Things ended badly and emotionally [UPDATE: depression, or am I just not over him?]

[kendahke]

You don't find it wrong for him to completely ghost on me? I mean, after spending every weekend with each other for three months you'd think he'd at least have the decency to reply to my texts and tell me that he didn't feel like it was working out. You don't find that immature?

 

I'm not going to jump on your bandwagon of blame because there's enough of it to go around between the two of you. You do have some fault here in this and that is after 3 weekends, this weekly romp should have been grounded to a halt if he wasn't attempting to reciprocate on what you wanted. It was unbalanced from the get-go.

 

The issue here is that you think you had a far deeper connection to/relationship with him than he ever thought he had with you. People who are not connected don't feel they owe the other person anything, even if you were spending each weekend for 3 months together and texting. Unless he said "Did, I want us to be exclusive and officially together", then his behavior was clear that he didn't view your interaction the way you did.

 

Everyone has the right to change their minds about being involved with another person. Will it hurt? Will they do it clumsily? Most likely--lots of people are confrontational-avoidant and prefer to disappear and rely on that person's common sense to put two and two together. Yeah, it sucks to be ghosted on, but in some ways, it's better for them to ghost than for you to corner them and they savage your esteem for you.

 

He didn't view you as his girlfriend. He viewed you as a weekly sex buddy who went along with having sex first without having stood sentry to her boundaries since the truth was: she wanted a relationship and not something casual.

 

I mean, if you just needed an itch scratched, then there's nothing wrong with that AS LONG AS YOU ARE CLEAR THAT THAT IS ALL YOU WANT FROM THE PERSON and you agree from the start that that is all you want. When that begins to change and the other person isn't on board, that is when you stop seeing them or putting yourself in close proximity to his bed with your clothes on the ground. He was going to say whatever he needed to say to get you naked, but that didn't mean he wanted to include his heart in that equation.

 

Grace and dignity demands that you be very clear from the outset on what you want from that person and your BEHAVIOR FOLLOWS SUIT. You may end up not getting the guy you want, but at least you are true to your own personal policy and you don't violate that policy just because you want "a boyfriend" and he'll do.

 

You have gotten a lot of really good advice on your thread--and most of it isn't what you want to hear, but it's what you need to hear because it will save you so much angst and heartache in the future.

Edited March 16, 2017 by kendahke

[Zahara]

We didn't spend every weekend just having sex...in fact it took us a while to even have sex. He would bring me to parties and we watched the election together and I knew all of his friends and would hang out with him and his roommates. We texted each other happy new years and merry christmas and would make sure to text at least every other day. This wasn't the sort of thing where he would just message me on friday saying hey come over. Like there were emotions involved.

 

That all means absolutely nothing. There are guys that can go through the motions, have an absolutely fun time with you without ever having to invest any emotions. They'e enjoying the attention and the company. They're anticipating sex. All with very little emotional investment. It ran its course with him and he took a step back, and it is likely when he realized you were getting invested. If a guy is interested in you, he will show you. It's really that simple.

 

There were emotions BUT on your part. You're projecting.

[stillafool]

 

Never got a response. Two days later my school had a snow day and I was kinda drunk and messaged him: Hey lol idk if u have a snow day rn but I'm pretty and was wondering if you wanna chill at your place.

 

Never got a response. Haven't heard from him since. It's been over a month. Still think I shouldn't reach out? Idk....

 

Well you were pretty much offering sex to chill out at your place and he didn't respond he was lukewarm about you. It seems he was only going to take you out to pay you back for taking care of him while he was drunk. I would move on and just let it go.

[Didyouknow96]

Yeah I mean he literally said that lol.

[Didyouknow96]

Basically, an undefined situation I had with a guy for four months ended horribly early February. I was an emotional wreck for like two weeks and spiraled out of control, did ****ty in school, was mean to all my friends, nearly lost my job, etc. After about a month I stopped showing signs of being upset externally, but would still cry at night and think about him all the time. So yeah it's been three months and seriously not an hour passes without him on my mind. I'm even talking to someone new that's much more like me and so sweet and just an overall better person, but I can't bring myself to commit to him.

 

For a while, the old guy didn't watch any of my snapchat stories. I deleted him off snapchat but my profile is public so he can still watch them. Now he watches them a couple times a week and always on the weekends. It ****s with my mind so much. I seriously think I still love him. So one time he got really drunk and I had to bring him home and help him out and stuff. Yesterday I just started like daydreaming that I got there too late and he had died even though I called the ambulance right away, and I was like crying and yelling at his friends (in the daydream). Then I started crying in real life! My roommate walked in and there was no way for me to even explain why I was upset.

 

He's from England and was only here for a year. I'm going home Thursday and he's leaving the country in two weeks. I'll never see him again and I have no closure. I mean it's reasonable to assume he's not interested anymore since you know, haven't heard from him in three months, but I keep just clinging on to the idea that he's too nervous to say something and that of course he'll say goodbye before he leaves.

 

And our relationships or whatever it is wasn't even good. I didn't feel safe or protected or anything, he was pretty much a dick but I just admired his intelligence and success and fell for him like crazy.

