So this is where I am [updated]

[Kopking96]

So my fiancé moved out 2 weeks ago today, I didn't get the we need to talk or anything.

 

She came downstairs and said "right and moving back my mum and dads for a bit I need to clear my head, I can go now or tomorrow"

 

So she left on the Thursday, I asked her why she was leaving she claimed it wasn't me and that she just needs to clear her head.

 

So she left however the Grief and I went off the rails last week, stupidly texting and feeling low.

 

On the night she left we hugged and even kissed, so since she has been gone most of her stuff is still hear, she came the other day while I was at work for some more bits but doesn't seem like much was taken.

 

Iv seen her 3 times since she moved out and talked although it turns out that the issue was me (she never said a word) Iv been lazy and not giving affection (guilty)

 

Iv out right asked has she met anyone or likes someone is that why she moved out she says she hasn't.

 

However she is slightly annoyed at me for sending the texts but she does understand that it's hard me being on my own and her family being around her.

 

So I dusted myself down and have been cleaning up and dusting Iv told her I know I can change and I would like to show her.

 

She has now said that her head is everywhere and she doesn't know what she wants, however she wants me to text when there is post.

 

I'm so confused if she wanted no contact then surly she wouldn't want me messaging about post, if she was leaving permanently she has had 4 days to come and get all her clothes she hasn't.

 

She is stopping about 10min drive away from the house, she came for post and a parcel last night, I said I thought you'd have got it in the day she said I haven't been out anywhere.

 

Surly If she didn't want to see me then she would surly come and get the post in the day or the following day.

 

It's all very amicable no harsh words or anything, I feel last weeks behaviour may have ruined any chances of her coming back.

 

I'm just so confused right now and have no idea what's going on,

[Kopking96]

Just soooooo confused

[lostboyfriend]

So my fiancé moved out 2 weeks ago today, I didn't get the we need to talk or anything.

 

She came downstairs and said "right and moving back my mum and dads for a bit I need to clear my head, I can go now or tomorrow"

 

So she left on the Thursday, I asked her why she was leaving she claimed it wasn't me and that she just needs to clear her head.

 

So she left however the Grief and I went off the rails last week, stupidly texting and feeling low.

 

On the night she left we hugged and even kissed, so since she has been gone most of her stuff is still hear, she came the other day while I was at work for some more bits but doesn't seem like much was taken.

 

Iv seen her 3 times since she moved out and talked although it turns out that the issue was me (she never said a word) Iv been lazy and not giving affection (guilty)

 

Iv out right asked has she met anyone or likes someone is that why she moved out she says she hasn't.

 

However she is slightly annoyed at me for sending the texts but she does understand that it's hard me being on my own and her family being around her.

 

So I dusted myself down and have been cleaning up and dusting Iv told her I know I can change and I would like to show her.

 

She has now said that her head is everywhere and she doesn't know what she wants, however she wants me to text when there is post.

 

I'm so confused if she wanted no contact then surly she wouldn't want me messaging about post, if she was leaving permanently she has had 4 days to come and get all her clothes she hasn't.

 

She is stopping about 10min drive away from the house, she came for post and a parcel last night, I said I thought you'd have got it in the day she said I haven't been out anywhere.

 

Surly If she didn't want to see me then she would surly come and get the post in the day or the following day.

 

It's all very amicable no harsh words or anything, I feel last weeks behaviour may have ruined any chances of her coming back.

 

I'm just so confused right now and have no idea what's going on,

 

 

Dude. Chill.

 

No contact at all + Self improvement, if there is any chance of her coming back, she only will if you back off and give her time and space.

 

Work on yourself, go to the gym, get a new haircut. Stay positive.

 

If she contacts you keep the replies very short and do not give in to having long conversations.

 

Do not initiate contact or you will kill her attraction.

 

Stay strong and keep us posted!

[Kopking96]

Well so far I haven't contacted her, as I said I saw her Wednesday of this week but that's because she came round for the post. So I didn't contact yesterday or today.

 

Do I message her about the post like she requested or do I say nothing at all and let her ask.

 

If I do see her do I just say hello are you ok and let her get the post and go, because when I see her I'm chatting with her but I'm not sure if it's going in or not.

