Struggling more than I thought I would with very recent breakup

[Free2be89]

This might be a very long story, but I'll try to keep it as brief as possible to encourage as much response and help as I can get. A few days ago, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me in person. Communication between us had already been poor for the few weeks leading up to the breakup. Instead of initiating the breakup myself, I waited it out only to be met with what I already felt would happen. Even though I anticipated the breakup, I have been taking it much harder than I thought I would.

 

Some background information:

We met on an online dating app back in mid December while I was in the depths of my collage finals. We started talking and instantly clicked which is something that rarely happens to me. I am someone in their late 20's that has been single for pretty much my entire adult life and had been apprehensive about just jumping into relationships with men I didn't click with; hookup culture never appealed to me. He (also in mid 20's) had only ever had one other relationship, and was also insecure about his lack of dating experience. He initiated first contact with a funny riddle proving to me that he was a nerd, and immediately caught my attention. He was new to my city, and had actually moved to town only 3 weeks prior, and was staying with a family member while he found a new job. He was attractive, smart, shared my crude sense of humor, we shared a lot of the same interests and had gone to college for similar things. He was flirtatious, but there was more than a sexual attraction which is what kept me interested. We would spend hours talking about life, beliefs, interests...he even helped me until 2 in the morning study for an exam that I had, and this was all the week before we even met in person. The following weekend, we met for a date at a museum, and from that point on, our relationship took off like a rocket.

 

There was instant attraction; by the end of the first hour we were holding hands, by the end of the first date we were heavily kissing, and by the end of the first week, he was spending Christmas dinner at my house with my family...yea I know. We spent most of the next couple of weeks together all the time, going on dates and texting all day long. He found a great paying full time job, got his own place, and we slept together for the first time 4 weeks into the relationship. Now, even though I'm in my mid late 20's i'm not ashamed to share that this was the first guy I had ever been intimate with. A week later, he requested that we make it official to friends and family, and so we did and made it official online. He was everything I wanted in a brain, a friend, and the physical relationship and attraction was intoxicating.

 

Fast forward a few weeks, he began working alot more at his new job. They only had half the amount of staff they needed which meant that his off days became on call and unpredictable sometimes working 7 days in a row. I got to college full time, so planning time together became a chore. He'd work from 8 in the morning sometimes till 6 or 7 at night. He would text me, or send me little joke snap chats throughout the day, but as the weeks went on, I heard from him less and less. When we would meet, he'd seem tired and distant. I would send him messages and sometimes would only receive one word answers back. I was devastated on the inside. Family and friends would constantly ask about him, and I would have no logical response which made me feel worse. I knew I should confront/break up with him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I still cared about him, and had put so much time and effort into my first real relationship.

 

This past Sunday, he sent me a text asking if I could meet for breakfast or lunch before he had to work in the afternoon, and I knew something was off. We met the following morning, the meeting kiss was a little awkward and he seemed fidgety. We talked a little bit about his work, and what I was doing at school. We then took a walk and he let me know that he had ulterior motives for meeting. He told me that he cared about me, but that he was too busy at work to make our relationship a priority anymore. He knew he was being distant and didn't want me to be marginalized. He threw it all out at me at once, and I didn't get a proper chance to respond because I had to literally go to work right after. He apologized, and said I deserved better, then we parted ways. I got in my car and went from a state of shock to just bawling in a matter or seconds. In an anger fueled rage, I immediately took the the relationship offline and unfriended him. Right before I did, I realized that he had literally seconds beforehand, posted a status on FB announcing that we decided to break up due to busy schedules, said it was for the best, and called me amazing woman...are you serious??

 

My story is almost done I promise, thank you for hanging in there. lol

Ever since he broke up with me on Monday, I have been feeling horrible, lonely, sad, and not been able to focus. Even my incredibly busy and social schedule has not been able to distract me like people have suggested it would. I am still trying to figure out how someone I was so close to is just now supposed to be out of my life. We shared life plans and he even threw the L word out a few times while intoxicated. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Like someone has died, but I'm the only one mourning that is mourning his death. He became so much apart of my every day life, that i feel like im going through withdrawals. I'm used to looking forward to his messages of love, his funny stories, kissing him, holding him, seeing the way he looked into my eyes. Now its just gone and I feel like society doesn't want me to mourn in any way. People keep saying "get over it","dont think about it" "find someone else..." I actually had a coworker ask me why my eyes were red the day the breakup happened, and when I told her she said "move on" and kept walking. He's still following me on all my social media, and I had to delete my apps from my phone because the urge to creep on him is too strong right now. He recently added an attractive woman from work, and I almost had a meltdown. I feel like ill never be wholly attracted to anyone again the same way, and I can't imagine never talking to or seeing him again.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any advice that doesn't include trying to pretend like I have robot emotions?

[Purepony]

Yes this is normal and common

I think you need to take a deep breath and look at things for what they really

 

1. He didn't string you along which is fair to you because he could have just dragged on for who knows how long

 

2. I knows it's only 3 months but younhave a whole life ahead of you

 

3. I'm sure you can look back and remember that the relationship wasn't all that ...

 

For now try a new routine and try to appreciate what's around you , I know it sounds lame but little by little you will get better and fell happy again

[Justyaaveraggurl]

Thank you for taking the time to share your story. I hope just getting it out to us on here has helped. You are definitely mourning. Breaks can definitely feel like a death. In reality that's what the word Death means, Separation, and it's not something we can just get over. Allow your self time to go through this mourning period. I would take a sabbatical from all social media during this time also. As much as the pain of not knowing what's going on with him may be, finding out can be more damaging. There are times when ignorance is truly bliss. Don't think about what life will be like for you in the future. Especially not now while you are mourning. Your hurt and pain will keep you from seeing what could be great possibilities. So just focus on getting through one difficult moment to the next. Definitely keep sharing with us on here.

[Free2be89]

Thank you for taking the time to share your story. I hope just getting it out to us on here has helped. You are definitely mourning. Breaks can definitely feel like a death. In reality that's what the word Death means, Separation, and it's not something we can just get over. Allow your self time to go through this mourning period. I would take a sabbatical from all social media during this time also. As much as the pain of not knowing what's going on with him may be, finding out can be more damaging. There are times when ignorance is truly bliss. Don't think about what life will be like for you in the future. Especially not now while you are mourning. Your hurt and pain will keep you from seeing what could be great possibilities. So just focus on getting through one difficult moment to the next. Definitely keep sharing with us on here.

 

Thank you both so much. Justyaaveragegurl, you message resonated with me so much, I am definitely on my way to feeling better. It's been about a week which has allowed me some time to try and focus on myself. Our relationship was short, however I never took it lightly. I'm still hurt and miss parts of him, but that's to be expected when the other person is the one to initiate the breakup.

I think for me personally, it has taken me a lot not to beat myself up about the split. He's nowhere near perfect and has ALOT of growing up to do, but I still found myself racking my brain for all of the ways I could have turned him off. He assured me more than once that it had nothing to do with me as a person, but my self confidence has taken a huge hit. I also become angry at myself for not trusting my instincts, and speaking up as soon as I felt him withdraw. I tried too hard to save a relationship that had become one sided.

I'm coming around to being myself again pretty quickly, even though I'm constantly still reminded of him because he lives right next to my job. haha He still follows me on social media, but I'm realizing that I needed this space from him; space I probably wouldn't have had the heart to admit to myself. This has made me learn not to compromise with what I need in a relationship at any cost. I have always been complimented on being a strong and independent woman, but this relationship made me temporarily lose that ability to say whats on my mind and I will never do that again.

Edited March 13, 2017 by Free2be89