bobbyscotch Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Hi Everyone, I signed up on here a while back during a bad breakup... only to find myself with someone who just broke my heart. It was a massively complicated relationship that I can go into more detail later about... but, I just kinda need some help and support today. I've been trying to be NC... but, she turns into a text terrorist... and then says things like "if you are going to be like this. and to ignore me. there is no way there is ever a chance of us being back together." She's been abusive... tormenting me. Being mean. As soon as I engage with her (oh, we were engaged BTW... and she's still wearing the ring... she ended it 2-3 weeks ago). So, to get to my point and what I wanted to discuss... is that everything is always so immediate. Like.. she keeps me in this cycle. And still demands i respond quickly. when i don't it's venom. I finally just said to her that this is difficult for me. and that I cannot give her the same steadfast attention or immediate response. She's accused me of being snarky and rude when my replies are just direct and to the point. SO. To the actual point. After trying my damnedest to just give her just polite responses. and being as NC as I can (i never ever initiate).. she hits me with a question this morning.. just like a work.. how's work blah blah thing.. and then an hour later texts "it seems like you are doing fine.... and that makes me glad". I really don't know what to say or do. i'm cracking up. i'm a mess. i'm barely keeping it together. i'm trying to go to the gym and see a therapist... but, like.. last night.. i got wasted ... but, then i unfriended her on facebook... which was big. and also really really painful. i wish i hadn't. but, not like i can undo that. so, anyone have any ex that has communicated like that? i'm trying my hardest to not respond. but, i really really want to. but, i can't respond like "i'm a mess. i love you. this is hard" because then i'm that same needy, pathetic guy... help?
la74219 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Hi Everyone, I signed up on here a while back during a bad breakup... only to find myself with someone who just broke my heart. It was a massively complicated relationship that I can go into more detail later about... but, I just kinda need some help and support today. I've been trying to be NC... but, she turns into a text terrorist... and then says things like "if you are going to be like this. and to ignore me. there is no way there is ever a chance of us being back together." She's been abusive... tormenting me. Being mean. As soon as I engage with her (oh, we were engaged BTW... and she's still wearing the ring... she ended it 2-3 weeks ago). So, to get to my point and what I wanted to discuss... is that everything is always so immediate. Like.. she keeps me in this cycle. And still demands i respond quickly. when i don't it's venom. I finally just said to her that this is difficult for me. and that I cannot give her the same steadfast attention or immediate response. She's accused me of being snarky and rude when my replies are just direct and to the point. SO. To the actual point. After trying my damnedest to just give her just polite responses. and being as NC as I can (i never ever initiate).. she hits me with a question this morning.. just like a work.. how's work blah blah thing.. and then an hour later texts "it seems like you are doing fine.... and that makes me glad". I really don't know what to say or do. i'm cracking up. i'm a mess. i'm barely keeping it together. i'm trying to go to the gym and see a therapist... but, like.. last night.. i got wasted ... but, then i unfriended her on facebook... which was big. and also really really painful. i wish i hadn't. but, not like i can undo that. so, anyone have any ex that has communicated like that? i'm trying my hardest to not respond. but, i really really want to. but, i can't respond like "i'm a mess. i love you. this is hard" because then i'm that same needy, pathetic guy... help? I basically told her last night that I don't want to communicate with her at all, and the only thing I ever want to hear from her is that she is willing to work things out with me. Simple as that. Then ignore everything else. If you have to, block her. I know it sounds cruel to block someone, but you deserve to be happy man. Hang in there, and continue to post on here if it helps! 2
Author bobbyscotch Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 Yeah.. I know that's what is best. And I need to listen to everyone in my life who has told me to run away. But, I'm just crushed. I haven't love like this before. I've never proposed before. Our whole thing was always really complicated though. She's married/divorced.. has kids... i moved to the city she lives in... Basically she was my world... But, I put way too much pressure on the relationship. wanted to see her way more than she was able... basically all that pressure.. turned into unattractive neediness.. and then she was just using me for all she could use me for.. and then made the decision to go to counselling with her ex .. because of their children. which... she left the hope within me.. when she told me about that decision. saying that part of her wanted to do this, so that she could tell her children, she did all that she could to save the marriage.... and then she and i could be together knowing she tried... so.... basically saying i should wait for her...
la74219 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Yeah get rid of the hope man. I know it's not easy. What's going to happen is just going to happen, but what's important is doing what is best for yourself first. I know how difficult it is. There are a lot of people on here who will offer encouragement and advice so keep posting and get it all out.
