Dating destroyed my self esteem- what am i doing wrong?

[karly85]

Hi everyone

 

I have dated a few people and I find it so hard to judge or see if the person actually likes me and wants to progress into a relationship.

 

When I date a man, I like to respect, care and nature our time together. Isnt that what dating is about? I like to invest my time getting to know him and I expect the same back.

 

I date for months- 6-9 months with one person but it seems the men I have met, want to see/date me but not progress into a relationship. I make it very clear from the start that I am looking to date with the hope of something long term in the future. I am not looking for casual/fun dating.

 

My dating life consisted of, seeing him (1x a week) maybe on the odd time, go out for food/film. Rest of time, we just stayed in and end the night by sleeping together.

 

I dont see how someone can maintain a relationship or even progress into a relationship by doing this. Or is this normal when you are dating someone for months??

 

Times when I only see the person (1x or 2x a week), I maintained regular contact by texts/phone. I found this tiring and really started to destroy my self esteem when I did not hear from them as often as I like.

 

I tried to compensate texting/phone contact for the times we are not together in real life to keep the dating going and 'seeing each other' by constantly feeling that I needed to hear from him.

 

He would ALWAYS reply but 99 percent of texts/calls I made first. He never would text me or call first. Eventually, I stopped initiating the texts and calls and I never heard from him.

 

Not one single call or text. The relationship ghosted. I stopped because I knew he was never invested in me. He stopped because he never valued me.

 

 

I think when you invest into dating someone, you should care/value for their needs. I would not date someone, ignore him for days and then randomly call him when it suited me because ''we are seeing each other''.

 

I think what hurts the most is that I went into dating this man with sincere intentions, and he thought it was 'okay' to treat me in this manner. So he never really thought much of me.

 

When I made my feelings clear about seeing each other more than 1x a week, I get told I am asking for too much and too needy/clingy.

 

What should dating be? What red flags do I need to look for?

 

What should I expect from the man I am dating.

 

Am I giving off signs that are wrong?

[GunslingerRoland]

It sounds like you are trying to force something where there isn't something.

 

If they don't reach out to contact you and only want to see you once a week, they clearly aren't that interested.

 

I don't think you are giving off the wrong signals. You just need to find a guy who really wants to be with you.

[Gaeta]

Actually the problem is not those men, the problem is within you. You give those men WAY TOO MUCH of your precious time. If a man did not escalate your dating to 2-3 times a week by month 2 than you drop him. No matter what comes out of his mouth if he is not delivering the merchandise you drop him.

 

It's destroying your self-esteem because you don't know when to pull the plug on those semi-relationships.

 

When I was dating my personal rule was after 5-6 dates I expected to hear a talk about exclusivity. If I didn't hear what I wanted after 5-6 dates I'd just terminate the relationship and move on to a better prospect. I would never have dated a man that only had 1 day a week for me. Never in a million years. Why did you accept that for 6 months?

 

So again, it's not about why they do this, it's about why YOU go along with what they do and not move on to a better prospect?

[smackie9]

This is what dating is about....seeing if there is any potential. So it goes on for a couple of week then they fade...obviously you are not the one, you just move on. You waste time analyzing, and wondering what went wrong....nothing "went wrong" it just wasn't right.

[LurkerXX]

I think trying to give every man who is just ok (comfortable and complacent, but not enthusiastic) with a several month relationship, an 8-9 month relationship is the problem. You have to drop the ones who are not as interested much sooner, and try again. There is a time in longer relationships where the energy level drops a little, but it should not be at the beginning.

[d0nnivain]

Your self esteem is about how you see yourself. You can't get it from someone else.

 

 

I agree that if you aren't getting your needs met, you need to bail way earlier than the 6 month mark.

 

 

Wanting to see a SO more than 1x per week is hardly needy or clingy. Wanting early daily contact may be too much but if you are not up to at least 2x per week by month 2, move on to the next guy.

 

 

For now you need to look deep in yourself to figure out why you let these guys manipulate you.

