Awkwardness with ex and her friend at work

[BryanSmiley]

Apart from a 4 year relationship in my early 20’s, I’ve had quite a lot of relationships which last around 4 months then fizzled out, and I’m starting to wonder if there’s anything more to this. I’ve come to terms with most of my prior relationships and am fairly content that they weren’t quite right for me. But then there may be an element of over convincing ourselves of that to make the breakups easier.

 

Most recently I was seeing a girl whom works on another floor where I work. There was always an attraction since April of last year, but I was dating someone, and when I asked a co-worker who she was he said he was ‘half dating’ her so I left it alone. I mentioned to her female best friend at work that I’d heard they were dating, word got this girl and she then reached out to me on private message around September time, that she definitely was only friends with the guy.

 

So we went on some dates, were quickly physical due to a build-up of attraction, it was going well. She is Greek and whilst fairly fluent in English there’s been some mis-communications along the line. Things were going well for a month when she messaged saying she felt unstable with her work, where she’d end up living (London/back in Greece) and couldn’t commit. After a few weeks we met and resolved this and I agreed to not come on as strong (perhaps I had a little but not much different to her). She was open to remaining in or around the area close enough that the relationship had a chance.

 

This breakup cycle has repeated a few times since, her citing similar reasons, but also rowing and flipping out over what I wouldn’t perceive to be major issues. It’s almost as if she had a general tendency to freak out and find issues rather than pragmatically, emotionally maturely work through things. These include the labelling, commitment issues she has (more major but these lessened over time) keeping the relationship secret from most people at work due to her concerns of gossip and our mutual guy friend knowing. She didn’t like feeling like she had to contact me every day which I took on board. However I recall seeing her one morning and saying to her I hope you feel better. She then messaged me that evening saying where are you, why didn’t you ask how I was feeling knowing I was ill. It was in complete contrary to saying she doesn’t necessarily like so much contact of that kind of chasing behaviour from me. I explained that and that I’d already said hope you feel better that morning, but I had to steer her around from being so irrational and from breaking up again.

 

This kind of thing happened a further couple of times, almost every few weeks but we turned corners and things would improve slightly each time, which was re-assuring. But it did often feel like something going great that could often skid of course depending on her. We had become very close the past month, her helping me clean a house I’d moved into, me helping her apply for jobs. She had talked of wanting to go on weekend trips. Had met my mother, wanted her cat to stay with us for a week. Last Wednesday I picked her up and brought her round mine, she had gotten me food, and we had a first nice evening in my new house where I thanked her for her help and we looked forwards to enjoying the fruits of the labour of working on the house. We had a very passionate night, champagne in the bath, all sorts. She fell asleep hugging me tightly. Come the morning it was like an entirely different person, she was grumpy, tired, off with me. I smacked her bum jokingly to lighten the mood which it did, she did the same back. I dropped her off near work (to avoid being seen) and she kissed me goodbye. We had a brief chat on our work messenger, more helping her with an English sentence work wise. That evening I was on a works leaving do and messaged her about 9:30 to say I’m near hers and could come round. She seemed open to the idea but then said actually it’s late maybe not. I pointed out she sometimes didn’t meet me until after 10pm so this was a little odd. She then blew up and said your often making me feel bad for not meeting and I want to get into a routine. Proceeded to say I can’t do this, the commitment, were different characters and it’s best we stop. We had a half an hour fairly dramatic skype call whereby this time she really seemed to insist it was over.

 

We talked in person the Sunday just gone and whilst it gave us both some closure, I still have difficulty coming to terms with it all. She said she couldn’t always, and wouldn’t always feel like spending so much time with me and needed her space. Even though she’d just spent the weekend alone, finding living in the area boring. She messaged me after I left saying she wanted to kiss and hug me but isn’t sure, can’t commit so doesn’t want to hurt us both more. She’s said no contact is best and she avoids my floor at work now. I find it hard hearing her talk on the phone to her close female friend at work, and had the first awkward passing ‘Hi’ with her yesterday. I’d be really interested as to peoples take and advice on the situation.

