Abz0419 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 So to start this off I'm a 20 year old guy iv been with my girlfriend on and off since 2013 since we was in high school the I was the first guy to ever enter her life if any way before me she never had experience with guys and with me she was the only girl iv ever been serious about iv messed around a lot in the past but she was the only girl I ever took seriously she is the same age as me we went to the same school. The first 2 years we was on and off things wernt soo serious between us she loved me alot and I didn't take things seriously because I guess I was just a kid she used to always say she loved me but I didn't know what love was I used to like here she was the one that cared more and loved me a lot more than I did . early 2015 we got together and I don't know why but I slowly fell in love with her she had been a virgin until we started having sex in august that same year a few month after that I found myself crazy about her I loved her soo much all I wanted to do was be with here n she did too we where obssesd with each other in every way possible we had the craziest sex best iv ever had n when I say that I mean it she was my everything we never had a fight or an argument we got along very well . I used to know a lot of girls from before and I never cheated on her or slept with anyone els but late 2015 I msgd a few girls from my past I can't remember exact details but it was just msgs I didn't meet with anyone or have sex with anyone . she found out about it We had a big fight I admited my mistakes I didn't like those girls or have anything towards them they where just hoes in my eyes but I made that cleared to her I know I hurt her but I admited my mistakes it was my first time falling in love I didn't know how to act I was only 18 we kept having similar problems for a few month I was always honest admited my mistakes and made it very clear that I loved her she would always forgive me I got to a point where I sat with myself and told nyslef other girls are not going to be a problem anymore I listened to her understood her what upsets her and what doesn't and made boundies for myself and since then I haven't done any of that business I have been very faithful towards her and I know she is too . a year ago I had a very bad motorcycle accident I hurt myself and now iv made a full recovery but during the first few month I was always on pain killers tramadole it made me change in a way I was very rude and she became disrespectful as well we would fight very often I became violent and she used to proveke it with her disrespect we spend half of 2016 fighting we broke up in June the fights where too much to handle but we both still loved eqchother the breakup taught me a lot I came off the tramdole I refrains from the violence I had promised myself once again I'm never going to hurt her and like the girls issue I set boundrays for myself and I haven't crossed them since then . we got back together I became more understanding of her she Was still very disrespectful tho when ever we argue like any normal couple do she gets very very disrespectful she says a lot of intimadateing things iv sat her down and spoke to her about it a million times she dosent seem to understand im very understanding of her I love her a lot and I know she does too but she just doesn't stop about a month ago we had a big argument and she disrespected me very bad I didn't talk to her for 2 days she went crazy she called my dads phone because I wouldn't answer her she made up this lie that her sister was in hospital and that she needs money for me to talk to her a day later I took her for a coffee I explained it to her and made it really clear that either she stops or she walks away I didn't want that in my life she said to me that she loved me and she would do anything to be with me and she understands and will stop . a few days later we had a small argument and bag it started again she swears and says very intmadateing stuff I try my hardest not to give it back to her she just doesn't get it . she says that she loves me I know she does our sex life is still very strong and this argument and disrespect aside we are perfect iv had enuf I'm not the type of guy to take that bs from anybody I'm very respected my my friends and family and everyone that knows me I'm abit short tempered and people know me for being a little bit violent its not like a guy that gets disrespected by everyone n she seen it iv never in my life been spoken to the Way she speaks to me when we fight or argue it makes me very very angry the reason I don't react to her the way I would react if someone els spoke to me like that is because I love her and wouldn't want to hurt her mentally verbally or physicly but I don't think she understands that . we have been together for a very long time I love her a lot but enuf is enuf . our arguments or fights are usually over average stuff any couple argue about but she just takes it to the next level with her disrespect . I'm a very good guy to her we spend a lot of time together I always take her out I always get her gifts I try to always keep her happy and she does the same she loves me well at least she says she does but the disrespect I just can't Handel what do I do to make her stop how can I get hr to stop I'm soon lost being away from her kills me she is like my other half but I just can't take it anymore !
