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Husband's ex posted tacky reference to me on Facebook

Shepherdm1983

By Shepherdm1983
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Shepherdm1983 New Member

Shepherdm1983

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I've been with my husband for 15 years. When we first got together, he was best friends with his ex. At first, I was a very possessive girlfriend; I demanded things from him, some of which I regret now. Basically, I wanted him to stop talking to her, along with several others (some of whom were quite justifiable). Many of his friends don't like me. I would sometimes find out he'd been chatting with his ex behind my back and I'd flip. Anyway, that was years ago, and now we're married with a family, and I've become much more trusting.

 

Today, his ex tried to tag him in a mutual friend's silly post, and then she said "Oh, I can't, we're not 'allowed' to be friends LOL" so she had the mutual friend tag him. My husband joined in the conversation very briefly and laughed at whatever she was talking about in the post. I kind of want to say to my husband "that's your wife she's joking about, and you don't even have the decency to speak up to her about me?"

 

I am just bothered by how she talks like she knows me (I've met her ONCE when we first started dating). I just think it's very odd and tacky, and unnecessary after all these years for her to say that out of nowhere, over some ridiculous post, when I thought we'd all grown up a little since then. I don't want to involve myself, but at the same time, I'm kind of tempted to say something back. What's your take on this situation? What would you do? Thanks.

NTV Established Member

NTV

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I'd be silent and observe. A kid that gets away with stealing a cookie is that much more likely to steal another.

 

And you were right to cut her off. Actually he should have had the initiative to do it himself.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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You should be more worried about your husband's behavior than hers. If you say something it will just snowball. Just get him in order.

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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You should be more worried about your husband's behavior than hers. If you say something it will just snowball. Just get him in order.

 

Exactly. You can't have a true relationship with an X in it. You were right in your thinking

  • Like 1
somanymistakes Established Member

somanymistakes

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Her reaction sounds understandable from her viewpoint, if she still remembers you being controlling and posssessive and that's most of what she knows about you. She's still being rude, but it doesn't mean she's scheming against you.

 

It's a tacky of her to say it where your husband would see it, and it may be disrespectful for your husband to laugh at it and just brush it off. But I don't see any reason to waste your energy being mad at her about it, and snapping at her about it will do nothing but confirm to her mind that you're the bad one.

 

Rambling anecdote: I have a male acquaintance who has been married for ten years. We were never very close and we certainly never dated but we used to have friends in common. When he got together with his wife, he largely stopped hanging out with all his friends, or did so only for short amounts of time, because he could not be away from home for more than thirty minutes without her constantly calling him to see where he was. I went to their wedding. I don't really know her, I've never had a conversation with her. Do I still to this day have a negative opinion of her? Yup. I wouldn't post it on facebook, though, that would be just stirring ****. I wouldn't even say it to him because she's his wife and obviously he loves her.

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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I had to cut my wife off from a number of ex's and at least one GF- but for major (cheating/affair/lies) reasons.

 

If you had reasons - you had reasons. He had a choice to accept or not accept your wishes back then when you started getting serious - he accepted it. Dont blame yourself.

 

No one should let someone speak (in front of others) disrespectfully of their spouse. You husband should have addressed it in my view.

 

I also don't think in general spouses should be friends with sexual ex's - unless its a very good reason.

 

 

I do agree with an other poster - might be interesting to say nothing and see how far he pushes the boundaries.

Edited by dichotomy
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FoundMyStrength Established Member

FoundMyStrength

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I disagree with some of the other comments. I'm close friends with two long-term ex'es, and we've all managed to make things work with a minimum of jealousy or snarkiness. It can happen.

 

But everyone has to be clear about the boundaries, and resolve issues as they come up. If you really have changed your perspective on this ex-wife, then talk to your husband about what happened. Be honest, own up to how you initially treated her, show that you understand that (for whatever reason) it's important for him to have this person as a friend, and then express your concern about her mocking you online. Ask him to have a conversation with her about it.

 

I dunno, that's the only way I managed to stay friends with ex'es who've gone on to other girlfriends and partners. There were times I was told to reset a boundary, times I asked for a boundary to be reset, and times when my current partners asked me to change up my behavior. It just requires honesty and communication and trust.

