Unofficially engaged and wanting to move in together...

[missnaive]

So I usually try to work things out on my own with a little help from friends but I feel like I need an outsiders advice about my situation...

 

Earlier last year I (28y/o Female) broke up with my then bf and moved to Atlanta. The relationship was toxic and I had to get out and start fresh. We lived together for almost 2 years and I vowed to never do that again unless I was engaged. Its just horrible to live with an ex and neither can move on. My intention was to move into my own place after about a month or so. My parents , who were already living in the area allowed me to stay in their home free of charge. They wanted to help me save so they asked that I gave them a set amount every month and they would save it for me until I got my own place. i absolutely loved the city and wanted to purchase a house/condo to help save me some money and in turn make a good investment. I was unsure about what kind of house I wanted and where for a while. During the process I decided to stay with my parents. In the meantime I met who I believe is my soulmate. He (a 30y/o male) treats me like a queen and makes sure I am happy. We have been dating for almost 2 months but he has said on multiple occasions that he wants to marry me. This didn't sound like a pick up line or flirting to me because he is divorced with 2 small children that currently live with their mother and he seems like he wants to start a family and do things right. Overtime I have taken the term unofficially engaged to mean that we have agreed that we want to marry each other but there is no ring and we have not announced it to anyone yet. He also moved to the area about a month before we met and was in transition (getting a job, his own place, etc) His sister (who lives with her bf) agreed to let him stay in their apartment until he got on his feet. Everything was on track he was getting job interviews left and right and then he asked if we should just get an apartment together since we were in a similar position. And since we are always around each other, if we got separate places, one of the places would not be used and would be a waste of money. Obviously we would not move until he got settled in his job. I thought about it and went over all of the scenarios that could go wrong just to make sure I was prepared for anything. So after 3 months of the house buying process I decided it was better to get an apartment (with or without my bf it was a good idea for at least a year). I didn't know the area well and if everything worked out with my boyfriend and we do get married I wanted to go through buying the house with him.

 

My parents has not met him yet due to our living situations and other circumstances but he is willing to meet them anytime. However my parents feel as though I am hiding him. Lately his sister and her bf have been getting into arguments everyday and her bf has even striked her once across the face. The day my bf found this out he called the police to avoid himself getting into an altercation with the bf. This made her bf angry and he asked her to make her brother leave the house for good. However GA law states that you must evict the person (give them 60-days) to get them out after they have stayed past 7 days and if they have already established residency. He has been there for over a month. Last night the police was called again after my bf and his sisters bf had an arguing match. It was pretty scary but my bf is tired of seeing this guy treat his sister like crap. He had an altercation with her ex-husband in the past because he was also physically abusive to her. The police asked for my bf to get a hotel room for the night and figure everything out in the morning and then notified his sisters bf that he has to file for eviction and he cannot kick him out. The bf said he would just change the locks and if he tried to come back he would cut off the lights and water and put his sister and her two kids in a hotel until my boyfriend left. Not believable but okay ... I stayed with him for the last 2 days because he has no where else to go. He doesn't want to go back and make it worse for him or his sister so he is just stay as far away from them as possible. His new job hasn't started yet and he doesn't have enough saved to get an apartment on his own. He gets his tax refund in 2 weeks and he could find a place then.

 

My problem is that I don't want to feel obligated to help him but I feel like if I don't help him I wont be a supportive girlfriend. if i were in a similar situation I would want him to help me. My parents are really overprotective and OCD at the same time. They have kicked me out before over a messy bedroom so I know it can happen again if I don't leave soon. They don't like that i stay out late with him and continuously give me lectures about guys and being careful. They feel like I am being used but I feel he would never do that. He has thanked me over and over for being there for him and keeping him company.

 

I have broken it down into a few options since I am more financially stable and can get a place a lot sooner than he can:

(A) Move out on my own in to a 1BR and allow him to stay in my apartment until he gets everything together then add him to the lease. If it doesn't work out I would have to evict him or we would have to stay in the 1BR apartment until the lease is over (just like my last relationship).

(B) Move out on my own into a 2BR (a little more expensive) and allow him to stay in my apartment until he gets everything together then add him to the lease. if it doesn't work out romantically he can take the 2nd bedroom. or if he leaves and the rent is too much I can find a roommate.

© Wait until he gets his taxes in a couple of weeks and them start the process of moving into a 1 BR or 2BR apartment. he would have to figure out a place to stay for 2-3 weeks.