 

I get the odd response from her while we are talking, Wednesday it was a bit different there was more of communication not much but better than it was.

 

But these chats may come across as pushy to her but at the end of the day she holds all the card and it drives me insane that I don't feel I can have my say

[amaysngrace]

I feel sorry for you. Couples in crisis are suppose to turn towards each other...not away from each other.

 

If I were you I'd ask for the ring back and for her to get her things. Leaving you in limbo while she makes all the decisions is cruel.

 

Don't be at her mercy. Reclaim your life.

 

If you're meant to be together you will be but in the meantime hold your head high. Don't give away your power. Assertiveness and confidence are attractive. Crying in your beer is not.

[Nailhead]

Might want to see who she is communicating with. Any red flags? Secretive with phone? No password shared? Unexplained late days at work? Time for some snooping.

 

Oh, to be sure....if she is off clearing her head...she can take your stuff with her. You home is not a storage unit.

 

Another thing...off clearing ones head sometimes means I'm kicking the tires with someone else. Stand by cause you are now plan B.

[SevenCity]

Might want to see who she is communicating with. Any red flags? Secretive with phone? No password shared? Unexplained late days at work? Time for some snooping.

 

Oh, to be sure....if she is off clearing her head...she can take your stuff with her. You home is not a storage unit.

 

Another thing...off clearing ones head sometimes means I'm kicking the tires with someone else. Stand by cause you are now plan B.

 

Sad but true.

 

OP - There is nothing you can do. Work on yourself and get past her and start dating other women. I know it sucks, but the more you try to do the more it will push her away.

 

I wouldn't rule out another guy either. But be thankful this happened before you got married rather than afterwards.

[kztar]

I feel sorry for you. Couples in crisis are suppose to turn towards each other...not away from each other.

 

If I were you I'd ask for the ring back and for her to get her things. Leaving you in limbo while she makes all the decisions is cruel.

 

Don't be at her mercy. Reclaim your life.

 

If you're meant to be together you will be but in the meantime hold your head high. Don't give away your power. Assertiveness and confidence are attractive. Crying in your beer is not.

 

OP I have to agree on this one. I think you should start looking at your options of moving on because when in crisis healthy couples really do turn towards each other.

 

This is a very bad sign. Im not sure about someone else being in the picture but overall I would start moving on.

 

Otherwise you will sit there and wait and wait and in the end might be for nothing.

[d0nnivain]

Ouch.

 

 

I'm sorry she is sending mixed messages.

 

 

For now concentrate on the practical -- postponing or cancelling the wedding. Get back as much of any deposits as possible. Return any engagement or shower gifts. Pack up her stuff so you aren't constantly looking at it.

[Kopking96]

At the moment I dont think there is anyone else, it's not to say there isn't but so far there's no evidence to support it, I mean Iv openly said please tell me if there is and she swears down there isn't, but your right it is cruel to leave me like this.

 

I'm just getting nothing back in way of talking or anything, I'm wondering if she wants me to end it that way she gets the get out of jail free card and then can milk it that I was the bad guy and ended it.

 

It's all so very raw at the Moment

[Nailhead]

At the moment I dont think there is anyone else, it's not to say there isn't but so far there's no evidence to support it, I mean Iv openly said please tell me if there is and she swears down there isn't, but your right it is cruel to leave me like this.

 

I'm just getting nothing back in way of talking or anything, I'm wondering if she wants me to end it that way she gets the get out of jail free card and then can milk it that I was the bad guy and ended it.

 

It's all so very raw at the Moment

 

Do you really think she would simply spill the beans if there was someone else? Do you think she would leave evidence laying around for discovery? Take a look to be sure.

[Kopking96]

She isn't at home so there's no way of knowing. It's a small town so it'll get back to me at some point

[Bromeo]

Might want to see who she is communicating with. Any red flags? Secretive with phone? No password shared? Unexplained late days at work? Time for some snooping.

 

Oh, to be sure....if she is off clearing her head...she can take your stuff with her. You home is not a storage unit.

