Things ended badly and emotionally [UPDATE: depression, or am I just not over him?]

March 11, 2017

Basically, this guy and I were casually hooking up and partying together for 4 months, september through january, and things ended kind of emotionally at the end of january because I became really insecure and sort of flipped out on him and he just didn't care to listen to me or fix the situation.

He hasn't made any effort to resolve things and ignored my last two texts, sent at the beginning of Feb. I miss him a lot. I have dreams about him, I always want to look at his snapchats but I resist cause he rarely posts them but always ignores mine and I post a lot. Whenever I'm drunk I want to see him and honestly I cry about him A LOT. He's moving back to his home country (he's an exchange student) in a few months and even though I'm studying there next year I feel like I'll never see him again. Should I humiliate myself and tell him I want to see him? Help!

Actually, he usually watches my stories on fridays and saturdays, when I'm going out. He sees that I'm having a good time and all, is that bad?

March 11, 2017

Basically, this guy and I were casually hooking up and partying together for 4 months, september through january, and things ended kind of emotionally at the end of january because I became really insecure and sort of flipped out on him and he just didn't care to listen to me or fix the situation.
He hasn't made any effort to resolve things and ignored my last two texts, sent at the beginning of Feb. I miss him a lot. I have dreams about him, I always want to look at his snapchats but I resist cause he rarely posts them but always ignores mine and I post a lot. Whenever I'm drunk I want to see him and honestly I cry about him A LOT. He's moving back to his home country (he's an exchange student) in a few months and even though I'm studying there next year I feel like I'll never see him again. Should I humiliate myself and tell him I want to see him? Help!
Actually, he usually watches my stories on fridays and saturdays, when I'm going out. He sees that I'm having a good time and all, is that bad?

Don't lose your grace and dignity over an Fbuddy. He wasn't invested in you in a way that would lead him to want to resolve this. You've reached out twice and he chose not to return your texts. I think his silence is telling you that it's time for you to move on from him.

Him watching whatever is meaningless if he's not in the mindset to get over whatever it was that was said during your meltdown and contact you. It's not like he doesn't know how. He's choosing not to. You need to remember that.

Be sad. Cry. Get it out of your system. You also might want to scale back the drinking so you're not gutting your grace and dignity trying to get his attention. Sometimes things don't work out the way we want to and the mature thing is to accept that this is his decision and move on.

March 11, 2017

I know, but it wasn't just a **** buddy, I mean, he took me to parties twice a week and called me his girl and I knew all his friends. This was the most serious thing I've had with guy which I know is sad but I'm only 19 and have been very shy throughout my life and uninterested in dating. The pathetic thing is I originally wanted to study abroad in Ireland but I applied to London instead because I genuinely believed he might want me to be there. Then this whole disaster happened. So now I'm following him around the globe. I feel like I should delete him off snapchat but if I do I legit lose my last connection to him and I care about him so much.

March 11, 2017

I know, but it wasn't just a **** buddy, I mean, he took me to parties twice a week and called me his girl and I knew all his friends. This was the most serious thing I've had with guy which I know is sad but I'm only 19 and have been very shy throughout my life and uninterested in dating. The pathetic thing is I originally wanted to study abroad in Ireland but I applied to London instead because I genuinely believed he might want me to be there. Then this whole disaster happened. So now I'm following him around the globe. I feel like I should delete him off snapchat but if I do I legit lose my last connection to him and I care about him so much.

What are his actions telling you about how he esteems you, though?

And although you don't want to admit it, yeah, he was just a fbuddy. Knowing his friends and him calling you his girl didn't stop him from dropping you off at the mall and keep going when you asked for something he wasn't about to give you. If it was more than that, he would have at least compromised and not let this fissure expand the way it has.

Just because this is the most serious thing you've had coupled with your past disinterest in dating doesn't mean that he's obligated to stay in it if he doesn't want to--and his actions are saying he doesn't want to stay in it with you... especially if he's doing nothing to mend this knowing that he's he's looking at your snapchat every weekend and is still leaving the country in the not too distant future.