BTDT2012 Established Member

BTDT2012

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I think it would be silly for him to make a stink about it on social media. And he can't very well address it in a private conversation either.

FoundMyStrength Established Member

FoundMyStrength

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I think it would be silly for him to make a stink about it on social media. And he can't very well address it in a private conversation either.

 

I think he could address it privately. It's his ex wife. All he would have to say is, I appreciate having you as a friend and want to keep it that way, but you need to show my wife some respect. She's gotten over the issues we had years ago, so no more snarky jokes about her online. Trick is, he has to be willing to back it up, and stop being friends if she keeps sh*t-talking OP. And if he isn't, then OP's got bigger problems than a snarky joke. She has a husband who doesn't respect her enough to stand up for her.

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camillalev Established Member

camillalev

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He didn't defend you at all? Who cares what some girl thinks - it's your husbands reaction that matters. And instead of saying something about it, he laughed along with her. Seems very disrespectful.

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GoldSparkz Established Member

GoldSparkz

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First and foremost, your husband should be defending you when in public...even if you've said or done something that he doesn't agree with. Him sharing snarky comments about you with is ex of all people is a sign of disrespect and I wouldn't put up with it. You need to tell him how it makes you feel and that if he can't talk respectfully about you to others then it questions the validity of the relationship.

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aileD Established Member

aileD

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Do they have kids together?

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

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I am just bothered by how she talks like she knows me (I've met her ONCE when we first started dating). I just think it's very odd and tacky, and unnecessary after all these years for her to say that out of nowhere, over some ridiculous post, when I thought we'd all grown up a little since then. I don't want to involve myself, but at the same time, I'm kind of tempted to say something back. What's your take on this situation? What would you do? Thanks.

 

I learned back in high school getting involved in this kind of back-and-forth only lends it substance. Stay above it, let it go...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Poutrew Established Member

Poutrew

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I don't see anything wrong with what she said. It was the truth. You wont allow him to be friends with her. You may be a different person today, but the person she is referring to is the 'old' you...The only part I'd say was unjustified and a bit tacky was the 'LOL' part.

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Got it Established Member

Got it

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If you are chewing on it you can bring it up to your husband as to why she said something now? I would suspect you "not allowing" him has been said more recently than when you are referencing. But I don't know if I would get heated over it, you are investing too much energy into someone that warrants how much attention in your life?

 

And I to the other posters, one can be friends with their ex, I am friends with mine, as well as with each other's spouses. But we are transparent, stick to topics of kids and world events, and do not discuss deeper things and definitely do not discuss issues with spouses, etc.

 

My husband is friends with a guy that I do not like, was polite to him when I worked with him but now that we don't I have no reason to be anything, think he is a bad person and not a good friend either to my husband. I have voiced my opinion and said I wouldn't be friends with someone like that but I wouldn't make him stop being friends. I don't care to talk about said guy or have calls around me - he is nonexistent in my world. But it is his decision to choose to have someone like this in his world.

  • Like 1
aileD Established Member

aileD

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It was "odd and tacky" of YOU to act the way you did towards her back then. Just because YOU now feel YOU have grown, doesn't mean that she should just be all nice and happy with you.

 

Look in a mirror. Did you ever apologize to her for acting that way? Did you ever have conversation? Why should she think anything is different? Beside you grew up inside? "Lol"

 

Your husband is just human. He doesn't need to defend you. Against what? The truth? You want your husband to say ....what? "Yeah you're right but don't post it for everyone to see!" Please. Your husband just ignored the comment and made an innocent reply to the post. Good for him for not getting caught up in the drama.

 

Now if she had said derogatory stuff directed at you or lied about something untrue then hell Yeah. If your husband saw it he should say something.

 

But you know, you chose to act a certain way back then and now you deal with the consequences of your choice. If YOU aren't doing anything to make amends for YOUR childish treatment of her in the past then you have to right to be upset about this silly but truthful comment.

Edited by aileD
camillalev Established Member

camillalev

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It was "odd and tacky" of YOU to act the way you did towards her back then. Just because YOU now feel YOU have grown, doesn't mean that she should just be all nice and happy with you.

