Dbne Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 TLDR I messed up, she may be dating someone else, and shes relocating soon. I was dating a truly wonderful girl for almost 2 years. As these things go, about a month and a half ago, I broke it off with her. Lots of stress, no downtime, other silly reasons, and I made a rash decision. I felt neither of us were happy, and I felt like neither of us shared love with each other like we once did, we were both trying to just 'take'. She wanted to do a "take a break", instead of completely breaking up. I agreed, and in the next couple of weeks, realized how many of my actions were to blame for our problems. I realized that I was selfish, lazy and weak about many things. I don't want to put her on a pedestal, but it was very much a case of me truly realizing that the majority of issues were my fault. Long story short, after a couple of weeks, after committing to my self to making changes, I went to meet up with her with the intention of starting it up again, or better, a new relationship. I immediately recognized her 'vibe' and knew she had moved on with someone else to some degree. We spoke a few days later, and she confirmed she had reconnected with an old friend. We hugged, and she cried, said ours was the best relationship shes ever had. She said it was sad but the right thing to do. We promised to stay in contact, and stay friends. This was all very honest as far as I could tell. I was very hurt, but went along with it instead of telling her how I feel, I felt like I owed her that at this point. Well, then I feel like I did about the dumbest thing you can do. Over the next week, and emailed her an email about "how sorry I was". I called once, obviously shaken, trying to apologize. About a day later, I sent another email, sounding remorseful trying to tell her that I have changed. She responded with a very angry letter, saying 'too little too late' 'why are you telling me this now?' Completely understandable especially if she has been intrigued by someone new, after I dumped her. She has every reason to be upset, so I wrote Another (I know) email explaining some things that were not correct, (she thought I had gone out with another girl) and again telling her I'm sorry, but that if she has found love I can't interfere. This has been a month ago, NC since then. I feel a huge amount of regret, both about my role in the relationship, and the breakup. As time passes, I find myself thinking about her 'more', and the feelings are not going away. It's both the pain of losing her, and the greater pain of realizing my role in things. I've been in several LTR, and I haven't ever felt this before, I feel like I screwed up with the love of my life. I want to reach out to her, call her and try to at least meet up. The thing is, I know I first broke her heart by breaking up with her, then destroyed any respect she had for me by writing those letters. I've implemented huge changes in my life (e.g. I've lost 25 pounds so far) and I want to reconcile. I don't know if she is seeing someone else, I don't know if she hates me, all I know is she hasn't contacted me, and the kicker is, shes moving to grad school probably in the late summer. (I was planning on going with her when we were together). I know that NC is the only way, but I feel if don't 'act' soon, I'll lose her completely. Should I be ok giving her another 2-3 weeks, then attempting a phone call to meet? Should I do it sooner? I have no idea if she is in another relationship right now, in honeymoon phase, or what is going on. I feel like she is definitely hurt, has lost respect for me. I also genuinely believe she is the kind of person that would appreciate an effort on my part. Would want me to 'fight for her' if I really wanted her. My previous actions with the emails did not make that clear. At the time, I felt it more important to 'let her go' out of respect for her new life. I'm moving on to the best of my ability, but think of her all the time. Any thoughts or questions are greatly appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Something about the relationship wasn't working for you. None of those things have been addressed. You are simply having a version of what I call "dumper's remorse". It's kind of like buyer's remorse. You second guess your decision. However, you dumped her. She doesn't trust you. She also has a new relationship. Leave her in peace.
springy Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Unfortunately it does not sound like she is interested in meeting up; I'm not sure that much will change two weeks from now but you could always give it a shot. Are you sure you really want her, or is it a case of wanting what you can't have? You said you felt she was unhappy...maybe that was true? Did she agree that she was not happy too? Your feelings are normal for someone fresh out of a 2 year relationship. It will get better in time. What was her response to your final attempt to contact her? 1
Author Dbne Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 Thank you for your quick and honest reply d0nnivain. I do feel that there were things that weren't working, and I sincerely believe most of it was my fault, my issues. Giving her a hard time about things, and not being present with her. I've been going to counseling, asking myself hard questions and realizations. To clarify, I don't know if she has a new relationship, if she's dating or what is going on. It's been NC. I will say if I knew she was, I would leave her in peace.
