Altair0770 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Well, been lurking and posting here for a bit so I might as well explain my story. Met a girl online. We connected instantly, but our relationship would have to be long distance. We had so much in common, and our "happily ever after" was near identical. Things started progressing a bit fast when she mentioned kids and who from our gaming community where we met would attend our wedding. I didn't think much of it, but knew she was really into me. As we connected more, she (a virgin) asked if I've had sex. I want an honest relationship, as I'm an honest person. So I said yes. She had a panic attack and told me she... umm... well... was assaulted. I felt terrible, and thought I'd be killing someone in my life because of what they did to her. It stuck in the back of my mind, so I knew she would be cautious. Understandably so. She was a bit shaken up the next couple of days, so I decided to drop the L-bomb. She said she loved me too. After that we made plans to meet in person. The plan was to fly to her place, then fly to my place for about a week. I boarded my plane and felt nervous, but knew this was the start of dreams coming true. Oh boy... I got there, met her. She was adorable. We connected instantly and hung out for the day. I did notice she seemed very, very skinny. She was skinny in her pictures, but seeing her in person I noticed how skinny she actually was. But that wasn't a turnoff. We did speak of kissing, cuddling, and agreed no sex for awhile. Later in the day we went to dinner. Talked for a bit and I noticed her getting a bit more timid and quiet. I was tired from my flight (Red eye) so I wasn't thinking all that straight. But I wanted to have our first kiss somewhere she can go when I'm not there if she's feeling she misses me. So I asked if we could go for a walk. I wanted it to be romantic. I have no idea where to go, as I've never been to that area of the country before. She picked the place, we held hands, and we walked. It was getting dark. It was also in the middle of summer so it was extremely hot, and in a climate I'm not use to. I was sweating a lot. I noticed her hand sweaty too, but felt cold. I stopped to think about kissing her, but she turned around, looking frightened, and tugged my hand. Okay, go to plan B. We finish our walk and get to the hotel I was staying at. She went immediately for the window with the AC. She stood there looking out the window. Since it was so hot, I took off one of my two shirts (still had a shirt on) and took off my socks. I use the restroom and then sit on the bed. She goes to the restroom too, and comes out and sits next to me with her head down. I asked "are you okay?" and she shook her head no. We talked about snuggling together ALL the time, so I asked if she wanted to snuggle. She shook her head no and had a panic attack. I tried to cooperate with her to help her get through it. Asked her questions and did my best to make her feel comfortable. She broke down and said she couldn't come to my place. I said its okay, we'll see how you feel in the morning. Next day she's very distant. Complete opposite of the 1st day. Was crying when she came to greet me at the hotel. We went and hung out, watched a movie at the theater, but every single time seemed very uncomfortable with me. It made me feel uncomfortable. The night time came, and she started to cry and said she can't come back with me. It made me sad, that I started to cry. We went back to my hotel and cried on each others shoulders. This couldn't have gone much worse. Next morning she takes me to the airport 4 hours before my flight. I get home devastated, and confused. Wondering what I did wrong. What about me she didn't like so much that she couldn't come back with me. Was she just nervous about being somewhere new with someone she just met? What was it? This seems so out of the ordinary. 3 months go by, me still not knowing. Did tons of research on anxiety because she said she just has bad anxiety. She started posting things like "i'm so sad" and stuff. Whenever I tried to reach out she would ignore me, and sometimes treat me very bad. I got so bad that I lost 45lbs by not eating, and had anxiety attacks left and right. I loved this woman and she turned into some monster that hated me because I... went there? I'm confused. Eventually I ask for advice, but her telling me that she was abused stuck with me. I didn't tell anyone what happened to her, but I did tell people about symptoms and stuff. It popped into my head... she has PTSD. I approached her about it. Only got "I don't want to talk about it" while she ran from me to other people. Eventually I made it obvious I new. Asked her if she was diagnosed and if I'm a trigger. "not you, just you in person, the thought of you here". That crushed my heart. I thought about ending it a few times, but I felt so bad for her, and didn't want to break her heart when she's living in fear. I also learned there is a way triggers can become untriggered, but takes a lot of therapy and takes a VERY long time. I prepared for the long haul, but I knew if we could get through this she would be the woman I would marry. I fell into depression. At one point she was making fun of someone, so I made a joke about that person and she snapped at me. She *HATED* this person more than anyone. I got upset, and logged off for the night. She texted me, "I'm sorry if I pissed you off" and I just told her I try so hard to make her happy and she just gets mad at me or avoids me. She can be around everyone else but not me. Next day she says she can't handle romance right now, and wants to focus on being friends. I agreed as long as we could continue the relationship in the future when she's ready. She agreed. That didn't last long. I asked her if she still loved me. "I do but I don't know if I love you or am in love with you". I give her a long text of how she's treating me like I'm the one that hurt her and have been going through so much pain, and she needs to go to therapy. If we split up then I have to go "poof". She didn't want that. She signs up for therapy, and finally the day before she goes I ask if I'm the goal at the end. Long story short, her answer was no. I immediately went into NC the next day after I got pissed and demanded to know who did this to her (us men want to fix stuff). I wanted to destroy those people for destroying our