[preraph]

I don't know what age range you are dating, but if it's in the 20s, so many of those guys just want sex and don't necessarily just want it with one woman. There are exceptions, of course, but they're usually taken already because so many more women want relationships than men at that age. Once men get over 30, then they are often still wanting to date 20-somethings and may be looking for one to settle down with to have a family. Sadly, they are sometimes able to do so because so many 20s women want the real relationship and can't find it in their own age group, leaving the 30s women in the cold.

[karly85]

Actually the problem is not those men, the problem is within you. You give those men WAY TOO MUCH of your precious time. If a man did not escalate your dating to 2-3 times a week by month 2 than you drop him. No matter what comes out of his mouth if he is not delivering the merchandise you drop him.

 

It's destroying your self-esteem because you don't know when to pull the plug on those semi-relationships.

 

When I was dating my personal rule was after 5-6 dates I expected to hear a talk about exclusivity. If I didn't hear what I wanted after 5-6 dates I'd just terminate the relationship and move on to a better prospect. I would never have dated a man that only had 1 day a week for me. Never in a million years. Why did you accept that for 6 months?

 

So again, it's not about why they do this, it's about why YOU go along with what they do and not move on to a better prospect?

 

Yes, you are right. I really don't know what dating is meant to be like? If after 5/6 dates, he doesn't want a relationship, but still wants to see me until he's sure?

 

What actions should he be doing if he is dating me? When I ask for more contact then it's classed as needy/clingy. A relationship in my eyes is a daily commitment, where it is even just calls/text and not a weekend thing.

[karly85]

Your self esteem is about how you see yourself. You can't get it from someone else.

 

 

I agree that if you aren't getting your needs met, you need to bail way earlier than the 6 month mark.

 

 

Wanting to see a SO more than 1x per week is hardly needy or clingy. Wanting early daily contact may be too much but if you are not up to at least 2x per week by month 2, move on to the next guy.

 

 

For now you need to look deep in yourself to figure out why you let these guys manipulate you.

 

I wanted daily contact which was calls/text at around the two month mark of seeing each other. Because I only saw him 1x per week, I did want to speak and hear from him more at and after the 2 month mark.

[karly85]

I don't know what age range you are dating, but if it's in the 20s, so many of those guys just want sex and don't necessarily just want it with one woman. There are exceptions, of course, but they're usually taken already because so many more women want relationships than men at that age. Once men get over 30, then they are often still wanting to date 20-somethings and may be looking for one to settle down with to have a family. Sadly, they are sometimes able to do so because so many 20s women want the real relationship and can't find it in their own age group, leaving the 30s women in the cold.

 

I've been dating older men. They have all been 35-39 years old.

[five2nine]

You shouldnt let it go on that long with you initiating/doing all the work for 6+ months. If after 2-3 months he is still this way I would move on.

 

By 2-3 months of seeing each other once a week, you should be able to tell whether he's very into you or not. My boyfriend was like this at first, slow to want to spend more time together or make it official. But at least he would always text every day and often. And the time we did spend together was always nice.

 

One time when I expressed wanting to spend more time together after a couple months of dating, he too said "i want too much" of his time and wanted to call it off.

 

It may take him some time to trust you and want to be closer with you. But definitely don't wait so long. If he's not making you happy move on already. Not every guy is so slow.

[Gaeta]

Yes, you are right. I really don't know what dating is meant to be like? If after 5/6 dates, he doesn't want a relationship, but still wants to see me until he's sure?

 

What actions should he be doing if he is dating me? When I ask for more contact then it's classed as needy/clingy. A relationship in my eyes is a daily commitment, where it is even just calls/text and not a weekend thing.

 

Is this the same guy you posted about on January 20th ?

 

I did not say he should want a relationship after 5-6 dates but I said he should know if he wants to keep on seeing you only and not other women. Being in an official relationship and introducing family and friends takes more time but if a man is still online after 6 dates and he doesn't want to delete his profile to just date you then dump him.

 

A rule of thumbs. It's ok to date 1 X week for 4-6 weeks then you need to escalate that to 2-3 times a week. Then by 3 months you should spend a weekend together once in a while + your dates. Yes a man that likes you, really likes you, will contact you daily.

 

There are all types of dating. You have to pick what type of dating you want. I want a man to see me often and to contact me daily and I have searched till I found him. Some men don't like being in contact and they just want 1 date a week, those men I don't date them.

