How do I get through to my girlfriend?

[Jerod3325]

I've been with my beautiful girlfriend for over 3 years now. I'm 29, she's 22. She's in nursing school and working part time, I have a full time career. We both still make time for each other daily but along with the busy schedules come a lot of fighting. We go a week and things are perfect, we go another week of things being awful. She will get angry and upset at the littlest things and they will turn into a full blown argument of her yelling at me, cussing, and hanging up the phone. I try to stay calm and handle the situation with maturity and talk things out but she is very aggressive with me. She had screamed at me and said "I hate you", threatened to leave me and break up after every argument and then a few days after she cools down things are fine and she will either apologize or be nice. The problem is we keep having the same problems. I feel she is very stressed from school but could possibly be bipolar. She can be the sweetest person one minute and be yelling and screaming the next. Usually over very simple things like how I didn't offer to do something or that I forgot a time or date of something. She also has a very low sex drive and this has been an issue for me lately for the past year. She promises me that this will get better but it hasn't, the passion isn't the same as it was the first year and with this roller coaster ride she puts me on it's hard for me to have trust in the relationship and take things a step farther, especially when she either threatens to break up with me or does break up with me. It seems like when she gets stressed or overwhelmed it gets a lot worse but I feel like I'm an innocent bystander when she has an outburst. I've talked to her about the issues of her making things a huge deal when it's usually a misunderstanding, but the issues keep happening and she keeps yelling and screaming and hanging up on me or telling me to get out. It takes 3 or 4 days to clear the air after an argument over nothing just because she escalates the argument. I've tried to leave the conversation, I've tried to fight back and stand up for myself, nothing works, it's still the same issues. She doesn't understand what she puts me through when she gets out of control with me over something small. We don't have kids or any serious expenses so this should be the part of our life that we enjoy together and are happy. Any advice will help! Thanks!

[Zahara]

You either accept that this is who she is or you exit the relationship.

 

She has very poor communication skills, she's immature and lacks any sort of self-awareness. Maybe suggest to her that she needs counseling and go from there. She could be dealing with some emotional/mental issues.

 

You've been on the same rollercoaster over and over again because YOU have created the pattern. She stomps on you, you cower, she apologizes, you accept her -- lather, rinse, repeat. You have enabled bullying and manipulative behavior. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

 

I have a relative who is in similar situation. But he's been married to her for decades. He's a shell of a man. Don't be that man. A loving and nurturing relationship does not look like this.

[goldway90]

She had screamed at me and said "I hate you", threatened to leave me and break up after every argument and then a few days after she cools down things are fine and she will either apologize or be nice.

 

Emotional abuse, break up threats are red flags of an unhealthy toxic relationship and mentally unstable person.

 

I feel she is very stressed from school but could possibly be bipolar

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she actually is.

 

I have a bad news for you, it will never work. She needs proper diagnosis and also treatment for you two to enjoy your time together. Even with meds and therapy Bipolar will always be there, keep that in mind when making a decision whether you want to stay or leave.

[smackie9]

Female perspective: She is going through a stressful time in her life atm, and here you are putting more stress on her about your complaints. It's no wonder she keeps is losing it. You both just don't know how to communicate properly. Back off and just be supportive instead and you will see a difference in no time. Buy her flowers, give her a foot massage, invite her out for a quick dessert, go for a hot tubbing, butter things up a bit and romance her and the sex will come back.There are times in your relationship you have to make sacrifices, and that means giving them the space they need and having patience. Make her miss you too.....don't communicate everyday all day. let there be some gaps where you do things for yourself.

 

*If there is no change and her misery continues, simply end the relationship.

[Gaeta]

This is no way of living. I don't understand how you can put up with this. This is emotional abuse. I don't care she is in nursing school and works and has stress, this is just normal life we all have to go through, it's not an excuse to burst at you with threats and this on weekly basis.

 

If you remain in this relationship she will screw so bad with your head, maybe she has already, that you will never be able to be in a normal relationship after this.

[Miss Peach]

I really can't tell if this is emotional abuse of just crappy communication but first and foremost your problem resolution and communication needs improvement if you plan to go the distance.

 

At this point I would stop putting so many demands and complaints as Smackie said but I would put up boundaries you're not going to be yelled at. You'll know pretty soon whether she's capable of changing or not. In cases of abuse, it's not uncommon for things to get worse for the abuser to try to get back their control.

 

As for the sex, if she has a lot of pent up resentment that is probably interfering in your sex life. I can be insatiable but it's always when I have a lot of resentment that I lose my sex drive.

[elaine567]

My first guess is that she's 22 and probably doesn't really want to be in a relationship but she doesn't have the courage to leave. She has been with you since she was 19, so has never really had the chance to be young, free and single.

This relationship after 3 years has to go somewhere pretty soon and she will be feeling the pressure, does she stick with you and have kids and a marriage or does she throw herself onto the scary dating scene?

 

She is torn, she is frustrated, she is angry with herself and she takes that all out on you.

She manages to keep this all under control for a while and then it all becomes too much and she snaps.

YOU may need to make that decision to split for her, as you cannot possibly live like this.

 

OR conversely she may now be waiting for that ring and the fact it has not already come may be the source of her resentment towards you.

 

OR she is cheating. If she is often in a bad mood with you, fighting over little things and no sex, that can signify cheating. If she is storming out the door over seemingly ridiculous arguments then that can be a ploy to be able to go see the OM.

 

OR she just doesn't love you any more and by behaving badly she is passively forcing you to leave her.

 

Whatever the reason and it could be anything in reality, you need to sit her down and really talk to her and get to the bottom of all this.

This is unsustainable the way it is at the moment, it is tantamount to abuse.

