Traumatic breakup

[char85]

I want to share my breakup experience, in a very honest way. I'm not sure as to what exactly I'm looking for,

be it advice or just somebody to talk to about it. Since some of the variables in the breakup has been very hard for me to share openly

with friends or family. I'll try to make it a short as I can but it will probably be a bit long, I'm sorry for the rant and hope you guys won't mind, and also that you won't be judging too much since I will be very very honest.

 

My last relationship was very intense. We started having sex early on, she love bombed me a lot, bought me tons of presents and introduced me to all of her friends. The sex was also amazing. Already after a few months however, the troubles began. I started to feel like a prisoner due to her having intense jealousy issues. She would want to know who I was texting, she would also want to sometimes see the messages, and in generel she just kept having this feeling that I would eventually betray her. I never indicated in any way that I would do anything like this. We had big fights about her jealousy issues at least a few times a month during our two year relationship course. She however had previously cheated on a lot of former boyfriends, and I got the feeling that because she knew that I used to date a lot of girls and had once cheated on girlfriend seven years ago, then I might do it again. She was highly sexual and had impulse problems. She told me stories about former guys and how she would just take advantage of them, manipulate them and used them for sex with a smile on her face. Now this is where all the red flag started to come up that I just for some reason chose to ignore. Her father was an alcoholic and there were definitely tension between her and father. Her mother wanted to leave him and she took her mother's side, pushing her to also leave him. She also told me that she had had an eating disorder in her past while being a ballerina dancer, where she would eat food and then puke it back up again. She had also recently taken a year off from school due to stress, and she told me that when she were stressed she would sometimes be hearing very negative voices in her head (schizophrenia). Her mother told me that it was something in their family, and her mother also seemed extremely neurotic. Something which I also saw in my ex. Definite signs of borderline personality disorder as well. She seemed like a very immature girl who never really grew up in a lot of ways.

 

Her intense jealousy problems was definitely what drove me away from her emotionally. To be fair to her though I did flirt with her about the idea of trying an open relationship, where we could go to swing his clubs together or maybe just find someone to have a threesome with. I even told her that I would be fine with the idea of a starting with a dude just to show her that it wasn't all about me just being with other chicks. However I never indicated it in any way that I would ever cheat on her. The real troubles began when I started to sometimes look on other girls on Facebook and masturbate to the idea of them, looking at their pictures. This really hurt her but at the same time she tried to understand it, telling me that sometimes when she masturbated by herself she would actually also be thinking about other dudes. This made me think that she understood it and that we were on the same page, however she also started to slowly distance herself after this Facebook thing came out, and six months later she wanted out of the relationship but couldn't get herself to end it. To be fair to her I also had communication issues. Something i had from my childhood about pulling away when becoming offended. I was going through a really rough time with some serious injuries which affected my mental health. I would sometimes pull away when she said something wrong, and then maybe not talk to her for a day or two, and then after that I would apologize. I ended the relationship a month after she started talking about taking a break or friendzoning me, and she told me that she was worn down for me pulling away and not talking to her, and also that the Facebook thing did a lot of damage. So I don't know, I think our personalities were simply just not compatible in the long run truth be told.

 

After the breakup she kept giving me breadcrumbs through text and also came up a few days after the breakup with tears in her eyes trying her hardest to salvage a friendship. I went hard no contact, blocked her on facebook and changed my phone number after a few months, since her breadcrumbs kept confusing me. I told her I loved her and just wanted her to be happy, and I was willing to work on our differences, but I could not be her male girlfriend and had to take my distance. I blamed myself for months after the breakup and went into a deep deep depression along with an identity crisis. It took me months before I realized that I was not the only one to blame for the breakup. She had done a very good job of putting the entire blame on me, and it took me a while to realize that all her insane jealous outbreaks really took a huge toll on me, and that maybe I needed a girlfriend with a little bit more of an open mind, in terms of sexuality and jealousy.