Edited March 11, 2017 by kendahke

March 11, 2017

Yeah, I guess, it's just to me a fbuddy is someone you just text late at night and go screw. Like we would always talk for a while or watch TV before we started doing stuff. And he took me to his formal dance thing. Ugh, I think I really fell in love with him. Right before things fell apart he had gotten really drunk and I took care of him all night and he was being really cuddly and affectionate in his drunken state and we had sex when he sobered up a little and it felt so intimate and legit things fell apart the next week. I just don't get how you can spend three days a week with someone for three months, text them everyday, like we texted so much over winter break, and then just ghost on them. Like I agree with you that he's not interested, but can we agree that he's a dick?

March 11, 2017

Yeah, I guess, it's just to me a fbuddy is someone you just text late at night and go screw. Like we would always talk for a while or watch TV before we started doing stuff. And he took me to his formal dance thing. Ugh, I think I really fell in love with him. Right before things fell apart he had gotten really drunk and I took care of him all night and he was being really cuddly and affectionate in his drunken state and we had sex when he sobered up a little and it felt so intimate and legit things fell apart the next week. I just don't get how you can spend three days a week with someone for three months, text them everyday, like we texted so much over winter break, and then just ghost on them. Like I agree with you that he's not interested, but can we agree that he's a dick?

I don't know him and I don't' know exactly what you said to him (nor have I heard his side of things) that caused him to drop you off at the mall and keep going, so in the absence of that, I'll reserve judgment. Whatever it was you said hit its target so true that it's caused him to withdraw at breakneck speed and not give a rip about being with you anymore. Actions have consequences. All. The Time.

March 11, 2017

I feel like I should delete him off snapchat but if I do I legit lose my last connection to him and I care about him so much.

You should not contact him. You definitely should not further humiliate yourself for this guy & you should delete him off social media because that is not a legitimate connection to him.

This is a guy who was around when things were fun & easy. He didn't have to work too hard. You gave him sex; he liked that, especially the part where you didn't demand fidelity from him.

Then you got insecure. You admit you flipped out on him. At that point he concluded that you were crazy & not worth the trouble. Every contact you have with him after that reinforces his belief that you are psycho. I'm not saying you are anything other than a heartbroken 19 year old who is doing the foolish immature things we all did back then we were heartbroken. I am saying that your efforts have the opposite effect on him.

Face the fact that it's over. Lick your wounds. Take some time to heal. Dive into your studies & move on.

March 13, 2017

What do you mean by this? I didn't say anything mean to him. I just told him that I felt like he wasn't interested anymore and that he wasn't showing me any affection.

March 13, 2017

What do you mean by this? I didn't say anything mean to him. I just told him that I felt like he wasn't interested anymore and that he wasn't showing me any affection.

Right there you have answered your own question. You tolerate his behavior too long and you need to let this one go. Don't show weakness it's not a good thing because once you do you loose the respect, interest and most of all what you really wanted was someone you can trust. Your going to do it no matter what we all say here because you said in your first post. You dream about him. You really want him no matter what he does to you. That's the sad part about all of this. He's not the only man in this world, and sure it's not easy to find someone you can click with. If you can "get out of the kitchen" then do it! Move on and don't you ever contact this guy again. You do not need such a man in your life to waste it anymore.

March 13, 2017

It's just hard because I went on a date recently and it went really well and we went back to his place and fooled around but then he didn't text me the next day...I didn't even waste time being upset over it though because I just went straight back to being sad over the first guy...sigh...I don't feel like it would be healthy for me to get into a new relationship when I'm not over whatever I had with this guy. He was so cute and seemed like a sweet person but really wasn't. I keep painting the romantic picture of him in my mind when he really wasn't much...

March 13, 2017

Good lord...I keep getting sucked into these threads that seem to be troll threads because I can hardly take them seriously. Yes. I know I don't have to reply but what the heck...I may as well.

