LostUnhappyGuy Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 (edited) Dear all, First post here...it is hard for me to find someone who I can discuss this with. Your advise/suggestion is much appreciated! Sorry for the long post. I am 32 (M), I met this girl at my previous company several years ago. I developed a crush on her, but I never acted on anything because she was in a relationship. Nevertheless, we got along OK and I guess she looked at me as a potential friend? So before I left that company we exchanged numbers but rarely talked to each other. Fast forward to last year, I moved to a new city to start a new career. Few months later, I noticed that she also moved here to work. I reached out and we started to hang out more. The thing is, she is STILL in that relationship. They've been dating for 7 years. Since she moved away from home, they are doing LDR. Anyway, for me, I did not think too much and just wanted to have someone to hang out with, a friend to talk to. We went out quite often, hikes, bars, explore different places, you name it. After a while I found myself having feelings for her. Sometimes I wonder, why is she spending so much time with me? Do you hang out with a normal friend that much? I know she has a BF, so 6 months ago, I decided to pull away and become a little distant. I never asked her to hang out anymore. I would only go out if she asks. I never showed any interest by the way. So I think our friendship is not as strong as before by me being more distant. During this 6 months, I literally think about her everyday. It sucks. So many times I just want to tell her how I feel, and just let her know, and so that she can reject me and keep my head straight. But I have not pulled such trigger. We still talk here and there, because I value this friendship. I thought of completely cutting it off without letting her know anything but that's just mean right? We were pretty good friends, and all of the sudden I just disappear? This is one of those weird situations where although I don't hang out with her, I constantly think about her. People say time will cure everything, why can't I get her out of my mind? I am a confident, fit, and financially secured man, and I do not have difficulty attracting women. But I find myself completely lost in this situation. I do not find any other women interesting. All I think about is her, yet I cannot say anything or act on anything. I don't want to be one of those guys who do not respect other people's relationships. But damn, this is soooo hard. Anyone who had similar experience? How did you deal with it? Thanks very much! Edited March 11, 2017 by LostUnhappyGuy
goldway90 Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 You cannot be friends with someone who have feeling for, IMPOSSIBLE. You need to start meeting other women that's the only way to move on from this girl. 2
smackie9 Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 I think you should be honest with her before you part ways.....simply tell her since she is in a relationship and you have developed feelings for her that the right thing to do is to part ways....can't be friends anymore. Then that will be closure for you so you can be attracted to other women. 5
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Yeah. Friendship is not in the picture right now. Time AND a new, healthy relationship is what you need to move on. BTW, you wondered why she spent so much time with you? Well, she was lonely and you were someone familiar in a new town. It sounds like that was part of your reason to be with her initially as you do not mention a relationship or other friends you've made. Just someone to hang out with. Also, your strong feelings may have to do with the fact that she is taken. Common, though peculiar feeling that many people have. You've romanticized her and placed her on a pedestal to be won. It sounds like she's faithful, decent human being and isn't easily swayed. Yup, with your romantic interests you will become an unnecessary distraction, so leave her alone. 1
Author LostUnhappyGuy Posted March 11, 2017 Author Posted March 11, 2017 I think you should be honest with her before you part ways.....simply tell her since she is in a relationship and you have developed feelings for her that the right thing to do is to part ways....can't be friends anymore. Then that will be closure for you so you can be attracted to other women. Thanks, this is a route that I thought of doing many times. But I am afraid this will end the friendship forever that's why I never pulled the trigger. Maybe this is really the right thing to do. How would you react if one of your guy friend told you this?
Author LostUnhappyGuy Posted March 11, 2017 Author Posted March 11, 2017 Yeah. Friendship is not in the picture right now. Time AND a new, healthy relationship is what you need to move on. BTW, you wondered why she spent so much time with you? Well, she was lonely and you were someone familiar in a new town. It sounds like that was part of your reason to be with her initially as you do not mention a relationship or other friends you've made. Just someone to hang out with. Also, your strong feelings may have to do with the fact that she is taken. Common, though peculiar feeling that many people have. You've romanticized her and placed her on a pedestal to be won. It sounds like she's faithful, decent human being and isn't easily swayed. Yup, with your romantic interests you will become an unnecessary distraction, so leave her alone. Thanks for the input. If you read my post, you would know that I already "left her alone." Ever since 6 months ago I have never asked her to hang out. The issue is, I still cannot get her out of my mind. So truly speaking, I think there are 2 options: 1. Tell her how I feel and part ways. 2. Completely ignore her and disappear. I had a lot of problem figuring out which option to go for.
