ScoffLaw Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 I am so discouraged. My boyfriend and I broke up "mutually" the week between Christmas and New Year's. Even though it's been 7 months, I still feel like I'm not really accepting this situation. I say "mutually" in quotes because I agreed at the time that we should break up, but now that time has given me the opportunity to think about it, I feel like the problems he cited as a reason were just an excuse. The real reason isn't any better though, and in fact, it makes me really angry. We had a long distance relationship for four years (we knew each other almost five). We stayed in touch during the week mostly through avalanches of emails (later we had a blog together that we'd post on a billion times a day), some phone calls, and most weekends I'd either take the train to his town, or he'd drive here (about a 2 hr drive) and stay over. We loved each other like we'd never loved anyone else. The sex was outstanding (I'll be shocked if I ever have sex that good again). We spent holidays together. We went to weddings, gave Christmas gifts to each other's families, hardly ever fought (except about politics!), celebrated births in our families, mourned the deaths of beloved pets (I buried my cat at his parents' place), and generally did all the things couples do...except move in together. That was the sticking point, because I'm a big-city person, whereas he would live in the middle of the woods beside a lake with nobody around for miles and just build canoes, if he could. I think this is the real reason he wanted to break up. Even though I was willing to meet him halfway by maintaining two households with him. What guy wouldn't kill for a woman willing to give him so much space, yet remain totally committed to him? I'll tell you: THIS guy. Mr-All-Or-Nothing. But his SPOKEN reason for breaking up was that we'd been having communication problems. It's true, we had been. For example, a few months before the breakup, when I asked him a couple of times while he was at my place on the weekend whether he'd mind if I went out with "just the girls," he lied and said he didn't. So I went out and unbeknownst to me, it DID bug him. And then when we were "agreeing" to break up he turned my actions back on me and said me wanting to go out with others while he was here on the weekends proved I was pulling away from him. When I replied that I just wanted to have a "normal" relationship where it's OK to go out while the other person's around, he that's fine, but we're not a "normal" couple that can see each other all the time or that lives together; we have a long-distance relationship and our time together is limited. He said I deserved more than a "part-time boyfriend." (Translation: "*I* deserve more than a part-time girlfriend. I'm going back to my bass-ackwards town to date a 20-year-old high-school dropout with no front teeth and four children." Bitter? Me? Ha! No, he didn't actually say that, and to give him credit, I'm sure he didn't mean it that way. But if he's going to date closer to home...well, let's just say his town has close to the highest teen pregnancy rate in the country.) Hindsight being 20/20, I realize that the communication problems are the kind of thing that every couple runs into at some point. We never fought in four years; something was bound to come up sometime. It's normal. But what's also normal is for people who love each other to at least TRY to work through their problems together, once they realize what that problem is. But he didn't want to work through it. Instead, he used that ONE low point in our whole long history to weasel out of our logistically inconvenient relationship. That's why I'm mad. And I've been mad for seven months! We met online, at another forum. I was looking for advice about another potential relationship at the time (although I wasn't actually dating the person) and this guy, now my ex, emailed me. Now, I keep going back to that forum to see whether he's been there (he hasn't been since the end of May). It's like I'm obsessed. But because we live so far apart and don't have mutual friends, I can't get any news about him or any idea of how he's handling this. And it's somehow come to be of the utmost importance to me how well (or badly. Please God, let it be BADLY!!) he's dealing with the breakup. I can't not care about it or put it out of my mind! I've broken up with people before, but I've never felt so utterly cut off from them afterward. There was always the chance of running into them or one of their friends, and this somehow made it easier. You could kind of pace your moving on with theirs, you know? Now, because I have no way of seeing how he's doing, I can't move on either! I don't know if what I have said is even comprehensible, but I guess I just needed to vent. I haven't posted on that other forum because everyone there has known the two of us since the beginning and I just can't face telling them about this. They don't even know we've broken up. So thanks for listening.
moon Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 You've taken so much time to jot down all your inner most feelings about this guy and it's been seven months since you broke up. You're not bitter that he broke up with you. You just sound like you miss him. His reasons for breaking up were not that you are a clingy bitch or some other equally painful thing.....so I say give this guy a call and find out how he's doing. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Of course be prepared that he might not return your call or he might answer and tell you about his new full-time girlfriend. Hopefully you can deal with that. But I'd say an e-mail, letter or phone call might be a good thing at this point. But I'd be also prepared for just a casual conversation, maybe ending with a final goodbye. But who knows??