happiness. For 2 months it was HELL. I felt so much empathy. I felt like the dumper for jumping right into NC and removing her from social media. But it never felt over. She was devastated I wouldn't just turn into a friend. I couldn't do that. So I left. Disappeared. She followed me on twitter still and me being stupid I peeked at hers. First few weeks it was nothing. After about 21-30 days it was all depressing stuff. About her crying because she's unhappy. That stuff. It made me feel very empathetic. After all, I was the only person that knew she has PTSD and only person who knows her story. Also 1 of 3 that knew she was abused. I couldn't just leave that way. After 2 months of NC I send her a text. She responds to my question. Nothing emotional or anything. Just asking something she would know the answer to. She then posts how grateful she is. The next day I don't message her. I waited a few days. I saw her saying how the up and down was devastating and she just wanted a hug. Right where I wanted her. Knowing her mental illness, I wanted to take things very slow. I also have taken so much time to research the mental illness. How to live with someone, how to understand triggers, and how to help someone through a panic attack (wish I knew that when I went there). Everything I needed to know about PTSD. The worst part is there is no cure. Some people go 20+ years with PTSD and even having "recovered" you still have those terrible memories your entire life. We connected. Laughed, smiled, and got along great. She progressively got SO MUCH happier that I returned. She was THRILLED, and thanked me for talking with her. Thanked me for being me. Said I was incredibly sweet. After awhile she started having slower responses, initiating conversations less, and it made me scratch my head. I mean, cmon now, she wouldn't seriously start talking to someone else when she made it clear she knew she couldn't do relationships for a long time... I then heard people (they not knowing she has PTSD) assumed she had autism which is why she acted the way she did sometimes. Huh? So I asked a mutual friend and he broke the news. She has been texting someone else. I ask her. She said no. But did say she is interested in someone else. I then wish her luck. Later in the day I told her the truth. I'm not over her and I think it's best I disappeared again. She was very sad. Went NC again for 1 day. The next day I had to at least put in some effort. After all I was taking things slow before asking for her back. I brought up the tweets and showed her how much happier she was and how sad she was when I was gone. I brought up the good memories we had together. She seemed uninterested. Next day I just say screw it and was honest. I deserve to be loved and I'm not going to change who I am. If she doesn't love me it's her loss. She got REALLY upset about that and cried to her friend. Nearly puked it seemed. We had a talk a few days after. Told her I'm not going to chase but still have feelings. She said the doors closed. So I told her to block me from everything and this is goodbye forever and I'm not coming back (it's true. I'm not). I got really angry and needed to vent. After all I poured my heart and soul into this woman and did nothing wrong at all. It's not her fault that she has PTSD. Let me make that very clear, and I understand why she treated me so bad. But it was her choice to end the relationship after I tried so very hard. However, I was almost obsessed with wanting to get her love back so the only option was to hate her. And I did. Still kind of do. But I took my venting, late at night, to twitter. She had me blocked so I knew she wouldn't see it. 2am in the morning I post some nasty stuff. When I'm done I deleted it. Foolish me not remembering her friends could see it. One did, and sent it to her and crushed her. I let that friend know it was simple venting, but I'm not coming back. So my ways of coping are stating reality. No one can predict the future but let's just say having had my experience, I don't have high hopes for her new boyfriend so that doesn't bother me. Yeah she's probably sending hearts and pictures but... it doesn't bother me because I know the same things going to happen. I hate to be "that guy" but honestly, until you've seen a grown man cry at the sound of an exhaust pipe, you don't know how bad PTSD can be. This is a small, young, girl with childhood trauma. As I stated I knew it would take a long time for her to recover if it's at all possible. Also having gone back trying to get together, I knew she hasn't progressed much besides understanding her illness a bit better. Coming back also gave me the opportunity to see her from a different light. She CRAVES attention, so I can see that she probably just loves the online fantasy world and getting all the attention. After all, she's incredibly cute and people playing video games online are generally single. She has a long roster of guys that would instantly jump into a relationship with at her choosing. She also has a huge taker personality. Like the worst I've seen. Never takes blame for something that is 100% her fault. She takes some but makes excuses why it isn't her fault. She also loves to hang around enablers to her bad behavior. It took folks a lot of convincing for her to believe our initial breakup wasn't her fault when it 100% was. (if she told me of her illness before and/or after our meetup things would have likely gone differently). So my question I guess... Is it good she's getting into another online, fantasy relationship that will likely result in the same thing for me if I want reconciliation? Why am I not over someone that I know isn't good for me and nearly got me killed because they didn't want to be honest? (oh yeah she lied a LOT to me) Why does she really want me there as a friend? It's not to just let me go easy. She really wants me in her life as a friend... Why am I not over her when I really don't miss her? I haven't had a single urge to break NC again. Right now I'm in NC. I have no plans to break it until I move on completely and wish to assist her, but honestly I feel once I've moved on 100% then I won't really care. She made all the decisions to end it. If she decides to text me ever, even if I'm dating someone new (I have gone on a few dates, nothing more) my response is simple - do not contact this number unless you open the door to reconciliation.