 

We lived together in a small dorm for students simply on different floors, so we had a lot of common friends which made the breakup filled with drama. Shortly after we broke up she started dating a dude from her part-time job, and I am more than sure that she had already lined him up months before she started talking about just being friends. She had never really been alone, had always had somebody to latch onto for her entire dating life. I found out about it but never told her that I knew. I saw her driving around in his car alone a few months after the breakup where she also saw me. I saw her again six months later with the dude just briefly at our dorm without her noticing, and I saw that it was the same car but it was painted in a different color all of a sudden. I got the feeling that she had manipulated him into painting it, so I wouldn't think that she rebounded immediately and got serious with some other dude. She also did a very very good job of keeping him a secret. She basically vanished from the dorm and started living at his place. None of my friends ever saw her again and she never took the new guy back to our home at the dorm, except for that one time where I saw them.

 

But this is where it gets crazy. Not long after this, seven or eight months after the breakup, I actually ran into her in the city. She stopped me and said hi, she seemed very happy, was telling a lot of stories about herself and seemed to be flirting with me. When she saw me again I had lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of muscle. During our relationship I gained a lot of fat, but after the breakup I started working out like an animal to get rid of it and also to get rid of my injuries. During our run in I played dumb and didn't mention anything about her new guy but just small talk with her and kept it positive. After this run in all of my friends at the dorm kept seeing her back again, by herself. And surely enough a month later I also ran into her home at our dorm, and when this happened she was trying extremely hard to get to see me. Asking what I was doing now, being flirty with me, asking a lot of questions, and just yeah really wanting to reconnect. The breakup had killed me and when I discovered that she rebounded so quick it killed me even more. So I was very dismissive, shooting down all her attempts at reconnecting, but in a positive and relaxed way. A few weeks after this I hear from a friend living in my floor that she had been up knocking at my door and asking my friend if he knew what I was up to lately. When I heard this I unblocked her on Facebook asking what she wanted. Mind you this is like almost a year after we broke up. She came up with some bull**** excuse about some old necklace that she wanted to know if I still had, and since she couldn't come in contact with me (blocked her) she figured she would just come knocking. Again I was very dismissive and acted aloof. I still keep seeing her a bit at the dorm after this and she seemed very strange around me, smiling but with tension. A month after, I blocked her again on Facebook because I simply wanted to move on, and let go of the past I never gave her any answers though as to why I was acting so distant. Three days after I blocked her sure enough she brought her new guy around at the dorm to show off to everybody. She started moving all her stuff out and moved in with him briefly after. I even saw them together moving her stuff out of the dorm, said hi to both of them and acted very calm and polite. I got a strong feeling that she wanted to show him off since I just rejected her, but I also felt like she wasn't happy with him. And I don't think she told him about our run ins and about how she knocked on my door and started playing games with me with that stupid necklace stuff.

 

So yeah the breakup is over a year ago now. I haven't seen her in months but I'm still struggling a lot with the breakup. The first two months after the breakup I was crushed. I couldn't eat, sleep and its still killing me inside knowing that she's with him. I'm struggling with moving on and felt like I needed to share this story. I especially don't understand the games that she played during the end and it has really left me feeling confused and sad.

[Telemachus]

The relationship had good and bad elements, and you broke up. It's over. Unless there's something you learned about your own behavior that you'll adjust for the better in future relationships, there's nothing to be gained by focusing on either the good or bad parts of the relationship, nor on anything to do with the breakup.

 

The fact is that every relationship has a beginning, and that extremely few last a lifetime. That nearly inevitable breakup is to be expected. The more unpleasant the breakup, the better it is that it's over.

 

Your sole problem in closing is that you're struggling with feelings of sadness and confusion. Well, stop struggling with them. Embrace them as your traveling companions, until they go their own way and leave you. We can't control our feelings, and we shouldn't even try. However, you are 100 percent responsible for your actions and for being honest.

 

You say that you couldn't eat or sleep. That's not true. You're exaggerating, and that's not helping you either. You've eaten, and you've slept, even if you didn't feel much like doing either. A person can't go much more than a few days without food and water before the internal organs start shutting-down. A person can't go more than about four days without sleep, before sleep takes over all by itself.

 

You say it was killing you inside to know that she was with him. That knowledge wasn't killing you. Another exaggeration, and not helpful to you.