Telemachus Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 You used the word "disrespect" or forms of it many times, but you gave not one single example of anything she said that was disrespectful. It's your main point - the disrespect. The closest you came to explain this at all was to say that her words intimidated you. This makes little if any sense, as you are the self-described violent, short-tempered one, fully healed from all of your old injuries. That glaring discrepancy and lack of information aside, your relationship is not a healthy one. You seem to think that people at age 20 fighting and arguing often is normal and to be expected. It isn't. No matter how much either of you says that you love each other, loving people don't hurt each other, not even with words. When two people love each other, each puts the other's interests first. There's no reason to fight and argue, certainly not to even consider violence and disrespect. You both seem to lash out at each other with great frequency. Judge your actions, not your feelings. Neither of you acts in a loving way. It's an unhealthy relationship, and the one who ends it is doing the other a favor. That might be your, or her, greatest act of love yet. 3
smackie9 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Unhealthy but not unfixable. It's a matter of seeing the situation through the others eyes. You both are pig headed and too stubborn, like you have to win so the fight is on. If you truly want this to work, your only solution is to seek out couples counseling and go through the process of discovering each others perspective and then learn to communicate properly. You will not see results over night, this will be something that will take time and patience. Patience is definitely something you will have to learn. You have to give up a lot of the way you are before you can expect any respect. 1
mikeylo Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 How can you expect to be respected when you yourself are violent ? How did you get her forgiveness for being violent towards her? Have you thought that your behavior is a reflection on her attitude towards you ? 6
goldway90 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I became violent and she used to proveke it with her disrespect Every abuser says the same thing. You sound like a narcissist who's playing the victim, read the post it's all about how she hurts you, she's bad and disrespectful.... I'd love to hear her side of the story i'll bet it's very different. Just end this toxic relationship and get help for you anger issues. 6
GemmaUK Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Can't help but agree with another poster - you gave no examples of her supposed disrespect, funny that. 1
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 You provide no examples, but based on what you have written I would say that you are both young, immature and inexperienced with relationships. You really have no idea how to behave in relationship and thus, you have become a very unhealthy relationship. Perhaps you need to break up, date other people, and learn what it is to be in a happy, healthy relationship, You are much too young to stay in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship. You are also much to old to not know how to spell and use punctuation in your post. It's hard to read without little things like, periods. Use them!
preraph Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 If you want to change and work it out, then stop worrying about her "disrespecting" you since that's still not as bad as you hitting her, and go enroll in an anger management course and then get in couples therapy together.
Author Abz0419 Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 You used the word "disrespect" or forms of it many times, but you gave not one single example of anything she said that was disrespectful. It's your main point - the disrespect. The closest you came to explain this at all was to say that her words intimidated you. This makes little if any sense, as you are the self-described violent, short-tempered one, fully healed from all of your old injuries. That glaring discrepancy and lack of information aside, your relationship is not a healthy one. You seem to think that people at age 20 fighting and arguing often is normal and to be expected. It isn't. No matter how much either of you says that you love each other, loving people don't hurt each other, not even with words. When two people love each other, each puts the other's interests first. There's no reason to fight and argue, certainly not to even consider violence and disrespect. You both seem to lash out at each other with great frequency. Judge your actions, not your feelings. Neither of you acts in a loving way. It's an unhealthy relationship, and the one who ends it is doing the other a favor. That might be your, or her, greatest act of love yet. When I say disrespect I mean we would be having a misunderstanding let's say and we start to argue she'll start with small things like shutthef@#kup and she will gradually get to insulting my mother or talking about situations that have nothing to do with anything she will start talking about my dad for example and how he and my moms relationship didn't workout n shell start saying stuff that oh ur like him n she uses situations that are true but arent her or my bussiness its purely my mom and dads relationship to make me ffeell bad about myself . the violence has stopped like a said it hasn't happens for like 6 months it was just a faze I went thru I only encluded that in there so people can know the relationship history
smackie9 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 So from what I see, she loves the drama because it makes her feel in control to cause a S^&% storm, pushing your buttons, etc. Dude, time to end it.
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Why do you stay with this woman, that sounds absolutely miserable.... You can show her not to "disrespect" you by walking out and leaving her the next time she behaves this way.
GemmaUK Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 You say you haven't been violent towards her in the past 6 months. Have you been emotionally/verbally or sexually abusive or have you stopped all that also? Violence always comes after the other forms of abuse. After all you did say that she provokes you so - essentially your anger is her fault in your mind. Wrong! You do realise you can and absolutely should take responsibility for your own emotions and actions yes? The point I'm trying to make here is that no relationship is going to be healthy if you never take responsibility for your own actions. All of them, not just violence. You need to get help for anger issues - take that responsibility - accept you need help. This relationship is seriously unhealthy - you shouldn't be in a relationship until you heal for yourself.
scooby-philly Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Even withouth the extra info you provided to clarify how she disrepects you...what you shared originally has all the earmarks of a toxic relationship. Primary example....her freaking out, lying, and dragging other people into the situation when u didnt talk to her for 2 days. Been there and done that myself as the recipient of such drama. As posters said, she likes drama, is probably narcisitic at best of not worse and probably never trult believes she had done anything wrong. Everyone deserves better than that in my opinion. End this for your sake However, when you do...take time for yourself, no matter how hard it becomes and examine your anger your personality and your issues. No one stays in a situation like that unless there's a psychological reasonf for it.
