SevenCity Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Why didn't the guy in your example just say 'oh babe, here have a hug...Why not call me next time it happens and I'll sort it out for you no problem? At least now you have a brand new battery that'll last you years' instead of insensitively making her feel a little useless for not changing the battery last week? How is that helping or fixing things? I'm on my mobile so I will respond to everything later but I wanted to respond to the bolded above. I think what you said is a perfect response and what I will likely do in the future. But you are missing my point, guys do not communicate this way. They don't know that is the correct response to a woman. You know - because you're a woman. You make my point precisely - you were offended by the way the hypothetical guy responded. Most men wouldn't read into that the way you did because they don't see anything wrong with it. Most women will. Men communicate with other men this way and are unaware they should not communicate to most women this way. From a guys perspective: "You should have called me" means I'm there for you and a bit hurt you didn't reach out and I want you to know I'm always there for you. "That's why I was saying to change the battery last week" means I was trying to look out for you and show you love and I want to remind you that I was expressing love to you last week when I said it and again now. Do you see the communication difficulties men and women have? Most guys would say / do something similar to what I stated above. It's how we show love. Women, on the other hand, need to be communicated to differently. That's why I was telling the OP. He, like most men, didn't understand what his woman needed and she fell out of love and left him as a result. Meanwhile, he was showing his love exponentially in the best way he knew how - she just didn't understand it.
NeonKoss81 Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 (edited) Sure, people enter relationships for all sorts of reasons; they also leave them for all sorts of reasons. You can think that only your reasons are good, that only you are doing it the right way, that you are the better person in the relationship, that the other person is acting irrationally or without evidence, or you can accept that the person who has chosen to leave has their own reasons, that you can't control their feelings or reactions, you can't make them work at something if they feel it's a lost cause (as is their prerogative) and you move on, better prepared for your next relationship. Of course post-breakup, it is totally natural to feel vulnerable, sad and hurt, but ultimately either over-analysing it or short-changing your healing process by dumping it all on your ex (or taking sole blame for it) will prolong the agony. But you know, you're entitled to feel however you want to feel so if you think your ex left because she couldn't be bothered to work things out, that's your call. Firstly,I'm definitely not saying that you should brainwash your relationship partner in staying with you,if they don't want to.I also do not cleanse myself from responsibilities.I didn't cheat,I didn't abuse,I didn't make the other person feel uncomfortable,but then again people can come up with with "all sorts of reasons" to make you feel about your feelings and overall investment,when they're bored or malevolent or simply weak.It's down to their character,mental and emotional clarity and overall perception of life and relationships.But I'll agree that you cannot force the feelings,if the feelings aren't there in the first place. In your opinion,it seems that there are quite a few random (or not so random,after all?) reasons for someone to leave you standing there,stuck in the middle,and trying to sort your life out.Like the "all sorts of reasons" thing you're putting forward.Don't you think this is a bit unclear?Why would you engage in a relationship with someone in such a dysfunctional way?Why make them pour out their feelings and themselves towards you,when you don't have the patience and the stamina to reciprocate?Is it just a hobby or project,like enrolling into a class,or putting together a nice wardrobe,or planning a road trip?Don't you realize there are lives and people involved in this? On top of that,I believe that it's way more selfish to burden your (ex) partner with non-existent guilt,created by your need to get your ego over and above,just to make him go down and "pay" in a sort of way. And what I sure can make out by what you're telling is that one would really can't be bothered to fight for his/her relationship.I guess this is OK for some people,and I don't understand how those people develop feelings and bonds,only to breach them when,as they,in their own words,would say (that's another popular excuse from the data set) "the spark is gone".That's quite unhealthy I think. I also see how you devalue the communication process and the real work that can take place within it. What I'm trying to understand is why many people take for granted that a real and honest relationship should be a happy trip.I wish it could be.Like in life.But that's not realistic.That's not how it works.You're telling me that bailing out is OK when things stop being fun.And it's ok to quit and move on to someone else when things get rough. Every relationship will get "boring" after several years.It's only natural. But you should fight for it,because love is acceptance and commitment.You have to be there for the other person.Support them,share your strength with them.Otherwise,don't use the terms "love" and "relationship".They're not suitable for this type of acquaintance. I would like to exit this topic,and send my sympathy to our friend here.Be patient and better days will come.They will come,eventually,trust me.Be on good terms with yourself,be honest,be clear and in the end nicer things will come your way.It's only natural to fall,but it is equally important to get up on your feet and persevere.Best of luck to you mate. Edited March 11, 2017 by NeonKoss81
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 I'm on my mobile so I will respond to everything later but I wanted to respond to the bolded above. I think what you said is a perfect response and what I will likely do in the future. But you are missing my point, guys do not communicate this way. They don't know that is the correct response to a woman. You know - because you're a woman. You make my point precisely - you were offended by the way the hypothetical guy responded. Most men wouldn't read into that the way you did because they don't see anything wrong with it. Most women will. Men communicate with other men this way and are unaware they should not communicate to most women this way. From a guys perspective: "You should have called me" means I'm there for you and a bit hurt you didn't reach out and I want you to know I'm always there for you. "That's why I was saying to change the battery last week" means I was trying to look out for you and show you love and I want to remind you that I was expressing love to you last week when I said it and again now. Do you see the communication difficulties men and women have? Most guys would say / do something similar to what I stated above. It's how we show love. Women, on the other hand, need to be communicated to differently. That's why I was telling the OP. He, like most men, didn't understand what his woman needed and she fell out of love and left him as a result. Meanwhile, he was showing his love exponentially in the best way he knew how - she just didn't understand it. I get your point but honestly, plenty of men do know how to communicate just right with women - it kind of stands to reason that you wouldn't talk to your partner in the same way you would talk to a mate or colleague of yours. Besides, I do think that if you start any sentence with 'why didn't you...' or 'you should have...', you are inviting potential conflict regardless of who you are talking to. I also hope you can see the irony in the bolded - seems like guys react 'emotionally' too . FWIW, most women are perfectly able to call the rescue guy without having to hassle their partners at work and fix their own problems so sometimes, a listening ear and a hug is all it takes... OP, I hope you can get over your heartbreak with as little bitterness and jadedness as possible, ready for your next relationship.