 

The best way to move on is to get very busy with some new activity or task. We all have our own ways about doing this. Some take on volunteer work or leadership roles, take additional classes, or work longer hours.

 

No matter what's bothering me, I've never felt worse about a problem at the end of an 8-mile (13 km) run than I felt at the beginning about that particular problem. I work out problems and challenges in my head while I run. You do it your way.

[Bromeo]

Long runs, 5 miles or longer have helped me incredibly. At the end you feel exhausted and too worn out to be bound up over your mess.

 

I then indulge in a long bath, also helps.

 

Be patient with yourself. It'll get better with time.

[char85]

Yea I'm already working out like crazy, and you definitely can't think of all the negative stuff afterwards. So that sure helps.

 

I think accepting that the feelings of sadness and confusion is a part of me, for now, is a very good idea. Instead of trying to fight them. Recently I've been trying to forgive her for her, in my mind, childish and hurtful behavior, and just instead hoping that she's happy. It's really hard to do that though, on a genuine level.

 

But I'll definitely try to really just accept these feelings until they pass.

[Downtown]

Definite signs of borderline personality disorder as well. She seemed like a very immature girl who never really grew up in a lot of ways.

Char, I agree with you that several behaviors you describe -- e.g., her controlling actions, childish attitude, lack of impulse control, verbal abuse, irrational jealousy (strong abandonment fear), and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells or raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot when they occur in a two-year relationship, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

She however had previously cheated on a lot of former boyfriends.

Serial cheating is a red flag for NPD (Narcissistic PD), not for BPD. But having strong traits of one PD does not rule out having a second or third PD as well. A recent study found, for example, that a third of female BPDers have co-occurring NPD too.

[char85]

Well she without a doubt displayed a lot of BPD/NPD signs.

I have no intentions of getting back with her, which is also why i rejected her.

 

What's messing with me is just her mind games towards the end though. But probably best not to dwell too much on it i guess.

[devilish innocent]

Those mind games are just another sign of why you're better off without her. Be glad she's out of your life.

[Maldives]

I want to share my breakup experience, in a very honest way. I'm not sure as to what exactly I'm looking for,

be it advice or just somebody to talk to about it. Since some of the variables in the breakup has been very hard for me to share openly

with friends or family. I'll try to make it a short as I can but it will probably be a bit long, I'm sorry for the rant and hope you guys won't mind, and also that you won't be judging too much since I will be very very honest.

 

My last relationship was very intense. We started having sex early on, she love bombed me a lot, bought me tons of presents and introduced me to all of her friends. The sex was also amazing. Already after a few months however, the troubles began. I started to feel like a prisoner due to her having intense jealousy issues. She would want to know who I was texting, she would also want to sometimes see the messages, and in generel she just kept having this feeling that I would eventually betray her. I never indicated in any way that I would do anything like this. We had big fights about her jealousy issues at least a few times a month during our two year relationship course. She however had previously cheated on a lot of former boyfriends, and I got the feeling that because she knew that I used to date a lot of girls and had once cheated on girlfriend seven years ago, then I might do it again. She was highly sexual and had impulse problems. She told me stories about former guys and how she would just take advantage of them, manipulate them and used them for sex with a smile on her face. Now this is where all the red flag started to come up that I just for some reason chose to ignore. Her father was an alcoholic and there were definitely tension between her and father. Her mother wanted to leave him and she took her mother's side, pushing her to also leave him. She also told me that she had had an eating disorder in her past while being a ballerina dancer, where she would eat food and then puke it back up again. She had also recently taken a year off from school due to stress, and she told me that when she were stressed she would sometimes be hearing very negative voices in her head (schizophrenia). Her mother told me that it was something in their family, and her mother also seemed extremely neurotic. Something which I also saw in my ex. Definite signs of borderline personality disorder as well. She seemed like a very immature girl who never really grew up in a lot of ways.

