Getting over it. Has this happened to anyone?

[safeinside]

Im 15 weeks into my break up.

I was in a ldr and was pretty absent emotionally, but it was pretty hard for me. I was working and pretty much lost who i was because i was so lonely by myself, stuck in a town alone and staying in mostly as i was working on mine and her careers for the long term.

She decided that i didnt love her enough and i wasn't going to commit fully. I had a long time to do that. I told her id move out to her, she said it was too late. The end.

 

I went total NC. ive done everyhting i can to move on. I have her blocked on every form of social media. I have visited 4 dirfferent countries, in first class travel!

Slept with other women. Got up every day and forced myself to battle through.

But after a few weeks getting better its just getting consistently worse now. Comedically so. I don't know where its coming from.

Every day i wake up and its worse than the day before. Ive never had this in any other break up. 3 months and i'm usually totally over it.

 

It just seems such a waste. Her deciding i don't care enough and that she has to move on because she loves me too much. I cant get my head past it.

 

I will. Because i have to. But i want this gone. Has anyone had this?

Month 1, awful. Month 2, better. Month 3 better. Month 4 worse than month 1. Every second of the day she is there in my head. Every second i have regret.

 

Women, when you decide that you have to move on, can u see anything changing if u met up 12 months down the line or whatever?

 

I wont contact her, ill stay NC as i know i have to but jeez, i wish my head would listen to some sense!

[AT15]

You probably liked her deeper than what you initially felt. As a woman, I dumped my husband because he treated me like furniture in the house. Huh. He didn't think I could leave him, well guess what? I sure did leave him and never looked back.

 

You have to show a woman that you love her, in that moment. Don't wait until,she leaves you and finds someone else. Then it's done.

[LitTunnel]

You probably liked her deeper than what you initially felt. As a woman, I dumped my husband because he treated me like furniture in the house. Huh. He didn't think I could leave him, well guess what? I sure did leave him and never looked back.

 

You have to show a woman that you love her, in that moment. Don't wait until,she leaves you and finds someone else. Then it's done.

 

It gets worse before it gets better. I'm on 7 months NC and I feel that I'm coming around. I'm certainly not 100% but I've gotten much better. The feeling of hope she contacting me is almost all gone fortunately and unfortunately. Just hang in there bro, it's pure hell but nothing u can do anymore. Just feel the pain and let it run its course.

[NeonKoss81]

Well, I can tell you that something similar occured in my case.

Buddy, what is hard for me to comprehend is the fact that they don't believe how deeply and truly you love them.But as it seems, this is only an excuse.

They create stories and excuses to justify to themselves the fact that they are plain bored or "not in love anymore" (easily one of the stupidest excuses of them all).

 

And what does "too late" mean? Too late in relation to what? It's never too late when you truly love someone. Which in our cases wasn't really the point. Usually there are third parties involved, either in flirting mode or full-on sexual mode.

 

You see,when you made the decision (for yourself) and the suggestion (to her) to go and stay with her, she backfired with unreasonable arguments:

 

-rating and judging your feelings on a scale of 1-10 (dictating you how you should feel, to provide a backbone to her theory/story, in order to reason with her lame excuse)

-predicting the future regarding your commitment (when you actually told her that you're going there with her,so what's the actual problem?)

-..based on the premise that you already had a long time to do that (like you work on a time schedule determined by her entirely)

 

Sorry for my little rant,but your story has rang a few bells.

Now,in order to manage your recovery, I'd suggest:

 

- Don't break NC..just don't.

- Focus on yourself (1): Exercise. Indoors, outdoors wherever. And keep checking yourself to see the difference day by day. Also try to maintain a decent nutrition regime. Too much caffeine,alcohol,sugar or bad food won;t help you at all.

- Focus on yourself (2):Do not listen to sad songs, don't read sad stories/books, don't watch sad movies. At least for this period of your life. Try to give yourself more neutral, if not cheerful stimuli.

- Focus on yourself (3):Change your living space. Perhaps you'd like to move, if not rearrange your place and minimise suff.Remove the clutter.And the most important thing...gather all her stuff in a box and put it away.

- If the situation persists and makes it hard for you to handle your day-to-day life, I definitely suggest you go and talk to a therapist. Maybe there are wider issues in your psyche, that require treatment. I'm not talking pills or heavy therapies. Just a talk and a clarification on your way of thinking.

- Don't rush things. It takes some real time and a certain degree of dedication to yourself, in order to heal. For me, it's been more than 6 months and I still find myself, in moments, back to square one. But it's OK. It gets better as time goes by, and I strongly believe that I'll come out of this nightmare a better person.

 

I wish the same for you.

[safeinside]

Well, I can tell you that something similar occured in my case.

Buddy, what is hard for me to comprehend is the fact that they don't believe how deeply and truly you love them.But as it seems, this is only an excuse.

They create stories and excuses to justify to themselves the fact that they are plain bored or "not in love anymore" (easily one of the stupidest excuses of them all).

 

And what does "too late" mean? Too late in relation to what? It's never too late when you truly love someone. Which in our cases wasn't really the point. Usually there are third parties involved, either in flirting mode or full-on sexual mode.

 

You see,when you made the decision (for yourself) and the suggestion (to her) to go and stay with her, she backfired with unreasonable arguments:

 

-rating and judging your feelings on a scale of 1-10 (dictating you how you should feel, to provide a backbone to her theory/story, in order to reason with her lame excuse)

-predicting the future regarding your commitment (when you actually told her that you're going there with her,so what's the actual problem?)

-..based on the premise that you already had a long time to do that (like you work on a time schedule determined by her entirely)

 

Sorry for my little rant,but your story has rang a few bells.

Now,in order to manage your recovery, I'd suggest:

 

- Don't break NC..just don't.

- Focus on yourself (1): Exercise. Indoors, outdoors wherever. And keep checking yourself to see the difference day by day. Also try to maintain a decent nutrition regime. Too much caffeine,alcohol,sugar or bad food won;t help you at all.

- Focus on yourself (2):Do not listen to sad songs, don't read sad stories/books, don't watch sad movies. At least for this period of your life. Try to give yourself more neutral, if not cheerful stimuli.

- Focus on yourself (3):Change your living space. Perhaps you'd like to move, if not rearrange your place and minimise suff.Remove the clutter.And the most important thing...gather all her stuff in a box and put it away.

- If the situation persists and makes it hard for you to handle your day-to-day life, I definitely suggest you go and talk to a therapist. Maybe there are wider issues in your psyche, that require treatment. I'm not talking pills or heavy therapies. Just a talk and a clarification on your way of thinking.

- Don't rush things. It takes some real time and a certain degree of dedication to yourself, in order to heal. For me, it's been more than 6 months and I still find myself, in moments, back to square one. But it's OK. It gets better as time goes by, and I strongly believe that I'll come out of this nightmare a better person.

 

I wish the same for you.

 

Thanks for this man, that really is good advice. I had to come back to the town where we first met so i think thats whats triggered everything coming back.