 

Look in a mirror. Did you ever apologize to her for acting that way? Did you ever have conversation? Why should she think anything is different? Beside you grew up inside? "Lol"

 

Your husband is just human. He doesn't need to defend you. Against what? The truth? You want your husband to say ....what? "Yeah you're right but don't post it for everyone to see!" Please. Your husband just ignored the comment and made an innocent reply to the post. Good for him for not getting caught up in the drama.

 

Now if she had said derogatory stuff directed at you or lied about something untrue then hell Yeah. If your husband saw it he should say something.

 

But you know, you chose to act a certain way back then and now you deal with the consequences of your choice. If YOU aren't doing anything to make amends for YOUR childish treatment of her in the past then you have to right to be upset about this silly but truthful comment.

 

Uh.. Actually yes, he does need to defend her, his wife. He's not 'just some human' he's her husband. The comment she made was written in a mocking manner and as her husband he should have her back, not laugh along with her.

camillalev Established Member

camillalev

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I don't see anything wrong with what she said. It was the truth. You wont allow him to be friends with her. You may be a different person today, but the person she is referring to is the 'old' you...The only part I'd say was unjustified and a bit tacky was the 'LOL' part.

 

There is nothing initially 'wrong' with saying 'yeah, me and my ex are no longer friends, he has a new gf' that is perfectly reasonable, and a perfectly reasonable thing to say between friends during conversation.

Making a public comment on facebook, airing out her dirty laundry, writing the 'LOL'(she was mocking OP) then getting someone else to tag her husband on fb, is very childish behavior. It is not this girls business what OP's husband sees on facebook. What was the point of the comment she made in the first place? It was purely to be publicly snarky. There's nothing about what she wrote and how she went about it that is maturely handled.

MrInternational Member

MrInternational

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Maybe he's trying to avoid a Facebook war.

  • Like 1
camillalev Established Member

camillalev

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Maybe he's trying to avoid a Facebook war.

 

I agree, could be. The best course of action would have been to ignore the girls comment altogether. She was being immature. It's too bad he had a positive response to her at all, it reads like he was ok with his ex being snarky towards his wife in such an obvious and public way.

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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I understand her reaction.

 

You were controlling. I don't think a bf/gf/wife/husband should forbid anyone to speak to anyone. The most they can do is express their hurt feelings and it's up to their SO to decide to stop contact.

 

If his friends didn't like you, it's for a good reason. Now you want to control his reactions on FB too? :lmao:

aileD Established Member

aileD

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Uh.. Actually yes, he does need to defend her, his wife. He's not 'just some human' he's her husband. The comment she made was written in a mocking manner and as her husband he should have her back, not laugh along with her.

 

And this isn't high school. It was said by someone who means nothing to their marriage. It was a snarky but TRUE comment and he let it go. So should she. She's claiming to be all growed up now so let's act like it. This person is nothing in her marriage. Who cares. Sometimes if you engage someone like that, it just makes things worse.

 

Count your friggin blessings if this is the only problem on your marriage

Edited by aileD
aileD Established Member

aileD

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Today, his ex tried to tag him in a mutual friend's silly post, and then she said "Oh, I can't, we're not 'allowed' to be friends LOL" so she had the mutual friend tag him. My husband joined in the conversation very briefly and laughed at whatever she was talking about in the post.

 

To me it sounds like he was laughing at the silly post the friend posted, NOT the comment about his wife.

camillalev Established Member

camillalev

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To me it sounds like he was laughing at the silly post the friend posted, NOT the comment about his wife.

 

Personally, if someone was disrespectful to by SO/husband then made a joke, I wouldn't laugh along with them and pretend like that was ok.

 

It may have been true, who cares, it doesnt warrent such immature behavior. They are married now and this girl is an ex, she's a nobody. This girl tagging(oh sorry, getting her friend to tag, sounds like high school behavior to me) OPs husband and being publicly disrespectful/snarky towards his wife. He should have not engaged this person(ie, making it seem like her comments are ok) and indulged her passive aggressiveness at all. He should have seen her comment and not responded.

 

With my good male friends, I know if i made a similar snarky comment towards their SOs/life partners and made a joke, they wouldnt have laughed at all, because they respect their girlfiends/wives and wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior.

 

No one should let someone speak (in front of others) disrespectfully of their spouse.

 

^Exactly

Edited by camillalev
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