a kind of commitment and engagement and marriage are overt forms of commitment. So what stages in relationships would you personally see as forms of commitment on your part? How do you know if you are progressing towards more commitment or not? What do you see as a serious form of commitment, even if you are not the kind of person who seeks marriage, for example?
Mr Scorpio Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 For example, is emotional sharing (talking to a woman about your feelings - not necessarily about her but about things that affect you in life) a form of commitment? No. Is telling a girl how you really feel about them (if you miss them or adore them) a kind of commitment or just 'sweet nothings'' Coming from me? Neither. It'd be the sort of communication you describe above. Is being prepared to work round their schedule commitment? No. Is telling them you love them commitment? No. So what stages in relationships would you personally see as forms of commitment on your part? The that I am spending time with someone without it being discussed first. How do you know if you are progressing towards more commitment or not? If I am giving someone more of my time. What do you see as a serious form of commitment, even if you are not the kind of person who seeks marriage, for example? Dedicating two or more nights per week to spending time with someone. 2
basil67 Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 The examples you give are things I see as being thoughtful and a good partner but not commitment. I could be in a relationship with someone for a quite a while, but I would not commit to them until I was fairly confident that there were no deal breakers lurking and that the relationship was meeting my needs. To me, commitment would be part of the discussions which happen before moving in together. When you are seriously looking towards a future together and agree to keep working towards that. 2
Author spiderowl Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 (edited) Thanks, great to hear different views. I'm interested that commitment can be implied, Mr Scorpio. That you would recognise commitment by not objecting to friends making assumptions. It is an external thing though and you would presumably not be making it overt yourself? Basil, what kind of discussions would take place before moving in? Edited March 12, 2017 by spiderowl
Author spiderowl Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 Yes, I suppose it is the agreeing to a future together that is the significant one. Maybe all the rest are nothing to do with commitment? 1
MrDuck Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 I don't know if i really understand the question. Commitment is, committing, fully, to one girl, doing everything in your power to make that relationship succeed and nothing that would knowingly jeopardise and honestly (in the moment at least) not seeing anytime in the future where that is going to change for you. It seems to me there are different levels of commitment. I feel like its either or, your committed or your not. Surely by the very meaning of the word it is impossible to be 'half committed'. This: For example, is emotional sharing (talking to a woman about your feelings - not necessarily about her but about things that affect you in life) a form of commitment? Is telling a girl how you really feel about them (if you miss them or adore them) a kind of commitment or just 'sweet nothings'? Is being prepared to work round their schedule commitment? Is telling them you love them commitment? Is just being a good boyfriend, not commitment. Obviously, agreeing that someone is your girlfriend in public is a kind of commitment and engagement and marriage are overt forms of commitment. So what stages in relationships would you personally see as forms of commitment on your part? Committing to a relationship, moving in together, an engagement, and marriage How do you know if you are progressing towards more commitment or not? I dont think thats something you know in your head, i think it something you feel in your heart 2
Author spiderowl Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 Thanks MrDuck, I asked the question because everyone is different and might have different ideas of what commitment means to them. For my son, for example, simply admitting to me that he likes a girl is a huge commitment. He never usually shares such stuff! 1
Mr Scorpio Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 I'm interested that commitment can be implied, Mr Scorpio. That you would recognise commitment by not objecting to friends making assumptions. It is an external thing though and you would presumably not be making it overt yourself? That all depends on the situation. I would make it overt were I mutually interested in being committed to the other person. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 (edited) Words don't really mean too much....I think many women put WAY too much stock in those things...I mean they can mean something, but how do you really know?? Guys that know how to game women for sex are great at this stuff...masters at it, really...Conversely, there are good and devoted guys that just don't feel comfortable expressing themselves in that way... Commitment, is someone who will care for you when things aren't going well..Commitment is having the other person's back at all times..Commitment is knowing what the other person wants and needs without ever asking...Commitment is being considerate of the other persons feelings, even if it may be something that you wouldn't normally do when not in a relationship.. There are a lot of other criteria...but I hope you understand what I am trying to say... TFY Edited March 13, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 4
carhill Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 Been awhile since the last time it first happened, about a generation ago now, but I recall my first and most profound inkling of profound commitment occurred when I noticed I had no eyes nor thoughts for another than the woman who would become my wife. She was always on my mind. Obviously, we take actions to show our commitment but I'm talking about the thoughts and feelings of commitment and sole focus. I've loved plenty of women in my life, both romantically and platonically, and actions such as you described OP have been evident in many of those circumstances. So what stages in relationships would you personally see as forms of commitment on your part? Exclusivity of association; expression of intimacy in word and action; expression of intimacy sexually; being there without fail through the good, the bad and the horrific; expressing the commitment publicly and legally. How do you know if you are progressing towards more commitment or not? I usually know after a couple months of dating and generally before any sexual activity. How? Things tunnel in. Outside distractions are not a factor. Emotional focus narrows. She's always on my mind, not always boom out front but rather simmering in the background. What do you see as a serious form of commitment, even if you are not the kind of person who seeks marriage, for example? Constancy of contact, sharing of the breadth of our humanity, and increasingly viewing our milieu as a team and not two people dating, having sex and enjoying a romance. Life partners, as much as anything can be for life. My process came from my socialization tape, watching two people deal with life for life, together, until death separated them and, then, for the survivor, the steadfast adhesion to the value of that partnership until death. The hardest thing I had to do as son was to remove her wedding rings when I put her in a locked dementia facility. She wore them for a generation after death and would have until she died but I didn't want someone stealing them like so much chattel. Anyway, it was on my mind. Good luck with your relationships... 1
mikeylo Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 People in 'committed 'relationships , cheat all the time. They abuse and what not. Its not a title rather actions that prove and show commitment. Words have no value. Its everything you do or dont do , proves how committed someone is in a relationship. While marriage is supposed to be the ultimate commitment but some are relationships without the title have more commitment in them. It comes with plenty of sacrifice ( without throwing it in partner's face ) and doing it willingly and happily. You put your partner and your relationship before anything else.