You are def right with the third party thing. I saw all the warning signs coming though. I knew i wasnt being available but i let it go as i presumed it would all be fine once i went over to see her.

And you're right, its all meaningless words. Timing, this that the other. Someone either wants to be with u or they dont.

 

10 years ago a girl broke up with me. I was pretty much homeless, not a penny to my name. Since then i built a huge entertainment company with 60 employess and i dont think i would have done that without that heartache.

This is worse than that time for me but just know that its hard for anyone whatever your point in life.

Iv jus bought a rolex, a ferrari, iv travelled non stop for 3 months going to parties and im still completely miserable lol. I always thought money was the answer but altho it allows u freedom, u dont really have anything to show for your life apart from friends and relationships.

We all go through it. Im gonna get thru it 100% and not look back at this time as being wasted.

We have such little time on this planet, we just cant waste a moment for someone that doesnt care.

 

Thats a great step by step plan man, i appreciate it and definitely the sad music thing is true haha. I think your brain wants to sit there and wallow and feel bad.

 

Thanks again

[safeinside]

You probably liked her deeper than what you initially felt. As a woman, I dumped my husband because he treated me like furniture in the house. Huh. He didn't think I could leave him, well guess what? I sure did leave him and never looked back.

 

You have to show a woman that you love her, in that moment. Don't wait until,she leaves you and finds someone else. Then it's done.

 

This is why men and women are wrong about a lot of things.

Men can let things drift, we need a kick up the ass. But just leaving things while you stay in the relationship and get over it then all of a sudden telling that person you dont feel the same is so pointless.

If you guys communicated instead of expecting us to read signals then we'd know what to do. We need verbal communication. If you tell us you're fine, then im gonna think youre fine. Im not going to presume that you want me to dig around and ask more questions.

Such a waste of time when people dont say what they mean.

[Mrin]

So I haven't had the back slide like you described where you go from good to bad. But I have had the lingering "bad". Where it just is bad and stays bad. A couple of thoughts for you on this:

 

1. The way I have been able to get past heartache has been to slash and burn. Not in a malicious sense, but rather a destructive clearing of space for something new to sprout. In a past relationship that I ended, we existed in a limbo for 3 months. I didn't want her out of my life but I didn't want to be in a relationship with her either. That limbo was "bad". I finally had to carve her out of my life by telling her that I was carving her out of my life - the slash and burn. It permanently closed the door forever. The second I did that the most wonderful seed sprouted in the newly cleared soil that became something truly magical...

 

2. ... that lasted 2.5 years and that I just recently ended. I ended it because I felt like we were both spinning out of control. My ending of it was instinctual and probably rash. Definitely hurtful and not my finest hour. But as we said our goodbyes we both agreed to talk in a month - to treat it like a break. I was previously incapable of entertaining the idea of a break but we sort of backed into it. That being said - I was on the receiving end of the "slash and burn" the other day. Through my own doing I basically destroyed any chance of us getting back together according to her. Which was her own space clearing I guess. It kinda sucks to be on the opposite side of a slash and burn but if that's what she needs I can respect that. I still harbor hope. It won't last forever and I'll probably have to do my own slash and burn internally eventually. But I am okay with suffering the audacity of hope for a while longer for someone like that.

 

So... long story but I think if you really want to move on you should consider what you need to do to "slash and burn". Is it a final goodbye letter leaving no chance at reconciliation? What is it?

 

Mrin

[The_Dork_Lard]

My last 2 breakups might interest you.

 

The most recent isn't really a breakup, but more of a rejection by somebody who used to have me on a very high pedestal. Seven and a half years ago I met somebody who I had a 3 year relationship with. Not so much a relationship, but something like a very intimate friendship. We clearly liked each other, we used to sleep over at each others' house, we were physically very close. We even had full sex on 2 occasions. However, at the time, I was also in another relationship (both women were aware of each other - I was going through a polyamorous phase ) and doing a degree (I met her on my foundation course). This means I couldn't fully commit, because my degree was the most important thing at the time. Towards the end of our degrees she emotionally checked out of our relationship, and very quickly - about 2 months, perhaps less. She met somebody else, and completely cut me off in 2013. I felt some pain, but it was not the deep anguish pain that consumes all one's life. I was too focused on my last half of my final year at uni to be affected by it. Though to this day I thought of her every day, but I never went through a grief process. I did always feel an enduring mild sadness about her leaving, and I often wished she'd come back into my life.

 

My wish was granted 6 months ago, after 3 1/2 years of silence. I won't go into the details, but she was actually using me as some kind of emotional safety net so she could find the courage to leave the man she met when she cut me off in 2013. However, 6 months ago I was in a completely different emotional space than during my degree. I was (and still am) single, more mature, and feeling ready and open for a relationship. We met only 4 times between 6 months ago, and 3 weeks ago. That's all it took for me to fall in love with her all over again. I expressed this, then poooof... she immediately disappeared giving me some excuse about feeling too attracted to me to risk a broken heart (like they all say to soften the blow and absolve their guilt). Why am I telling you this? Because I'm really really hurt over it, and I am now grieving the loss of her, and our relationship from 2010-2013... 4 years later!

 

The other story relates to the other woman who I mentioned above. We broke up in July 2015 after 6 1/2 years together. It was a relief. however, suddenly, in Feb 2016 I began feeling uneasy about her, so I contacted her, and got a negative response. Bang..... months of grieving. I'm over her now, but one particular thing I remember was my observations of my grieving. I'd spend a couple of days feeling broken, and wailing on the floor, followed by a few days feeling much better. Then a day or so feeling even worse than before, but when I recovered, I was better than before. I remember feeling anger. Waves and waves of anger, and afterwards, still crying and feeling sad. However, those first days of anger definitely signalled the end.

 

Grief feels so illogical, yet it is entirely logical. It is a process, and it largely works at its own pace, in its own mysterious way. You have to be at its mercy for a while, but it always eases.

[SevenCity]

This is why men and women are wrong about a lot of things.

Men can let things drift, we need a kick up the ass. But just leaving things while you stay in the relationship and get over it then all of a sudden telling that person you dont feel the same is so pointless.

If you guys communicated instead of expecting us to read signals then we'd know what to do. We need verbal communication. If you tell us you're fine, then im gonna think youre fine. Im not going to presume that you want me to dig around and ask more questions.

Such a waste of time when people dont say what they mean.

 

Yep. This was the demise of my RL as well. "What's wrong?" "Nothing".

 

The problem with women is they feel if they have to tell you that you don't care. Guys need clear direct communication and we won't react to a problem unless it's known.

 

The woman just gets more resentful overtime and only explains the issue "once it's too late".

 

The last girl I briefly dated broke it off because I didn't call her between dates and it made her feel empty inside (she turned out to be super annoying so she beat me to the punch by a week or so). Meanwhile, she would run out of my house Sunday morning at 8:30 am after spending the night. Why not stay and talk then?

 

She would complain about everything - I'm hot, I'm cold, I don't like this, I don't like that yet the one thing that broke us up she didn't say a word about.