 

Another thing...off clearing ones head sometimes means I'm kicking the tires with someone else. Stand by cause you are now plan B.

 

This. When mine broke into my house, twice to recover her things without telling me, she still left a ton of junk in my home. This was after she bounced to her sisters without telling me, and played games for weeks.

 

It took me three purges to finally get her stuff out, on the sidewalk, and finally into the dumpster. I gave away the gifts she gave me.

 

Whether they leave it on purpose or not, it causes bad memories, retards healing, and needs to go.

 

You are what matters, not her junk.

[Kopking96]

It's hard because I can't think where she would meet someone.

 

She goes clubbercise but my best mates Mrs goes there also and see's her so it's not there.

 

It could be work but there all bits of kids and women,

 

Oh I don't know it could drive me mad trying to work something like that out

[Kopking96]

So I'm home and stuff is still here, so Iv text her as there's post, message was delivered but not read, so I rang just to make sure she saw the message.

 

It rang a couple of times and then she diverted it to voice mail and then replied I'll pick it up in the week.

 

I just replied ok, I rang as I didn't know if you got the message and that was it.

 

She could be with her fella (if she has one) she could be sat at her mums and didn't want to speak to me.

 

It's hard to gage, because she doesn't have many friends so it's not like she goes out, really her friends are her mum and dad.

 

She can literally sit at her mum's for about 9 hours.

 

But one thing you folks are right about is that I'm being treated appealingly my crime was I lost my way a bit.

 

But that's no way to treat me like a common criminal, she knows she has me by the short and curlys.

 

This house costs a fortune and she is still paying the bills as I am, she knows if she stops then I'm screwed and can't stay here and have no where else to go.

 

To be fair be a bit stupid messing with another fella while paying the bills for this house, she could just say I'm not paying them anymore as I'm not there.

 

So really I have to play her game by her rules, how ever I will play her game if that's what she wants to do but I'll play them my way.

 

She really has got me either way.

[SevenCity]

It's hard because I can't think where she would meet someone.

 

She goes clubbercise but my best mates Mrs goes there also and see's her so it's not there.

 

It could be work but there all bits of kids and women,

 

Oh I don't know it could drive me mad trying to work something like that out

 

Where there is a will there is a way. It may not be a physical affair now - could be someone she met online.

 

But trust me, if a woman feels taken for granted they often will find attention of another. There is no shortage of men willing to give her that attention.

[Kopking96]

I'm sure there may well be, but the only place she goes online is Facebook.

 

Iv checked her friends and it's no different Iv checked under another account encase this fella is blocking me but no it same people.

 

She may have someone's mobile, one thing is I will never know unless I either see her with him or someone tells me.

 

As I said it's a very small town and if she wants to be with him she'll have to be at his.

 

She's a creature of habit, she won't travel out side of town on her own, so she will stick to round here.

 

She lives in the same village as my parents and 2 sisters so they'll see her as well.

 

Only way she will get away with it is if they don't step foot around here that's it.

 

Thing is let's say I do find out then what, do I give him a kicking or what.

 

It won't stay hidden for long.

 

Part of me thinks maybe, but majority thinks I can't see it, but you never know.

 

At the moment I'll have to just ride this out and play her game because as it stands I have no other choice.

 

But if she thinks treating me like this will make me end it so she gets a free ride and I come out the bad guy then she's very much mistaken.

 

But she knows me just as well and knows I'm not a quitter, so I think she will possibly stay away as much as possible so I can't have my say and influence her.

 

She will hope someone can convince her to end it.

 

However the one things we have failed to overlook is because she hasn't felt loved she could be really hurt and angry right now and needs to cool off and decide what she wants so it could all be genuine and she just wants time away to decide if she wants to be with me or not.

 

 

It's been 2 weeks so not long really, we don't know what she's thinking only her.

 

It's a really tough one to call really

[SevenCity]

I'm sure there may well be, but the only place she goes online is Facebook.

 

Iv checked her friends and it's no different Iv checked under another account encase this fella is blocking me but no it same people.

 

She may have someone's mobile, one thing is I will never know unless I either see her with him or someone tells me.

 

As I said it's a very small town and if she wants to be with him she'll have to be at his.

