Lovedawg Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 I'm asking for help here again. My beautiful wife has been in pursuing her PhD in biology since we met four years ago. I 've witness lots of extremely demanding and stressful academic exercises in our time together and I have nothing but respect and admiration for her almost completed studies. She combines this with one full time, college level professorship at an out of town university and also teaching two mornings a week at a more local college. Her full time position involves a 5 hour round trip commute, so she stays overnight at a colleague or relatives home two nights a week. In the four years we've known each other It has been rare that she can sleep more than 4-5 hours a night. Combine the sleepless nights, long commute, endless hours spent studying, researching and writing on top of developing lectures, grading papers and dealing with 4 classes of university level students, etc. All I can say is that she is truly an amazing woman. I love my wife completely and I've been so worried about her physical health and safety for years. I know she's an adult, can more than take care of her self and took all of these responsibilities on with full knowledge of the implications. In these four years, almost all of our conversations begin with her telling me how exhausted she is, how she didn't sleep well the night before, how much she has yet to do that day, how upset she is with the weight she's gained, how her heart was palpitating (she had a heart attack years before we met), etc. My reaction is always one of heartfelt concern, always asking her to slow down and rest. This to no avail. She'll tell me all of this and once at home, or in a place where she should rest there is always an activity that keeps her from doing so. This afternoon, it way the same play. We talked for her entire drive and almost the whole conversation was about how tired she was, how she could pull over and take a nap right then, how when she got where she was going she planned to lay down for a bit, etc. Then she text's me at 5:30 saying her and a friend were going to see a movie at 6:30 and would call me when she got home. This is how it is every time and I see a pattern. Is she only manipulating me for empathy and pity ? There's no way she's as tired as she says she is if this always the way it is. On a side note, with her heart condition she does not use caffeine or any other stimulant, so no she's not on drugs. How do I avoid falling into this trap using loving words? I love her, but this constant worrying and then frustration when she fails to slow down is driving me nuts!
NTV Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Can you find a job closer to where she goes to school so that the commute is cut out?
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 She has obligations & a goal. She is pushing herself to live her life & right now that results in her being tired. It doesn't mean she has to give up fun or the right to complain. She probably counts on your support & loving words to spur her forward in the dark / hard times. If there is anything you can do to ease her commute that might help but don't withhold your support.
salparadise Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 (edited) How do I avoid falling into this trap using loving words? I love her, but this constant worrying and then frustration when she fails to slow down is driving me nuts! By switching modes and allowing her to be responsible for her choices. It seems as though you're in the role of caretaker-sympathizer. My guess is that you're also subjugating your needs as part of this arrangement. It's almost like an addict-codependent wherein you enable her burning the candle at both ends through self-sacrificing reinforcement, and the gallantry of not getting your needs met, and not complaining about it. I think that you should quit being an extension of her ego, stop sympathizing so much as if every decision she makes is highly laudable and above reproach. Help her to see that her constant exhaustion is the result of choices she is making, and express (carefully - without finger pointing) that it's a problem for you too, because you have needs that are not being met for the same reason. Basically, you encourage her to achieve a healthier balance with her time and energy for the benefit of both, i.e. your relationship, by not reinforcing the opposite any longer, and asking for what you need. Edited March 10, 2017 by salparadise 1
Ronni_W Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 How do I avoid falling into this trap using loving words? Tell her that you very much recognize and applaud her determination, discipline and accomplishments -- but you do not have the professional education and background to help her deal with the mental-emotional toll; and, it just makes you feel useless and helpless hearing about it...to the point where you yourself feel that you need some outside help. And what salparadise said, a hundred times over. Once she's done with her studies, there will still be this dynamic to sort out; you may as well get a jump on it and start doing the work that you need to do, now.
Popsicle Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Amid her supposed extreme tiredness, she finds energy to do the things she wants to do. This is entirely possible as a boost of adrenaline due to excitement will make you do things you thought you couldn't. I suggest you point this out to her if you're finding her constant talk of being tired boring. Also, be ready with different topics to talk about since she can only talk about work and being tired. That means that you have to actively develop the art of conversation (i.e. not just listening). She's never going to talk about anything else unless you bring up something else.
DKT3 Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Again with the male bending, changing or modifying to please or make the females live easier.... OP your wife is choosing this path, it's the price she has to pay. It's cool that she is going for it, however going for it doesn't have to entail all she is doing. In fact, her activities are actually putting her life at extreme risk. Fatigue, extra wieght, over exertions, lack of exercise and lack of sleep lead to heart issues, it's deadly for those with existing heart issues. I think you are right in trying to get her to slow down, opting for a movie instead of sleep is not the answer, but it's her choice and one she will pay for.
NTV Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 She does sound like an amazing woman. She doesn't sound like an amazing wife. 1
Got it Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 Tiredness may just be a way of life for her now so she talks about it but the other benefits/events outweigh the cost of it. When my husband, or someone else, continues to complain about the same thing over and over I get to a point where I point out what they can do to change it or learn to accept it. But railing against it but doing nothing is the definition of insanity. So stop responding as quickly/much when she is complaining. Change the subject, etc. Explain that it upsets you that she is upset but if she isn't going to change things then you would prefer to hear about it less. Sometimes it comes down to personality as well. Some people like to complain just to let off steam. Others it means they are seriously upset. I am one that if I am upset about something, if it becomes a pattern, I am moving towards changing it. Complacency is not in my vocabulary. You two may really differ in this area so for you, complaining means change, for her it may mean letting off steam.
aileD Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 I worked the overnight shift for 8 years with two children and also babysitting after school each week. I was ALWAYS exhausted. I never really got more sleep than 4 hours a day. I complained to H all the time. He was safe. To everyone else? Everyone telling me "wow I don't know how you do it!" I was like "yeah, it sucks but I get to be there for my kids". Martyrrrrrrrr I had trouble saying no. Can I drive your kid home? Sure. Snow day? Yeah I guess since I'm home I'll watch your kid. Softball practice, then soccer game then band pick up? Gotta stay awake for those since H is coaching a game. What I'm trying to say is that maybe she has trouble saying no to others and her true feelings come out to you because you're her safe place. Encourage her to say no more.
rushed Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 How do I avoid falling into this trap using loving words? I love her, but this constant worrying and then frustration when she fails to slow down is driving me nuts! Soooooo you no longer want her to vent to you? Your wife sounds like a pretty dedicated lady and a really smart cookie. When I vent to my guy, I don't want him to solve my problems. I just want someone to listen to me and say, "Yeah, that really sucks." She's smart. You said it yourself. She knows what she needs to do. When she says she's exhausted, you say, "No kidding. Even Supergirl would be with the load you take on. It's amazing how much you do." If she complains about her weight gain, you say, "What?! Weight gain?! You still look hot to me." Who doesn't want validation and compliments from their partner? And well, if you don't want to be her support board anymore, well, that really sucks for her.
Recommended Posts