Jenny4 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 (edited) I need your help/advice everyone please! So i have been with my current boyfriend Alex for over a year now and we are even living together (we are both students). My family lives close by but his family lives in a different country. They are very strict and cannot find out that my bf is a drug addict. It is hard for me to see him ruining months and months of his life by doing nothing productive all day and i have tried to help but nothing worked. I respect him tho and would never contact his parents and risk loosing him or risk that his relationship to his parents could be destroyed. His parents notice though that he isnt doing well in university and i think they try to blame it on me. He has been a weed addict before i met him and he has ben even worse at university before he knew me. So i defently have nothing to do with his problems. Ita so hard for me to see him just being home everyday basically doing nothing with his life (not even meeting friends or anything). I worry and i have been fighting with my boyfriend for weeks now and it gotten physical. He hit me really hard a few times and i had bruises all over my body. I know that most girls in that situation would have told their parents or even went to the police. But i told no one. I took pictures of my bruises tho and tried to scare my boyfriend by asking me what his family would think of him if they knew what he has become. He cried and realized that his parents didnt raise him like that and would disown him. So again, i never would have showed anyone those pictures because i dont want to ruin his life. I forgiven him because he is not an abusive person. He can be really sweet and smart. But the problem is that his family notices that he is not doing so well and they kind of blame me for it cause i am living with him and have 'influence'. I told my boyfriend he has to move out even tho i love him but i cant live with someone who sits at home all day and brings me down with him. He has one brother and they are bestfriends and super close. He asked his brother if I sent anything to him or his parents (he was scared that i did sent pictures of my bruises to his family) and thats where the real trouble started. His brother immediately told his parents and now his mother asked my boyfriend what i wanted to sent because she received nothing. His brother hasnt talked to me and thinks i am a bitch and trying to blackmail my botfriend. I hate that my boyfriend created this situation. I wanted a good relationship to his famy and now they think i am blackmailing him with pictures and all. I never would have sent those to anyone! I never blackmailed my boyfriend. He is the one who did wrong my hitting me! But ofcourse my boyfriend doesnt wanna tell the truth to his brother or parents and now they just think bad of me cause for all they know is that his girlfriend (me) was trying to sent something mean to them to blackmail my bf. its so messed up. His family doesnt think good of me amd his brother is acting really weird and ignoring me. What should i do? My boyfriend said its all my fault that they think bad of me because i have never should have said that i will sent those pics out to anyone. I only said it for one hour to make him realize how wrong it is it hit me or he would have kept doing it! I know its wrong of me to scare him a bit but i didnt know what to do anymore! I felt helpless and i didnt know how else to make him come to his senses! After an hour i told him hey its good that you finally realize how wrong it is what you did but to relieve you, i didnt sent the pics to anyone and never would. But i guess he didnt trust me and still went ahead and texted his brother if he received anything from me. My boyfriend jsut created all this drama. I dont want his famiky to think bad of me when my boyfriend is the bad one lying to them. So basically his brother and parents know that i wanted to send them something about my bf and they dont know what its about and my boyfriend will not tell them so now they wonder and just think i ta nothing serious and i am just being a bitch trying to blackmail him? What can i do? Edited March 10, 2017 by Jenny4
Redhead14 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 I need your help/advice everyone please! So i have been with my current boyfriend Alex for over a year now and we are even living together (we are both students). My family lives close by but his family lives in a different country. They are very strict and cannot find out that my bf is a drug addict. It is hard for me to see him ruining months and months of his life by doing nothing productive all day and i have tried to help but nothing worked. I respect him tho and would never contact his parents and risk loosing him or risk that his relationship to his parents could be destroyed. His parents notice though that he isnt doing well in university and i think they try to blame it on me. He has been a weed addict before i met him and he has ben even worse at university before he knew me. So i defently have nothing to do with his problems. Ita so hard for me to see him just being home everyday basically doing nothing with his life (not even meeting friends or anything). I worry and i have been fighting with my boyfriend for weeks now and it gotten physical. He hit me really hard a