 

You don't need experience, you just need to know exactly what you want and not settle for less.

[stillafool]

 

What actions should he be doing if he is dating me? When I ask for more contact then it's classed as needy/clingy. A relationship in my eyes is a daily commitment, where it is even just calls/text and not a weekend thing.

 

A man who wants you will contact you often and will not see you as needy/clingy. He will want you to need him and cling to him. One way to know if they really want you is to let them pursue you. If they contact you often between the 5-6 dates (which is plenty of time to know) then it's a go, if not, move on to the next one. I might add that unless it's love at first sight it does take time to know if you like a person enough to want more.

[Gaeta]

I've been dating older men. They have all been 35-39 years old.

How old are you?

[karly85]

You shouldnt let it go on that long with you initiating/doing all the work for 6+ months. If after 2-3 months he is still this way I would move on.

 

By 2-3 months of seeing each other once a week, you should be able to tell whether he's very into you or not. My boyfriend was like this at first, slow to want to spend more time together or make it official. But at least he would always text every day and often. And the time we did spend together was always nice.

 

One time when I expressed wanting to spend more time together after a couple months of dating, he too said "i want too much" of his time and wanted to call it off.

 

It may take him some time to trust you and want to be closer with you. But definitely don't wait so long. If he's not making you happy move on already. Not every guy is so slow.

 

Thank you. What happened with your boyfriend? At what sort if time period did you express your concern? And did he change and see you more?

[karly85]

How old are you?

 

I am 31...

[karly85]

Is this the same guy you posted about on January 20th ?

 

I did not say he should want a relationship after 5-6 dates but I said he should know if he wants to keep on seeing you only and not other women. Being in an official relationship and introducing family and friends takes more time but if a man is still online after 6 dates and he doesn't want to delete his profile to just date you then dump him.

 

A rule of thumbs. It's ok to date 1 X week for 4-6 weeks then you need to escalate that to 2-3 times a week. Then by 3 months you should spend a weekend together once in a while + your dates. Yes a man that likes you, really likes you, will contact you daily.

 

There are all types of dating. You have to pick what type of dating you want. I want a man to see me often and to contact me daily and I have searched till I found him. Some men don't like being in contact and they just want 1 date a week, those men I don't date them.

 

You don't need experience, you just need to know exactly what you want and not settle for less.

 

I think I posted in feb. Yes, the men I have dated have only been seeing me. Or that is what I was led to believe. I think seeing someone 1x a week for 6+ months doesn't not let you learn about that person.

 

Seeing someone for a small amount of time is not enough for me to know what they are like or learn about them.

 

That is why I want to see the person more, to find out if we are compatible or not. Yes, I made a mistake. If after 2/3 months, the other person is not willing to see me more than 1x a week then I should have left. I let myself down by putting up with that. I guess in essence it was just easier to stay with someone familiar than try to meet a new person which can be daunting.

[kendahke]

Yes, you are right. I really don't know what dating is meant to be like? If after 5/6 dates, he doesn't want a relationship, but still wants to see me until he's sure?

 

Have you been having sex with him by the 5/6th date and he's talking about being unsure? Are you attempting to sex him into a relationship? That doesn't work especially if his interest isn't sufficient for him to pursue without you having to prompt him. Neither does hanging out at his place all the time. Of course he'll take the sex without reciprocating what you're looking for because there is no incentive for him to reciprocate.

 

If you've had a talk with him about what you want and he's not delivering, then you end it and quit sacrificing your self esteem on his altar of indifference/ambivalence. This is an unforced error on your part.

 

What actions should he be doing if he is dating me? When I ask for more contact then it's classed as needy/clingy. A relationship in my eyes is a daily commitment, where it is even just calls/text and not a weekend thing.

 

And apparently, a relationship in his eyes isn't any of that. This is textbook incompatibility.

 

He has to first want to pursue you. You're making it way too easy by always being in his space, making yourself too available too early on. Seriously. He doesn't have to break a sweat pursuing you because you're doing all of the heavy lifting here. Let him come to you *if* he has the interest. You can't make a man have interest in a full on relationship if he has none--that's the first truth you need to get with here.

