WhenLoveHurts Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 I am in need of advice, or anything. I am here out of desperation for my emotional well being and for the sake of my relationship. I am a women with another women. We have been together for almost a year, and I am completely head over heels about her, as she is with me too. I am treated right and she is the most kindest person I have ever met. She is very open and honest, she talks too much and likes to tell me everything. This is my issue. She has told me too much about her history, of being with many other people only recently before she met me. About taking a high amount of cocaine also. I haven't been a angel myself, admittngly but I have only had 3 including her for the last 6 years. I found out I had chlamydia after getting symptoms. I told her and she started to go through all the string of lovers, what they did, sexual details, even decided to show me pictures of some of them. It's clear she doesn't think it's her and she thinks it's me. But she also went into detail about taking a lot of cocaine back then, how she was sexually abused by people and took advantage of. Ever since then I've been having mental images of it all happening. She went into so much detail I feel like I was there myself. I care so much about her and the thought of her being taken advantage of whilst under the influence is haunting me. I get pop up thoughts that I'm finding difficult to control. The worse thing is some of these people still harass her, whilst knowing she's with me. I did tell her I thought her going into detail like that wasn't appropriate and I'd never do that to her. She was really sorry and promised she'd never do anything like that again. I know she loves me, believe me I know that. And I understand she's just very open and likes to talk a lot. However it is destroying my mental health and I feel as though I need to end my amazing relationship because I can't deal with the pop up thoughts. I also worry because she is easily influenced, she will do cocaine again, as she did once at the beginning of our relationship. To top it off, some of her family members don't take our relationship seriously because of her history. Even thought she tells me and them that she has never been so serious about someone. Does anyone have any advice to stop my horrific thoughts because they are making me ill and my girlfriend struggles to understand my mood swings! I love her and I want us to be happy together
Telemachus Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 What horror is it? She lived it, and survived to tell you about it. If the events didn't traumatize her, why should the thoughts traumatize you. We all get disgusted by things. I'd have a difficult time watching a surgery. Some news accounts about child abuse bother me long after I've heard them. However, I can separate my own memories and imagined mental embellishments from current reality. You need to also. If you can't, then the head-over-heels thing to do for the benefit of this woman would be to move on and leave her alone. Don't inflict living with the manifestations of your declining mental health and growing sense of madness harm her current reality, if that can be avoided. You can avoid it, because you know the source of your growing mental instability and illness. 2
salparadise Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 However it is destroying my mental health and I feel as though I need to end my amazing relationship because I can't deal with the pop up thoughts. I also worry because she is easily influenced, she will do cocaine again, as she did once at the beginning of our relationship. There are no perfect relationships, no perfect people. If you're lucky enough to find someone who loves you deeply and is committed, don't throw that away because of imaginary things. Look at the big picture and figure out if this person overall is who you want to spend your life with, and only use details to inform the larger decision. If you're scared of love, wanting to run away, and looking for an excuse to cut a loving person out of your life... there will be plenty of grievances that you an use as a pretext. Love is the greatest gift life has to offer. Never toss it away just because you're feeling a bit anxious. 2
Author WhenLoveHurts Posted March 11, 2017 Author Posted March 11, 2017 I don't want to throw it away. It would destroy her. And me also. I'm trying to look for help to try control the thoughts. Im afraid she will take drugs again (because it wasnt long ago she did) and something bad will happen to her or she will do something. The harassment from people and certain people thinking our relationship isn't serious because of her past is angering both of us. She was traumatised by the abusive story. And brave of her to open up about it. And I felt so hurt for her, because I have been abused myself. which is why I'm getting the thoughts. The other things she told me was not appropriate. Exs stay in the past Imo. I don't want to hear about or see these people and what they did sexually just to prove she didn't give me chlamydia. I just need someone to talk to about it, maybe relate? Because I feel crazy
Sunlight72 Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 First, you're not crazy. You sound like a loving, compassionate person. Second, I directly disagree with the sentiment of the other posts here. Most of these things did not 'happen' to her. She chose to do them. You don't go into a lot of detail (and that is fine), but my impression from her abusive situation is that she chose to be in a risky place and do risky things with risky people. She wanted to do that, and she did. It sounds like many times she chose that again and again. It was not an accident. This is what you are having a problem with - you would not choose to do those kind of things, trust those kind of people. Many times over. Her recent past was not a different person, it was her. The same her you know, enjoy parts of, and are attracted to. It is another side of her, but it is her. As you say, she has used cocaine since being with you. She wanted to, and she did. You are worried she will do it again - that is actually clear-minded of you, because she probably will (from what you have described). She loves parts of who you are also, I am sure that is true and real. The rest of the truth