Is my husband abusive?

[Sarahkaty]

We have been married nearly a year and he seems to be getting more and more horrible to me. He is a lovely person and husband and dad to our son 99% of the time but when hes angry it seems almost abusive. I moved away from my home town to be near him to where he works, i have no friends or family here and im a stay at home mum so dont get out much. If we argue about silly little things he brings this up and tells me to move back home and he tells me to go get a job because hes not giving me money anymore (i cant work as he works away and childcare would cost more than i would earn) he also calls me horrible names like dirty bit*h or c*nt when hes angry. i feel stuck in a rut.. i am so scared of us breaking up because i would have to move home and he would have to take my son away for weeks at a time to be able to spend time with him, our son is 2 and spends all his time with me so i dont think i could handle him being hours away from me!

 

Sorry i know this is long im just sick of feeling stuck and not knowing if this is something i should just put up with or if i should leave.

[JS84]

Sounds like he's emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive. Not sure how long you guys have been together but it doesn't sound like he's far away from becoming physically abusive down the line. If you were my sister/friend/relative, I would advise you to get out of your situation. Especially if he just keeps getting worse as you say.

[mikeylo]

Can you work from home ? It will give you some financial security and you won't even have to stay away from your child

[BaileyB]

Well, he doesn't sound like a very nice guy... Nice guys don't call you names like that.

 

I would be trying to develop a few options, some financial and social support. It's never good to be dependent on someone, especially when that person is not reliable. You have to try and find a way that you can stand on your own, because you may need to do just that...

[NTV]

Has he hit you?

[Simple Logic]

We have been married nearly a year and he seems to be getting more and more horrible to me. He is a lovely person and husband and dad to our son 99% of the time but when hes angry it seems almost abusive. I moved away from my home town to be near him to where he works, i have no friends or family here and im a stay at home mum so dont get out much. If we argue about silly little things he brings this up and tells me to move back home and he tells me to go get a job because hes not giving me money anymore (i cant work as he works away and childcare would cost more than i would earn) he also calls me horrible names like dirty bit*h or c*nt when hes angry. i feel stuck in a rut.. i am so scared of us breaking up because i would have to move home and he would have to take my son away for weeks at a time to be able to spend time with him, our son is 2 and spends all his time with me so i dont think i could handle him being hours away from me!

 

Sorry i know this is long im just sick of feeling stuck and not knowing if this is something i should just put up with or if i should leave.

 

Yes, if you are being called the B and C words, you are in an abusive relationship.

[SoleMate]

Please call a local domestic violence hotline and ask for support. (And yes, I'm sorry to say you are a victim of domestic abuse.)

[NTV]

Please call a local domestic violence hotline and ask for support. (And yes, I'm sorry to say you are a victim of domestic abuse.)

 

She hasn't said anything about violence yet and him being an butt-hat when he's angry is something a lot of people are. There is such a double standard when it comes to use of language like that.

[rushed]

If someone presented you a glass of liquid that was 99% water and 1% urine would you drink it? Your husband is abusive and staying is not healthy for you or your son.

 

 

Grab your son and go home. It's better to have a happy mom and a dad on the weekends than a mom who is being abused constantly. You and your son need you to be happy and healthy.

 

 

I know it's hard. But it's what you should do.

[basil67]

She hasn't said anything about violence yet and him being an butt-hat when he's angry is something a lot of people are. There is such a double standard when it comes to use of language like that.

 

I don't follow what you mean by this being a double standard. We're talking domestic abuse, yes?

 

The definition of 'domestic' is relating to the running of a home or to family relations.

 

The definition of 'abuse'

1. to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one's authority.

2. to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way

3. to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile; malign.

4. to commit sexual assault upon.

5. Obsolete. to deceive or mislead.

 

Given these definitions, domestic abuse is exactly what's happening here. She's being treated as per points 2&3 by her husband.

 

FWIW, I don't see being an angry arse-hat as being acceptable outside of the house either. Would you tolerate workplace abuse between two colleagues? Or abuse of your staff member by a customer? Or road rage? It's all unacceptable behaviour.

 

Abuse encompasses more than physical violence.

[NTV]

I don't get the leap from that to domestic violence.

[elaine567]

I don't get the leap from that to domestic violence.

 

This is domestic abuse.

Domestic violence helplines deal with all kinds of domestic abuse.