[BaileyB]

This is definitely not a very happy way of living. You are at two different times in your life, and she is having a difficult time dealing with the stress of school. But, the things that you have described, yelling, not talking, threatening to break up, decrease is sex drive are all signs of a very unhappy, unhealthy relationship.

 

Either you stay with her and hope that this gets better when she is done school. But, I predict that the long hours, shift work, and stress of a career in nursing will only promote more of this behavior and the unhealthy patterns will continue. In which case, you have to decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life. I would argue that there is more to life than what you've described. You deserve a relationship that will bring you happiness and joy - maybe this is it.

[preraph]

Here's what I got out of this. Your girlfriend needs someone responsible who will do what he says he will do when he says he will do it and not mess up her schedule by being late or whatever.

 

Both of you need to compromise and not always have to be the one to win the argument. That's not easy. It sounds like you just expect her to accept whatever little slight you do and not care. But it inconveniences her, so hold up your end. Insisting she's doing something wrong when the situation was caused by you not getting it done isn't fair.

 

Try that and then if she's still stressing and it doesn't help any, you just have a high strung stressed out person to decide whether to be with or not.

[d0nnivain]

She had poor conflict resolution skills. What she is going -- threatening to break up -- is called Brinksmanship. Every argument results in the destruction of the relationship.

 

 

Between that & the low sex drive I don't see a future here. The only way to get off this roller coaster is end things.

[Downtown]

I feel she... could possibly be bipolar. She can be the sweetest person one minute and be yelling and screaming the next.

Jerod, perhaps she is bipolar. Anything is possible. That is not what you're describing here, however. Instead, the behaviors you mention -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling attitude, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, verbal abuse, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot in a woman you've been dating for three years because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

She will get angry and upset at the littlest things and they will turn into a full blown argument of her yelling at me, cussing, and hanging up the phone.

That behavior is to be expected if she is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits). The key feature of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions because the BPDer's emotional development typically is frozen at the level of a four year old.

 

The result is that a BPDer frequently experiences feelings so intense that they distort her perception of your intentions and motivations. This is why BPDers usually are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are true. And a week later when they are claiming the exact opposite, they likely will be convinced that nonsense is true also.

 

She had screamed at me and said "I hate you"... and then a few days after she cools down things are fine.

After the infatuation period ends, a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- return. Due to the abandonment fear, she doesn't really want you to leave permanently. On the other hand, due to her engulfment fear, she will start to feel controlled and suffocated by you whenever you are close to her for very long. It therefore is common for BPDers to oftentimes say they hate their partners but, when those partners try to walk away, the BPDers desperately pull them back into the R/S. This is why the #2 best-selling BPD book is titled, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!

I've tried to fight back and stand up for myself, nothing works.

Again, if she is a BPDer, "nothing works" is exactly what you should expect. The BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

She either threatens to break up with me or does break up with me.

BPDers exhibit an emotional intensity, immaturity, and purity of expression that otherwise is seen only in young children. This means that, like young children, they are very easy to fall in love with and very hard to walk away from. Indeed, walking away from a BPDer can feel like you're abandoning a sick child who desperately needs you.

 

The result is that it is common for the abused partners of BPDers to attempt to leave many times. BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) -- like your relationship -- went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

Any advice will help!

I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells or raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot when they occur in a three-year relationship, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Jerod.

[GoldSparkz]

You've been together for 3 years and spend a lot of time together so I doubt your girlfriend has suddenly developed BPD or bad communication skills. Either she has always been this way and you've quietly put up with it or there is something taking place in her life which is causing her stress.

 

If I were you, I would trace the quarrels back to when they first started happening and then figure out what changed. Once you know what caused the change then you can deal with how to move forward.

[GemmaUK]

Here's what I got out of this. Your girlfriend needs someone responsible who will do what he says he will do when he says he will do it and not mess up her schedule by being late or whatever.

 

This ^^^, over all else.

She is studying full time and had a part time job and she shouldn't need to baby you over remembering dates etc.

You're a 29 yo man and should be fully able to take responsibility for that kind of thing yourself.

She likely feels more like your mother than your girlfriend.

 

Do you have any plans to get a diary and take responsibility for these kind of things yourself?

[nowhereboy]

Don't want to alarm you but my now ex did all of these things constantly. She wasn't always like this, it got progressively worse until I got dumped for good.

 

It was a hopeless no win situation for me and nothing I tried seemed to work.

 

EVERYTHING was my fault.

[act00]

I am highly emotional and in my youth, I had episodes of blow-up that far outweighed the issue at hand. Nothing to the degree that you describe or the frequency, but what I do recall is that the relationship just wasn't working. I wasn't sure I wanted to be in it. This is all hindsight, of course, because that is always crystal clear, but looking back, there were problems. She's lashing out.

 

I recall when young, it was easier to be miserable (not volatile) so he breaks up with you, rather than just put an end to it yourself...yes, I know how immature that is...and I was.

 

Her emotions and mood swings are quite troublesome. She does need to learn to reign herself in. She's not doing herself any favors being volatile and explosive in such a way. If your suspicions are bipolar tendencies, you should probably believe them. Then ask yourself if you can deal with this forever (think marriage/children) and if she will work on herself with a therapist/pshrink...and if any hard work will stick.

 

My mum blew up, for hours upon hours. There were no obvious triggers. I am not exaggerating, hours, and no trigger, but ranting over everything under the sun, even if it was something you did when you were 3. She is a very angry woman. What you wrote screams "mum," and I'm telling you, it's not an easy relationship.

 

She's young, and not equipped to manage stress. Cut your losses.

[spiderowl]

Why are you putting up with her? She is abusive to you, very unpredictable, and she is not interested in having sex with you. You could find a girlfriend who loves you, is consistent and enjoys making love with you.