is that in addition to you, she also loves excitement, uncertainty, and adventure including cocaine at least, and many partners. That is why she told you the details - she is being honest with you about who she is. Listen to her. Don't cover your ears and leave the room like a child. It won't change who she is. I'm sorry it hurts, but the good news is that she is being honest with you. The bad news is that you are asking her to change and to hide herself from you. That does not build a trusting relationship. You can choose to stay or leave, but if you stay and you honestly want this relationship to be loving and mutual, you must happily accept who she really is. I speak from the experience and pain of lying about, and asking my partners to lie about, who they really are to make them fit the image of who I want to be with. It hurts you now, but if you stay with this same perspective, it is going to hurt a lot more before you are done. I cannot describe how much it will hurt and how much more crazy and depressed you will feel, but it will be bad. The right thing to do is accept and love her, OR gracefully let her be. Best wishes, Sunlight 2
preraph Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Her problem isn't so much high numbers but the fact that she has no boundaries or concept of "too much information." I'm not sure I can explain it, but how I am reading her is this. She has no boundaries, so she's quick to get all intimate and it seems like love, and maybe it is love, but it's the "quick burn" type that burns out because -- back to boundaries - having no boundaries makes her impulsive and vulnerable to just keep leaping around and getting involved. See, it's real easy for her to get in deep. This can be overwhelming and intoxicating, but in my opinion, this love probably does not have a solid foundation. She is going to let people in even when she thinks she's being exclusive and then make mistakes to mess up the relationship. I hope I'm wrong. I do not judge her for number of partners, but her lack of insight and boundaries is a bit alarming. 2
Author WhenLoveHurts Posted March 11, 2017 Author Posted March 11, 2017 (edited) Sunlight - Thank you for your reply. Very true she did choose to do those things. And she does regret everything she has done. She says it makes her feel sick, and she's very sorry we have to deal with the luggage of her past. I understand she broke up from a bad relationship and for a year went off the rails until she met me. But had one slip up with the coke. Which she hasn't done since. I don't do these things or trust certain people because I done it when I was a teen. My older lady unfortunately is learning this all this as a adult. I trust her because she is so open and honest though. She has told me she never felt this way and would do anything for me. She admitted she would probably be a coke head if it wasn't for me. And I do, see a trustworthy person in her. I do see her doing better than what she said she was. I'm worried I'll make her go crazy again because I'm unstable right now. I love her. And she probably wouldn't be who she is today if it wasn't for everything she'd been through. None of it can be undone and we both need to let it go. I just need help with my imagination. We both need to accept fully, and move on together, I know this. I'm trying. Preraph - I understand why you're alarmed because I was when she told me! And you kind of hit the nail on the head with thinking she may have no boundaries because of her recent past. And not having a filter on tmi..I think that's why I've worried. Just incase (Because we all get insecure, right?) but I know deep down, she'd never intentionally hurt me. I could make a huge list of how she has proved her love for me. I'm just scared because she has been very vulnerable and easily influenced. I hope I can push these thoughts out with the fact that she's hopefully finally learnt her lessons, and how she's proved her love. I haven't demanded anything off her, just adviced her about not making these mistakes again. Because if she was sexually assaulted, or too coked up to realise what she was doing again, it would destroy me. And I know it would her too. And that's why I fear so much and get thoughts I think. Edited March 11, 2017 by WhenLoveHurts 1
preraph Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Preraph - I understand why you're alarmed because I was when she told me! And you kind of hit the nail on the head with thinking she may have no boundaries because of her recent past. And not having a filter on tmi..I think that's why I've worried. Just incase (Because we all get insecure, right?) but I know deep down, she'd never intentionally hurt me. I could make a huge list of how she has proved her love for me. I'm just scared because she has been very vulnerable and easily influenced. I hope I can push these thoughts out with the fact that she's hopefully finally learnt her lessons, and how she's proved her love. I haven't demanded anything off her, just adviced her about not making these mistakes again. Because if she was sexually assaulted, or too coked up to realise what she was doing again, it would destroy me. And I know it would her too. And that's why I fear so much and get thoughts I think. The problem is she doesn't have to tools to not hurt you. These types don't set out to hurt anyone, but they're too impulsive and without boundaries to stop themselves from doing it and then they somehow manage to make YOU feel guilty for being mad at them. So just beware. 2
Author WhenLoveHurts Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 The problem is she doesn't have to tools to not hurt you. These types don't set out to hurt anyone, but they're too impulsive and without boundaries to stop themselves from doing it and then they somehow manage to make YOU feel guilty for being mad at them. So just beware. I get what you mean by this. Thank you. Example - the time she done took drugs in our relationship - phoned me up in the morning crying and screaming asking for help. I had nothing to say really, it made me feel cold. All I said was I have no sympathy because you done this to yourself. Later she was really sorry about it all, said she phoned her sister instead to comfort her. Then I apologised for not being there for her. I didn't realise this until your insight. How love can blind you...