Domestic violence is caused by an abuser’s desire to gain power and control over their partner. Abusers use a range of different tactics – physical, emotional, sexual, financial – to achieve this.

Domestic violence takes many different forms.

 

Physical abuse

 

Physical abuse is the most recognisable form of abuse. It can range from a slap or shove to a black eye, cut lip, or broken bone. In the most extreme cases it can result in death.

Physical abuse doesn’t always leave visible marks or scars. Having your hair pulled or an egg thrown at you is domestic violence too. Don’t underestimate what is happening to you. Over time the violence usually gets worse.

 

Emotional abuse

 

Many women experience domestic violence without ever being physically abused. Sometimes they’re not sure if what is happening to them is domestic violence. They worry that no-one will take them seriously if they talk about it.

If you alter your behaviour because you are frightened of how your partner will react, you are being abused. Emotional abuse is an attack on your personality rather than your body.

Emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse. It often leads to physical violence over time.

 

Sexual abuse

 

Your partner should not use force or threats to make you have sex. He should not make you perform sexual acts with which you are uncomfortable. He should not criticise your performance.

If he does any of the above, he is using sex to assert his authority and control you.

 

Financial abuse

 

One of the most powerful ways a man can control his partner is by using financial abuse.

There are many different forms of financial abuse, but it might include things like your partner taking your money; stopping you from working; placing all the bills or debts in your name; or monitoring how you spend money and other financial resources e.g. the telephone.

If you feel that your partner is limiting your financial independence, you are experiencing financial abuse. Find out more about financial abuse.

 

Recognising abuse | Refuge

[NTV]

So... of I call my wife the B word once out of anger I have emotionally abused her sufficient for her to abscond with the children to a shelter for domestic violence?

[todreaminblue]

So... of I call my wife the B word once out of anger I have emotionally abused her sufficient for her to abscond with the children to a shelter for domestic violence?

 

he tells her to go home to her mum kid in tow...no responsibility on hsi behalf.... therefore she has instability for her son and herself this alone is abuse.....he tells her he will give her no money so who is the wife in this situation.....what is her standing in the home.....its not about her absconding...its about him threatening her to get out.....its a straight up threat and its controlling every time they argue about little things....what happens when its big things...a kick to the head....its abuse and it wont get better until she takes a stand and he sees he is being abusive and changes and they seek couples counselling or they split until it can be a home where there is stability for all ...not just for him..its his home by the sounds of it......... deb

[NTV]

he tells her to go home to her mum kid in tow...no responsibility on hsi behalf.... therefore she has instability for her son and herself this alone is abuse.....he tells her he will give her no money so who is the wife in this situation.....what is her standing in the home.....its not about her absconding...its about him threatening her to get out.....its a straight up threat and its controlling every time they argue about little things....what happens when its big things...a kick to the head....its abuse and it wont get better until she takes a stand and he sees he is being abusive and changes and they seek couples counselling or they split until it can be a home where there is stability for all ...not just for him..its his home by the sounds of it......... deb

 

There are two sides to every story right?

 

99% the time he is good to out of the year... that's what three days a year that he's a dick?

 

He says for her to go home and she said she feels trapped and unhappy with no friends and no work opportunities... was telling her to go home wrong in that scenario?

 

He controls the purse strings for the money he earns but she doesn't say that she is being starved or stripped of the Bare Essentials. After my wife told me that we didn't have enough money for me to get lunch leaving me eating canned soup every day at work while she literally spent thousands of dollars on purses and shoes i encourage every man to separate his finances.

 

As far as the kick to the head... she hasn't said anything about physical violence yet. She also hasn't said that she feared for her safety or the safety of the kid.

 

I'm not saying she should put up with it, I'm just saying that I don't know this rises to the level of abuse.

 

So color me confused still.

Edited March 10, 2017 by NTV

[SoleMate]

So... of I call my wife the B word once out of anger I have emotionally abused her sufficient for her to abscond with the children to a shelter for domestic violence?

NTV....please start your own thread with your own specific situation so we can give you advice without confusing the thread for OP.

[aileD]

Yes he is being emotionally abusive .

 

When you come to him with a problem and he tells you to move back to your family and he's not paying for you---he's keeping you emotionally trapped in a relationship where you cannot ever feel like you can air your grievances .

[Robert]

This looks like a drive-by so we'll close this up. If the threadstarter wants to re-open it for more feedback they can contact moderation via the "Alert Us" button.

 

Thanks,

~6