[Telemachus]

Workplace romances are common and understandable, but ultimately a bad idea. If you must date through work, it's better to connect with a friend of a co-worker, and not an actual co-worker. The obvious problem is that almost all relationships end, and many end badly. Even those that end well, which aren't many, still require you to see this person regularly, maybe every single day, following the breakup. It's also unhealthy, because other co-workers tend to see one or the other as victim or villain, take sides, and the whole thing poisons the work environment and often the careers of at least one of the pair involved.

 

This relationship does not seem to be a healthy one, and it seems to be over anyway. Put it in your past, and take this as a lesson about having a romantic relationship with a co-worker.

 

As to other relationships not lasting for more than months or a few years, and the question "is it you or them?", the answer is "yes." It's you or them, likely both. Life-long relationships, other than arranged marriages, are fairly rare these days. It isn't a 50-50 proposition, in which each person contributes half of what it takes to stay together successfully. No, it's a 100-100 proposition, in which each person has to give himself and herself completely. Most people won't make that effort, and it takes both. Very rare indeed.

 

Falling in love is exceptionally easy. People do it all the time. They also fall out of love just as easily. Doing what it takes to stay in love for 50 or 60 years is another matter entirely.

[preraph]

It's either one of two things, or both. Either she isn't as into you as you are her, OR she simply needs more space and doesn't like to fill all her time and needs alone time or free time, whatever. Or both.

 

I suspect it's a combination of both, but with the main issue being she simply requires more space than you want. I am someone who has to have space, too. Seeing someone once or twice a week when I was young was enough, but I liked to have the plan laid out so I wasn't wondering if he would call or not, which would ruin my mood.

 

People are sometimes just not a good match in that way, sadly. But there are women who like a full-on relationship, though you have to be prepared because if they get a serious job or have kids, necessity will intervene and at some point you will have to get used to not always having them at your beck and call.

[Maldives]

Workplace romances are common and understandable, but ultimately a bad idea. If you must date through work, it's better to connect with a friend of a co-worker, and not an actual co-worker. The obvious problem is that almost all relationships end, and many end badly. Even those that end well, which aren't many, still require you to see this person regularly, maybe every single day, following the breakup. It's also unhealthy, because other co-workers tend to see one or the other as victim or villain, take sides, and the whole thing poisons the work environment and often the careers of at least one of the pair involved.

 

This relationship does not seem to be a healthy one, and it seems to be over anyway. Put it in your past, and take this as a lesson about having a romantic relationship with a co-worker.

 

As to other relationships not lasting for more than months or a few years, and the question "is it you or them?", the answer is "yes." It's you or them, likely both. Life-long relationships, other than arranged marriages, are fairly rare these days. It isn't a 50-50 proposition, in which each person contributes half of what it takes to stay together successfully. No, it's a 100-100 proposition, in which each person has to give himself and herself completely. Most people won't make that effort, and it takes both. Very rare indeed.

 

Falling in love is exceptionally easy. People do it all the time. They also fall out of love just as easily. Doing what it takes to stay in love for 50 or 60 years is another matter entirely.

 

Man so true me n my ex work together it's a nightmare and painful we were together 6 yrs met at work I got another job intestate she followed a few later same company bad idea working together finally management approved me sitting at the other end but now want something writing from a councillor to support this is crazy otherwise I have to sit right next her literally next to her t2am it's painful seeing guys go up to her and over hear there plans for the evening now I'm faced with a dilemma if i have to jump hoops for management frigging crazy

[BryanSmiley]

Wise words above, appreciated. There’s another office romance which is a lot more open and seems to work well. I often wonder whether it was healthier keeping it quiet apart from a couple of close work friends, or whether her paranoia here carried warning signs. Again probably a mix of the both but she’s a very private person generally.

 

She’s on another floor and our work directions are further apart so we said we’d maybe only see each other passing by once a week. She is avoiding me for both our sakes, which I find hard as she’s sneaks off to meet someone whom sits opposite me.