You opened with the fact that you two were casual and he apparently didn't get the memo that things had changed. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, why not just be open and honest about your feelings for the guy? He may feel the same way about you...expecting him to be a ****ing mind reader is not fair at all...

March 13, 2017

OP, if you confronted him about not appearing interested, and then he did nothing to correct your assumption and instead stopped contacting you...then you were right. He's not interested. Not in the way you were, anyway.

I would not contact him again. It's not a nice way to end things, but rarely do these things end well anyway.

March 13, 2017

Okay so basically here's what happened.

Over winter break I started miss him. a lot. But I wouldn't text him any more often then usual because his responses were usually pretty casual and he wasn't much of a texter. I didn't want to be annoying. But at night I would miss him a lot and even like cry about it. He got back to school a week earlier than I did and I shaved my bag that morning which was an awful idea because I made it all red and blotchy, but I decided to ask him to hang out anyways. He said he had to wake up early the next morning so he couldn't but that I could stop by and say hi. I became a combination of insecure and angry because I felt like he didn't want to see me after being a way for a whole month, but I also was nervous to go see him because I didn't want him to see my vag and I didn't feel comfortable telling him about the predicament. I didn't see him that night.

Fast forward a week. I move back in to school and text him "finally back!" He reads it and doesn't reply for like five hours. So I start feeling really insecure and as if he's losing interest. I ask him if he wants to hang out that night and he just straight up ignores it. For the first time ever I confront him and ask him why he ignored me. He said sorry and that it's just hard with roommates. He asked me to hang out the next day and I just felt salty and said I was busy. He replied "lol ok." So there was some tension.

That friday he invited me to a party and I got there lateish and legit he was already black out drunk. We kissed and hugged for like a minute and then he started vomiting. I basically took care of him all night and it felt really affectionate and intimate and when he sobered up a bit we had like sloppy drunk sex. The next day he thanked me for taking him home and asked me if I'd like to do something without alcohol that night. I had plans so I said another time.

We hung out the next Thursday, just watching TV and cuddling, making out, it was nice. I slept over for a bit but left around 3 AM. He had turned away from me on the bed and didn't walk me down or to the door when I left which felt kind of strange. The next day I was at a party and I asked him to come but he said it was too far. I kind of sent him some annoying drunk texts which he didn't comment on. The next day was Saturday and we had plans to go to dinner. I text him at 1 PM asking how he's doing and he just replies "decent." Doesn't ask me how I'm doing or continue the conversation. 5 PM passes. 6 PM passes. 7 PM passes. No message from him, I feel crushed, start crying, realizing he's stood me up. My friends see I'm upset and insist I go out to dinner with them. I do and at like 7:30 he messages me "wanna get dinner then?" I told him I was out because I didn't think he wanted to go. He replies "right." I then start panicking and apologizing and telling him we could do something. He tells me to relax and that he can see me later tonight.

This is when things got bad. I went to see him at a chill party get together thing that night and he ended up ignoring me. I felt very nervous when I got there and was kinda clinging to him but then I started talking to these other girls. He seemed upset by this so I tried talking to him but he was looking away from me and ignoring me and eventually just started talking to another girl. I left the party at this point. He didn't follow me out or text me. No contact between either of us for an entire week.

So by now I've figured that he's done with me so I want to give myself closure. I send him this message:

Okay so since we're not 12 year olds I'm not just going to ghost on you and pretend nothing happened. I can recognize that it was rude of me to not follow through our plans but I was tired of just waiting around hoping you'd message me, it felt pathetic. And sorry but nothing excuses you inviting me to something, which I came alone to just to see you, and then ignoring me while I was there. That was humiliating. It's frustrating to me that I spent like 12 hours taking care of your drunk self, and then following week, well yeah that happened. Regardless I still appreciate the time we spent together last semester and I'm not angry.

He reads it and doesn't reply and I feel absolutely crushed. How could he just ignore something that emotional? I now realize he may have seen it as a break up text but idk. I got so upset that I unfriended him on Facebook, deciding he wanted nothing to do with me. Two days later, monday night, he texts me this:

Lol tried to reply on fb, oh well I'll say it anyway...Yeah sorry about that, I really am grateful for the other week which is why I wanted to take you out, but you were acting strange on saturday so I thought you didn't want to talk to me, didn't realize you were upset. Sorry for that.