Author Dbne Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 Thank you springy. Good questions, I realize it's difficult to give a completely objective answer, being so close to the situation. That being said, it's been a month of asking myself this, and yes I do really want to reconcile. I absolutely believe she was happy for the majority of the relationship. She was pushing for more commitment until the very end (which I backed away from) I do feel like my distance towards her at the end of the relationship caused her to lose respect for me, and a degree of happiness for sure. The last time I communicated with her, I sent a long email, apologizing for my part, expressed regret, and respected her decision if she had found love and said "I can't interfere". No reply from that.
dumbass2 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 "No reply from that." And that is your answer. It is only up to her if she wants to open that door again. You cannot force things. You've done way more than enough and if you try and fight harder for her it just might leave a worse lasting impression then you've already left and with her never coming back. That's the risk you take by perusing her before she leaves. Do what you must, but I think you stand a better chance (if there even is one) of her contacting you a ways down the road after the recent raw emotions and all the stuff you've done have a chance to subside. It's just all too fresh and there is no way in hell she'll believe you've changed is so little time. She's probably sensed that at this point you would say anything to get her back.
LitTunnel Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 (edited) Bro, don't make my mistake. I did the whole chase thing and it only worked totally, TOTALLY against me. Leave her alone. If she wants to contact you, she will. Think of it this way, every time you reach out to her you're only pushing her further and further away. Women don't want us guys chasing them. What they should be feeling is the absence of you. That will raise her intrigue. Once intrigued, crazy thoughts form. Crazy thoughts=reaching out. At that point you do what you feel is right. But don't contact her ever again unless she contacts you. If she leaves, she leaves. Nothing else you can do. Women who feel their exes weak builds their self-confidence more and more. Don't give away all your power to her dude because that's what you've already begun doing. You still have a chance to save face. Fall back and continue to work on yourself. Start dating when you feel ready. Who knows, maybe down the line she'll contact you bro. Be patient!!! Don't listen to the "I gotta do something" voice. It's a trick of the mind. It means absolutely nothing. But you won't listen. You're going to do it anyways so don't say we didn't warn you:) Edited March 9, 2017 by LitTunnel 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Thank you springy. Good questions, I realize it's difficult to give a completely objective answer, being so close to the situation. That being said, it's been a month of asking myself this, and yes I do really want to reconcile. I absolutely believe she was happy for the majority of the relationship. She was pushing for more commitment until the very end (which I backed away from) I do feel like my distance towards her at the end of the relationship caused her to lose respect for me, and a degree of happiness for sure. The last time I communicated with her, I sent a long email, apologizing for my part, expressed regret, and respected her decision if she had found love and said "I can't interfere". No reply from that. This is your answer, OP. She does not want to communicate with you at this time. Don't bother reaching out in 2 or 3 weeks. It's nowhere near enough time for the dust to have settled. You really have no choice but to just leave her alone for a while. If you don't, you could easily find yourself blocked completely. She knows how to contact you if she wants to talk. 1
Author Dbne Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 Thank you dumbass 2(lol), LitTunnel , and ExpatInItaly. I took a chance with the email, feeling, that she needed and deserved to know how I feel, aware of the possibility that I was giving her some power. I did, and still do honestly feel like she deserves that, and it was one of those things where the timing may not have been beneficial for me, but I've already hurt her enough and it was the right thing to do. I think y'all are right. I think I'll push that date back, maybe even 3 more months, and see what happens. See how I even feel at that point. This will give me time to work on myself. My (irrational?) mind keeps telling me if she see's the physical changes, she'll be more inclined to believe "oh crap he really has changed." I know emotions don't work like that. The thing with this is, the more time that passes, the more I can improve in all areas as well. Littunnel, weird synchronicity, one of her last communications with me via FB was her saying something about "light at the end of the tunnel." lol. The content of your post really impacted my thoughts. When you said "you're gonna do it anyways." Yeah, I might, but it won't be in the original time frame of the next 2-3 weeks. It won't be until I'm strong enough to be completely OK with whatever she says. I'm gonna give several months and then see what happens. Thank you so. If anyone else is reading this, I'm 37, been through plenty of breakups. This is by far the most painful feelings I've had in any of Going to bed and waking up thinking of her. Big part of that 25 pound weightloss is that I simply can't eat. The pain is immense. I broke up with her, without truly realizing my role, without clearly thinking through the ramifications of what it would mean to be without her. I've lost my best friend, my lover, and for now sacrificed all the potentialities of what could have been a beautiful future together. Do whatever it takes to stay present with your partner, and appreciate their virtues. Before you rashly break it off, sit down and talk with them and express everything you can, you may not get a second chance.
