Once a mother has a negative impression, you're disliked forever?

[dragon_fly_7]

I got back with my bf on Oct of last year. We have a long history and both of us want to form a family in the near future.

 

Nearly 10 years ago to this very moment (exactly on my 20th b-day...April 7) my mother and he got into a bad argument. Till this day I don't know everything said in that argument because I wasn't there when it started.

 

The argument was bad enough to make him cry and my mother would mock about that to others and for nearly 2-3 years thought making him crying was funny and that she was putting him in his place.

 

2008: She issued a fake apology to him over the phone and he could tell it was fake. At some point, I guess he must have given a bad impression (though not intentional..we were much younger then) and ever since, every single good thing he ever did would be met with bad comments and criticism. At some point I shouldn't talk nothing to my mother about my bf or it would lead to an argument.

 

Present-day 2017: nowadays my mother has mixed opinions about him (sometimes she says good stuff, other times it's criticism again) but if he makes a single little mistake or can't get in contact with me due to bad access he's back to being the bad guy again and she assumes wrong again. The last thing I would want is my mother to be fake nice and be hypocrite to him if we were to get married. That would hurt me. I'm a family oriented woman and believe in keeping the peace together.

She did said thought that if he shows he really loves me and proves it, then she'll adore him. I don't know if it'll ever get to that level though. I'm I right that it's hopeless at this point??? He's ok with my mother and has already forgiven her but my greatest wish would be to get an honest approval from her. I'll still continue the relationship if I never get it in the end but it would suck.

Edited March 10, 2017 by dragon_fly_7

[d0nnivain]

I don't think it's hopeless but I do think it will be an uphill battle.

 

 

Based on what you characterized as her "fake apology" and the fact that she made fun of a young man to others behind his back, I question your mother's maturity. If you nevertheless think her statement that she will like him if he proves that he truly loves you is sincere, then find out exactly what that looks like & have your BF behave that way in front of her.

 

 

On your part, you can no longer confide in mom about the hiccups in your relationship. All she can ever hear going forward is good happy positive stuff. If you give her 1 negative thing she will blow it out of proportion because she is predisposed against him.

[dragon_fly_7]

Thank you d0nnivain and yes it makes sense. There was a time long, long ago that she initially really liked him (only from July to Nov 2006) but but once she started disliking him, everything about him stink to her.

 

One member in my family that truly adores him to the point he got called ''my grandson'' is my grandmother (my mom's mother). They would sometimes talk over the phone and she would call him sweet nicknames. Unlikes my mother, she addresses him by his name. I do think that her statement is true; if there is one thing she does is keeps her promise if proven wrong. If he proves all that, then yes she did said he would take the time to even cook him her favorite food and treat him the way my grandma does but he's still basically on probation. Sucks....

 

The good thing though is my mother still think he doesn't smoke at all. He only smokes once in a long while but I will never tell that to her. You're right, not one single slip otherwise he's back at 0 all over again.

Edited March 10, 2017 by dragon_fly_7

[basil67]

Your mother's behaviour is completely inappropriate.

 

Have you given any thought to telling her that she needs to back right off with her judgments, gossiping and general rudeness about your BF? That while you would appreciate her blessing, you don't *need* her blessing.

 

If she won't do this, what steps will you put in place to protect your BF and relationship from her?

[dragon_fly_7]

All the gossiping to others about him was in the past (it stopped in 2012 or 2013...by then my bf and I were just friends). She doesn't do that anymore but sometimes she tells me she's still not very convinced and bring back something from the ages ago. Other days, it's good stuff though.

 

The situation has gotten better but he's in probation status with her. She keeps changing her mind too much. Hence why her views about him are mixed by now.

Edited March 10, 2017 by dragon_fly_7