 

I think I’m an old fashioned sucker for love even at 33. But I decided some time back that although more in society take a view of ‘relationships come and go’, I tend to think it leads us to give up too easily and undervalue what we have. This on a generic level hurts but this particular breakup has ripped apart some peace and confidence I’d built - given how seemingly easily she’s been willing to quit on me on more than one occasion. When I think back to those mini episodes/breakups - maybe half I couldn’t be blamed much at all for. So ultimately I have to accept that this cycle may never have been totally broken.

 

What I find quite emasculating is how close she was also wanting to get to me, my life, in actions, but in words at times would always be just short of committing. This has made me question my worth with the manner in which one night she’s deeply intimate with me, holding me tight, and literally the next day is distant and cold . It really doesn’t sit right on my mind.

 

A week on I’m finding it haunting my mind more not less, despite having good family/friend support. Last night it affected my sleep, I awoke from a dream in which we were in an awkward work situation looking at each other a lot almost wondering about each other. I couldn’t sleep and found myself unable to shake off the thoughts until I checked out some messages we’d exchanged days before her breakup whereby she was talking so positively, intimately, and about plans. I’m finding no contact terribly hard and am not totally convinced it’s helping. We’ve been able to openly rationalise before which helped make sense of it all. I can feel her presence nearby at work anyway, her being on the phone and work messenger constantly to the girl opposite me.

Edited March 3, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[Nightstick008]

Just browsing and noticed she did the same to you as my recent love did to me. We had a whirlwind romance. She was able to melt my heart quickly. I took her negatives and was able to measure them up with my positives.

 

It didn't take but six months for things to seem to be going great. I met her she met mine. Everyone liked each other and I was happy.

 

A short couple weeks ago I'm told she needed space and that I had hurt her by comparing her to my ex wife as well as doubting her love. I had no idea what I had done.

 

I've given her space by unfriending her on the face book and have started a no contact policy. Personally I hate it and miss her dearly. I took advice from other people here in the shack. So hopefully my foolishness works and she does reach back out to me.

 

I wish I could give you advise but I'll be damned if I suggest that no contact. I am a little better than wondering constantly and then reaching out to her like a stalker.

[BryanSmiley]

I had a fairly positive weekend after taking in lots of advice on the forums here, watching some videos by askcraig.net. I’ve been trying to force my thought train in more positive directions. I hung out with friends, and slept with an old F buddy. Unsure whether this has helped take my mind of things or make it worse. The act itself reminded me of intimacy with the ex and how much better, more meaningful it was.

 

This morning I drove past her and the mutual friend driving into work. It’s almost like any progress instantly moved 2 steps back and it all felt very much ‘around me’ again. I know they’d have had a conversation about having just seen me. It dents my pride, but continues to astonish me how close someone can be one day, to the next saying it’s best we don’t have contact.

 

I am really struggling with the no contact. I’ve reached out once alone a couple of days after the breakup to have a light hearted brief chat, she said perhaps it’s best we have no contact now, I just said we can’t avoid each other entirely and need to be at somewhat ease around each other at work, and to contact me if she doubts her decision like she said she likely would.

 

As it stands there is an awkwardness at work, she avoids me which may help a little, but it also hurts. I don’t think she’d reach out if she did have significant doubts, or would initiate any kind of contact to maintain a reasonable enough co-existence at work. So I’m still left feeling like it is on me if I want any chance of reconciliation, or a less tense co-existence at work.

Edited March 7, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[BryanSmiley]

I posted a thread a few days back, essentially I'd being seeing a girl from my work on/off for about 4-5 months. Things would go well then she'd freak out and say she can't commit to a relationship or give as much back. We worked through the issues mostly but the most recent occasion it is pretty final.

 

The whole experience has and is causing me great anxiety, largely because I pass her at work, and work opposite her best friend (whose moving to her floor in a few weeks at least).

 

The latest is its pretty awkward at work, we pass or see each other around most says, at most exchange fairly plain "Hi's". I'm astounded how heartless she's being despite during the amicable breakup discussion in person her saying she felt she would likely wonder if it was the right decision and was sad about it all. After a couple of days of the breakup I messaged her casually as she was very stressed with a work situation. It was light hearted and okay, but before I had the chance to say something similar 20 mins in, she said perhaps its best we don't talk. I said well we have to see each-other at work, but yes this was a light hearted post convo to say lets be civil, and if you change your mind, contact me.