todreaminblue Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 (edited) hey altair, your story is a bit jumpy.....lot of info in there.....a lot of assumations as well.... this lady isnt ready for a relationship yet.....she needs to heal a bit more and she hasnt....dont know how long her therapy went for ...did she only go once? PTSD if she has that.....is not something that is easily dealt with.....there are ways to cope.....and if you develop strategies it is possible to be in a relationship with a very understanding patient and kind person ...gettiNG angry and the suggestion towards violence it seems to her attacker or attackers does nothing to help her now nor can you FIX THIS.....you arent meant to fix it..... i was assaulted by men in my past more than one sexually and physically ...bullied too.......from a very young age..... im really proud of myself .......i used to flinch anytime a male came near me in my twenties......if they raised their hand near me i would flinch away...cringe like that dog that knows she is about to be kicked in the head.......waiting to be hit...just waiting......my ptsd is severe...to this day i am more likely to date guys closer to my own height where i dont feel like a child.....and more matched physically......im 47 now and it took close to a decade for me not to flinch or cringe away from men...let them anywhere remotely near me......and yes i was in a relationship.....i would often flinch with my ex.....when we made love it took over a year for me to undress fully...and i would do a running leap into bed to be covered as quick as i could..it was slow going for him...the sheet covering me got lower and lower over time..my veil i like to call it....my barriers.......i would cover my face with a pillow when we made love....or with my hands i would cover my face......he gave me confidence...made me feel beautiful caressed me ...really loved me......all of me...he kissed me often....held me....showed softness ..this big bulky guy showed softeness and gentleness.........flaws, ptsd and all eh gave me my beauty back ......i was lucky...most guys would have seen me as massively damaged goods and pissed me off as fast as you can say ...damaged....... he didnt...for that ....i am grateful because he helped me with some extremely impossible hurdles.......won my friendship for life...no we arent together now....we lasted fifteen years though......still friends now.....adn eh feels he wants to be with me again.....its been ten years....and i have grown stronger.....im different now.....and so is he..... if this girl hasnt dealt with her ptsd and is telling you no...respect her wishes...i never told my ex no.but if i ever said no or stop he listened...we also had a safe word..........we worked through issues together and i was completely transparent its the only way it works with ptsd ...to be honest and open.....she isnt ready not for you or any relationship....it may take her years....and she has to be willing to work on it..i always was willing and still am........ill never be completely cured...i developed a disassociation coping mechanism.....only certain guys would be able to deal with that..so i choose carefully who i date.....i need kindness respect gentleness compassion patience and understanding......which is what this girl needs she sint ready for it though..... ...she doesnt need someone who thinks he can fix things..because you cant...she needs to try ....and want to be with you for anything to work out.....and she doesnt...show her the respect that was not offered to her that causes ptsd to set in....and leave her be..if she contacts you then you see where that goes...personally ...i think it would be better for you to walk away...and find someone else......she hasnt worked on it from what i gather....it wont end well for you two...i wish you well......................deb Edited March 10, 2017 by todreaminblue 1
Author Altair0770 Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 Thank you for the insightful story. I do think one of my mistakes was trying too hard to fix it. As ironic as it seems, seeing someone you love break down from a panic attack that you caused is a very tough burden to hold. The confusion threw me into a depression I'm still fighting today. When I did return, my intention was to go VERY slow and work with her. Let her take the lead and be there for her. But I just cannot do it when she's interested in some other guy. She says nothing is "official" but I fear her judgement is clouded. She did mention she goes about bi-weekly to therapy. However, I simply do not trust her yet. If she does wish to ever speak to me again, it is going to take a lot for me to trust her, and unfortunately the lies did continue the second time around, but was nothing like when we were dating. I do agree 100% she is not ready for a relationship, which is why I am not worried at all about her having a new interest. But I do not wish to be exposed to that. Best to avoid it at all costs until either I'm not ready or finds it in her heart that it was meant to be. Either way, I am walking away and pursuing other women. Getting out more and meeting new people. Went on a few dates with a former co-worker which was nice and fun. But unfortunately for me I have self diagnosed VT (Vicarious Trauma). I can be triggered and have a swift mood swing hearing anything relatively close to what happened to her. Obviously not nearly as bad as what happened to her. She has a lot of growing up to do as well. I think she sees a relationship as "what can I get out of it" rather than "what can I put into it". But that may be something she has to learn from failing many times. I do thank you for sharing your experience. Although you and your ex have split, I'm happy for you that you found someone so amazing to help you recover, and do hope you continue to recover. Having seen PTSD first hand I don't take it likely, and you have my sympathy and respect for surviving such a difficult mental illness.