greymatter Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 This is my first post but I'm been reading these boards for a couple of years. I don't understand why you would ghost her. It would be a really unkind way to treat someone you supposedly care about and makes no sense to me. If you need to take a step back, be honest and let her know why. You have nothing to lose, do you? As someone who recently got out of a long distance relationship, I can attest to the fact that such relationships do end. It is possible that her relationship may end due to the distance or other factors. If that happens and you have treated her badly, you won't ever have any chance with her.
chphan Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Dear all, I thought of completely cutting it off without letting her know anything but that's just mean right? We were pretty good friends, and all of the sudden I just disappear? This is one of those weird situations where although I don't hang out with her, I constantly think about her. People say time will cure everything, why can't I get her out of my mind? You do the fade out and slowly disappear and cut off contact. Time does heal but in order for that to happen you need to cut away from all contact, move on and find someone else. Constantly lingering with contact here and there means you still holding out hope. You are not friends with her despite what you tell yourself. You are friends with her for the wrong reason which is hoping that you can make something happen with that friendship. So stop fooling yourself because you always had that feeling there to begin with.
chphan Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 As someone who recently got out of a long distance relationship, I can attest to the fact that such relationships do end. It is possible that her relationship may end due to the distance or other factors. If that happens and you have treated her badly, you won't ever have any chance with her. Don't listen to this person. You don't want to be the douchebag that lingers around hoping to steal someone other guy's girl waiting for the right opportunity. How do you think you would feel if you had a girlfriend in a long term relationship and in a long distance knowing there's some guy that is supposedly being a friend to your girlfriend but hoping to steal your girlfriend away from you knowing you are far away? If her boyfriend knew about you and your feelings, you think he be okay with you being her friend?
greymatter Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Don't listen to this person. You don't want to be the douchebag that lingers around hoping to steal someone other guy's girl waiting for the right opportunity. How do you think you would feel if you had a girlfriend in a long term relationship and in a long distance knowing there's some guy that is supposedly being a friend to your girlfriend but hoping to steal your girlfriend away from you knowing you are far away? If her boyfriend knew about you and your feelings, you think he be okay with you being her friend? I didn't tell him to linger around and try to steal her away from her boyfriend. I recommended that he let her know why he is stepping back so as to not mistreat her. And yes, if he just disappears and she is eventually single, he won't have a chance.
preraph Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 I think being honest with her is best. Just tell her that you are afraid you'll get too attached to her and she's taken and that you're sorry but you need to pull back. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Thanks for the input. If you read my post, you would know that I already "left her alone." Ever since 6 months ago I have never asked her to hang out. The issue is, I still cannot get her out of my mind. So truly speaking, I think there are 2 options: 1. Tell her how I feel and part ways. 2. Completely ignore her and disappear. I had a lot of problem figuring out which option to go for. You haven't asked her to hang out and she hasn't asked you. Good. Fade out. It may seem cruel by some, but you have already set the foundation for that and I suspect she knows it. In THIS situation I don't see the purpose of you infusing your confessions of love NOW. You need to move on w/o confusing, complicating things further. For you to do #1 is self-serving in this case.
Author LostUnhappyGuy Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 Hi everyone, Thanks very much for the feedback. Looks like there are two popular opinions here. greymatter group: advise me to be honest about it with the girl and let her know that I will need to pull back. chphan group: advise me to fade out and cut all contact. Honestly I've been going back and forth with these two for a while. For chphan group: the issue here is I will become a total ******* for doing this. For me, I stopped asking her to hang out and became more distant. However, she still believes we are friends and still asks me to hang out here and there. That's why I find it so hard to cut her loose. It's just mean. Imagine you have a friend who all of the sudden stops talking to you even when you reach out. How would you feel? It is very easy for people to say "just go NC," but really? Is that how we want to treat others? Without telling them why? For greymatter group: your way is the kind way, you believe we should provide a reason for fading out. I honestly believe this is the better way too. But this is very very hard for me to do. I find this extremely awkward. I wish I can just forget about it and move on...
GoldSparkz Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 There is no basis for a friendship with this girl, because you will always be attracted to her. So what you define as a friendship is more like "a friendship I'm hoping to turn into a relationship, that most likely won't happen". Do you really think you'll cope with just being friends with her? Think about all those missed opportunities to date available women...all given up because of a fantasy. I wouldn't waste anymore of your precious time and thoughts on this girl and I certainly wouldn't be friends with her. It's all just a fantasy. 1
smackie9 Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 Thanks, this is a route that I thought of doing many times. But I am afraid this will end the friendship forever that's why I never pulled the trigger. Maybe this is really the right thing to do. How would you react if one of your guy friend told you this? You need the friendship to end forever if you wish to move forward with your life. Friendships will come and go. When you meet the love of your life and get married, you will never have a need or miss that friendship because you now just married your best friend....get it? How would I react? I have had guy friends confess their affection for me...I never had a problem parting ways.
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