 

I deleted her number, all whatsapp's, Facebook Messenger history (which I also blocked her on so to not see her in my 'Active list'.

 

I've had a bit of a bad spell the last few days as she's been around me at work alot and seems to be just fine. I unblocked her on Facebook Messenger in-case she took my blocking the wrong way. I've noticed I think she may well have blocked me (perhaps on realising) not only that but her best friend whom I'm friendly with sitting opposite me, also seems to have blocked me on Facebook messenger (we'd never talked on there though).

 

The latter I find especially humiliating, as it shows beyond them meeting in secret, my ex has obviously said enough about it all for the friend to block me to avoid any possibility of being dragged into it. Now the entire time I never once did that, wouldn't, and have always remained cool with the friend.

 

I imagine the advice will be to ignore both of them and do nothing but this has really left me feeling like I should say something to one or both of them. For it to be like this is ridiculous and humiliating for me.

Edited March 10, 2017 by BryanSmiley

[kgcolonel]

Bryan, nope, say nothing....all the "game playing" is to play you. You need to rise above this and ignore both of them. If you see them greet them with a friendly "hi" and move on. If you come upon them socially, steer clear and if you are unable able to avoid them socially, greet with a friendly "hi" and excuse yourself to freshen your beverage or move to a different conversation.

 

If you respond in any way, you will appear as clingy and needy and you don't want that now.....they have drawn a line, don't give them the satisfaction of crossing the line.

[BryanSmiley]

Thanks kgcolonel. Slight update today, she came to her friends desk and was poking around in her bag, we exchanged polite hello's. Small bit of chit chat. After she left she messaged saying sorry I've been around more this week. I said it's fine, I'll be cool. Mentioned the blocking, she denied it (I can't be sure). Then I just said ok, but unless you have doubts and want to talk, probably best not to contact me. She said that's fine, I respect you.

 

I've deleted the chat and her number again. Think that might be it now.

[BryanSmiley]

Whilst there is undoubtedly alot of credence to going NC I must say it's not always so black and white.

 

In my scenario I had and have to keep seeing the ex at work. I had gone NC for 2 weeks (apart from awkward hi's at work) and from the distance mostly came to realise perhaps she wasn't right for me or vice versa.

 

We met last night to talk over things openly which answered alot of questions, and overall the dialogue leading upto the meet and during helped, dissipated some negative emotions and put things at ease.

 

Now, not all rosey as we became cuddly and flirty, then rowed about still.. she didn't think she could commit.

 

I took control and said it was mostly a helpful evening but I'm tired of hearing some of her confused thoughts and I'll drop you home now. Then some post messages of firm but well wishing pleasantries. After that, I felt the best i had about the whole thing over weeks. I should have left it just here.

 

I foolishly followed up with a msg today of I've deleted your number, mostly helpful evening sorry it ended bad. It enabled her to follow up with a msg of yes let's not contact like you say, something was missing, etc. It damped perhaps what was the best closure I'd achieved the previous night, perhaps largely due to the tone and giving her the last word, losing a bit of..power. Still overall I feel better about the whole thing than had I maintained full NC.

[Sweetfish]

Whilst there is undoubtedly alot of credence to going NC I must say it's not always so black and white.

 

In my scenario I had and have to keep seeing the ex at work. I had gone NC for 2 weeks (apart from awkward hi's at work) and from the distance mostly came to realise perhaps she wasn't right for me or vice versa.

 

We met last night to talk over things openly which answered alot of questions, and overall the dialogue leading upto the meet and during helped, dissipated some negative emotions and put things at ease.

 

Now, not all rosey as we became cuddly and flirty, then rowed about still.. she didn't think she could commit.

 

I took control and said it was mostly a helpful evening but I'm tired of hearing some of her confused thoughts and I'll drop you home now. Then some post messages of firm but well wishing pleasantries. After that, I felt the best i had about the whole thing over weeks. I should have left it just here.