Zahara Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 She's not responsible for your supposed attempt at NC. You are choosing to actively keep the lines of communication open. You're doing so because you're hoping something is going to change. There is a reason she treats you this way. You've exhibited yourself as weak and affected and someone who you admit has been a user, will likely use that against you. What's stopping you from blocking her? What could be any worse than being yanked around?
Author bobbyscotch Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 Oh.. one fun detail. She and I actually met on a facebook breakup forum/group.... so, we are both well versed in the various "get them back via NC" stuff... it's like a game of chess at this stage.
Author bobbyscotch Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 Thank you. These support networks really are a savior. I'm so damned confused and lonesome and hurting.. the solidarity helps. I appreciate the frankness too. I'm in therapy over this. And back at the gym. but, still she has her cell phone on my plan. she still is wearing the ring, though she says she's giving it back. Why still wear it??? she still needs me for things.. and I don't know why she can't see the audacity in it all. i'm doing my best to distance.. but, she's constantly trying to keep the hooks in.
preraph Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 I hope you can sort out how much is love for her and how much is necessity of affording kids that keeps her bugging you. You need to tell her, "Look, you broke up with me, but you haven't gone away. If you still want a relationship, then you need to let me know what it is you DO want so I can make my decision whether it's anything I want or not." 2
Zahara Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 (edited) I'm in therapy over this. And back at the gym. Granted those are positive steps but it would be the equivalent to taking one step forward and two steps back. One has to make a conscious choice towards healing. Poison in the left and antidote in the right and alternating between the two. This is what you're choosing to do. No one can help you until you choose to help yourself. but, still she has her cell phone on my plan. she still is wearing the ring, though she says she's giving it back. Why still wear it??? she still needs me for things.. and I don't know why she can't see the audacity in it all. Then take her off your cellphone. Forget the ring. Don't give her things. You want to do keep all these lifelines open because you hope to get something from it. i'm doing my best to distance.. but, she's constantly trying to keep the hooks in. YOU want to leave those hooks in. Again you have a choice to enforce boundaries and cut the cord. YOU want the hooks, you want to leave them there because you are still hopeful. Take accountability for where you are. She's not to blame. Edited March 10, 2017 by Zahara 2
marky00 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 YOU want to leave those hooks in. Again you have a choice to enforce boundaries and cut the cord. YOU want the hooks, you want to leave them there because you are still hopeful. Take accountability for where you are. She's not to blame. That's a bit rough. Every dynamic in human relations is 50/50. He is to blame for allowing this to happen but she is to blame because she damn right knows what she is doing. It's simply unrealistic to suggest that a human being can make perfect decisions to every thing thrown their way. This is why we rely on family etc because those are people we can trust and be at ease with and not have to be on 24/7 watch about everything thrown at us because we can trust they are factoring in what is good for us too. He can't just turn off his feelings like a light switch but she should have definitely stopped this stuff right after the BU. He is on the path. He has acknowledged, soon his actions will catch up. 1
Author bobbyscotch Posted March 11, 2017 Author Posted March 11, 2017 Thank you both. Yeah. That was a little harsh. But, whatever. A lot of us need a good shaking right now. I took no umbrage. We as in pain. We are mad. Sad. The rest. And yes. To a certain degree it is self-torture. But. Don't mistake longing for that love to be back. And being willing to endure their vitriol and mixed messages for simply being complicit. We can be aware. And not wanting to let go. Because. This is so confusing. It shattered our trust. It shakes us to the core. How something we thought was... love. Turned out to be ... just another in a line of heartache. I know we all self torture. But. Let's not blame ourselves too much. These people oftentimes are behaving in truly cruel fashion. When I wasn't responding this week. She sent a picture of her daughter. A little girl that calls me papa. And she said "thank god you won't be in her life to influence her". That wasn't my fault. I was trying to be silent. Trying to just regroup. So. I appreciate the notion that we do this upon ourselves in many ways. Let's not forget that these former loved ones are actually being f*cking awful to us. Sorry for swearing. It. A lot of them are. Each time I ignore her. She reaches a state where she threatens "if this is how you're going to behave then there is truly no future for us. Or chance of being back. " all because I was ignoring her. These people are often abusive, selifish and narcissistic. Love to all. We want them back and ourselves back. 1