todreaminblue Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 im really sorry if i triggered you at all it was not at all my intention to do so.....and thank you for your kind thoughts i appreciate them...i would suggest if you feel triggers that maybe it would benefit you to do some group therapy, you sound leik a really sweet guy and i am sure she would have not wanted to you have that vicarious influence from knowing her and her history the worst thing that could happened i thought for guys that knew about my history is that they felt sympathy for me....and didnt see me as a survivor trying to make it...and saw me as pathetic and weak...especially when i flinched.........i never thought about the vicarious influence.....but thanks to you...i will now.....so thank you for your honesty.....you have given me a perspective i didnt see.. its hard though...because i need gentleness and compassionate empathy but i also need a guy it seems who is a bit removed ...from feeling everything..its a bit of a juxtaposition isnt it..irony perhaps........at least i know my ex is unscathed from knowing me...i never held him back in any way.....he was able to move on from me be in another relationship....and i always worry about that hurting others because i have been hurt...its what i dont want..so i am pretty serious when it comes to saying yes to someone ...if its yes i plan to see it through....no doubts no hesitation ill go till its over.....or it doesnt finish whichever comes first..i would never lead two guys on.....its one or the other or none........and thats what i wish for you..\ happiness with someone who goes and stays the distance..who chooses you and only you.......good luck...you deserve to be loved in return never forget that...deb...... .
Author Altair0770 Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 Oh no worries you didn't trigger me. I'm just saying hearing about mental illness in general and stuff on the radio and what not triggers me. Not in the way PTSD does. It could also be part of the healing process. I never saw my ex as weak, and I never faulted her for what happened in my trip there. I only fault her for not telling me. I've done tons of research for her when we were still "together" after my trip there. I understand it does take a special person to be with someone with the mental illness, especially if romance does indeed trigger her. I do understand people, especially without any therapy, not wanting to talk about it, but I do wish she was very open with me before and at least after since she was the one that pursued me. I was open to her more than I've opened to anyone else, it's just killing me wondering what could have been had I known from the start rather than falling into depression and being weak and vulnerable. Unfortunately I think I've got to let her make her own mistakes. I do have mutual friends via Facebook. I never talk to them, but if I feel I can talk to her without any concern of a relationship then I will ask them to let me know if the same thing happened again. If so, I may decide to assist her. I'm not sure what the future holds for us, but right now she told me the door is closed, and I'm going to try my best to move on and live my life. 1
todreaminblue Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 (edited) Oh no worries you didn't trigger me. I'm just saying hearing about mental illness in general and stuff on the radio and what not triggers me. Not in the way PTSD does. It could also be part of the healing process. I never saw my ex as weak, and I never faulted her for what happened in my trip there. I only fault her for not telling me. I've done tons of research for her when we were still "together" after my trip there. I understand it does take a special person to be with someone with the mental illness, especially if romance does indeed trigger her. I do understand people, especially without any therapy, not wanting to talk about it, but I do wish she was very open with me before and at least after since she was the one that pursued me. I was open to her more than I've opened to anyone else, it's just killing me wondering what could have been had I known from the start rather than falling into depression and being weak and vulnerable. Unfortunately I think I've got to let her make her own mistakes. I do have mutual friends via Facebook. I never talk to them, but if I feel I can talk to her without any concern of a relationship then I will ask them to let me know if the same thing happened again. If so, I may decide to assist her. I'm not sure what the future holds for us, but right now she told me the door is closed, and I'm going to try my best to move on and live my life. i dont think you were weak at all i think you showed a great deal of mental fortitude and you are a thoughtful person.. IMPORTANT dont come to her rescue if she needs someone..it would be the worse thing you could do.....she needs professional help i knew when i was struggling to seek my own help i didnt have a white knight to save me ...well i did ...but i chose to save myself be my own white knight..... and i sought help...she needs help more than you could possibly give.....when i was with my ex my relationship was important enough i sought counselling in many aspects of my mental health..when i faltered or struggled .........i called life lines...and spoke to counsellors on there if i couldnt get out of the house..........i sought help with people who didnt solve my problems but made me think for myself..make my own decisions....my partner at the time...helped me by simply not solving anything and just loving me...he couldnt help my brain or my mental illness..but he knew how to love me.... you will do well altair......she isnt right for you...let her go completely...if ever she rings you and is suicidal.....tell her parents or those closer to her....and if there is no one...ring a mental health hotline and seek advice on how to deal with her......be a distant support.....a silent one.....good luck...deb............ Edited March 10, 2017 by todreaminblue
VeveCakes Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 She sounds borderline or bi polar. Don't waste another minute on this woman. Notice how you have given everything. And she has given nothing? When you think about relationships, think about the positives that person brings to you. The effort, the love. It's all coming from your side and nothing from hers. Meet someone in real life you can connect with. This is all a fantasy of who you think she is. She is showing you the real her now. 2
Author Altair0770 Posted March 11, 2017 Author Posted March 11, 2017 I don't wish anything harsh on her. The empathy is still there but when I hear the words, "it wasn't meant to be" that's something that I can't forgive. Those are the stupidest words anyone can say. Fate has NOTHING to do with the effort you put into a relationship. She CHOSE to let the relationship die by neglecting therapy for so long and treating me like garbage. Thus I cannot reward her with friendship. My plan is to move on. I know her decision was best for me (and likely worse for her). She says she hates losing people, but she didn't lose me, she abandoned me and the relationship. My main concern is why am I still even giving a damn after being treated so harshly.