 

I foolishly followed up with a msg today of I've deleted your number, mostly helpful evening sorry it ended bad. It enabled her to follow up with a msg of yes let's not contact like you say, something was missing, etc. It damped perhaps what was the best closure I'd achieved the previous night, perhaps largely due to the tone and giving her the last word, losing a bit of..power. Still overall I feel better about the whole thing than had I maintained full NC.

 

 

Its pretty clear what N.C.is and you broke N.C.

 

You say you took control... but you didn't.

 

Your in a tennis match of power and words.

 

That is not N.C.

 

If she wants to act weird at work... thats on her.

If she wants to say hi... just say Hi back.

 

Looks like you tried to take paddles to the relationship. Thats not your job... specially if your a dumpee... don't ever chase the dumper... ever

 

Why? Because you never know the state of the dumper... you have no clue if they are happy, sad, playing the field, looking for better (gigs).

 

You took the cuddly and flirting as a green light. In reality she was testing if YOU had feeling for her and you took the bait.

[Altair0770]

Unfortunately if you see her at work you need to be in LC. My advice would be try your best to limit contact as much as possible to the point its essentially no contact.

 

Unfortunately people take no contact as in you just don't contact the person. No. What is means is that you don't contact the person and do your best to never see them ever. Never hear about them. Never hear from them. It means you don't ever have any contact in them. Not just communication. It's contact as in you run into something. You made contact. If you run into a message of hers, or a picture, or a status update, you contacted them.

 

Breakups are a roller coaster. It's good you got closure, but if you want reconciliation that "good feeling" really was just delaying that reconciliation if at all possible.

 

As the poster above said, never chase a dumper. You gain power by becoming a better person, and showing you don't need that person in your life and you are better off without them - truthfully. Then when they come crawling back, it's your decision if you want to take them back or not. THAT is gaining power.

 

My advice would be to focus on you. Especially since she sees you at work. Ignore her. Don't worry about what she's doing. Don't analyze if she's checking you out or tries talking to you. Set a goal for yourself. GHit the gym, get new clothes and do what makes you happy. When she sees that you're genuinely happy, and not faking it, you have the best chance at reconciliation.

[BryanSmiley]

I do agree with the above in many ways I just don’t think it’s always so black/white that’s all I’m saying. Not only will I continue to see her at work occasionally (she was behind me in the canteen queue yesterday, would be worse to ignore totally) but I’ll also have to see her in the gym for 2 weeks. So something needed to give in what was an awkward tense vibe there. She wasn’t mature enough to alleviate the situation. I can’t deny I had small hopes for reconciliation but the meeting by and large further helped me understand what went wrong and why we aren’t so compatible (also that there’s a lot of confusion on her side not a result of my behaviours by and large). So this in itself did help my mindset compared to before.

 

The cuddling and mentions of possible reconciliation may have confused things yes. But essentially the only step back from this point was me not being disciplined enough not to try to progress the cuddling, but even then the post meet few texts were the perfect mood/tone of pleasantries & small talk that we’ll have to occasionally do anyway.

 

It was my message the next day that dampened what I genuinely think was a better point to stop messaging, saying “I’ve deleted your number, was a okay helpful evening mostly but we’ll limit contact as much as possible”. That was needless and was admittedly a step back.

 

Still overall I think I feel better for tackling the vacuum of pressure given we can’t avoid each other totally, understanding the various reasons better, my seeing why it couldn’t work more clearly, and generally still slightly better closure. Plus perhaps there’s an element of eradicating any possibility of reconciliation which is probably best, as previously there was always a slight hope no matter how wrong to.

[breadbin]

I agree, its never as black and white as just NC. I work with my ex too and I feel I can't just ignore her. I feel like I have to be somehow friendly but I promise myself now I won't be. If she texts me out of work I won't reply. I can see it causing hassle in work though down the line. That's always at the back of my mind. I have to be somehow professional at the same time as being an emotional wreck!

