Dilemma.

[Henry_shalom]

I’m 23 years old from Nigeria, west Africa and this is my first day on this platform. Anyways, am on the horns of dilemma right now and I desperately need an advice.

 

I’ve been seeing this girl for over 12 months. We actually met at a research institute where we both undertook our six months industrial training programme – a college mandated scheme that provides an avenue for students’ to apply their theoretical skills and knowledge into real work situation. We both applied for the programme from different academic institutions and was placed in the same department under supervision. We became work colleagues and then fast friends. During our free time, we’d sit together, joke, talk, share past experiences and so on. I really got fond of her and I guess it was mutual on her end. We both found common ground.

 

She confided in me that she had a couple of devastating family challenges, which I can’t get into specifics right now. Everyday when she comes to work, she always had this uneasy moods, sometimes I’d find her crying in a corner and this hugely impacted her work rate and her interpersonal relationships. I sympathised with her, became an anchor and a shoulder to lean on. She had issues of finance and I offered help. At the end of each day’s work, I’d offer to walk her home. So the bond between us sort of blossomed. We both felt it. And I haven’t been in any serious relationship in the past and she neither.

 

I developed deep feelings for her, but I was a bit reluctant to act on it, because that would seem like taking advantage, preying on her when she was weak. And am not the kind of guy that does that. I mean, I do sometimes prey on people during their weak moments, but not in a situation like this. I forgot to mention she’s an upcoming gospel singer. She launched her six track album last year August. Towards the end of our industrial programme, we professed our feelings to each other—she initiated the conversation and I reciprocated in kind. We both left for our respective institutes and just like that we started dating. During the weekends I’d travel out of my state to her school to pay her a visit and spend a couple days with her. I fell in love for the first time and I fell really hard. I was super crazy about her. I always call her almost everyday, sometimes four or five times a week. Most times I exchange texts with her on Whatsapp; i kept in touch.

 

Earlier this year she informed me that she will be coming to my state for a one year programme mandated by her institute and that she would staying with her cousin brother at his apartment, which is approximately 20-25 mins drive from my school. I was excited that I’d finally get to spend more time with her.

 

The real reason why am writing this is: ever since we started dating and eventually started a relationship, am always the one calling, texting, asking after her well being. She never calls, never bothered to know what’s up—its like am the one doing all the work. I talked to her about it, and she always tells me that she doesn’t have enough bucks to purchase airtime. At first I understood, because am also in school, and the expenses involved can get out of hand. But this attitude started to get on my nerves. Whenever I don’t call she won’t. Sometimes we’d spend weeks not talking to each other, and that’s not my definition of an ideal relationship. Shared responsibilities, concern for your partners welfare should buttress my point of what an ideal relationship is. Four weeks ago, she called me on phone to come over to her cousin brother’s apartment, that she’s not feeling too well and there’s no one around to talk to. I couldn’t make it because I was busy writing my first semester final year degree exams, and also was immersed in my B.sc research dissertation. That period was extra crazy, the work load was enormous and daunting. I couldn’t spare time at the moment. During this period I always called to check on her well being. After I was finally done with my exams, I reached out to her that I was ready to come visit, she replied that I can’t come, that her cousin brother is around. I was like okay—why not talk to him and inform him that your guy would be paying you a visit. Besides he’s working class, and he leaves every morning for work; I can spare my morning schedules in your stead. And just in case he accidentally walks in on us, there won’t be any sort of tense atmosphere whatsoever. She agreed that she would talk to him. During that week I was constantly calling her, asking her whether or not she had talked to her cousin. At some point she stopped picking up my calls, for like two days if I recall vividly. I was like whenever you want me to visit, just buzz me on the phone, I’d be there.

 

Today marks it two weeks I last spoke to her over the phone, two f—king weeks. I partly have myself to blame for it, but on the other hand, this has been her thing right from the onset. She doesn’t call, she only calls once in a blue moon. Am fed up with the whole crap, and am considering cutting her loose for good. I feel like I overreached myself.

 

Am i acting out or overreacting? Please, share your thoughts.

[preraph]

When you do get together with her, is she loving and attentive, or is she distant?

 

 

I guess when she stopped picking up it was because she feels uncomfortable having you to her cousin's place and you were not giving up on it, so she got tired of that.

 

If when you see her, she is affectionate and seems happy to be with you, I wouldn't fight with her about the phone calls, or call her more than you can afford either. If she seems kind of indifferent, she may be losing interest. I guess only time will tell. You seem like a nice guy, so I hope this works out for you or that you find another nice lady.

[Henry_shalom]

She’s loving and attentive. And one of her acquired traits that actually drew me to her was her good listening skill. It’s a huge turn-on.

If she wasn’t comfy with me being at her cousin’s place, she should’ve told me plainly. I’d completely understand instead of her ditching my calls. How is that fair?

[coolheadal]

She’s loving and attentive. And one of her acquired traits that actually drew me to her was her good listening skill. It’s a huge turn-on.

If she wasn’t comfy with me being at her cousin’s place, she should’ve told me plainly. I’d completely understand instead of her ditching my calls. How is that fair?

 

I have some experience with your culture there, long story, but I clearly see what's happening. You have a nice time with her when you could be with her and that's all your going to have right now with her. Move on and find someone less complicated lifestyle. You'll never win with her, it's not her fault it's who is surrounding her. Get on with your studies and make a life for yourself. She can't give you what you want she already told you, need to listen to what she said to you. You have to make sure you finish up what your doing. Do not contact her by any means. If she reaches out to you ever again you can choose to accept it or not. Again complex and complicated woman you have there you do not fit into your lifestyle you can't and doesn't seem she wants the same. You see if she did, she would be the one contacting you more. Your doing all the chasing again stop chasing her. Let her chase you? If she doesn't then move on.. Life is already too short to waste all your time on such a girl who doesn't seem to give a dam about you as much as you do for her!

[Henry_shalom]

Thank you for taking your time to read the post and fully grasp the scenario. I really appreciate your insight. That's kind of the advice i was actually looking for. It was helpful.

 

Gracias!