Sweetfish Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I was dating a truly wonderful girl for almost 2 years. As these things go, about a month and a half ago, I broke it off with her. Lots of stress, no downtime, other silly reasons, and I made a rash decision. I felt neither of us were happy, and I felt like neither of us shared love with each other like we once did, we were both trying to just 'take'. She wanted to do a "take a break", instead of completely breaking up. I agreed, and in the next couple of weeks, realized how many of my actions were to blame for our problems. I realized that I was selfish, lazy and weak about many things. I don't want to put her on a pedestal, but it was very much a case of me truly realizing that the majority of issues were my fault. Can you lay out in details what you did that was selfish and weak? Also, when you took the break were you clear about what your were doing? Did you try to take control of the relationship on your own and make decision (lack of communication) that the relationship has bumps by discussing it with her.? its almost like you knew the relationship could terminate soon, so you decided to pull the plug. Long story short, after a couple of weeks, after committing to my self to making changes, I went to meet up with her with the intention of starting it up again, or better, a new relationship. I immediately recognized her 'vibe' and knew she had moved on with someone else to some degree. You could have made these self changes in the relationship instead of breaking up.. Break-up is pretty damaging to the other person and if you gave her any of the cliche lines of "its not me its you" or "I need to work on my self" she will think there is another person involved (maybe* and I'll touch on that) her friends or family will tell her someone else is involved. Well, then I feel like I did about the dumbest thing you can do. Over the next week, and emailed her an email about "how sorry I was". I called once, obviously shaken, trying to apologize. About a day later, I sent another email, sounding remorseful trying to tell her that I have changed. She responded with a very angry letter, saying 'too little too late' 'why are you telling me this now?' Completely understandable especially if she has been intrigued by someone new, after I dumped her. She has every reason to be upset, so I wrote Another (I know) email explaining some things that were not correct, (she thought I had gone out with another girl) and again telling her I'm sorry, but that if she has found love I can't interfere.Reality check. When you dumped her was she begging for you or writing you letters. No she wasn't. (unless you left that out) Maybe she wasn't invested as much as you think she was and it wasn't in her interest to fix a damaged relationship. She had no problem in weeks to connect with an old friend. Sounds like she was already checking out and you sensed this and you bailed ship first. Conveniently she just had another man in the closet just in case this one failed right (an old friend?) Being in a 2 year relationship its not healthy to jump into another relation in a matter of weeks as a HEALTHY person can not dump the love for another person so easily (unless she was checking out because you treated her like crap or not happy with the relationship) You are in one of the worse scenarios of being a dumper and dumpee in one swift kick. You get to feel of dumpers regret and rejection with loss of power and you have to constantly shift from dumper to dumpee. This has been a month ago, NC since then. I feel a huge amount of regret, both about my role in the relationship, and the breakup. As time passes, I find myself thinking about her 'more', and the feelings are not going away. It's both the pain of losing her, and the greater pain of realizing my role in things. I've been in several LTR, and I haven't ever felt this before, I feel like I screwed up with the love of my life.There will be tons of pain. You will have peaks of sadness. Some feel it in the morning when they wake-up, others feel progressively worse as the days turn into night. The sadness will turn into all shades of emotions. You will start to she how she played a role in the demise of the relationship (no one is perfect) Obviously, she was doing something that made you leave as well..because if you truly lover her you would not have attempt to leave the relationship unless you knew the relationship was sinking. I want to reach out to her, call her and try to at least meet up. The thing is, I know I first broke her heart by breaking up with her, then destroyed any respect she had for me by writing those letters. Like everyone said... NO Right now you have been devalued and in her "black" state of mind. If she is in a relationship within weeks she is in a rebound. Nothing... ABSOLUTELY nothing will reverse her decision in this state of mind and it can take 6-8 months sometimes years to regain your value. (maybe) You contact her and you will push her more into the abyss. the new relationship has to run its course....with out you meddling with it.. She is with a new man.. consider it over. You need to be a man and continue with your life. The only way you can reconcile is to walk away completely. That is the only way...completely take your self out of her life and go your own way and become that better guy for YOU. because it DOES not happen in weeks. You don't change in weeks.. the sense of urgency may have guided you... but it takes months if not years to change. the kicker is, shes moving to grad school probably in the late summer. (I was planning on going with her when we were together)Like moving? 1