act00 Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 On past relationships - without any other problems you described, it might be worth some counselling to help work through this jealousy and learn coping tools. Whether you stay with her or find another partner, they come with pasts, and you can't allow those pasts to dominate your thoughts. You have a past too, and you wouldn't want a relationship derailed because of it, whether you did something stupid or you had great sex or fell in love. I agree with the boundary issue. It's one thing to have a past and be honest about it, another thing entirely to go into all the tiny little details. She has no filter. I would say that when she (any partner) starts in on the details, you need to ask her, tell her, "Please, I don't need all the details." I had a guy do the same thing, and I did shut him down. He seriously wanted to go into every detail and then whip out the photo album. "Thanks, I know you had sex, I don't need a play-by-play with pictures." I know when I was younger, past relationships really bothered me. It shouldn't be a big deal. When they talk about them constantly, making you feel second fiddle, that's when it becomes problematic. You are working with a different can o' worms than just "a past," but this is an area you can work on, including asking them to stop when we're hitting TMI, and also when you, yourself don't feel every detail is relevant about your own past. Her problem isn't so much high numbers but the fact that she has no boundaries or concept of "too much information." I'm not sure I can explain it, but how I am reading her is this. She has no boundaries, so she's quick to get all intimate and it seems like love, and maybe it is love, but it's the "quick burn" type that burns out because -- back to boundaries - having no boundaries makes her impulsive and vulnerable to just keep leaping around and getting involved. See, it's real easy for her to get in deep. This can be overwhelming and intoxicating, but in my opinion, this love probably does not have a solid foundation. She is going to let people in even when she thinks she's being exclusive and then make mistakes to mess up the relationship. I hope I'm wrong. I do not judge her for number of partners, but her lack of insight and boundaries is a bit alarming. There are other issues here like drug use, and I agree with the above, this woman seems to not have boundaries or a self-stop that most people learn. She is impulsive, and without filters or boundaries, and with the fun and excitement, she could find herself in precarious situations, and it's not like she means to intentionally set out to do these things, but without that "off button," she just won't be able to put a stop when other people would, or recognize when things are going just a bit too far. This could leave your relationship rocky at best. One would hope she learns these "stops." Some people just don't. I really can't offer advice on how to proceed, but I would question, if there has been this much turmoil in just under a year, is this really something worth continuing?
Author WhenLoveHurts Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 Do you think we should have conselling together? Or me separately? I have tried to be honest about my concerns. But I've been worried I'm crazy for thinking them. She does reassure me, and I believe her because even without too much demand, (she tells me to be more bossy with her!) she is making a change, that I can see with her actions. She tells me she's too old and has been to hurt to play any games. She wants to build a future and settle down with me. I get scared because I can see this occasional impulsive side within her. And a very vulnerable one, who would rather hide from the world, to just stop herself from being this way. I want her to be free, but sensible in life. We both live in the past. Difference is I've learnt my lessons, whilst she is still trying. And to be fair, has done well. Me coming into her life had made her want to grow up and change. Not because I've made her, because she has a pride where she wants to be the one to look after me, make me happy. Our relationship is worth continuing because we do actually make each other happy. It's not all rainbows and flowers all the time, but when it is, it's amazing and real. She just has some issues that I hope I can help her fix. As she was not this way, until something bad happened to her before she met me. No relationship is perfect. But there is no violence, lying or infidelity in our relationship. So it is worth fighting for. I can't imagine being with anyone else, and I know she couldn't either. Sorry I go on and on! I just care a lot about my relationship
smackie9 Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 Sorry to say this but someone who is prone to recklessness, and only can survive by being in a relationship with someone who feels they are responsibly to keep them safe and FIX THEM, is what we call codependency. You both are in this together for the wrong reasons, but can't see it because you are infatuated with each other. Once things hit the ****ter, she will just go back down that slippery slope of self destruction, leaving you wracked with guilt sending you into a tailspin of depression and despair. You are warned.
Author WhenLoveHurts Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 Well, this is everything that I worry about...But I won't leave. I can't leave her.
act00 Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 Do you think we should have conselling together? Or me separately? I have tried to be honest about my concerns. But I've been worried I'm crazy for thinking them. She does reassure me, and I believe her because even without too much demand, (she tells me to be more bossy with her!) she is making a change, that I can see with her actions. She tells me she's too old and has been to hurt to play any games. She wants to build a future and settle down with me. I get scared because I can see this occasional impulsive side within her. And a very vulnerable one, who would rather hide from the world, to just stop herself from being this way. I want her to be free, but sensible in life. We both live in the past. Difference is I've learnt my lessons, whilst she is still trying. And to be fair, has done well. Me coming into her life had made her want to grow up and change. Not because I've made her, because she has a pride where she wants to be the one to look after me, make me happy. Our relationship is worth continuing because we do actually make each other happy. It's not all rainbows and flowers all the time, but when it is, it's amazing and real. She just has some issues that I hope I can help her fix. As she was not this way, until something bad happened to her before she met me. No relationship is perfect. But there is no violence, lying or infidelity in our relationship. So it is worth fighting for. I can't imagine being with anyone else, and I know she couldn't either. Sorry I go on and on! I just care a lot about my relationship My main thought is you seeking counselling for yourself (anything above and beyond that is great). The information she shared with you has been a tough pill to swallow, in addition to some behaviors that scare you, and you are obviously struggling. It might help to hash it out with someone who is not emotionally invested and help you gain some perspective and coping skills. It doesn't hurt to hash out your anger, hurt, and emotions with someone outside of your girlfriend, who you don't want to hurt. As you are well aware, things you say can STICK, and you can't un-ring a bell. Everyone has a past, and granted, your girlfriend has overshared, but it's not healthy to obsess about your SO's past relationships, and you certainly need some skills to shut down TMI when boundaries are getting crossed.
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