Author ScoffLaw Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 Thanks for reading through all that! I do really, really miss him. I opened up to him like nobody else, and now I feel like I have no one to talk to. Even though I'm surrounded by family. I am really ambivalent about calling (or, more tempting, emailing). All the advice guru-types and all the relationship books (which I sneak peeks at in the bookstores!) tell you NOT to contact the person while you're trying to get over them, because then you'll just get sucked back in, and none of the problems that broke you up are magically going to disappear anyway. Even if I contact him again and all the old feelings are still there between us, that doesn't solve our fundamental problem: we can't live together full-time. The lives we each want are just too different. I was willing to settle (I hate to say that word because it sounds so negative, but I wouldn't have done it grudgingly) for a situation where we would keep a home in the city and a home in the country and I'd split my time working here and going up there whenever possible...maybe even working from there part of the time. I didn't even ask him to split his time between there and here, I would leave it up to him how much or little he wanted to be in the city. Basically, I was willing to bend over backward because I loved him and I thought it would be ridiculous to throw away what we had because of logistics. But I guess he wanted things all one way or nothing at all. It makes me angry that he wouldn't meet me halfway, because it makes me think he didn't love me as much as I thought. Although he said it wasn't a matter of how much he loved me.
moon Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 It's hard to know when to contact the person or not. I went cold turkey with my ex for about eight months. We had one or two e-mails and that was that. I wrote him an e-mail about 8 months after the break up to tell him how the break up had affected me and we started talking non-stop again on the phone for about two weeks. He made most, if not all of the phone calls. I went and visited him (we don't live in the same place) for about four days at the end of the two weeks. After those four days together it was very clear that we are not at a place to continue a relationship. He caused me too much hurt and I just saw so many characteristics of my ex again that I didn't really like. He can be so melodramatic and not calm like I need somebody to be. He's always got some sort of drama in his life. I knew very well that I didn't want to be with him. But the one good thing I did after all that was to be very cool and nice as we left each other. During the time together I actually told him about why I'd stayed with him as long as I had (on/off for three plus years). I left things on an upbeat note. I didn't wallow in the pitty of the situation. I didn't get angry, as I had done months before. I just let it be and you know it's done wonders for me. I don't miss him at all now. I feel like I got my power back. I don't care if he dates anybody else. It's been about a month since I saw him last and I've been better this last month (in regards to him) than I've been in years. He also asked me to get back together with him and I knew that wasn't right. He even said he still thinks about marrying me. But after seeing him I just feel very much at peace with the situation now. I know my ex isn't the guy I want to marry. Sure.....he and I could change and things could work someday maybe, but not at this point. It was very clear to me why things didn't work out between us. So either way, even if you two don't want to hook up again, getting in touch when you are ready can sometimes help. It depends on the guy though. My ex has a hard time totally letting people go. He'll cause pain or take pain, but still come back around later. That's why we stayed together for so long. But that's not what makes a healthy relationship. I totally realize that now. I just want a good relationship and peace of mind at the same time. But going back and seeing him made me feel like I got that "closure." Leaving things in a positive and open ended way felt so much better than the bitterness and anger I had felt for a long time. So either way...........I think the most important part about seeing a guy/girl again who dumped you is to have ZERO expectations. You really have to get yourself to the point where you could take it or leave it. Yeah, I probably wouldn't call if you feel so intoxicated by him (so in love). I think you should do it when you've kind of put the relationship to bed and just sort of wonder how the guy is doing or feel the need to air apologies and regrets. Sometimes it can help. It won't hurt unless you let it. So you probably should have a pretty good feeling that you're strong enough to deal with what ever outcome happens. Good luck.
Author ScoffLaw Posted July 27, 2005 Author Posted July 27, 2005 Yesterday I wrote a letter to him, but I didn't send it. I thought about it, and at first it seemed like it might be a good idea, but I re-read it later and changed my mind (maybe I'll change my mind a few more times!). Reading it over, I think what I'm really trying to do is make him feel bad by pointing out how badly he handled things. Which is not really fair, because I know he wasn't trying to be mean. It's not easy to break up with someone (I've done it badly a few times myself!). So now I'm thinking maybe I'll just leave him alone. But like I said, I might change my mind again...heh. The problem with people in my family is that we're not just content to be right...we need YOU to KNOW we're right. And then we rub it in your face! LOL
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