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Firstly,I'm definitely not saying that you should brainwash your relationship partner in staying with you,if they don't want to.I also do not cleanse myself from responsibilities.I didn't cheat,I didn't abuse,I didn't make the other person feel uncomfortable,but then again people can come up with with "all sorts of reasons" to make you feel about your feelings and overall investment,when they're bored or malevolent or simply weak.It's down to their character,mental and emotional clarity and overall perception of life and relationships.But I'll agree that you cannot force the feelings,if the feelings aren't there in the first place. In your opinion,it seems that there are quite a few random (or not so random,after all?) reasons for someone to leave you standing there,stuck in the middle,and trying to sort your life out.Like the "all sorts of reasons" thing you're putting forward.Don't you think this is a bit unclear?Why would you engage in a relationship with someone in such a dysfunctional way?Why make them pour out their feelings and themselves towards you,when you don't have the patience and the stamina to reciprocate?Is it just a hobby or project,like enrolling into a class,or putting together a nice wardrobe,or planning a road trip?Don't you realize there are lives and people involved in this? On top of that,I believe that it's way more selfish to burden your (ex) partner with non-existent guilt,created by your need to get your ego over and above,just to make him go down and "pay" in a sort of way. And what I sure can make out by what you're telling is that one would really can't be bothered to fight for his/her relationship.I guess this is OK for some people,and I don't understand how those people develop feelings and bonds,only to breach them when,as they,in their own words,would say (that's another popular excuse from the data set) "the spark is gone".That's quite unhealthy I think. I also see how you devalue the communication process and the real work that can take place within it. What I'm trying to understand is why many people take for granted that a real and honest relationship should be a happy trip.I wish it could be.Like in life.But that's not realistic.That's not how it works.You're telling me that bailing out is OK when things stop being fun.And it's ok to quit and move on to someone else when things get rough. Every relationship will get "boring" after several years.It's only natural. But you should fight for it,because love is acceptance and commitment.You have to be there for the other person.Support them,share your strength with them.Otherwise,don't use the terms "love" and "relationship".They're not suitable for this type of acquaintance. I would like to exit this topic,and send my sympathy to our friend here.Be patient and better days will come.They will come,eventually,trust me.Be on good terms with yourself,be honest,be clear and in the end nicer things will come your way.It's only natural to fall,but it is equally important to get up on your feet and persevere.Best of luck to you mate. People don't owe you a relationship, they don't owe you to persevere with you because that's what you want. You can accept that people are individual with individual needs who aren't desperate to stay in a failing relationship (in their eyes) come what may, you can accept that they have their own reasons (not random, maybe not to your liking, but reasons that are valid to them all the same), or you can bury your head in the sand and carry on Eeyoring forever more. Look man, evidently you're going to read whatever it is you want to read to suit your read-made position - ultimately, that's your call.
Maldives Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Im 15 weeks into my break up. I was in a ldr and was pretty absent emotionally, but it was pretty hard for me. I was working and pretty much lost who i was because i was so lonely by myself, stuck in a town alone and staying in mostly as i was working on mine and her careers for the long term. She decided that i didnt love her enough and i wasn't going to commit fully. I had a long time to do that. I told her id move out to her, she said it was too late. The end. I went total NC. ive done everyhting i can to move on. I have her blocked on every form of social media. I have visited 4 dirfferent countries, in first class travel! Slept with other women. Got up every day and forced myself to battle through. But after a few weeks getting better its just getting consistently worse now. Comedically so. I don't know where its coming from. Every day i wake up and its worse than the day before. Ive never had this in any other break up. 3 months and i'm usually totally over it. It just seems such a waste. Her deciding i don't care enough and that she has to move on because she loves me too much. I cant get my head past it. I will. Because i have to. But i want this gone. Has anyone had this? Month 1, awful. Month 2, better. Month 3 better. Month 4 worse than month 1. Every second of the day she is there in my head. Every second i have regret. Women, when you decide that you have to move on, can u see anything changing if u met up 12 months down the line or whatever? I wont contact her, ill stay NC as i know i have to but jeez, i wish my head would listen to some sense! Yes me lol wat uve done here is forced ureself to move on. U need to let it unfold as it unfolds not forced so wen u feel sad u feel sad etc let the sto4m pads thru ur ur body and mind by p4ocessing it until all emotion is gone. I did that we t around nz skydiver did everything going i cld to try and for get her told myself I was over her wen really it just prolonged it and started the healing phase a yr down the track I wasee no where near over her. Wat u need to do is let ureself feel wat ur feeling so the emotion can come up put of ur body wat ur doing is burying the emotion but it haseems to come out somehow. Hope this takes sense btw I've done this twice wth this relationship wich was only 6 mths but very painful and then wen my marriage dissolved
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