todreaminblue Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 I don't wish anything harsh on her. The empathy is still there but when I hear the words, "it wasn't meant to be" that's something that I can't forgive. Those are the stupidest words anyone can say. Fate has NOTHING to do with the effort you put into a relationship. She CHOSE to let the relationship die by neglecting therapy for so long and treating me like garbage. Thus I cannot reward her with friendship. My plan is to move on. I know her decision was best for me (and likely worse for her). She says she hates losing people, but she didn't lose me, she abandoned me and the relationship. My main concern is why am I still even giving a damn after being treated so harshly. you care because you are a good person who has healthy emotional resonance with others..you care because you are ready to be vulnerable in a relationship...you have a sound mind that knows the difference between right and wrong...and you also have a heart that wants to forgive because you know what damage holding a grudge can do..you show respect to women ...you have a solid discussion style you listen to others and you speak your mind.........you are careful with words and in a relationship you would be a protective person...... i would say in previous relationships you would apologize readily.......you are also quick to stand for women even when they do you wrong...i feel this might be because people insulting women offends you......you also have a compassionate nature......that tends to look for what you might have done wrong first over what the other person did do..........you are a generous person in love ......most of this i am guessing from your replies to me..but also your replies to others........ you also care i believe because you have had strong honest women in your past mum maybe sister.aunt .....who you were close too...even your dad might have taught you the right way to regard women.....but there's a defined refinement in your replies.....i believe that is why ...you are in a bit of a mess.and confusion.....i dont think you have had to go the dark side with mental illness too much...and your dealings with people are normally open and honest...its what you prefer.......you are a refined person......who cares because its healthy to be that way... i could be totally wrong and projecting what i want to believe you are and my intuition is out of whack and totally wrong..wouldnt be the first time...have had some major wrong impressions......or i might be right...either way..you do deserve better than what you got...but stay who you are please and dont let bitterness ever reach you.....you will find the woman you deserve to have...who deserves you..........deb
Downtown Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 This is a small, young, girl with childhood trauma.Altair, how young was she when the trauma occurred? I ask because, when a trauma occurs in early childhood, it can freeze the child's emotional development and prevent her from developing a stable self identity. As VeveCakes notes above, the result can be much more damaging than PTSD.
spiderowl Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 It sounds like she has been really sweet to you, responsive, drew you in ... and then kicked you away. She has done that several times it seems. Regardless of her past trauma situation, she is not there for you and has rejected you several times. Even if she says nice, welcoming things again, it does not mean she will finally see what a great guy you are. She needs the attention and she likes you as a friend. She clearly does not want more. Whatever she is doing with anyone else, it matters not. You need to look after yourself and do what will improve your own self-esteem after this disaster of a woman. She will only hurt you over and over, if you get involved with her again. I think you know that which is why you went no contact. I know how hard it is when you feel that magical connection and you feel nothing else will do. Sometimes we just have to tear ourselves away and work on building something else with different people. Some people seem to be in our lives just to hurt and twist the cord. You are a great guy, very caring and considerate. You will find a lovely girl who does not have all these issues and who loves you back. This one has only been hurtful and rejecting. Please don't let her carry on doing this.