(D) Move out on my own and encourage him to move elsewhere when he gets his money. (This may strain the relationship since we have already discussed moving in together)

 

A-C will warrant family and friends to all give their opinions, attitudes, etc. and I may end up with no support system if something was to go wrong. We both have dealt with this from our friends and family and just want to live our life together and be happy. We know that if something doesn't work out then it is not supposed to but are we supposed to be so afraid of everything that we don't do anything we want? I don't want to rush this process just in case we do not work out. I have also thought about getting a roommate agreement drawn up and having both of us sign it so that we do not have to deal with unnecessary problems that come with living together. I am trying to look at it as a roommate situation because i have roomed with plenty of people in the past when i didn't not have the funds to get my own place. We would just have the added bonus of being in a relationship lol.

 

BTW my parents met and got married after only 4 months of knowing each other. They are still married after 29 years. So we know it is possible to find love in such a short time. We are not kids anymore and just want to do what is best for us. we know every situation is different and in my experience living with someone is the best way to get to know who they are. i would never marry someone that I have not lived with before. That is my preference since I have had to deal with my last relationship. With all this said if you were in my situation how would you proceed? Also if there is anyone who has had a short courtship, I welcome your advice. Thank you in advance.

Edited March 11, 2017 by missnaive

[Ittakestwo]

my sincere reply: D

[Mr Scorpio]

[MidwestUSA]

Um, no. Just no. I get that your parents are over protective, but are you so sheltered that you can't learn from your mistakes? You moved in with the last guy at the three month mark.

 

Are you settling for 'unofficially engaged'? This guy isn't the going to have money for a ring for a long time. You won't marry someone you haven't lived with, and won't live with someone without being engaged? Do you see how this doesn't make sense?

 

I know you don't think he's using you, but I urge you to rethink that. He hasn't even started his job! What if it doesn't work out?

 

As for experience, I'm speaking as one who let my BF move in at seven weeks. We've been married for four years now. I don't recommend it.

[missnaive]

Hello! Thank you for your feedback! I bolded the statements I am responding to.

 

Um, no. Just no. I get that your parents are over protective, but are you so sheltered that you can't learn from your mistakes? You moved in with the last guy at the three month mark.

 

I feel like I have learned from my mistakes. I have had nearly every kind of roommate situation happen to me (lost job, don't want to work, rude, ex boyfriend, etc.) that I feel I have planned for the worst. When planning it I felt it was better to get a short lease in a 2BR apartment. That way we would have a date marked of when at least one of us would have to move out if it didn't work out, we could sleep in separate rooms and agree to just a standard roommate set up. I would also make a written roommate agreement that outlines certain guidelines with both of our signatures (just in case we had to go to court - it can happen) I would not want move with him unless he actually had the job because that would be required for him to be on the lease. How did it work with your now husband? Can you share what didn't work?

 

Are you settling for 'unofficially engaged'? This guy isn't the going to have money for a ring for a long time. You won't marry someone you haven't lived with, and won't live with someone without being engaged? Do you see how this doesn't make sense?

 

What do you mean by settling? As in forever? No I am not. I used the term "unofficially engaged" because we have not seriously announced it because we are not in the right place financially and we would want to know each other a lot better. We talk about the future and what we want as opposed to like my past relationships being in a long-term relationship did not mean we we ready for marriage. Also, I mentioned earlier that I would not move in without being engaged because that is how I felt right after my last relationship ended but today I feel a bit different because I believe that if I used more precaution in that situation it would not have been so painful if the relationship failed part way through the lease. So yes if you put those statements together I see how it would not make sense .

 

I know you don't think he's using you, but I urge you to rethink that. He hasn't even started his job! What if it doesn't work out?

 

I don't think he is using me because he has not asked me for anything other than get an apartment together and that was more of a suggestion. I made the move to go look at places. Maybe I shouldn't have idk. Like I mentioned before I would not move with him before he started his job as he would need it to be put on the lease. However if we were to move together it would not be for a few weeks and by this time he would be at least 2 weeks into his new job. If it doesn't work out we would do like I mentioned above and move into the separate rooms and live like regular roommates until the lease ended. Hopefully this doesn't come off wrong but other than the emotional attachment, what would you say is the difference of living with a new boyfriend and living with someone you don't know at all? They both have pros and cons and it can also not work out with this stranger. I would be in the same situation but with someone I don't know.

 

As for experience, I'm speaking as one who let my BF move in at seven weeks. We've been married for four years now. I don't recommend it.

 

The way you stated this is a bit confusing to me . Was it a horrible situation and you worked it out and are happy now after 4 years or are you saying it was horrible and you have now been in a horrible relationship for 4 years because of it?

 

Thanks again for your response.