 

Please help me :'(

[SerPundnes]

You daydream about finding him dead?

 

Seek. help. now.

 

"Daydreaming is a short-term detachment from one's immediate surroundings, during which a person's contact with reality is blurred and partially substituted by a visionary fantasy, especially one of happy, pleasant thoughts, hopes or ambitions, imagined as coming to pass, and experienced while awake."

[Didyouknow96]

No like I just imagine this scenario where I went to go help him that night, but I didn't get there on time. Then I get really upset because I start imaging that he died. So I guess so, but it's not like I want him to die, like the exact opposite of that

[Didyouknow96]

I used the word day dream for lack of a better term

[SerPundnes]

Fair enough.

 

Well, we all experience falling in love with someone that's not good for us.

This guys dosen't sound very good for/to you.

 

He is leaving the country in 2 weeks? I would look at this as an GREAT opportunity for you to move on and focus 100% on yourself!

 

I don't think meeting up with him before he leaves will give you the closure you're hoping for.

 

It's perfectly normal to feel depressed in the situation you are in. I've been there myself.

 

I'm now 6 months post BU, and I can promise you it will get easier! But you have to give it time, all the time you need to process it all.

 

I would go 100% NC now, and never look back. Keeping up any kind of contact won't do you any good. You will prob lose a good chunk of hope when he moves out of the country (if you are carrying hope, that is).

 

1. Grieve for as long as you have to

2. Stay NC

3. Start focusing on yourself

4. Find something to do (gym, hobby, social stuff)

5. Make positive changes

 

Will NC allow you to heal? Yes. Will doing NC in conjunction with making positive changes heal you faster? Absolutely.

[Didyouknow96]

But the horrible thing is that he encouraged me to apply to study abroad in London next semester (where he is)...so I'm going there in the fall :(. I had already applied and everything before he ghosted me and it's the only semester I can go abroad.

[SerPundnes]

But the horrible thing is that he encouraged me to apply to study abroad in London next semester (where he is)...so I'm going there in the fall :(. I had already applied and everything before he ghosted me and it's the only semester I can go abroad.

 

So it's atleast 4 months til you're going there?

 

I would use this time to (as I said) focus on yourself 100%.

 

Grieve, feel the pain, get to know the pain, surpass the pain, process it all.

 

AND go NC 100% from today. Everytime you break NC theres a big chance you'll be back to square one.

 

So if you want time to help you before going to London, help yourself by staying NC.

 

You don't have much of a choice now either.

 

Seek help from a therapist, that has helped me alot.

[Didyouknow96]

So it's atleast 4 months til you're going there?

 

I would use this time to (as I said) focus on yourself 100%.

 

Grieve, feel the pain, get to know the pain, surpass the pain, process it all.

 

AND go NC 100% from today. Everytime you break NC theres a big chance you'll be back to square one.

 

So if you want time to help you before going to London, help yourself by staying NC.

 

You don't have much of a choice now either.

 

Seek help from a therapist, that has helped me alot.

 

But if I make my snapchat private, then he can't see my stuff, then he won't know i'm in london. what if he thinks I've moved on from him? what if we both want to be together but neither of us want to say it

[lana-banana]

But if I make my snapchat private, then he can't see my stuff, then he won't know i'm in london. what if he thinks I've moved on from him? what if we both want to be together but neither of us want to say it

 

He doesn't want to be with you. There is not a single word in this thread to suggest he ever thought of you as more than a FWB, which is to be expected since you admit you were just casually hooking up for a few months.

 

He doesn't care what you're doing on Snapchat, he doesn't care that you'll be in London, he isn't interested in your life. Let him go and pour all this energy into something positive before it consumes you. Right now you seem to be hurting---which is fine! It's normal, even!---but if you keep obsessing it's going to lead you down a dark and painful road.

[Didyouknow96]

if he doesn't care about my snapchats why is he watching them. he also watches alllllll my best friend's snapchats cause i'm always in them. And whenever it looks like i'm at a party at his school he watches my snapchat immediately.

[lana-banana]

Have you considered the possibility he watches everyone's snapchats immediately, not just yours? If you reached any harder you'd strain something. This guy doesn't want to be with you and you're inventing excuses to justify why you can't let go. The sooner you cut the cord the less it'll hurt.

[Didyouknow96]

But he didn't watch them for a really long time. He would watch my friend's but ignore mine. You're really gonna tell me that him watching them now all of a suddenn means nothing?

[SerPundnes]

But he didn't watch them for a really long time. He would watch my friend's but ignore mine. You're really gonna tell me that him watching them now all of a suddenn means nothing?

 

I'm sorry, but you are overthinking and over-analyzing this Snapchat-thing waaaaaaay too much.

 

Make your Snapchat private. Disappear from his life, he for sure has disappeared from yours.

 

Theres not much else to be said here. I've shared my 2 cents.

 

Let this guy go. There will be someone else for you further down the path. You're 21 years old! You're very young and got a bunch of time finding someone else later on.

[Didyouknow96]

I'm actually only 20