Author Altair0770 Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 She was 8 or 9 years old. Her father also left her (not sure at what age) and she has a terrible relationship with him. I don't know exactly what "daddy issues" are but it could be along the lines of why she doesn't trust men (it was two kids the same age, on two years younger that assaulted her). Her mother is also very protective of her (and doesn't know she has PTSD or was assaulted). I was literally the only person she told the names of who did it, what happened, when it happened and where. I was one of three people that knew she was ever assaulted. No one in her family knows. The other two are her best friends. She told me rather quickly in the relationship, obviously well before we met. I can see why she has a taker personality, because of how clingy her mother is (according to her). She still lives at home and does everything with her mom. I think she only has one friend within close proximity. The rest are all online, a majority having no idea she has the illness, thus they are enablers and her reason for breaking up was, "I didn't have as strong of feelings". I do understand that, seeing as I was a trigger and the thought of me there was a trigger to her. I even asked to visit one last time when I knew she was likely going to end it between us. She simply said, "ok" but just the context showed me she only said that to make me feel good but really didn't want that to happen. My main concern is that PTSD takes a very long time. She said (the second time around) I wasn't a trigger but I highly doubt it. Mental illness is 1 step forward and sometimes 3 steps back. Somedays you feel absolutely great, then it hits you. And sometimes being re-triggered can set you back from square 1. Seriously, we talked about all these things we were going to do. She wanted to sleep in my bed with me. Always wanted to snuggle. I even asked if she would accept a kiss from me (all through txt). She even regretted that she didn't invite me to her graduation. It came out of left field that she had her panic attack resulting in me being a trigger. I didn't make any sexual gestures besides snuggling, which literally would have been cuddling on the bed watching TV. I do not fault her for ANY of that. Obviously that isn't her fault. I felt so terrible for her. I was ALWAYS there for her. But she just became very hostile. One of my friends with PTSD says that is abnormal. Another that studies mental health said, "don't take it personal". She did apologize when I returned from my initial NC, and didn't treat me bad at all. I seriously think she had no idea that finding someone so soon would offend me. Not worried about the relationship at all, because I know how it went between us and so soon after that, it's nearly impossible to have recovered from PTSD in such a short span of time. Also talking to her I could just tell she wasn't ready (sounds scared her in the night, she doesn't go outside to walk alone, and other things that showed me it still haunts her). What I fault her for is that she literally sat on her butt watching TV. Whenever I messaged "Good morning" or something it was a late reply and used the word "Fine" to everything. She also lied to me a lot, saying she wanted to be with a group of people to help the community grow but ran off to some other community of former members while the community we built was dying off. She lied saying she never went there, but mutual friends said she was there all the time. I absolutely cannot take lying at all. Worst part is she replied "love you too" at times when I knew she didn't love me. I should have ended the relationship, but I didn't want to hurt her and break her heart. I didn't want to give up on someone I actually cared about. Other people trying to be supportive made it worse. Asking, "Do you really want to live your life with someone with so many issues?". The answer was yes, but now I have to learn how to say "no". I also hear that PTSD can block out logic. That's what my therapist says. The first response to a trigger is reaction. How to get to safety. I do understand that. I have a phobia (which is much easier to deal with than PTSD) of deep water. Even if I'm playing a video game, water scares the crap out of me. I have a lot of games I enjoy that I simply gave up because it made me go into water, even if there is nothing in it. It blocks out logic. Maybe all her bad experiences and bad influences made her logic block out that other people indeed have feelings too. I don't think she took a second to realize how bad it was hurting me when she treated me so bad and I spent a long time wondering if I'd ever see her again. I don't think she understood having absolutely NO IDEA what went wrong in my trip was very hard to deal with. As my friends that have PTSD say, she should have ABSOLUTELY told me she has PTSD before, and if not before at least after, my trip there.
Author Altair0770 Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 you care because you are a good person who has healthy emotional resonance with others..you care because you are ready to be vulnerable in a relationship...you have a sound mind that knows the difference between right and wrong...and you also have a heart that wants to forgive because you know what damage holding a grudge can do..you show respect to women ...you have a solid discussion style you listen to others and you speak your mind.........you are careful with words and in a relationship you would be a protective person...... i would say in previous relationships you would apologize readily.......you are also quick to stand for women even when they do you wrong...i feel this might be because people insulting women offends you......you also have a compassionate nature......that tends to look for what you might have done wrong first over what the other person did do..........you are a generous person in love ......most of this i am guessing from your replies to me..but also your replies to others........ you also care i believe because you have had strong honest women in your past mum maybe sister.aunt .....who you were close too...even your dad might have taught you the right way to regard women.....but there's a defined refinement in your replies.....i believe that is why ...you are in a bit of a mess.and confusion.....i dont think you have had to go the dark side with mental illness too much...and your dealings with people are normally open and honest...its what you prefer.......you are a refined person......who cares because its healthy to be that way... i could be totally wrong and projecting what i want to believe you are and my intuition is out of whack and totally wrong..wouldnt be the first time...have had some major wrong impressions......or i might be right...either way..you do deserve better than what you got...but stay who you are please and dont let bitterness ever reach you.....you will find the woman you deserve to have...who deserves you..........deb Thank you. I've never been in a relationship before. Well, not a serious one. I guess I'm more of the friend that people come crying to, and I'm okay with that with those people because I have no interest in a romantic relationship with them. I don't have a great relationship with my mother (it's not bad, we just aren't really close anymore) or really anyone, but I've seen women heart broken many times before. The ones that are my friends. I've seen people say nasty things about them, and that bothered me. I can't stand music that is offensive to women. I did however call my ex an "attention wh*re" on my Twitter rants. I guess that's offensive when I don't consider it so much, but that's not my place to determine that. Obviously if she's a virgin she cannot be a wh*re. But she craves attention and I feel that is all this is. I do know I deserve better. I have no regrets in this relationship. There was NOTHING I could have done to salvage it. I have learned a lot in it. But at this stage in my recovery, knowing how terrible she was to me and how stressful of a life I'd live with her, I'd still somehow consider reconciliation. But on *MY* terms, because obviously her terms didn't work.