 

I don't care but it shows how women like this act (and most seem to be this way with varing degrees of how long they will put up with it). My real ex left after 7 years and never said one thing was wrong....until it was too late.

 

It's a rare woman who can communicate effectively and say "if you continue to do X I am going to leave you". I've said that to several women and at least gave them a chance to correct.

[safeinside]

OK so its been 15 weeks now. I got from angry to sad to hating her to wanting her back, every emotion out there. Iv got one issue left. Money.

 

Technically i owe her some money. Altho i paid for so much other stuff its a bit annoying shes asking for this.

I had a text about it which i fwd to my finance person to deal with.

Iv been pretty angry and no way was i going to pay it. I feel like i just need to do it now to finish it.

Being totally honest my thought process is that i am to blame for letting this relationship sink. But i had the "im breaking up with you because i love you and you dont love me enough." Maybe its BS, looking back i can see how someone could feel that.

Ill keep moving on but maybe months, years down the line fate will work out, maybe not. I dont want to concentrate on that.

I dont know if doing the honorable thing here would help release the tension from her and help her get over me?

Or just ignoring it and getting my finance officer to clear it up and staying out of the way is the best thing to do.

 

She begged me to stay in contact after the relationship but i said no. Maybe im being weak now i dont know. Maybe i feel that i should extend an olive branch and hope to work things through.

 

Tell me if im being stupid, its fine. Should i pay the money and email saying its paid or just leave it with my accountant to deal with and keep well away.

 

I wasnt going to pay it at al. Oriingally she sent a fairly nice text asking me to pay whatever i thought was fair. I replied stone cold with an address for my accountant, who i know she has now contacted

Edited March 10, 2017 by safeinside

[PrettyEmily77]

OK so its been 15 weeks now. I got from angry to sad to hating her to wanting her back, every emotion out there. Iv got one issue left. Money.

 

Technically i owe her some money. Altho i paid for so much other stuff its a bit annoying shes asking for this.

I had a text about it which i fwd to my finance person to deal with.

Iv been pretty angry and no way was i going to pay it. I feel like i just need to do it now to finish it.

Being totally honest my thought process is that i am to blame for letting this relationship sink. But i had the "im breaking up with you because i love you and you dont love me enough." Maybe its BS, looking back i can see how someone could feel that.

Ill keep moving on but maybe months, years down the line fate will work out, maybe not. I dont want to concentrate on that.

I dont know if doing the honorable thing here would help release the tension from her and help her get over me?

Or just ignoring it and getting my finance officer to clear it up and staying out of the way is the best thing to do.

 

She begged me to stay in contact after the relationship but i said no. Maybe im being weak now i dont know. Maybe i feel that i should extend an olive branch and hope to work things through.

 

Tell me if im being stupid, its fine. Should i pay the money and email saying its paid or just leave it with my accountant to deal with and keep well away.

 

I wasnt going to pay it at al. Oriingally she sent a fairly nice text asking me to pay whatever i thought was fair. I replied stone cold with an address for my accountant, who i know she has now contacted

 

Looks like you have enough self-awareness and honesty to acknowledge and admit your role in the demise of your relationship. Likely, she did tell you what was went wrong in her own way during the relationship but maybe you didn't pay enough attention. I'm always flabbergasted at how someone can be so oblivious to their partner's unhappiness for so long (sometimes years) - that doesn't really scream compatible partners; but it's also true that plenty of men don't actually take criticism well at all so it can be a tiring juggling act to say what you have to say while trying to preserve a sometimes very fragile ego.

 

As to the money side of things, looks like it's already out of your hands, seeing as she has contacted your accountant.

 

Looks as though that ship has sailed. Sorry, OP.

[safeinside]

Looks like you have enough self-awareness and honesty to acknowledge and admit your role in the demise of your relationship. Likely, she did tell you what was went wrong in her own way during the relationship but maybe you didn't pay enough attention. I'm always flabbergasted at how someone can be so oblivious to their partner's unhappiness for so long (sometimes years) - that doesn't really scream compatible partners; but it's also true that plenty of men don't actually take criticism well at all so it can be a tiring juggling act to say what you have to say while trying to preserve a sometimes very fragile ego.

 

As to the money side of things, looks like it's already out of your hands, seeing as she has contacted your accountant.

 

Looks as though that ship has sailed. Sorry, OP.

 

Well she contacted me but i shut it down, sent her to him and told her not to contact me again.

I wasnt going to pay anything as i spent way more than that on other things in the relationship.

But whatver, ill tell them to pay it. My hands are clean then and i can move on.

[safeinside]

Looks like you have enough self-awareness and honesty to acknowledge and admit your role in the demise of your relationship. Likely, she did tell you what was went wrong in her own way during the relationship but maybe you didn't pay enough attention. I'm always flabbergasted at how someone can be so oblivious to their partner's unhappiness for so long (sometimes years) - that doesn't really scream compatible partners; but it's also true that plenty of men don't actually take criticism well at all so it can be a tiring juggling act to say what you have to say while trying to preserve a sometimes very fragile ego.

 

As to the money side of things, looks like it's already out of your hands, seeing as she has contacted your accountant.

 

Looks as though that ship has sailed. Sorry, OP.

 

This is what i was saying above though. Stop giving men "signs"

Actually tell them what the issue is and they will normally try and work it out. Womens normal strategy is to spend months if not years detatching themselves until they are totally over it, then they just leave.

They dont want to leave when it may hurt them and they'll use the guy as long as possible to cushion their blow.

Im in no way saying men are perfect, they do things just as badly. But that strategy happens time and time again. Why would you spend years giving someone "signals." Tell them they either sort it or you leave.

I dont feel people do that though because as i said, it means they have to deal with the break up as well

[PrettyEmily77]

This is what i was saying above though. Stop giving men "signs"

Actually tell them what the issue is and they will normally try and work it out. Womens normal strategy is to spend months if not years detatching themselves until they are totally over it, then they just leave.

They dont want to leave when it may hurt them and they'll use the guy as long as possible to cushion their blow.

Im in no way saying men are perfect, they do things just as badly. But that strategy happens time and time again. Why would you spend years giving someone "signals." Tell them they either sort it or you leave.

I dont feel people do that though because as i said, it means they have to deal with the break up as well

 

That's not my personal experience - in my case, I said actual words, not given signals. Still nothing happened. So I left.

 

From observation though, and from talking to a few guys whose partners left them 'out of the blue' (never understood that phrase...), the trend is that these guys either are not good listeners or can't handle criticism.

 

From the men's perspective: blissful relationship broken down out of nowhere, suddenly finding major flaws or some sort of dysfunction [insert facile mood disorder diagnosing of BPD and such here] to their partners after the breakup. Sometimes these flaws were always there, but they were blinded by their partner's hotness or the regular sex, their own insecurities, or sometimes the fact their partner did actually make the effort to be a good partner and respond to their needs with no reciprocation, so they were under the illusion that the relationship was great when they didn't lift a finger.

 

From the women's perspective: spending too long with a neglectful guy taking them for granted and having to tell them constantly what is wrong because they can't figure it out themselves. Sometimes down to poor communication skills or unresolved issues, but also because they are at the end of their tether.