todreaminblue Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 (edited) i think you have some really damaging issues from situations in your relationship, as far as change goes as smackie suggested couples counselling no one on here can help the two of you communicate.....because we only see your side of the argument with your bias......we dont know the context of your arguments how they started what was said by both and our perspectives are not really important to either one of you because of this.....on the very front page of the love shack site it says and this isnt ver-batim....."loveshack is not to be looked at as a replacement for professional counselling when needed but a supportive environment where you can discuss things and gain insight from people going through similar issues...... when i answer posts i do so with personal bias and personal experience the majority of the time... from this personal experience i will say violence is never ok....verbal or physical......from medication or addiction doesnt matter...its still not ok..can it be worked through.... yes........professionally...with counselling ......by a professional......change cna only happen if you are willing to change ...you need to start there and stop concentrating on her change.....thats my personally biased opinion...only you can change yourself and you know where you need to work at it..... and your relationship will change because you have ...do you see what i mean...i also suggest professional counselling would benefit you and her ...couples and even maybe group therapy....get to know her....know when you trigger certain reactions in her that arent positive ......and you can do that in a safe environment with a professional counseler to intercede on escalating toxicity and unhelpful talk....good luck....deb Edited March 9, 2017 by todreaminblue
elaine567 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 She is very angry with you and that is why she disrespects you and escalates arguments. I guess she holds a lot of resentment against you for the cheating and the violence. YOU can't just erase that by being the good guy now... Anger is a natural and normal response to being abused, I guess your gf is pretty mixed up. She probably loves you (or feels trapped perhaps) and hates you at the same time for putting her through all that. When you argue it gives her the perfect excuse to berate you and pay you back at the same time. She probably knows how far she can push you so maybe stops short of where she would like to go with you, and that can also lead to frustration and anger. If you want to stay together as a couple then you will need professional help to get through this, otherwise you will both continue to be miserable. However as you are both very young and there are no kids in the mix, then do yourselves both a favour and move on to other people.
BaileyB Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 (edited) Dare I say it, but your title is disrespectful to you girlfriend. "Fixing disrespect" - as if it is her problem, that somehow you have to fix. Don't get me wrong, her behavior as you have described it, is unacceptable. But, respect is earned. And, if you are angry, argue and yell at her, and if you have been physically intimidating or violent toward your girlfriend... Sorry, that doesn't earn the respect or affection of a woman. It only generates anger and resentment. Edited March 10, 2017 by BaileyB
Telemachus Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 When I say disrespect I mean we would be having a misunderstanding let's say and we start to argue she'll start with small things like shutthef@#kup and she will gradually get to insulting my mother or talking about situations that have nothing to do with anything she will start talking about my dad for example and how he and my moms relationship didn't workout n shell start saying stuff that oh ur like him n she uses situations that are true but arent her or my bussiness its purely my mom and dads relationship to make me ffeell bad about myself . She doesn't make you feel bad about yourself. That comes only from within. No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your consent. Misunderstanding --> arguing --> comments you dislike. It's not unilateral disrespect. It's a conflict that's escalating. You're a full participant in the conflict leading to argument in which you are a full participant. You just think that the rules of escalation are different from the rules she plays by. You should decline to argue in the first place, and you have to take full responsibility for letting it escalate. It's a bad match. If what you want is a woman who never uses the F-word, who never misunderstands anything and who never engages you in argument, you should have realized by now that she's not that person. You have yourself to blame for not figuring this out sooner. Good luck finding someone who engages in conflict, but solely according to your standards and tastes. It's an unrealistic expectation, and based in a lack of your acceptance of personal responsibility. Look at the heading of your posting. You say that she's disrespectful and needs fixing. She's no more broken than you are. She's not the problem.
phineas Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 WHY are you having huge arguments regularly? That is not healthy at all.
act00 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 She doesn't sound like she knows how to resolve conflict if, whenever you argue, she starts throwing out every flaw of you and everyone you know, and quite possibly greenstamping (bringing up stuff that happened in your past together despite supposed resolution). I have no idea what you're doing, but I suspect you "poke the bear" so to speak, and you are no angel in this scenario. I would like to know her side of the story. But overall, if she's throwing issues around your family or friends during every argument as an insult, you both could stand some counseling to work through your issues as a couple, and frankly, I'm not sure you two should stay together. Your relationship sounds toxic.
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