 

Her intense jealousy problems was definitely what drove me away from her emotionally. To be fair to her though I did flirt with her about the idea of trying an open relationship, where we could go to swing his clubs together or maybe just find someone to have a threesome with. I even told her that I would be fine with the idea of a starting with a dude just to show her that it wasn't all about me just being with other chicks. However I never indicated it in any way that I would ever cheat on her. The real troubles began when I started to sometimes look on other girls on Facebook and masturbate to the idea of them, looking at their pictures. This really hurt her but at the same time she tried to understand it, telling me that sometimes when she masturbated by herself she would actually also be thinking about other dudes. This made me think that she understood it and that we were on the same page, however she also started to slowly distance herself after this Facebook thing came out, and six months later she wanted out of the relationship but couldn't get herself to end it. To be fair to her I also had communication issues. Something i had from my childhood about pulling away when becoming offended. I was going through a really rough time with some serious injuries which affected my mental health. I would sometimes pull away when she said something wrong, and then maybe not talk to her for a day or two, and then after that I would apologize. I ended the relationship a month after she started talking about taking a break or friendzoning me, and she told me that she was worn down for me pulling away and not talking to her, and also that the Facebook thing did a lot of damage. So I don't know, I think our personalities were simply just not compatible in the long run truth be told.

 

After the breakup she kept giving me breadcrumbs through text and also came up a few days after the breakup with tears in her eyes trying her hardest to salvage a friendship. I went hard no contact, blocked her on facebook and changed my phone number after a few months, since her breadcrumbs kept confusing me. I told her I loved her and just wanted her to be happy, and I was willing to work on our differences, but I could not be her male girlfriend and had to take my distance. I blamed myself for months after the breakup and went into a deep deep depression along with an identity crisis. It took me months before I realized that I was not the only one to blame for the breakup. She had done a very good job of putting the entire blame on me, and it took me a while to realize that all her insane jealous outbreaks really took a huge toll on me, and that maybe I needed a girlfriend with a little bit more of an open mind, in terms of sexuality and jealousy.

 

We lived together in a small dorm for students simply on different floors, so we had a lot of common friends which made the breakup filled with drama. Shortly after we broke up she started dating a dude from her part-time job, and I am more than sure that she had already lined him up months before she started talking about just being friends. She had never really been alone, had always had somebody to latch onto for her entire dating life. I found out about it but never told her that I knew. I saw her driving around in his car alone a few months after the breakup where she also saw me. I saw her again six months later with the dude just briefly at our dorm without her noticing, and I saw that it was the same car but it was painted in a different color all of a sudden. I got the feeling that she had manipulated him into painting it, so I wouldn't think that she rebounded immediately and got serious with some other dude. She also did a very very good job of keeping him a secret. She basically vanished from the dorm and started living at his place. None of my friends ever saw her again and she never took the new guy back to our home at the dorm, except for that one time where I saw them.

 

But this is where it gets crazy. Not long after this, seven or eight months after the breakup, I actually ran into her in the city. She stopped me and said hi, she seemed very happy, was telling a lot of stories about herself and seemed to be flirting with me. When she saw me again I had lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of muscle. During our relationship I gained a lot of fat, but after the breakup I started working out like an animal to get rid of it and also to get rid of my injuries. During our run in I played dumb and didn't mention anything about her new guy but just small talk with her and kept it positive. After this run in all of my friends at the dorm kept seeing her back again, by herself. And surely enough a month later I also ran into her home at our dorm, and when this happened she was trying extremely hard to get to see me. Asking what I was doing now, being flirty with me, asking a lot of questions, and just yeah really wanting to reconnect. The breakup had killed me and when I discovered that she rebounded so quick it killed me even more. So I was very dismissive, shooting down all her attempts at reconnecting, but in a positive and relaxed way. A few weeks after this I hear from a friend living in my floor that she had been up knocking at my door and asking my friend if he knew what I was up to lately. When I heard this I unblocked her on Facebook asking what she wanted. Mind you this is like almost a year after we broke up. She came up with some bull**** excuse about some old necklace that she wanted to know if I still had, and since she couldn't come in contact with me (blocked her) she figured she would just come knocking. Again I was very dismissive and acted aloof. I still keep seeing her a bit at the dorm after this and she seemed very strange around me, smiling but with tension. A month after, I blocked her again on Facebook because I simply wanted to move on, and let go of the past I never gave her any answers though as to why I was acting so distant. Three days after I blocked her sure enough she brought her new guy around at the dorm to show off to everybody. She started moving all her stuff out and moved in with him briefly after. I even saw them together moving her stuff out of the dorm, said hi to both of them and acted very calm and polite. I got a strong feeling that she wanted to show him off since I just rejected her, but I also felt like she wasn't happy with him. And I don't think she told him about our run ins and about how she knocked on my door and started playing games with me with that stupid necklace stuff.