 

Very rare are people who leave happy, fulfilling relationships so you have to ask yourself: what did you do, during the relationship, to make your partner feel loved in the way that works for her?

 

In the end though, it probably just comes down to incompatibility.

Edited March 10, 2017 by PrettyEmily77

[NeonKoss81]

That's not my personal experience - in my case, I said actual words, not given signals. Still nothing happened. So I left.

 

From observation though, and from talking to a few guys whose partners left them 'out of the blue' (never understood that phrase...), the trend is that these guys either are not good listeners or can't handle criticism.

 

From the men's perspective: blissful relationship broken down out of nowhere, suddenly finding major flaws or some sort of dysfunction [insert facile mood disorder diagnosing of BPD and such here] to their partners after the breakup. Sometimes these flaws were always there, but they were blinded by their partner's hotness or the regular sex, their own insecurities, or sometimes the fact their partner did actually make the effort to be a good partner and respond to their needs with no reciprocation, so they were under the illusion that the relationship was great when they didn't lift a finger.

 

From the women's perspective: spending too long with a neglectful guy taking them for granted and having to tell them constantly what is wrong because they can't figure it out themselves. Sometimes down to poor communication skills or unresolved issues, but also because they are at the end of their tether.

 

Very rare are people who leave happy, fulfilling relationships so you have to ask yourself: what did you do, during the relationship, to make your partner feel loved in the way that works for her?

 

In the end though, it probably just comes down to incompatibility.

 

OK, that's a good one, but I'll try,if not for a lack of trying:

 

It's always the men's fault, right?

Men are such impotent,neglective people who generally don't get "the signs". ..just like that..the generalities, the one-sided arguments, the patronising, the endless guilt trips, the threats..a whole armory of toxicity aimed at actual people, who unfortunately are not just friends, or sex buddies, but companions dedicated to their woman.

The lack of spending some actual time and try to explain what you actually feel,WITHOUT THREATENING THAT YOU'LL ABANDON SHIP,it's such a waste of time, isn't it?

Many women thing that their only input to the relationship is just being in one,and not contributing to the couple's well-being. Just stand there and ALWAYS wait for the other party (i.e. the "emotionally unintelligent" men stereotype) to fulfill all the insecurities and the gaps (usually,remains from previous relationships). Always giving vague answers and two-sided statements,which will provide a "justified" excuse,when they decide WAY LONG BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY SAY IT,that they don't want to stay in the relationship anymore.

To make things worse,they cannot think of a solution to a problem,but rather opt for the exit when things get hard. It is of no importance,whatsoever,if the man has other things on his head, like problems at work,or some personal fears,or anxiety,or family issues and has NOTHING to do with the relationship per se...

And whilst many women out there expect their life to be a part of some second rate romance out of Hollywood, well I've got news for you.WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD,LIFE IS NOT LIKE THIS.Life is more raw and flat,it's not a Hollywood romace flick.

Lots of women use the "I Love You" line, but instead they should say "I think I love you,but in any case let's just say I like spending time with you,without any serious commitment,because when I get bored or find another's flirtations more satisfying,I'll leave you and make you feel awful about it, stating you let me go".They are not going to leave you,just by by simply admitting they simply don't want you or they're bored or they like someone else.They'll leave as if they were the persecuted ones and they triumphed,white and shiny,and ALL of the BS that went doen was because of the man.ALL OF IT.They just waited there and giving you "signs" and this Sex and the City wisdom.

You cannot expect your partner to magically understand and solve all your life's problems, be it emotional,security,procreation...especially when you're mumbling all your problems through your teeth and not being clear on what you want from your partner and, after all, from your life.

Βut this guy will work for AND with you to make ends meet. And he's usually not the one to bail out. He's there right? And what is love in the deeper sense, after all? It's acceptance.You accept the other person with his flaws,with his insecurities and the whole package..which must also contain some good things, right?

Therefore, if you're not willing to accept the other person and actually WORK on the relationship, don't get in one. Don't try to satisfy your hyperflated ego, by hurting a person so bad and for so long.

Edited March 10, 2017 by NeonKoss81

[PrettyEmily77]

OK, that's a good one, but I'll try,if not for a lack of trying:

 

It's always the men's fault, right?

Men are such impotent,neglective people who generally don't get "the signs". ..just like that..the generalities, the one-sided arguments, the patronising, the endless guilt trips, the threats..a whole armory of toxicity aimed at actual people, who unfortunately are not just friends, or sex buddies, but companions dedicated to their woman.

The lack of spending some actual time and try to explain what you actually feel,WITHOUT THREATENING THAT YOU'LL ABANDON SHIP,it's such a waste of time, isn't it?

Many women thing that their only input to the relationship is just being in one,and not contributing to the couple's well-being. Just stand there and ALWAYS wait for the other party (i.e. the "emotionally unintelligent" men stereotype) to fulfill all the insecurities and the gaps (usually,remains from previous relationships). Always giving vague answers and two-sided statements,which will provide a "justified" excuse,when they decide WAY LONG BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY SAY IT,that they don't want to stay in the relationship anymore.

To make things worse,they cannot think of a solution to a problem,but rather opt for the exit when things get hard. It is of no importance,whatsoever,if the man has other things on his head, like problems at work,or some personal fears,or anxiety,or family issues and has NOTHING to do with the relationship per se...

And whilst many women out there expect their life to be a part of some second rate romance out of Hollywood, well I've got news for you.WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD,LIFE IS NOT LIKE THIS.Life is more raw and flat,it's not a Hollywood romace flick.

Lots of women use the "I Love You" line, but instead they should say "I think I love you,but in any case let's just say I like spending time with you,without any serious commitment,because when I get bored or find another's flirtations more satisfying,I'll leave you and make you feel awful about it, stating you let me go".They are not going to leave you,just by by simply admitting they simply don't want you or they're bored or they like someone else.They'll leave as if they were the persecuted ones and they triumphed,white and shiny,and ALL of the BS that went doen was because of the man.ALL OF IT.They just waited there and giving you "signs" and this Sex and the City wisdom.

You cannot expect your partner to magically understand and solve all your life's problems, be it emotional,security,procreation...especially when you're mumbling all your problems through your teeth and not being clear on what you want from your partner and, after all, from your life.

Βut this guy will work for AND with you to make ends meet. And he's usually not the one to bail out. He's there right? And what is love in the deeper sense, after all? It's acceptance.You accept the other person with his flaws,with his insecurities and the whole package..which must also contain some good things, right?

Therefore, if you're not willing to accept the other person and actually WORK on the relationship, don't get in one. Don't try to satisfy your hyperflated ego, by hurting a person so bad and for so long.

 

It's not always the man's fault, but do you understand that not bailing out isn't always the best solution when your partner doesn't feel it's going anywhere? Is there no part of you that thinks that perhaps, while you did have feelings for her, you didn't express them in the way she wanted them to? Was there no point where you thought 'I'm actually putting all the miles in this relationship, but this woman's hyperinflated ego isn't recognising it and is hurting me so bad that I can't take it anymore because I can see this is a dead end?' Do you not think that people don't set themselves to hurt others deliberately, and that they too are looking for happiness? Or are you limiting yourself to your own point of view?