I reply a few hours later:

Okay so I understand where you're coming from and I'm also sorry. What I did concerning fb was petty but I just got upset you didn't reply to my message. I really don't want to spend any more time dissecting the situation so if you're okay then it'd be cool to hang out with this weekend.

Never got a response. Two days later my school had a snow day and I was kinda drunk and messaged him: Hey lol idk if u have a snow day rn but I'm pretty and was wondering if you wanna chill at your place.

Never got a response. Haven't heard from him since. It's been over a month. Still think I shouldn't reach out? Idk....

March 13, 2017

No, don't reach out again. You asked him to meet, he flat-out ignored you. I'm not sure what you more you want to say or need to hear - his silence says everything.

If he'd wanted to meet or end things on a better note, you'd have heard from him by now.

March 13, 2017

People. Listen.

In order to have a relationship you BOTH have to want it. Not just one of you. You are wanting a real relationship with this dude. He couldnt care less one way or the other. You are letting him stomp over you and coming back for more. Believe me, if he was interested in you, you would know it. You wouldnt have to keep chasing him and sending him texts that he doesnt care at all about.

Stop contacting him, and find someone you can have a relationship with. This dude is a dead end street.

March 13, 2017

You were in a FWB situation and became emotionally attached. Sounds like your feelings grew and his didn't. You became emotional and so he has gone silent. If he was interested in more than a hook up and casual date buddy, he wouldn't be ghosting, he'd be showing that interest. He's not. He does not want what you want. You think there was something there that was on your side, but not his. Do not contact him again and if he tries to contact you ignore, block, whatever you have to do to get your self respect back. You can't handle a FWB situation because you let emotions get involved. You can't just 'hang out" and be casual any more. Be honest to yourself.

March 13, 2017

You were a FWB and that's it. Sorry. You were never going to be anything else and never will be with this guy. He'll keep stringing you along because he knows you're easy and he'll just keep using you for sex as long as you're giving it. Trust me. I've been that guy, and I guarantee he will never respect you or want you or see you as a potential partner.

Don't have sex with men so freely. Their respect for you will plummet and you won't get what you want from the men you actually like, which is respect and commitment. You're young so forget about relationships, you just want to sleep around and that's fine. But realize that's all you're going to get.

I don't mean to be harsh but that's reality.

March 14, 2017

What do you mean by this? I didn't say anything mean to him. I just told him that I felt like he wasn't interested anymore and that he wasn't showing me any affection.

I mean that that was the target and you hit his bullseye. It didn't have to be mean for it to hit its target. Sometimes, being direct and calling out the obvious is enough for someone who is confrontational-avoidant to bolt.

His behavior, since you've said this, has agreed with the above. Yes, he isn't interested anymore and yes, he's not showing you any affection. You peeped his game. If this wasn't the case, he'd have denied he felt that way and his behavior would have buttressed his really wanting something more with you. It hasn't panned out that way.

This doesn't make either of you wrong: it just makes you both wrong for each other because you're not looking for the same thing, no matter what he told you in the beginning. His feelings changed somewhere along the way.

March 15, 2017

I mean that that was the target and you hit his bullseye. It didn't have to be mean for it to hit its target. Sometimes, being direct and calling out the obvious is enough for someone who is confrontational-avoidant to bolt.

His behavior, since you've said this, has agreed with the above. Yes, he isn't interested anymore and yes, he's not showing you any affection. You peeped his game. If this wasn't the case, he'd have denied he felt that way and his behavior would have buttressed his really wanting something more with you. It hasn't panned out that way.

This doesn't make either of you wrong: it just makes you both wrong for each other because you're not looking for the same thing, no matter what he told you in the beginning. His feelings changed somewhere along the way.