Sweetfish Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 If anyone else is reading this, I'm 37, been through plenty of breakups. This is by far the most painful feelings I've had in any of Going to bed and waking up thinking of her. Big part of that 25 pound weightloss is that I simply can't eat. The pain is immense. I broke up with her, without truly realizing my role, without clearly thinking through the ramifications of what it would mean to be without her. I've lost my best friend, my lover, and for now sacrificed all the potentialities of what could have been a beautiful future together. Do whatever it takes to stay present with your partner, and appreciate their virtues. Before you rashly break it off, sit down and talk with them and express everything you can, you may not get a second chance. This is the mean part. Your 37 years old and you noted you were lazy and weak. Ask your self this question "are you where you want to be?" You have your career or job in check? Fiscally stable? What is your role? It sounds like you don't have a handle on your self and this was part of the demise of the relationship...correct me if i am wrong. Maybe you felt complacency and low self esteem and hand grenade the relationship. But, I would like to hear exactly the reason why you left the relationship and what gave you the urge to leave. 1
Author Dbne Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 Sweetfish, wow, thank you very much for taking the time to write all this out. Very intuitive thoughts and good questions to ask. Thanks for your empathy and understanding of the pain, and the encouragement to go forward. And yes, as you said, its the double whammy, dumper and dumpee at same time. I'll reply to your questions one by one. A note, I've been going to two counselors since the breakup, who have helped me gain clearer perspective. I mention this because it was important to me to understand if it was just severe 'breakup regret' and seeing through her flaws, or if the problems were more rooted in my behavior. Yes, of course she had some flaws, but counseling has allowed me to understand that the majority of issues were created by me. Selfish in that I wasn't 'present' for her as much as I should have been. Weak in that, I let the periphery of life affect me waaay to much, stressed way too much over things that now I realize were ridiculous, OCD issues with certain things such as house cleanliness. She had vested interests in many things, and I consistently didn't provide her with the proper amount of support. Were you clear about what your were doing? The breakup came on the back of two extremely stressful months, and no I wasn't clear at all when I broke up with her. It was rash, and honestly completely out of character for me. I was frustrated and aggravated, stressed and fed up with many things at that point. Wish I would have talked to her first. Sounds like she was already checking out and you sensed this I did feel that we had lost mutual respect for each other, and that things were going downhill. I'm struggling now with the realization that a great majority of our conflict was me not listening, basically being a jerk. Part of this was that she was wanting me to commit to move with her, and I wouldn't do it. I'm in school again right now, part time work, so while it would have taken some effort on my part, I kept shutting that door to the possibility of it. so you decided to pull the plug. I did feel like if things didn't change in our dynamic (at the time I blamed her) it would end, so yes, in that regard, it led to my decision to break. Did she have someone on a short list in case things went bad? Looks like it now for sure, but after being dumped, eh, I can't really blame her for acting on it can I? You could have made these self changes in the relationship instead of breaking up You're completely right, I could have, I should have and I started to make changes, just too late. As for what I said, I told her we weren't compatible. This is the mean part. What is your role? The mean part? No, not at all, very accurate. I appreciate your words. My role as in, "my role" in creating negative situations by not listening to her, exacerbating situations instead of reconciling. She could be a bit smothering, but god man, if your biggest relationship problem is that your GF wants to spend more time with you, rough life huh? There is no career right now. I have a degree and have worked all kinds of jobs, but I chose to go back to school (3 years in), working part time. I'm where I want to be to the best of my ability, killing it in school, but of course as a 37 y/o man, it is a constant source of insecurity that I'm not where many other people are at this stage in life. Certainly I felt complacency and low self esteem, and that is a very accurate description of what I feel I did, 'hand grenaded it." Ultimately, I left the relationship because I over reacted to several stressors, school, commitment to moving, her wanting more commitment from me, and just didn't want to deal with everything. I felt that she was contributing to the weight, and twisted in my head that she didn't really love me or she would be more understanding of my situation. It is impossible to tell, if I would have given more, would she have wanted more? Etc. But, looking back on the breakup, It's hard to not see my actions as a bit crazy. For what it is worth, I do not know if she is in a relationship right now, if they went out, slept together or if she made the story up. She is probably dating around. This doesn't really change anything, but wanted to be clear that I would not having considerations of involving myself at all if I knew she was indeed in another relationship already, rebound or otherwise. That leads to my original query as to whether or not I should try contact her at some point in person, though I will be taking everyone's advice in regards to NC. Either way, it seems to be the thing to do.