 

What makes you stay in such a relationship, if you think the person you are with is forever dissatisfied / selfish / asking for too much / doesn't want to work on the relationship or is too ego-centric?

 

No-one has to put up with things they genuinely aren't happy with, and the thing is, people don't really change. Things can get better for a while with a bit of effort but if your natural communication styles don't match, and at least one of you doesn't see the point in trying, isn't it better in the long run to let them go (without bitterness, if at all possible)?

[Bromeo]

It's not always the man's fault, but do you understand that not bailing out isn't always the best solution when your partner doesn't feel it's going anywhere? Is there no part of you that thinks that perhaps, while you did have feelings for her, you didn't express them in the way she wanted them to? Was there no point where you thought 'I'm actually putting all the miles in this relationship, but this woman's hyperinflated ego isn't recognising it and is hurting me so bad that I can't take it anymore because I can see this is a dead end?' Do you not think that people don't set themselves to hurt others deliberately, and that they too are looking for happiness? Or are you limiting yourself to your own point of view?

 

What makes you stay in such a relationship, if you think the person you are with is forever dissatisfied / selfish / asking for too much / doesn't want to work on the relationship or is too ego-centric?

 

No-one has to put up with things they genuinely aren't happy with, and the thing is, people don't really change. Things can get better for a while with a bit of effort but if your natural communication styles don't match, and at least one of you doesn't see the point in trying, isn't it better in the long run to let them go (without bitterness, if at all possible)?

 

The "all the mans fault" or "all the woman's fault" is dangerously short sighted, and leads to extreme thinking, i.e. red pills, men going their own way, or anti-men feminist groups.

 

I would offer that the overwhelming majority of issues could be solved with crystal clear communication. I was ghosted after almost two years, and would have gladly talked our way through any issues.

 

No, a partner does not have to stay in situations where they feel unloved, disrespected, or anything else. However, unless their situation is dire, you disrespect yourself and your partner by failing to communicate either during the time together, or clearly during the time afterwards. Take the time to learn how each person communicates. My ex oddly spoke through internet quotes, at the beginning it was sweet and unique, now I never want to receive another.

 

Additionally, while I agree that people do not intend to hurt others, in many cases they do. Again I reference communication. Anecdotally, if my ex had been clear in the early stages of our breakup, I could have been saved months of pain, pain which still lingers.

 

I had a firearms instructor that stated that men only change in the wake of a "Significant Emotional Event" or SEE for short. Being that emotions affect the mind and body so strongly, that they can drive change in an otherwise set mindset and personality.

 

The breakup that drove me to LS was such an SEE for me. I find myself communicating much more clearly with people, sparing feelings when I can, and being more confident in expressing ideas and thoughts without fear of rejection or need for validation.

 

In my case, I submit that there were problems on both sides of my relationship. I wasn't fully over the hurt from my ex wife's, and she would disappear for weeks on end without speaking to me, and ignore, distance, and punish. Both were unhelpful, but, whatever pain there was could have been resolved if both parties were willing. She was not.

 

So, respectfully I disagree with the notion that people do not change. My experience is largely individual and empirical, and I understand that.

[PrettyEmily77]

The "all the mans fault" or "all the woman's fault" is dangerously short sighted, and leads to extreme thinking, i.e. red pills, men going their own way, or anti-men feminist groups.

 

I would offer that the overwhelming majority of issues could be solved with crystal clear communication. I was ghosted after almost two years, and would have gladly talked our way through any issues.

 

No, a partner does not have to stay in situations where they feel unloved, disrespected, or anything else. However, unless their situation is dire, you disrespect yourself and your partner by failing to communicate either during the time together, or clearly during the time afterwards. Take the time to learn how each person communicates. My ex oddly spoke through internet quotes, at the beginning it was sweet and unique, now I never want to receive another.

 

Additionally, while I agree that people do not intend to hurt others, in many cases they do. Again I reference communication. Anecdotally, if my ex had been clear in the early stages of our breakup, I could have been saved months of pain, pain which still lingers.

 

I had a firearms instructor that stated that men only change in the wake of a "Significant Emotional Event" or SEE for short. Being that emotions affect the mind and body so strongly, that they can drive change in an otherwise set mindset and personality.

 

The breakup that drove me to LS was such an SEE for me. I find myself communicating much more clearly with people, sparing feelings when I can, and being more confident in expressing ideas and thoughts without fear of rejection or need for validation.

 

In my case, I submit that there were problems on both sides of my relationship. I wasn't fully over the hurt from my ex wife's, and she would disappear for weeks on end without speaking to me, and ignore, distance, and punish. Both were unhelpful, but, whatever pain there was could have been resolved if both parties were willing. She was not.

 

So, respectfully I disagree with the notion that people do not change. My experience is largely individual and empirical, and I understand that.

 

I don't think it's a gender issue, and I agree that people can change to a point - because they want to, not because they are asked to change by someone else, or to please someone else. These things just can't last, both in my experience and observation.

 

Honestly, I don't think 'crystal clear communication' can solve everything - sometimes feelings change, life gets in the way, and differences are just too big to fix no matter how much you communicate. Maybe what someone sees as trivial the other person thinks is fundamental. For instance, I think that sharing the same political views is an essentially compatibility trait that others might disregard as unimportant; some want to be with a partner that constantly communicates when I don't think it's important, to the point that over-communication would drive me away; I don't need to know every detail of every event of my partner's past - some think no relationship can survive without that, etc (you get the idea). I can communicate these factors until I'm blue in the face, if we don't see eye to eye on that and compromises can't be made one way or the other, the relationship can't go on. Unfortunately, the only way to figure out how compatible you are with someone is by spending time, which means taking the risk of investing feelings.

 

I'm not invalidating your personal experience but it may simply have been a timing issue, or (as I mentioned upthread) some unresolved issues from one or both parties - ultimately though, a breakup is sign enough that the relationship wasn't working for at least one person - it doesn't make them dysfunctional, though. It just is what it is.

[NeonKoss81]

It's not always the man's fault, but do you understand that not bailing out isn't always the best solution when your partner doesn't feel it's going anywhere? Is there no part of you that thinks that perhaps, while you did have feelings for her, you didn't express them in the way she wanted them to? Was there no point where you thought 'I'm actually putting all the miles in this relationship, but this woman's hyperinflated ego isn't recognising it and is hurting me so bad that I can't take it anymore because I can see this is a dead end?' Do you not think that people don't set themselves to hurt others deliberately, and that they too are looking for happiness? Or are you limiting yourself to your own point of view?

 

What makes you stay in such a relationship, if you think the person you are with is forever dissatisfied / selfish / asking for too much / doesn't want to work on the relationship or is too ego-centric?

 

No-one has to put up with things they genuinely aren't happy with, and the thing is, people don't really change. Things can get better for a while with a bit of effort but if your natural communication styles don't match, and at least one of you doesn't see the point in trying, isn't it better in the long run to let them go (without bitterness, if at all possible)?