Author Altair0770 Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 It sounds like she has been really sweet to you, responsive, drew you in ... and then kicked you away. She has done that several times it seems. Regardless of her past trauma situation, she is not there for you and has rejected you several times. Even if she says nice, welcoming things again, it does not mean she will finally see what a great guy you are. She needs the attention and she likes you as a friend. She clearly does not want more. Whatever she is doing with anyone else, it matters not. You need to look after yourself and do what will improve your own self-esteem after this disaster of a woman. She will only hurt you over and over, if you get involved with her again. I think you know that which is why you went no contact. I know how hard it is when you feel that magical connection and you feel nothing else will do. Sometimes we just have to tear ourselves away and work on building something else with different people. Some people seem to be in our lives just to hurt and twist the cord. You are a great guy, very caring and considerate. You will find a lovely girl who does not have all these issues and who loves you back. This one has only been hurtful and rejecting. Please don't let her carry on doing this. This is her first experience as the dumper. She was dumped once before by another guy that didn't like that she lived with her mom (and had to ask her for permission when he asked to meet in real life). She had a panic attack when he asked to meet and that was a red flag for him. One thing that does bug me is a lot of my friends in the community (ones that know she has PTSD because in my grieving during the first NC I told them that was the reason it got so toxic) said, "if she does this again we'll stop it". I notified them that she was flirting with another guy and they... did nothing... Again, it doesn't bother me. Erase that she has PTSD, she is clear as day not ready for a relationship nor understands what it means to be in one. It's also long distance which hardly succeeds in the first place. Maybe it will, but in all honesty I see it having a less than 1% chance of succeeding. What bothers me is that some people saw how bad she treated me. Saw me fall into a deep depression. Threatened to call the cops on me if I mentioned anything about suicide or being okay if something killed me. And they're letting her do it to someone else... Needless to say I don't talk to those people anymore. They simply said, "she has to learn". She shouldn't be using other people to learn life's tough lessons. That's disgusting.
spiderowl Posted March 12, 2017 Posted March 12, 2017 I can see why you are concerned that she doesn't do this to anyone else. Unfortunately you can't stop her. I expect you are angry - and who wouldn't be? I met a player and once I realised the truth about him I really felt others should be warned, but there is no real way of doing that and it is your word against theirs. You are a great guy and the way you are feeling now is as a result of getting embroiled in a relationship that was misleading and ultimately hurtful. You have every right to feel angry and upset. Don't mistake the way you are feeling for the real you. When we feel bad and hurt, we feel depressed and low. This is because of what has happened; it is not the way you actually are. Rejection makes us feel hurt and unlovable. You are not unlovable at all, please remember that. It is the fall-out from an understandable hurt. Now is the time to remind yourself of all the good things about you. You have so many good qualities that a lovely girl would be proud of. Kindness, understanding, fidelity, initiative, tactfulness. You are a gentleman who is considerate to women. These are such lovely qualities. You can do so much better than this woman. Because you have become emotionally embroiled with her, you have probably lost touch with your own potential. There are a lot of lovely women out there waiting to get to know someone like you. Don't waste any more of your time on this woman. 1
Author Altair0770 Posted March 12, 2017 Author Posted March 12, 2017 I'm not too worried about myself. Once I'm done healing completely I'll go back out there. It is unfortunate. Especially when it comes to a long distance relationship. Even if she admits to her mental illness most people won't know what it's like unless its there in person.