Bromeo Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 That's a bit rough. Every dynamic in human relations is 50/50. He is to blame for allowing this to happen but she is to blame because she damn right knows what she is doing. It's simply unrealistic to suggest that a human being can make perfect decisions to every thing thrown their way. This is why we rely on family etc because those are people we can trust and be at ease with and not have to be on 24/7 watch about everything thrown at us because we can trust they are factoring in what is good for us too. He can't just turn off his feelings like a light switch but she should have definitely stopped this stuff right after the BU. He is on the path. He has acknowledged, soon his actions will catch up. Op, I'm sorry you are hurting so bad, and rest assured many of us have been right there with you. One suggestion is for you to read some of the older members breakup threads, and the prolonged damage that breadcrumbs, chasing, and maintaining contact can have on your well being, when the ex does not wish to reconcile. Read Markys, jamilis, keiji, plt, that lost soul Armageddon, or for a extra good laugh, read mine. I believe what Zahara meant is that you will continue to hurt from this until you take action to prevent further interactions. You absolutely have to, especially if you are receiving behavior that is causing pain. However, you are not at fault for every problem in your relationship. I fell into that trap as well. In my case, I had never experienced crumbs and a distancing, punishing ex. I had to cut her off. It sucks, but you will heal up much quicker. Be safe, and keep updating here. 2
Redhead14 Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Hi Everyone, I signed up on here a while back during a bad breakup... only to find myself with someone who just broke my heart. It was a massively complicated relationship that I can go into more detail later about... but, I just kinda need some help and support today. I've been trying to be NC... but, she turns into a text terrorist... and then says things like "if you are going to be like this. and to ignore me. there is no way there is ever a chance of us being back together." She's been abusive... tormenting me. Being mean. As soon as I engage with her (oh, we were engaged BTW... and she's still wearing the ring... she ended it 2-3 weeks ago). So, to get to my point and what I wanted to discuss... is that everything is always so immediate. Like.. she keeps me in this cycle. And still demands i respond quickly. when i don't it's venom. I finally just said to her that this is difficult for me. and that I cannot give her the same steadfast attention or immediate response. She's accused me of being snarky and rude when my replies are just direct and to the point. SO. To the actual point. After trying my damnedest to just give her just polite responses. and being as NC as I can (i never ever initiate).. she hits me with a question this morning.. just like a work.. how's work blah blah thing.. and then an hour later texts "it seems like you are doing fine.... and that makes me glad". I really don't know what to say or do. i'm cracking up. i'm a mess. i'm barely keeping it together. i'm trying to go to the gym and see a therapist... but, like.. last night.. i got wasted ... but, then i unfriended her on facebook... which was big. and also really really painful. i wish i hadn't. but, not like i can undo that. so, anyone have any ex that has communicated like that? i'm trying my hardest to not respond. but, i really really want to. but, i can't respond like "i'm a mess. i love you. this is hard" because then i'm that same needy, pathetic guy... help? because then i'm that same needy, pathetic guy... -- So stop that. That is why she has such "control" over you. but, then i unfriended her on facebook... which was big -- Go Big or Go Home, I always say. she keeps me in this cycle -- No, you do. Delete her and block her -- that will be big!!! And, then get real with yourself and her!!!! She's a manipulative, controlling, spoiled biatch. Keep moving!!! Block, delete whatever you have to do. We don't know what your role in the break up has been/was, all that matter is that she ended it. Accept that or make an ass of yourself. I hate that.
Zahara Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 (edited) OP, when I say she is not to blame, it means she is not to blame for where you are TODAY. Harsh? What you're doing to yourself is harsh. It's called self-preservation. If you choose to do nothing to protect yourself after someone is "abusive" towards you, then the pain that you endure is solely your own doing and your own responsibility. When you've exhibited "pathetic/needy" behavior, trust a woman like your ex will treat you accordingly. When you choose to show her that you are affected and clinging for dear life, someone like her will no doubt trample all over you not because they love you but because they're manipulative. A person that loves you or still has care for you, would let you go and grant you space to heal. They would be kind and understanding of your need to stay NC. When you post, "ex dumper won't stop contacting" -- you have to then ask yourself what have I done to change that course? Maybe it's going to take you a few more rounds of pain to learn but at the end of the day, it's still and will always be your responsibility. If you keep the welcome mat out, she's going to walk in. But you already know this. Edited March 11, 2017 by Zahara 1
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