 

Love through acceptance.Encourage mutuality.Be honest when the problem arises.Let me put it this way..the person you are in relationship with is and should be a friend,first and foremost.A best friend kind of person.It's kinda stronger,though,because it involves the erotic element,as well.The real challenge is to keep a dynamic balance around this.

If your best friend told you that something about you bothered them,on the spot,wouldn't you attempt to sort it out?

Wouldn't you ask for a chance to make good on your relationship?

Wouldn't you engage in a serious conversation and an honest discussion about what you're giving and what you're asking in the course of your relationship?

Wouldn't you require all the available information and arguments be presented to you in an orderly and timely fashion,so that you have the chance to defend yourself or apologize?

You accept people in your life with all their goods or flaws.After all,nobody's perfect.Everyone makes mistakes.And to answer your question about the reasons why I wanted to be in a relationship with a person that had shortcomings like "forever dissatisfied / selfish / asking for too much / doesn't want to work on the relationship or is too ego-centric",I'll just tell you that I adjusted myself and compromised a little,because I loved the good traits of this person,and I thought I could manage them through more meaningful interaction with.My mistake is that I thought these were just facets of her behaviour during some days,and not ready-to-erupt volcanoes,which I, like many others,found out the hard way.

I can assure you that if a person (with whom I voluntarily entered a long term relationship because I loved her first and foremost),did something to make me feel unhappy,I would tell them.However,in cases like the one here,silence,passiveness and abrupt behavior is preferred to coming clean with your companion and make things better, IF you really want it.

Communication is something that can be worked in a couple,and sorry but I am hesitant to accept that "nobody changes essentially" concept.It's rigid.We are not the same people as we were months ago,let alone years.Everyone can change,based on the experience which mold them,and the challenges coming their way during their lifetime.

What I see in quite a few cases is that people are not prepared to enter a meaningful relationship.They go on with relationships like projects.Like setting a goal to build a house,or start a business,or buying a car...even though it is a project in one dimension,it is also a deeper spiritual and physical interaction.People are not willing to work on their relationship.They prefer the easy way of ending everything,based on a mood swing or an illogical premonition,which has no actual base or evidence.And to do this,the dumper chooses from a data set of excuses,which are all the same,universally,and I'd love to start a thread on that..

Of course, there are cases where abuse of any kind is present,and the relationship must end,for the sake of both people involved.However,being passive and not actively engaging to reveal all the underlying problems that may have arisen during the relationship is problematic.

Edited March 10, 2017 by NeonKoss81

[PrettyEmily77]

Love through acceptance.Encourage mutuality.Be honest when the problem arises.Let me put it this way..the person you are in relationship with is and should be a friend,first and foremost.A best friend kind of person.It's kinda stronger,though,because it involves the erotic element,as well.The real challenge is to keep a dynamic balance around this.

If your best friend told you that something about you bothered them,on the spot,wouldn't you attempt to sort it out?

Wouldn't you ask for a chance to make good on your relationship?

Wouldn't you engage in a serious conversation and an honest discussion about what you're giving and what you're asking in the course of your relationship?

Wouldn't you require all the available information and arguments be presented to you in an orderly and timely fashion,so that you have the chance to defend yourself or apologize?

You accept people in your life with all their goods or flaws.After all,nobody's perfect.Everyone makes mistakes.And to answer your question about the reasons why I wanted to be in a relationship with a person that had shortcomings like "forever dissatisfied / selfish / asking for too much / doesn't want to work on the relationship or is too ego-centric",I'll just tell you that I adjusted myself and compromised a little,because I loved the good traits of this person,and I thought I could manage them through more meaningful interaction with.My mistake is that I thought these were just facets of her behaviour during some days,and not ready-to-erupt volcanoes,which I, like many others,found out the hard way.

I can assure you that if a person (with whom I voluntarily entered a long term relationship because I loved her first and foremost),did something to make me feel unhappy,I would tell them.However,in cases like the one here,silence,passiveness and abrupt behavior is preferred to coming clean with your companion and make things better, IF you really want it.

Communication is something that can be worked in a couple,and sorry but I am hesitant to accept that "nobody changes essentially" concept.It's rigid.We are not the same people as we were months ago,let alone years.Everyone can change,based on the experience which mold them,and the challenges coming their way during their lifetime.

What I see in quite a few cases is that people are not prepared to enter a meaningful relationship.They go on with relationships like projects.Like setting a goal to build a house,or start a business,or buying a car...even though it is a project in one dimension,it is also a deeper spiritual and physical interaction.People are not willing to work on their relationship.They prefer the easy way of ending everything,based on a mood swing or an illogical premonition,which has no actual base or evidence.And to do this,the dumper chooses from a data set of excuses,which are all the same,universally,and I'd love to start a thread on that..

Of course, there are cases where abuse of any kind is present,and the relationship must end,for the sake of both people involved.However,being passive and not actively engaging to reveal all the underlying problems that may have arisen during the relationship is problematic.

 

Sure, people enter relationships for all sorts of reasons; they also leave them for all sorts of reasons.

 

You can think that only your reasons are good, that only you are doing it the right way, that you are the better person in the relationship, that the other person is acting irrationally or without evidence, or you can accept that the person who has chosen to leave has their own reasons, that you can't control their feelings or reactions, you can't make them work at something if they feel it's a lost cause (as is their prerogative) and you move on, better prepared for your next relationship.

 

Of course post-breakup, it is totally natural to feel vulnerable, sad and hurt, but ultimately either over-analysing it or short-changing your healing process by dumping it all on your ex (or taking sole blame for it) will prolong the agony.

 

But you know, you're entitled to feel however you want to feel so if you think your ex left because she couldn't be bothered to work things out, that's your call.

[safeinside]

Men are equally as bas as women. Mostly for taking women for granted, but for the most part they will usually stay in a relationship because they dont want the trauma of ending it. Now we are on the subject tho, this is the problem with females.

90% of the girls i know have ended the relationship months if not years before they tell the other person. I know a girl who was still with a guy 2 years after she had broken it off, just because she wanted to use him as that crutch to get over it, then poof, shes gone. Hes in turmoil and has no idea.

 

If you really want to end things, and this goes for guys and girls, then just do it. If you feel like it will end unless it changes, then give some instructions.

Women will mostly always want to be friends after a relationship. My ex begged me to be friends then told me i was a poor human for refusing and how sad it was i could just ditch someone from my life. Which is ironic as i was being broken up with!

 

Men suffer a lot in break ups and don't have a support system. Thats why they can do such stupid things. I know so many men that have just fallen to pieces.

And im not saying its all womens fault, or all mens fault. But i do think its probably 60-40 women breaking it off to me, and those breakups could be handled better. If you're with someone while u are getting over them, do both of yourselves a favor and cut it off

[SevenCity]

I don't think it's a gender issue, and I agree that people can change to a point - because they want to, not because they are asked to change by someone else, or to please someone else. These things just can't last, both in my experience and observation.