 

At the minute like a previous poster said you're in a tennis match of power and your real power will come when you get out of that match. I believe all the advice and threads on this website about this very same thing. Your power comes when you walk away and you don't need her in your life. She will see this aswell and then months down the line if you want to take her back then you can choose. I had enough of the tennis match a couple of weeks ago and I told her not to text me anymore. It was hard for me to do because I am still madly in love with this girl and it felt like I was giving up. That night though I felt the best I ever felt and she made the biggest attempt to get me back. She went back on it after that but when I went back to texting and taking the breadcrumbs we are back to square one.

 

I can relate to the awkward hellos in work. Its horrible because its like the two of you are in an arena for all your colleagues to watch the tennis match! Every decision you make you can feel like what will this person think of me if I do this and that etc. I'm afraid that she will start spreading rumours or cause hassle if I ignore her. One of my friends in work told me don't be on my own with her if she is working. I laughed at her when she said that because i couldn't believe it happening but it can turn ugly very quick. It's a difficult situation.

[BryanSmiley]

Really resonate with that post breadbin, really re-assuring to hear someone in quite a similar position as me. It’s more an interesting retrospective psychological aspect for me now, and less emotive than it was prior. That having been mature and confronted the situation, issues, how we need to be cool at work, told her we’ll not have much contact, it was empowering and reducing the tension of the situation. This of course wasn’t on me to do as the dumpee but I didn’t feel she had the maturity to handle it as-aswell and I feel in some ways I’ve risen to the challenge in the interests of both feeling less strain at work.

 

I can’t deny at points I’ve held out some hope for reconciliation but the dialogue has helped even with that not having happened, it’s a more natural outcome and landing. It feels in the past and covered off, no un-tied ends. It still won’t be pleasant seeing her in the gym the next 2 weeks, or work a couple of times per week, but having not gone hard NC beyond the 2 weeks, and done the above – it’s a heck of a lot better.

 

Hard NC becomes a little more grey in certain situations I feel, such as working together, same friend groups, house or children together, resolving misunderstandings whether it be for reconciliation or just healthier necessary plutonic relations thereafter, or a more natural closure.

 

Not taking away that NC works in a lot of situations. It just seems to me the boards can be a little too black/white on the application.

[BryanSmiley]

I may as-well post an update in the same thread. So doing a bit better of late, but a mixed bag. Been on a couple of dates which were on the whole good confidence boosters. I realised I could drag myself out of the gloomy and grey persona when really required. This is encouraging because at times you just feel like all appetite for fun has been sapped from you. I haven't pursued anything post a few dates as I wasn't sensing relationship potential. Interestingly I paid extra focus on behaving considerately and was still accused by one lady of only being after one thing. I politely said if that were true I would have continued until I got it, and just called time after a few dates to be fair to both. Ironic given the prolonged messing around I experienced for 6ish months with the ex.

 

In terms of on that front I see the ex about once a week in/around work now. Any warmth in the mutual hello's is fading each time so it's kind've awkward. At times I consider an extra pleasantry, or the opposite end of the spectrum ignoring her. Today I just lightly smiled as she did, that was that. A couple of other interesting things happened which are more just insightful/curious. One being I went to lunch with a work friend whom happened to be female. The ex saw us from afar and couldn't stop looking over. It's conceivable given there's not many girls, let along pretty ones where I work – she’d think something could be going on. She always said she wouldn't want to know if I were. I've not really considered messaging her to clarify to be considerate. Today she visited a neighboring work desk and as she's done for like the past year, sat in a position I generally can't see her – and my work friend noticed she was sneakily looking at me just as before. Weird given her attitude in many ways overall became progressively cold.

 

I've held strong on NC for about a month now having BU 6 weeks ago, even though part of me wants her back still. But I'm trying to avoid anything to do with it. I just find it interesting in the break-up psychology - that NC, avoiding, not saying much when passing, her seeing me with a girl, inviting some of our work friends to my birthday/house warming but not her. Obviously these things detract from her psychological sense of power in the situation and she doesn’t like to let on. It’s not really intentional so much, and I wouldn’t want a back/forth to develop.