few times and i had bruises all over my body. I know that most girls in that situation would have told their parents or even went to the police. But i told no one. I took pictures of my bruises tho and tried to scare my boyfriend by asking me what his family would think of him if they knew what he has become. He cried and realized that his parents didnt raise him like that and would disown him. So again, i never would have showed anyone those pictures because i dont want to ruin his life. I forgiven him because he is not an abusive person. He can be really sweet and smart. But the problem is that his family notices that he is not doing so well and they kind of blame me for it cause i am living with him and have 'influence'. I told my boyfriend he has to move out even tho i love him but i cant live with someone who sits at home all day and brings me down with him. He has one brother and they are bestfriends and super close. He asked his brother if I sent anything to him or his parents (he was scared that i did sent pictures of my bruises to his family) and thats where the real trouble started. His brother immediately told his parents and now his mother asked my boyfriend what i wanted to sent because she received nothing. His brother hasnt talked to me and thinks i am a bitch and trying to blackmail my botfriend. I hate that my boyfriend created this situation. I wanted a good relationship to his famy and now they think i am blackmailing him with pictures and all. I never would have sent those to anyone! I never blackmailed my boyfriend. He is the one who did wrong my hitting me! But ofcourse my boyfriend doesnt wanna tell the truth to his brother or parents and now they just think bad of me cause for all they know is that his girlfriend (me) was trying to sent something mean to them to blackmail my bf. its so messed up. His family doesnt think good of me amd his brother is acting really weird and ignoring me. What should i do? My boyfriend said its all my fault that they think bad of me because i have never should have said that i will sent those pics out to anyone. I only said it for an hour to make him realize how wrong it is it hit me or he would have kept doing it! I know its wrong of me to scare him a bit but i didnt know what to do anymore! I felt helpless and my boyfriend jsut created all this drama. I dont want his famiky to think bad of me when my boyfriend is the bad one lying to them. What can i do? I dont want his famiky to think bad of me when my boyfriend is the bad one lying to them. What can i do -- You leave the situation. Abuse is a deal breaker. I know its wrong of me to scare him -- What he does to YOU certainly scares YOU!!!!!!!!!! I dont want his famiky to think bad of me -- I doubt very much they would think bad of you when the truth finally rears it's ugly head and that can only happen if you take all this to the police -- pictures and all. With all the media attention to domestic abuse, there's no way you don't understand how wrong this situation is. Read up on domestic abuse and get real with yourself and him. It's over due.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 I worry and i have been fighting with my boyfriend for weeks now and it gotten physical. He hit me really hard a few times and i had bruises all over my body. This is NOT okay, not at any time or way, A man who hits women is a punk who should pay, Even if you're insufferable, the right guy would just walk away, Instead of hitting you and giving you bruises that stay. 2
mrs rubble Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 You should dump him. I know he's only hit you the once and you really love him, but once is too often. He left bruises. He will do it again. Weed doesn't make people violent, so it's not the weed doing it to him, it's something in him that makes him violent and it's something in him that makes him need to smoke weed too. He needs to be alone so he can figure out what his problem is and fix it. At a guess, I'd say there's a history in his family of bashings. 2
Author Jenny4 Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 To his defense, i was being a bitch to him (yelling at him sand being mean) so i cant me too mad that he hit me. Once he did it, i tried to slap him back but he is way stronger and i just got hurt more. He has gotten very angry and violent a few times now but i feel like its my fault because i can be a bitch sometimes. Its just the last time there were so many bruises and i had to cover my face with make up and he didnt even act sorry. He said we will not do it again. I just dont like that he contacted his family cause he was scared that i would tell them and now they KNOW something is going on but they dont know what and think its me who is doing something wrong -.- I wish my boyfriend talked good of me to his family but he rather just cover his own ass . He is moving out now and he told his parents ita because he needs space from me to be free and grow. What bull**** -.- he will not tell them the real reason thag he only moves out because he is an addict and his gf cant take it anymore. I want his family to know how hard i have been trying to help him and motivate him to do better in life but instead my bf makes his family think i am a part of why he is a failure. And the worst part is i cant even tell his family the truth or i destroy their relationship.