 

Honestly, I don't think 'crystal clear communication' can solve everything -

 

It can't, but it sure would prevent a lot of breakups. Men communicate very clearly. We use specific examples and communicate our needs. Women often do not. They communicate by much more subtle ways. Like shutting down and getting upset about something the guy did today because 5 years ago he did the same thing and she never mentioned it upset her at the time because she didn't want to make a "big deal" out of it.

 

sometimes feelings change,

 

This is a cop out. Feelings don't change for no reason. Feelings change because the person is not receiving what they need to feel loved. Unfortunately, women do not often communicate what these things are and expect the man to figure it out.

 

life gets in the way, and differences are just too big to fix no matter how much you communicate. Maybe what someone sees as trivial the other person thinks is fundamental. For instance, I think that sharing the same political views is an essentially compatibility trait that others might disregard as unimportant;

 

Sometimes differences are too big - but this is what communication brings out. When two adults communicate, they can arrive to this decision together. It often results in a lot less hurt and pain if both parties are clear about conflicting expectations.

 

some want to be with a partner that constantly communicates when I don't think it's important, to the point that over-communication would drive me away; I don't need to know every detail of every event of my partner's past - some think no relationship can survive without that, etc (you get the idea). I can communicate these factors until I'm blue in the face, if we don't see eye to eye on that and compromises can't be made one way or the other, the relationship can't go on. Unfortunately, the only way to figure out how compatible you are with someone is by spending time, which means taking the risk of investing feelings.

 

Clear communication can surface incompatibilities quicker, resulting in less invested feelings.

 

I'm not invalidating your personal experience but it may simply have been a timing issue, or (as I mentioned upthread) some unresolved issues from one or both parties - ultimately though, a breakup is sign enough that the relationship wasn't working for at least one person - it doesn't make them dysfunctional, though. It just is what it is.

 

The point isn't that the relationship was working, the point was that women "check out" weeks, months, YEARS before rather than just stating "It makes me feel unloved when you do X". Instead, they hope the guy will figure it out through the unclear signals (which may appear to be clear as a bell to the woman) what's wrong.

 

When he doesn't, she slowly falls out of love with him to the point where she begins to resent him. At this point, she then tells him about it. It's too late. That's why it hits guys "out of the blue". Not because we are stupid, but because we communicate differently then women do.

An example. Say a woman had their car break down:

 

Woman: "My car broke down in the middle of the highway!"

 

Woman's female friend: "OMG you must have been so scared! That must have been scary waiting on the side of the road for a tow truck. You must have been so frustrated because you just had it in for service last month. It's so hard to find a good mechanic. You poor thing - that must have ruined your entire day!

- Notice how the responses are all tied to emotions

 

Woman's boyfriend: That sucks, you should have called me. That's why I was saying to have the battery replaced last week. It was old and they only last about 5 years if you're lucky. I've got a great mechanic - I'll take the car in for you and have him do a full inspection so this won't happen again.

- Notice how he is trying to FIX the problem. THIS is what guys do. He does not mean to invalidate her feelings, he just sees everything as a problem that requires fixing. Not emotions, but resolutions. This is how guys show love - by fixing problems.

 

It's these communication differences that split up couples. Throw a few dozen of these exchanges about various topics and the woman starts to feel he doesn't care about her feelings. She will then start backing off her investment, fall out of love, then inform the guy when it is too late to correct.

 

If women wish not repeat this cycle of dumping and starting over again, they would be best served to say "When you said X it made me feel like Y". Again, guys are problem solvers. We feel great when we are able to resolve issues. We give up when we can't. When receiving a response of "Nothing" to an inquiry of "What's wrong" it shuts us down and makes us stop trying.

 

Communication is the single most important aspect of a healthy relationship.

[safeinside]

It can't, but it sure would prevent a lot of breakups. Men communicate very clearly. We use specific examples and communicate our needs. Women often do not. They communicate by much more subtle ways. Like shutting down and getting upset about something the guy did today because 5 years ago he did the same thing and she never mentioned it upset her at the time because she didn't want to make a "big deal" out of it.

 

 

 

This is a cop out. Feelings don't change for no reason. Feelings change because the person is not receiving what they need to feel loved. Unfortunately, women do not often communicate what these things are and expect the man to figure it out.

 

 

 

Sometimes differences are too big - but this is what communication brings out. When two adults communicate, they can arrive to this decision together. It often results in a lot less hurt and pain if both parties are clear about conflicting expectations.

 

 

 

Clear communication can surface incompatibilities quicker, resulting in less invested feelings.

 

 

 

The point isn't that the relationship was working, the point was that women "check out" weeks, months, YEARS before rather than just stating "It makes me feel unloved when you do X". Instead, they hope the guy will figure it out through the unclear signals (which may appear to be clear as a bell to the woman) what's wrong.

 

When he doesn't, she slowly falls out of love with him to the point where she begins to resent him. At this point, she then tells him about it. It's too late. That's why it hits guys "out of the blue". Not because we are stupid, but because we communicate differently then women do.

An example. Say a woman had their car break down:

 

Woman: "My car broke down in the middle of the highway!"

 

Woman's female friend: "OMG you must have been so scared! That must have been scary waiting on the side of the road for a tow truck. You must have been so frustrated because you just had it in for service last month. It's so hard to find a good mechanic. You poor thing - that must have ruined your entire day!

- Notice how the responses are all tied to emotions

 

Woman's boyfriend: That sucks, you should have called me. That's why I was saying to have the battery replaced last week. It was old and they only last about 5 years if you're lucky. I've got a great mechanic - I'll take the car in for you and have him do a full inspection so this won't happen again.

- Notice how he is trying to FIX the problem. THIS is what guys do. He does not mean to invalidate her feelings, he just sees everything as a problem that requires fixing. Not emotions, but resolutions. This is how guys show love - by fixing problems.

 

It's these communication differences that split up couples. Throw a few dozen of these exchanges about various topics and the woman starts to feel he doesn't care about her feelings. She will then start backing off her investment, fall out of love, then inform the guy when it is too late to correct.

 

If women wish not repeat this cycle of dumping and starting over again, they would be best served to say "When you said X it made me feel like Y". Again, guys are problem solvers. We feel great when we are able to resolve issues. We give up when we can't. When receiving a response of "Nothing" to an inquiry of "What's wrong" it shuts us down and makes us stop trying.

 

Communication is the single most important aspect of a healthy relationship.

 

This is EXACTLY what happened in my relationship.

My ex was having a hard time so i spent months trying to fix things for her, financially so she could have more freedom. I was so stressed doing this.

Then i get the, "you never ask me how i am, i cry myself to sleep every night, you don't care"

And im literally killing myself trying to fix her problems because for me thats what u do with a problem, you try and fix it.

 

Then i get the you dont love me enough im leaving. Its a total lack of communcation on both sides and a waste of a relationship that otherwise had nothing wrong with it. Im left feeling as unappreciated as she was

[SevenCity]

This is EXACTLY what happened in my relationship.