 

So yeah the breakup is over a year ago now. I haven't seen her in months but I'm still struggling a lot with the breakup. The first two months after the breakup I was crushed. I couldn't eat, sleep and its still killing me inside knowing that she's with him. I'm struggling with moving on and felt like I needed to share this story. I especially don't understand the games that she played during the end and it has really left me feeling confused and sad.

 

She's tried to one up u get u back for rejecting her she sure is a manipulater from reading ur words about her. And very selfish may I add on her part to make u start from well not bear scratch but close enough. My ex we work together and shes somewhat like that not as bad but stabbed me in the back wth the way she behaves. My feelings hav almost all drained out so it stings now and then but dissipitates quickly. I start a new role and unfortunately my new team sits near hers but I'm no marter once I'm up to speed I'll ask to be moved. I did that and the look on her face that aspect of where she knew she cld impact me gone was priceless that's wat u need to do disappear move if u hav to this to me sounds like a woman who cares only about herself like my ex they're selfish. Me and my ex were apart for 2 yrs I moved interstate and she followed aftrr she had kids but would not compromise one iota about working g in the same company wwith were having problems at the time and was afraid if we broke up it'd be at my expense. Somehow I've survived and managed to put some distance between us for now. I really empathise wth u . None of us are perfect but she did sound like she had issues regarding trust mainly stemming from her own behaviour because she does it. My ex too had a bad relationship wth her father. Ye m3 n u both about the red flags. Damaged woman get away from her wheee she has no power to do things like just rock up etc.

[char85]

Those mind games are just another sign of why you're better off without her. Be glad she's out of your life.

 

That's a really great point actually. Healthy way to look at it.

 

 

 

 

 

She's tried to one up u get u back for rejecting her she sure is a manipulater from reading ur words about her. And very selfish may I add on her part to make u start from well not bear scratch but close enough. My ex we work together and shes somewhat like that not as bad but stabbed me in the back wth the way she behaves. My feelings hav almost all drained out so it stings now and then but dissipitates quickly. I start a new role and unfortunately my new team sits near hers but I'm no marter once I'm up to speed I'll ask to be moved. I did that and the look on her face that aspect of where she knew she cld impact me gone was priceless that's wat u need to do disappear move if u hav to this to me sounds like a woman who cares only about herself like my ex they're selfish. Me and my ex were apart for 2 yrs I moved interstate and she followed aftrr she had kids but would not compromise one iota about working g in the same company wwith were having problems at the time and was afraid if we broke up it'd be at my expense. Somehow I've survived and managed to put some distance between us for now. I really empathise wth u . None of us are perfect but she did sound like she had issues regarding trust mainly stemming from her own behaviour because she does it. My ex too had a bad relationship wth her father. Ye m3 n u both about the red flags. Damaged woman get away from her wheee she has no power to do things like just rock up etc.

 

I think you're right about the "one up - game" going on. Like an ego collision power struggle.. Kinda sad seeing a relationship delevop into this actually.

Sorry to hear about your ex aswell. The good thing about these toxic relationships though, is that you become an expert at spotting future red flags.

[Maldives]

That's a really great point actually. Healthy way to look at it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think you're right about the "one up - game" going on. Like an ego collision power struggle.. Kinda sad seeing a relationship delevop into this actually.

Sorry to hear about your ex aswell. The good thing about these toxic relationships though, is that you become an expert at spotting future red flags.

 

 

I hope so. Love can blind side u thats for sure. Ur right tho there are a few extra things I know now to look out for..