 

If you want to have a serious relationship with a guy, then don't behave like a FWB. There comes a time when you have to stand sentry to your boundaries--you can't leave that job to anyone else but yourself. He also has the same amount of rights to not want to be in a committed relationship if he doesn't want that with you... and from what you've written here, he's making that abundantly clear through his actions.

[Gaeta]

I think I posted in feb. Yes, the men I have dated have only been seeing me. Or that is what I was led to believe. I think seeing someone 1x a week for 6+ months doesn't not let you learn about that person.

 

Seeing someone for a small amount of time is not enough for me to know what they are like or learn about them.

 

That is why I want to see the person more, to find out if we are compatible or not. Yes, I made a mistake. If after 2/3 months, the other person is not willing to see me more than 1x a week then I should have left. I let myself down by putting up with that. I guess in essence it was just easier to stay with someone familiar than try to meet a new person which can be daunting.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Many of us did that mistake and we learn from it.

 

At 31, and men around 38-39 years old do not need 2-3 months to know if they like you. They know pretty fast if they want to date you and a man that really wants to date you will want to see you 2 times a week from the start, he will not let 3 months go by with 1 date a week.

 

When a man really likes you he will never make you guess. You will never wonder 'does he like me'. He will contact you and he will want to see you.

[kendahke]

Don't beat yourself up. Many of us did that mistake and we learn from it.

 

At 31, and men around 38-39 years old do not need 2-3 months to know if they like you. They know pretty fast if they want to date you and a man that really wants to date you will want to see you 2 times a week from the start, he will not let 3 months go by with 1 date a week.

 

When a man really likes you he will never make you guess. You will never wonder 'does he like me'. He will contact you and he will want to see you.

 

^^^^^100%

Yep. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn for one who struggles with self esteem issues. I've run this gauntlet in my youth. It didn't work then and it doesn't work now.

[karly85]

A man who wants you will contact you often and will not see you as needy/clingy. He will want you to need him and cling to him. One way to know if they really want you is to let them pursue you. If they contact you often between the 5-6 dates (which is plenty of time to know) then it's a go, if not, move on to the next one. I might add that unless it's love at first sight it does take time to know if you like a person enough to want more.

 

Hi. We would have contact but it was small talk. It felt like he was keeping up the contact during the week to lead up to the weekend, when we would see each other. I think he knew if he didn't speak to me during the week that I most likely wouldn't see him on the Saturday night.

 

When I made it clear that I wasn't willing to carry on seeing him on a Saturday night unless things change, he slowly withdrew. He started texting me less and less each day until it just stopped one day.

 

I think he did that because he knew he wouldn't be "hooking up" with me so there was no need to speak to me then.

[d0nnivain]

Yes, you are right. I really don't know what dating is meant to be like? If after 5/6 dates, he doesn't want a relationship, but still wants to see me until he's sure?

 

What actions should he be doing if he is dating me? When I ask for more contact then it's classed as needy/clingy. A relationship in my eyes is a daily commitment, where it is even just calls/text and not a weekend thing.

 

 

5/6 dates is at most 5 - 6 weeks. It's probably more like 3 weeks. So it's too early to ask for a commitment IMO. That discussion comes no earlier than 12 dates / 2 months in. Yes those are artificial #s but you have to have a standard that works for you; that was mine. It did have flexibility but to me anybody who wants to talk about exclusivity & commitment too early feels overwhelming to me.

 

 

A man who wants to date you will make an effort to see you. He will call you. He will plan more than 1 date per week. He will be happy when you initiate with him.

 

 

Also if your goal is a committed relationship, perhaps refrain from sex until you get exclusivity. A man who only wants sex will disappear quickly. A guy who is willing to court you & romance you into a meaningful relationship will act accordingly.

 

 

 

I wanted daily contact which was calls/text at around the two month mark of seeing each other. Because I only saw him 1x per week, I did want to speak and hear from him more at and after the 2 month mark.

 

 

I like a lot of space so I may not be the best person to answer you but when dating I couldn't handle daily contact earlier than 90 days in. Anybody who needed to bug me everyday made me wonder if they had anything else going on in their lives.

 

 

My 2 months I could handle 2-3 dates per week & a call in there . . . maybe an e-mail or text but you can't force that connection that only develops over time.