My ex was having a hard time so i spent months trying to fix things for her, financially so she could have more freedom. I was so stressed doing this.

Then i get the, "you never ask me how i am, i cry myself to sleep every night, you don't care"

And im literally killing myself trying to fix her problems because for me thats what u do with a problem, you try and fix it.

 

Then i get the you dont love me enough im leaving. Its a total lack of communcation on both sides and a waste of a relationship that otherwise had nothing wrong with it. Im left feeling as unappreciated as she was

 

You, me, and a million other guys. I knew this stuff before my breakup but had forgotten about it as the years went by. I figured everything was fine because she didn't voice any problems. When I asked what was wrong she said "Nothing". Nothing means nothing in my book. It doesn't mean "If you really care about me you'll probe and break down my walls until you uncover the real issues".

 

Unfortunately, most women you run into are going to be like this. They typically dump for one of two reasons:

 

1) The above which can be categorized under "Taking me for granted"

2) You acting too needy and beta "I can't live without you, I don't know what I would do if I never met you", etc.

 

I found both Corey Wayne and Craig Kenneth very helpful in describing this dynamic. I would highly recommend reading Corey's book (How to be a 3% Man) and watching both of their videos on YouTube. It will make you feel like s*&t because had you learned this before you likely could have prevented the breakup, but it will also give you tools for the next girl and allow you to never make these mistakes again.

 

It's frustrating as a guy you have to learn to accommodate the communication needs of a woman and they don't have to with you, but they are the ones with choice. If things aren't working out with you there are a 100 guys lined up ready to take your place....and they KNOW it. Often they will have one of their orbiters pulled in closer to soften the blow of the breakup. The guy that was "just a friend".

 

Women don't understand the lack of choice guys have. You will see them constantly say "Why not just dump her?" or "You're better off finding someone else". I don't blame them - the do not have a common frame of reference. They can't understand how hard it is to find a girl for the average guy. When the sign up on OLD they have hundreds of guys messaging them - they can't fathom the rejection and flakiness a guy goes through.

 

A female friend of mine asks why I'm going out on dates with girls who live an hour away like I'm a nut. Because that is what my choices are. She lives at home with her mother, is 39 years old, doesn't work and had guys falling all over her. She doesn't understand how a normal good looking guy like myself could have trouble to the point where I have to travel for a date. It just doesn't make sense to her.

 

Think of it like the economy. When the economy is great companies bend over backwards to make their employees happy. When it is bad they treat them like crap and don't care if they leave as they are easily replaceable. Women rarely have a bad economy. Kids, debt, overweight, you name it, there is some guy out there who not only wants it but has to have it. The better looking they are the better their economy.

 

As a guy you have to realize this and adjust the way you treat a woman. Never stand for being treated like a door mat, but understand that women base actions on emotion and want to talk about problems rather than fixing them. The latter says "You don't care about me and you think I'm not capable of handling my problems". They feel negated and will fall out of love as a result. It is a slow process which is why most guys miss the signs.

 

So your revenge is to better yourself and understanding of women and make it so YOU are the one to end a RL rather than her next time.

 

It's a long road to recovery but you have to get on and start today. Once the thought of dating doesn't turn your stomach, get back out there and start practicing your new skills. You will get better over time and when you finally do meet the next great love of your life you will have experience and know what to do right to keep her.

[PrettyEmily77]

It can't, but it sure would prevent a lot of breakups. Men communicate very clearly. We use specific examples and communicate our needs. Women often do not. They communicate by much more subtle ways. Like shutting down and getting upset about something the guy did today because 5 years ago he did the same thing and she never mentioned it upset her at the time because she didn't want to make a "big deal" out of it.

 

That's one sweeping generalisation if I ever saw one! Some men are very poor communicators, some men are super controlling and will tell you straight up what they want without accepting a compromise my way or the highway-style, some men need a prompter for the tiniest little thing, some men trivialise women's 'emotions' on the basis that they are irrational and illogical without actually taking the time to understand, some men talk the good talk but don't deliver at crisis time, some women communicate perfectly well to no avail, etc... Making it a gender issue is mistake, I think.

 

This is a cop out. Feelings don't change for no reason. Feelings change because the person is not receiving what they need to feel loved. Unfortunately, women do not often communicate what these things are and expect the man to figure it out.

 

Or they communicate it but the guy can't be bothered; or the guy makes actual zero efforts to figure it out himself - no sense of initiative, no nice gestures just because, always needs to play by a script.

 

 

Sometimes differences are too big - but this is what communication brings out. When two adults communicate, they can arrive to this decision together. It often results in a lot less hurt and pain if both parties are clear about conflicting expectations.

 

Sometimes. Or simply the realisation that the relationship is doomed for failure.

 

Clear communication can surface incompatibilities quicker, resulting in less invested feelings.

 

Agreed, but people aren't robots - sometimes, feelings will develop regardless.

 

 

 

The point isn't that the relationship was working, the point was that women "check out" weeks, months, YEARS before rather than just stating "It makes me feel unloved when you do X". Instead, they hope the guy will figure it out through the unclear signals (which may appear to be clear as a bell to the woman) what's wrong.

 

When he doesn't, she slowly falls out of love with him to the point where she begins to resent him. At this point, she then tells him about it. It's too late. That's why it hits guys "out of the blue". Not because we are stupid, but because we communicate differently then women do.

An example. Say a woman had their car break down:

 

Woman: "My car broke down in the middle of the highway!"

 

Woman's female friend: "OMG you must have been so scared! That must have been scary waiting on the side of the road for a tow truck. You must have been so frustrated because you just had it in for service last month. It's so hard to find a good mechanic. You poor thing - that must have ruined your entire day!

- Notice how the responses are all tied to emotions

 

Woman's boyfriend: That sucks, you should have called me. That's why I was saying to have the battery replaced last week. It was old and they only last about 5 years if you're lucky. I've got a great mechanic - I'll take the car in for you and have him do a full inspection so this won't happen again.

- Notice how he is trying to FIX the problem. THIS is what guys do. He does not mean to invalidate her feelings, he just sees everything as a problem that requires fixing. Not emotions, but resolutions. This is how guys show love - by fixing problems.

 

It's these communication differences that split up couples. Throw a few dozen of these exchanges about various topics and the woman starts to feel he doesn't care about her feelings. She will then start backing off her investment, fall out of love, then inform the guy when it is too late to correct.

 

 

Why didn't the guy in your example just say 'oh babe, here have a hug...Why not call me next time it happens and I'll sort it out for you no problem? At least now you have a brand new battery that'll last you years' instead of insensitively making her feel a little useless for not changing the battery last week? How is that helping or fixing things?

 

If women wish not repeat this cycle of dumping and starting over again, they would be best served to say "When you said X it made me feel like Y". Again, guys are problem solvers. We feel great when we are able to resolve issues. We give up when we can't. When receiving a response of "Nothing" to an inquiry of "What's wrong" it shuts us down and makes us stop trying.

 

Some, not all, are problem solvers. Some, not all, are actually good at it. If you're asking what's wrong, does that not mean you can sense something is?