Author Dbne Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 Yes, like moving. But I never fully committed.
spiderowl Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 If she hasn't got back to you, then I would not try to contact her again. You've told her your regrets so she is aware. 2
elaine567 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Once a person breaks up with you, it is rarely the same again as the trust that this man thinks you are wonderful and loves being with you and is in love with you, is all gone. He has gone from hero to zero in an instant. He is the cause the massive hurt that you feel. Some people go to jelly and when the opportunity arises to get back together they are relieved and "Oh so grateful", but often that is not enough. They go from cosy and comfortable to edgy and anxious - "When will he do this to me again? Other people go hard as iron. They put on a impenetrable shell and vow NEVER to go back. They ignore all protestations from regretful dumpers and just move on with their lives. The firmness of their resolve may be helpful to them and they may get over the break up a lot quicker than they expected. 1
Author Dbne Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 Thank you Spiderowl and elaine. Elaine, I definitely think she is of the latter category, the next to last time I saw her, we were very amicable, but the next (last) time I saw her, she was very much wearing that armor, absolutely letting me know I was not welcome. I also know it has to be thick, because under that she is very sensitive. I understand what I did. And I accept that she may never speak to me again. I am going to wait till I am at a place of similar strength, it maybe months or longer, and see how I feel then, possibly try to contact her if I even still desire too.
Sweetfish Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Thank you Spiderowl and elaine. Elaine, I definitely think she is of the latter category, the next to last time I saw her, we were very amicable, but the next (last) time I saw her, she was very much wearing that armor, absolutely letting me know I was not welcome. I also know it has to be thick, because under that she is very sensitive. I understand what I did. And I accept that she may never speak to me again. I am going to wait till I am at a place of similar strength, it maybe months or longer, and see how I feel then, possibly try to contact her if I even still desire too. This Idea of her wearing "armor" i would rethink that statement.. I think with that preception, you may think you just need to penetrate that armor and a LOT of men think this is the case... so they try to find MANY ways to get to her "soft side" this... the reality of the situation is her feelings for you have been buried... I prefer put in a large plastic bag, tied to a cinder block and tossed into the hudsen river. And it may take months for those feelings to resurface and they usually surface in a rebound or when they are alone. That body will float to the surface and depending on how deep your relationship is... will it stick its ugly head. The biggest mistake men make... is getting involved when their feelings are buried... because when you do... your scratching a wound that will never heal and you will push her further away.
Author Dbne Posted March 11, 2017 Author Posted March 11, 2017 Thank you again Sweetfish, You said it better than I could. Much better analogy. I've come to accept that I should just wait, let time do its thing. I agree with the pushing her away thing. I truly do want her to be happy. That might mean something that doesn't include me. I had a chance. 2 years. At this time, I can't see any benefit coming of me trying to contact her, she knows how I feel. Absolute final scenario, I might try to reach out before she moves away, but that is months away. A lot of things can happen in that time. One thing for sure, I am going to continue to improve. As painful as it is, it has been a gift that it has allowed me to see these things about myself. If it is meant to be, it will be.
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