You don't find it wrong for him to completely ghost on me? I mean, after spending every weekend with each other for three months you'd think he'd at least have the decency to reply to my texts and tell me that he didn't feel like it was working out. You don't find that immature?

March 15, 2017

You don't find it wrong for him to completely ghost on me? I mean, after spending every weekend with each other for three months you'd think he'd at least have the decency to reply to my texts and tell me that he didn't feel like it was working out. You don't find that immature?

To be honest it's becoming somewhat normal. People take the cowards way out now when they no longer want to be bothered with you and it's called ghosting.

March 15, 2017

You don't find it wrong for him to completely ghost on me? I mean, after spending every weekend with each other for three months you'd think he'd at least have the decency to reply to my texts and tell me that he didn't feel like it was working out. You don't find that immature?

OP, you were fbuddies. Granted it would be the decent thing to do for people to acknowledge one another but your expectations need to be tucked away. Yes, you spent every weekend having sex. That was about it. There was nothing to work out. He knew you were getting emotional and decided to step away. It's actually a good thing that he's ignoring you. It gives you a chance to move on.

March 16, 2017

OP, you were fbuddies. Granted it would be the decent thing to do for people to acknowledge one another but your expectations need to be tucked away. Yes, you spent every weekend having sex. That was about it. There was nothing to work out. He knew you were getting emotional and decided to step away. It's actually a good thing that he's ignoring you. It gives you a chance to move on.

We didn't spend every weekend just having sex...in fact it took us a while to even have sex. He would bring me to parties and we watched the election together and I knew all of his friends and would hang out with him and his roommates. We texted each other happy new years and merry christmas and would make sure to text at least every other day. This wasn't the sort of thing where he would just message me on friday saying hey come over. Like there were emotions involved.

March 16, 2017

Like there were emotions involved.

Yes. Your emotions! Not his.

I agree with others. You were convenient, easy, and tolerated any old behavior from him. Once you developed feelings, started having expectations, making demands that he not ignore you when it suited him, and started seeing this as something more than a casual fling (i.e. FBs), he bolted out the door.

It's over. Let it go. Don't contact him again.

March 16, 2017

We didn't spend every weekend just having sex...in fact it took us a while to even have sex. He would bring me to parties and we watched the election together and I knew all of his friends and would hang out with him and his roommates. We texted each other happy new years and merry christmas and would make sure to text at least every other day. This wasn't the sort of thing where he would just message me on friday saying hey come over. Like there were emotions involved.

For you, yes. Unfortunately, not for him.

I agree it was pretty rude to ghost you. But it also indicates that you two viewed this arrangement in very different ways, and that you don't want the same things. He doesn't feel the emotional attachment to you the same way you did with him.

Based on your description above, it's evident you saw this more like a casual dating situation. He didn't apply the same meaning to it, or he'd still be in contact. He saw that you wanted more and he took the coward's way out by ignoring you instead of being honest that he doesn't feel the same way about you.

I'm a woman, but I once had a FWB with a guy who was a pretty decent man. We hung out with his friends sometimes too, and texted with regularity as well. But for me, it really wasn't more than that. I enjoyed his company but didn't see him as boyfriend material. We were most certainly not a couple, and he knew that. When I met a man that I wanted to date, I had to be honest with my FWB that I wouldn't be seeing him anymore. He was okay with it, but that was the end of everything. It seems to me that your FWB was probably in the same head-space I was. It was fun, we had a good time, but there wasn't a commitment. My FWB tried too to contact me a couple times after to see if I wanted to get together. I didn't reply either, as I had already told him it wasn't going to happen anymore.

Again, let his silence speak for him. Getting in contact isn't a good idea.

March 16, 2017

Didyouknow,

Stop dissecting this, learn from it and move on.

Make it a Golden Rule in future never to make contact with anyone who has directly (or even indirectly) rejected you.

All it does it make you look desperate and needy, and won't work. Let's face it, if they were interested then they'd be doing something about it!

Good luck x

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Things ended badly and emotionally [UPDATE: depression, or am I just not over him?]

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