 

 

You build up to daily contact. First 1 date & 1-2 phone calls. Then 2 dates. Then 3.

 

 

I actually don't think I had daily contact with my husband until he moved in 3 months before our wedding.

[karly85]

Have you been having sex with him by the 5/6th date and he's talking about being unsure? Are you attempting to sex him into a relationship? That doesn't work especially if his interest isn't sufficient for him to pursue without you having to prompt him. Neither does hanging out at his place all the time. Of course he'll take the sex without reciprocating what you're looking for because there is no incentive for him to reciprocate.

 

If you've had a talk with him about what you want and he's not delivering, then you end it and quit sacrificing your self esteem on his altar of indifference/ambivalence. This is an unforced error on your part.

 

 

 

And apparently, a relationship in his eyes isn't any of that. This is textbook incompatibility.

 

He has to first want to pursue you. You're making it way too easy by always being in his space, making yourself too available too early on. Seriously. He doesn't have to break a sweat pursuing you because you're doing all of the heavy lifting here. Let him come to you *if* he has the interest. You can't make a man have interest in a full on relationship if he has none--that's the first truth you need to get with here.

 

If you want to have a serious relationship with a guy, then don't behave like a FWB. There comes a time when you have to stand sentry to your boundaries--you can't leave that job to anyone else but yourself. He also has the same amount of rights to not want to be in a committed relationship if he doesn't want that with you... and from what you've written here, he's making that abundantly clear through his actions.

 

We slept together on the 6 date- he told me on the 4th date that he didn't want to see anyone else and was only interested in seeing me.

 

As time went on, nothing was changing. He was only seeing me 1x a week. I didn't want to force anything upon him so I carried on. However I felt I still didn't know much about him. As time was going on, I was investing myself into someone I really knew nothing about. The few hours I'd see him for was just pleasant. He was on his best behaviour as was I. This is why I wanted to see him more.

 

Texts and calls are different to being around someone in real life. I have learnt from this now. Next time if a man using not willing to invest in me then I will walk.

[Telemachus]

There's nothing odd or wrong with one person wanting more frequent or specific contact than the other does. Nothing wrong with other person, but it is a clear indicator of a lack of compatibility.

 

If you want and expect a trip together to Rome, Paris, or Barcelona every summer, and his limit is nothing more than a rented cabin at the lake 60 miles away to fish and drink beer, then you either work out this glaring discrepancy in a pleasant way, or you should go your separate ways. You have relationship dealbreakers that you decline for too long to enforce, to your own detriment.

 

As others have observed, your biggest repeated error seems to be continuing in a mismatch past you point of tolerable pain, and hoping it will change.

 

To answer your original question about the purpose of dating, it's historical and traditional purpose is very specific: it's to find a marriage partner, in the absence of a pervasive culture of arranged marriages. That's why it makes little sense for parents to allow their children to begin romantic dating with schoolmates or neighborhood acquaintances (these days also people met online) at age 12 or 13. No marriage or lifelong partnership is going to come out of that kind of date, and accidental pregnancy poses a huge problem at that age.

 

I mention arranged marriages, because people who expect from an early age that their parents will arrange marriages for them don't have any reason to date, and places in which arranged marriages are the rule generally have no dating culture.

[CloudyHead]

Here is my two cents. I think you need to take a step back, try to rein in your feelings and watch the guy. I read an article about "mirroring" which means you do what the guy does. If he texts, you text back. If he calls you, you call him back. In my opinion, men reveal their feelings in their efforts and not words. Most men I interact with don't talk about their feelings so you pay attention to how they act.

 

I applied this concept to dating last year. I met a guy who I really liked. Initially, I contacted him on a dating site. I contacted him once a month for about four months - just random comments about his photos. I dated other men. He finally responded and we met for a date. It went well. I admit I was smitten. But, I didn't let him know. After that initial date, I let him contact me. I decided that if he wanted to go on a second date, I would wait for him to ask him. I continued to date other men. I think our second date was a month later. Now, it's been eight months and we have the label of "boyfriend/girlfriend". However, I still let him initiate contact. He texts me first every day (and I respond). He calls me every day (and I answer).

 

I think you need to let the men initiate and keep your feelings in check. Don't rush into anything.