basil67 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Jenny, is this guy really the best you can do for yourself? I'd be heartbroken if my daughter settled for an abuser drug addict like him. 1
Author Jenny4 Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 The problem is i suffer from Pure O and ROCD my whole life and people have a hard time dealing with it. Even my own family cant deal with it sometimes and i have troubke finding people being okay with it. My boyfriend has been so good about it and my ROCD has gotten really better through him. I would like to stick to him because i love him and he is the most important person i have in my life right now. I am not even that mad that he smokes weed (i dont btw) or that he has gotten a little violent because most of the time he not violent. What really hurts me is that he rather covers his own ass than having his family love me. It is so important to me to have a great relationship to his family and i feel like he is destroying that. That really makes me feel like he doesnt care about me too much
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 What can i do? You can break up with this abusive stoner. I assume you know where the door is. Use it before he hits you again. This guy is going nowhere in life. Why are you sticking around to be his punching bag? Have some self respect & some self preservation. Get out!
Author Jenny4 Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 What makes me mad is also that his brother betrayed us by immediately calling his parents and telling them about me 'doing something wrong' . CauE my bf begged his brother to not involve the parents. That also makes me feel like his brother doesnt like me too much and also i know now that i could never turn to him if i ever needed his help because he immediately will tell his parents. :/ Pure O is like Ocd but mentally. I also have ocd (scared of germa) but Pure O is so hard cause my mind is ao ****ed up somwtimes and i have repetitive thoughts. I have to ask the same question over and over again even if i know the answer already and people get crazy with me. I have worked on it tho but my bf keeps telling me that i will have a hard time finding another bf cause no one puts up with a mental illness.
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Your BF is abusing you mentally as well as physically. You can do better then him but 1st you have to get rid of him. Nothing about this situation is good for you.
basil67 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 What is Pure O and ROCD? Dr Google just told me that these are related to OCD. Sweetie, are you getting psychiatric help for your conditions? If they are significant enough that your family struggles with it....and you accept a crap boyfriend because of it, you really need help. Have you thought to the future and the potential for marriage and babies with him? It would not be a good thing.
Author Jenny4 Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 Rocd is ocd about relationship. Any kind of relationships. Thats why i have almost no contact to my own family. But with my boyfriend its just that i couldnt get over his past and now i finally did&moved on and i dont wanna loose that. With a next new bf i would have to go through the whole mess again and who knows if another guy even puts up with it. My boyfriend is moving out now. I barely will see him now and i hope he gets better with his addiction, otherwise i can still leave. I just am so sad that he messes up the relationship between me and his family. I understand that he diesnt wanna tell them that he is an addict and hit me but at least he can tell them that i have nothing to do with him being bad at university and that i am a wonderful girlfriend and do nothing but try to motivate him, but instead he says nothing about and even acts like i dont give him space to grow...haha wtf sorry but what?!