 

She's a creature of habit, she won't travel out side of town on her own, so she will stick to round here.

 

She lives in the same village as my parents and 2 sisters so they'll see her as well.

 

Only way she will get away with it is if they don't step foot around here that's it.

 

Thing is let's say I do find out then what, do I give him a kicking or what.

 

It won't stay hidden for long.

 

Part of me thinks maybe, but majority thinks I can't see it, but you never know.

 

At the moment I'll have to just ride this out and play her game because as it stands I have no other choice.

 

But if she thinks treating me like this will make me end it so she gets a free ride and I come out the bad guy then she's very much mistaken.

 

But she knows me just as well and knows I'm not a quitter, so I think she will possibly stay away as much as possible so I can't have my say and influence her.

 

She will hope someone can convince her to end it.

 

However the one things we have failed to overlook is because she hasn't felt loved she could be really hurt and angry right now and needs to cool off and decide what she wants so it could all be genuine and she just wants time away to decide if she wants to be with me or not.

 

 

It's been 2 weeks so not long really, we don't know what she's thinking only her.

 

It's a really tough one to call really

 

No, you don't. If anyone deserves a "kicking" it's her but you'll go to jail for that so not worth it. If there is another guy he might not even know she's with someone.

 

Don't make a bad situation worse by being a lunkhead.

 

But, whether there is someone else or not it doesn't matter. She wanted to leave and you have to let her go. Have her get her crap out of the house and start fresh.

[Kopking96]

Your right she wanted to leave, ah I don't know.

 

Sod it I'm out with friends tonight having a drink she can just crack on and do whatever.

 

Iv done everything I can for her, so I'll carry on doing my thing until she says it's actually over.

 

Got plenty to be getting on with,

[amaysngrace]

Glad you're going out for a drink.

I hope you have a good time!

 

If I were you I wouldn't get in touch with her until you hear from her first.

[Kopking96]

Yeah Iv been thinking that, texting telling her there's a parcel or there's post. I'm not Royal Mail, she still has me on Facebook and set as engaged, I think I'll stay off Facebook and not text and if she wants to know if there's post she can message me.

 

About 2 weeks ago I had a fit at home, she s**t herself then as she wanted come round and take me A&E, but I told her stay where she is as I didn't want her thinking I was doing something for attention (not my style and give no ammunition)

[spiderowl]

It sounds like she got fed up and wanted space to see if she wants to break up or not. She is not rushing back. You seem to agree with her reasons for leaving, to a certain extent. She has not moved far and is not avoiding you - well she doesn't need to does she, because she is the one who made the decision not you. It is likely to be hurting her less.

 

So now you have three options:

 

1) Wait and see what happens, what she decides

2) Meet her in a neutral place to see if she wants to try and resolve issues with you or via relationship counselling

3) Decide for her and dump her.

 

My feeling is that she is turning this into a friendship. She might be thinking 'I need space' but she is not rushing to do anything. In the end, if things remain as they are, you will have become one of her friends not her boyfriend.

 

It is hard to advise you. Do you feel she wants you to suggest a solution, like counselling, or do you feel she is simply exiting slowly?

 

I am sorry you are in this situation. You can only learn from it. One thing I would never do is to leave a decision in the other person's hands. I did that once and it was an awful week of waiting and wondering. If a guy 'wants space', he will get it - for ever!

Edited February 11, 2017 by spiderowl

[mightycpa]

If this is her way of dealing with a problem, then you must know that she's done you an immense favor by showing you who she is.

 

Time to get her wondering what's on your mind, instead of the other way around!

 

Pack her stuff and bring it to the mum's. Change the locks! Block her on the phone! Then go out and cry in your beers with your friends for a while and find yourself one that knows how to tell you to shape up a little, before she's ready to walk out the door without giving you a clue.

 

This disaster will repeat itself, only worse, if you allow it.

[Marc878]

If you chase them they move farther away. Cut out the needy, clingy. Are you her postman?

 

Please no long letter pouring your heart out.

 

Red flags on marrying someone like this.

 

You'd better beware.

[Popsicle]

So my question is why did you stop giving her affection before?