Author Altair0770 Posted March 16, 2017 Author Posted March 16, 2017 i dont think you were weak at all i think you showed a great deal of mental fortitude and you are a thoughtful person.. IMPORTANT dont come to her rescue if she needs someone..it would be the worse thing you could do.....she needs professional help i knew when i was struggling to seek my own help i didnt have a white knight to save me ...well i did ...but i chose to save myself be my own white knight..... and i sought help...she needs help more than you could possibly give.....when i was with my ex my relationship was important enough i sought counselling in many aspects of my mental health..when i faltered or struggled .........i called life lines...and spoke to counsellors on there if i couldnt get out of the house..........i sought help with people who didnt solve my problems but made me think for myself..make my own decisions....my partner at the time...helped me by simply not solving anything and just loving me...he couldnt help my brain or my mental illness..but he knew how to love me.... you will do well altair......she isnt right for you...let her go completely...if ever she rings you and is suicidal.....tell her parents or those closer to her....and if there is no one...ring a mental health hotline and seek advice on how to deal with her......be a distant support.....a silent one.....good luck...deb............ Sorry to revisit you or if this is rude to ask. My apologies if that's the case. But I was wondering if there were any triggers that set you off and how you coped with them? Obviously my presence as a romantic interest (and her realizing she had PTSD by talking to a crush years ago, and losing tons of weight) was a trigger to it, and her coping was to run away completely. If you don't mind me asking, how do you cope with triggers today and how often did your ex seem to trigger you?
Author Altair0770 Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 Thought I'd bump this up to give a bit of an update on my situation, seeing as I'm fairly active here. Have no idea how my ex is doing, and honestly I feel great that way. I am no longer angry at her (despite maybe some rare occassions) and haven't been sad since I said goodbye the final time. It's more of a "yeah, that sucks" and I feel like I'm generally feeling much, much better. I can only make assumptions. My ex is the person to develop a strong bond with people she's close to. Me being one of them, I doubt she's happy. But hey, she may be. I'm a fool though, I have been looking into a dumpers perspective and what not. My ex is highly inexperienced, and I was the first person she ever dumped. I think she literally thought I'd just go away for a bit and then be everything I was without her having to commit while she is hanging out with other guys. The things that get me through the day are simple... I know she misses people after 2-3 months (it's now been about 2 months since last speaking to her). The entire time during the downfall of our relationship, a mutual friend got mad at her because he witnessed just a smudge of how bad she treated me and he didn't like it, so he started giving her the cold shoulder. She's very fearful (obviously), but has tried to make contact with him despite him giving her "so much anxiety she feels she's going to puke". Basically he wanted to have a long talk with her, and said "I don't yell". She made half assed attempts to put the blame on him ("I waited for him and he never came", despite never signalling that she was ready). Since they play the same game, and can see each others chat, she apprently has tried to respond to questions he's had about the game and what not. She says she's over him being gone, but never showed any signs. Anytime they were in the same chat room together she would like/RT things about "the best revenge is to move on". This being about 6 months since they talked like friends. (this all of course being 2 months ago, since I haven't been in any contact). I wake up everyday thinking "hmmm what do I want to accomplish today" and it's been great. Sure she's on my mind, but then I find something quickly to distract me. Fact is, maybe I'm having false hope, but I see her eventually wanting to contact me. She may not have wanted a relationship, but I think I just know too much and provided too much happiness for her to just completely let me leave her life. However, I also know that each day that goes by, I let go more and more. I ultimately pity her. Hiding behind an internet screen trying to start relationships with guys, doesn't mention at all she has PTSD and then breaks their heart and, in her words, loses people. From what I've read, the whole "Get your ex back in 30 days" is complete BS. I've learned she needs to be the one to reach out to me if there is any chance at reconciliation. And I will refuse any friendship with her forever. That door is closed and is permanently closed. Mainly because when I returned, she was so happy then took advantage of me, thinking I'd be around permanently despite saying if she finds someone else it's their job to take care of her, not me. I was simply there because I felt so terrible for her, and wished to help her. She made the mistake of taking a risk that can throw her back to square one. This girl has a ton of problems, and I know I'd be much happier with someone else. And when that someone else comes along, then I don't know if I'll even think of her. If history repeats itself, she is missing me badly right now, because I did mean that much to her. Despite all her supportive friends, she fell into a deep depression because I made her feel like she was dumped by leaving. Ahh the glorious no contact rule. Sorry princess, you break my heart and dump me, you should have been ready to lose all of me. Is a romantic relationship out of the question? Possibly, but at one point I know I won't care. I've got a taste of how good of a boyfriend I'd be. Despite taking claws to the back I still stuck with her and helped her, still kept her feet on the ground. But what pisses me off most, is she lied to me. Made me promise that I could deal with her anxiety. I did. She did not. And now she must suffer the consequences of that. If she wants to return, my door is open, but only if it's a romantic relationship. Still no urge to text her. Not once has it crossed my mind, even when I'm a bit drunk. I simply have no interest in speaking with her unless she decides to come back to me. After all, we would make great friends, but I also know we could have a healthy relationship the second time around.
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