DrReplyInRhymes Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Ok, well OCD is manageable and you can find someone else who is tolerant of it. There's a lot of guys who aren't going to judge you on your mental illness, but rather, your compatibility. He hits you hard enough to leave bruises that are visible in pictures. I mean, is that what you want from a guy you love? 1
elaine567 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 That really makes me feel like he doesnt care about me too much I think you hit the nail on the head. Addicts and abusers only care about themselves. 2
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 To his defense, i was being a bitch to him (yelling at him sand being mean) so i cant me too mad that he hit me. He is moving out now and he told his parents ita because he needs space from me to be free and grow. I am so glad he's moving out. It will be easier for you to dump him. What his family thinks about you doesn't matter. You will be his EX GF. Do tell your family what he did & show them the pictures. taking those photos was the smartest thing you did. It doesn't matter if you were rotten to him. He DOES NOT get to hit you. Ever. 3
Redhead14 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 to be free and grow -- And, now, you can be free and grow too. Take this time to become strong and secure in your own right and learn how and when to draw and enforce boundaries so that you do not find yourself in this position again with someone else. Learn from this. 2
BaileyB Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 To his defense, i was being a bitch to him (yelling at him sand being mean) so i cant me too mad that he hit me. Once he did it, i tried to slap him back but he is way stronger and i just got hurt more. He has gotten very angry and violent a few times now but i feel like its my fault because i can be a bitch sometimes. Its just the last time there were so many bruises and i had to cover my face with make up and he didnt even act sorry There is absolutely no defence or excuse for physical violence in a relationship. It doesn't matter what you've done, what you've said, how many buttons you have pushed, a man (or woman) NEVER has the right to become violent or physically abusive to another human being. You are in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. GET OUT NOW before you really get hurt. Who cares what he thinks, or what his parents think... I'm sure, if they know that he had become violent and put bruises on your body they would have some very, very strong words for your boyfriend. Stay with this man at your own risk - this will not get better, only worse. You don't have a minute to waste to find help, my dear... 5
DarrenB Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 What kind of 'boyfriend' would allow himself to commit such behavior and absurd and actions? Saying that, what kind of significant other would tolerate it. People will give their excuses all day, irrelevant reasons to the most relevant - it doesn't matter. Domestic abuse/physical abuse is too far, when it's included with drug intake and conflict in a relationship... there's just nothing to salvage from it, and I'm sincerely sorry to say that. I'm sure you love this guy, but he is not someone who deserves your love. Quite simple. 2
spiderowl Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 I am sorry to hear your story. You seem to be completely under the influence of your boyfriend, so much so that you cannot see that you should not have to put up with any of this. As you said, it is all of your boyfriend's all making. OK, he is addicted to drugs which is not his fault. It is up to him to try to find a way to get off them though. I don't think you should have to deal with his family at all. I think you should go back to your own family and extricate yourself from this doomed relationship. I know you love him and want him to be the best boyfriend but he needs to change so much now and is not showing any signs of wanting to do so. None of this is your fault. You are rather co-dependent though (you might want to look that up if you haven't heard of it) and enabling him to carry on in a relationship. He is not paying any price for being an addict who is not trying to get better or for being abusive to you. He is certainly not in a position to be the loving and supporting partner you really need. Why try to make a bad situation work? It's just not going to. Cut your losses, grieve for your loss of the good aspects, and then find someone better.
spiderowl Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Jenny, I know you are worried about what his parents think of you. But remember, he is the one who is affecting your reputation, not you. I don't think it matters what they think of you but you obviously care. Don't let this guy affect you or your reputation any more. There will be someone else who loves you and is patient with your condition.
SoleMate Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 To his defense, i was being a bitch to him (yelling at him sand being mean) so i cant e too mad that he hit me.... OK, don't be "mad". Be packing your bags and leaving, blocking him and going total NC, and visiting a domestic violence center for support and advice. Be learning to love yourself more and understanding that there is no excuse whatsoever for him hitting you.
Author Jenny4 Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 (edited) Thanks for your advice. I am happy he is moving out and i really hope he is bettering himself and working on his addiction. I have a small family myself amd am not even that close to the few members i have....so i really seek like a family in law i guess. I only had one long (5 year long) relationship before him and i got along so well with my ex-family in law that they even called me their daughter and i felt part of their family whenever i stayed at their house. I have been visiting my new boyfriends family four-five times now (they live somewhere else and each time i stayed like over a week and on holidays) and i still barely have any relationship to them. I thought it would be cool to become close to his brother and stuff but with my botfriend giving them the vibe that i am not a good girlfriend i feel like they will never like me a lot :/ My boyfriend is really disrespectful i think towards me no? He knows its important to me and he doesnt care ... Edited March 12, 2017 by Jenny4
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 When you have a solid, healthy, loving relationship it is nice to be close to your SOs family & have them love & respect you too. That said, you have a dysfunctional relationship with an abusive man. If his family doesn't know about his addiction & his violent behavior, they don't know anything true about you or your relationship with him. It kind of sucks for you but you will get the closeness you crave in your next relationship. End this one now so you are closer to getting that new one.
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