Author spiderowl Posted March 13, 2017 Author Posted March 13, 2017 Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Oldshirt, your comments are lovely and show real depth. It seems commitment is not just by token gestures but they do count. Strangely enough, many people do cheat in their marriages and yet stay with the same partner. Is that a form of commitment even though there is cheating?
mikeylo Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 Strangely enough, many people do cheat in their marriages and yet stay with the same partner. Is that a form of commitment even though there is cheating? Thats a million dollar question !
Gaeta Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 There are all types of commitments and all levels of commitments from I commit to only have sex with you to I commit the rest of my life to you and a bunch of different commitments in between. My ILY is a serious commitment. To me it means I want to spend the rest of my life with you. For some ILY only means they feel butterflies and see rainbows all around. That is why we have communication. Communication serve to communicate to your SO what commitment you are ready to give and what commitment you are wanting to get in return. 1
MrDuck Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Thanks MrDuck, I asked the question because everyone is different and might have different ideas of what commitment means to them. For my son, for example, simply admitting to me that he likes a girl is a huge commitment. He never usually shares such stuff! Yeah i get you, I guess everyone is different, I'm either all in or all out, I'm not really a half way kinda guy. I'm not great with being with sick people, like flu or sickness normally makes me want to put on a facemask or run in the opposite direction But when my gf's sick all I want to do is cuddle up in bed or on the couch and binge watch silly tv shows and make her feel better. So I guess for me, if i commit to probably catching your illness then you can take it as a sign im pretty committed to our relationship! 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Commitment is, to me, a responsibility towards the well being of my partner and towards the development of a healthy, fulfilling relationship from day 1. I discovered the hard way that it is conditional and that a one-sided commitment comes at a huge emotional cost. Knowing what true commitment looks like (give and take between 2 people dedicated to make the other happy) has made it easy, with experience, to spot commitment phobes (they pretty much follow the same patterns of behaviour, and they are often in denial) - unfortunately, they are also the type I'm invariably drawn to. 1
Author spiderowl Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 Are people really commitment-phobes? I suppose it is a huge thing committing yourself to one person. You'd have to feel pretty much as though no-one else would do, as if you had met your soulmate. I suppose people who cannot commit have not found the right person but maybe someone close. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Yeah, I do think people can be commitment - phobics. From observation, those I know don't want to be, often they don't think they are or they don't want to admit it to themselves, they more often than not desperately want to be in a committed relationship, which is why they seek faithful, loyal partners yet they can't quite bring themselves to going the whole hog themselves, always one foot out of the door. From observation, it's never 'the right time' - to settle down, to have kids, to propose, to get married, or the person they're with is never 'quite enough', like for the serial cheats or those who have panic attacks wandering whether the one they're with is the last person they'll be intimate with. For someone genuinely in love, that would be a happy thought, not cause for night sweats! 1
thefooloftheyear Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Commitment "phobes" may pertain to those that have many or almost limitless options...It can be tough at that point.... Some others though, are just blind squirrels that found the nut..They get it and hang on for dear life... TFY
mikeylo Posted March 16, 2017 Posted March 16, 2017 Commitment phobes come in various forms! Some want variety and can't feel satisfied with one person ; some don't have it in them to meet the needs of another person while some have'nt met the right person and don't want to get tied down to the wrong person. Everyone wants a connection with someone, including CPs. Most of them just have'nt found the right one. From my life experience, when a CP finds his or her match, they don't let go of that person and their friends and family find it hard to believe! lol. They turn from CP to a complete committed person. 1
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