cppc Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 My wife and I have been married for 7 years now. Married has some ups and downs but I love her deeply. Recently we involved in some discussion about life and love, and my wife said that she might not love me. When I ask what she likes about me she mentions small things I did for her or I am a great dad. However, when I ask her the same questions, I can’t list a lot of things either. I just feel clearly that I love her, and if she’s away I’ll miss her. I am sure that she loves me. She initiates sex, hold me at night. It’s probably that since we have our daughter (2 year old), our attention are all for her so her love is not as full as before, but I think it’s still there. Also the fact that my wife is kind of person who doesn’t know what she likes or her feeling is, I think. Most of her hobbies were initiated by me, camping, skiing, watching movies. And it was similar when we first dated. She didn’t know if she loves me, or is it love that we were having? Only until I travelled and we spent about a month away, when I came back she figured that she loves me. I am thinking of doing the same now, but afraid that it will be hard because we have a 2 year-old baby now, and if we separate we would have to share the custody and we might actually miss the baby more. I know what you might think but let’s forget about a chance that she’s having an affair for now and please don’t question me on that. There’s a background reason that I can’t share here but I can rule that out 100%. I can’t think straight now so I might not give you enough information, so feel free to ask. I just want to set this straight, because if she fantasies love then through out our marriage she will always question if she can find her true love. How can we help this situation? She’s trying to find a individual counsellor but they all pretty busy now and the closest appointment is later next week. It’s killing me. Part of me want to rush in, the other part thinks I should give her time. Should I help her getting her feeling straight by asking questions, or should I let her figure out herself? May be the simplest question is just like the title, how do you know that you love your spouse? Please jump in!
happiness-matters Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 The two of you have a little one...how cool is that. I can't answer weather or not you two are in love but I can tell you this. Love is not a feeling...it is something you do. You guys are a family. If you want to see love here is what I suggest you try. Treat her as if she is the most important precious thing in this entire world. Even if she's grumpy...or bitchy. Really over do it here. Whatever will click her buttons. Here is what my husband has recently done. It is completely over the top and this is the kind of stuff I'm talking about. 1. We've been married for 21 years so on Christmas he gave me a card that said. This year celebrates 21 Christmases together so I bought you 21 presents one for each year. 2. He has always joked that it's my birthday everyday...so on my birthday in Dec he told me my gift was a gift from him every single day for the entire year... we are 3 months out and he hasn't missed a single day. Most days it little stuff a pack of gum...some candy...then every once in a while he throws a surprise in there. 3. He cooks breakfast every morning. 4. He won't let me carry anything... You get the idea here. Don't forget we've been married 21 years. Any human person that is treated this way will respond. It is impossible not to. Just start this sort of thing with her and your baby and then come back in a year and tell us if you love her... My friend you love your wife. It's just not the lusty...shooting star that new stuff has...it's sooooo much better than that. Take care...and lead your wife back into love with you so your beautiful child can watch.
Author cppc Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 Thanks. My question is not if I love her, but if she loves me, because she said she might not love me. What I want to do is to help her get her feeling straight. I want to help her figure out if she still loves me. She knows I love her and appreciates what I did for her, but like in any marriage, we have argument sometimes and she is a kind of person who couldn't let go easily. She can hold the bad feelings for weeks and that's one of the reasons why she thinks she might not love me anymore.
RecentChange Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I admire him. I respect him. I love how smart, kind and capable he is. I love his caring and devotion to me. I love his kind heart, and how he thinks of others, and helps those in need. If he hurts, I hurt. If he feels joy, I feel joy. I remember nursing him through injuries and surgeries, and I so wished I could take his pain away and make it mine - it hurt me so much to see him hurt, and all I wanted to do was make it better. If I experience something great, the first thing I think of is sharing it with him. If I am feeling pain, I run to him for comfort. He is my confidant and cheer leader, as am I for him. I have a hard time imagining my life without him. We have had our trials and tribulations, but I know that I love him, and that he loves me - and that has always motivated us to work things out. 1
DKT3 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 First I think there is something to be said about her honesty. That alone is motivation to get to the bottom of it. With that being said, maybe there is some kind of imbalance, for her not to understand her feelings or emotions seems odd. Often it's a FOO issue. How is her relationship with her parents?
Author cppc Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 First I think there is something to be said about her honesty. That alone is motivation to get to the bottom of it. Agree, that's why I want to get advice from you. I just can't think straight of what I should do. I love her but if it's true that she doesn't love me, after all those years, I am fine letting her go. I want to spend my life with someone who truly loves me! With that being said, maybe there is some kind of imbalance, for her not to understand her feelings or emotions seems odd. Often it's a FOO issue. How is her relationship with her parents? What is FOO? No issue in her relationship with her parents. Her dad used to be a drinker and treated her mom badly in the past but things get better in recent years. I am definitely not that type (and she knows)
oldshirt Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Her dad used to be a drinker and treated her mom badly in the past but things get better in recent years. That is a major FOO issue.
oldshirt Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I am definitely not that type (and she knows) I'm not a shrink and some of this stuff needs a really good shrink and lots of intensive therapy to deal with, but the fact that you are different than the environment than she grew up in could be an issue for her. Lots of people that grew up in an environment with chemical addiction and maltreatment issues simply do not know how to love and function with someone who is a sane, sober and decent person that loves them well. To a lot of people that grew up in chaos and drama, a healthy and supportive environment not only seems alien and disingenuous to them, but also down right boring.
oldshirt Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Now to get to your question, this may need to take some MC as a couple and some psychotherapy on her part to really determine. But as some good ol' horse sense, what a lot of people consider "love" really isn't. They are feeling a rush of hormones and chemicals and what is known as 'limerence.' There is no doubt that it is exhilarating, but it is always temporary and the passions and the fires do die down over time. But actual love is behaviors and actions and not necessarily euphoric feelings. Feelings wax and wane, ebb and flow, come and go. some times by the day, some times by the month or the year and some times even by the minute. But if someone is there for you day in and day out, treat you with dignity and respect and strive to meet your needs in good faith, engages in an active and satisfying sex life with you and makes a point of not doing anything crappy to you - well, that spells love to me just as well as anything else. 1
Author cppc Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 I admire him. I respect him. I love how smart, kind and capable he is. I love his caring and devotion to me. I love his kind heart, and how he thinks of others, and helps those in need. If he hurts, I hurt. If he feels joy, I feel joy. I remember nursing him through injuries and surgeries, and I so wished I could take his pain away and make it mine - it hurt me so much to see him hurt, and all I wanted to do was make it better. If I experience something great, the first thing I think of is sharing it with him. If I am feeling pain, I run to him for comfort. He is my confidant and cheer leader, as am I for him. I have a hard time imagining my life without him. We have had our trials and tribulations, but I know that I love him, and that he loves me - and that has always motivated us to work things out. Afraid I'm not as lucky as your husband, but at the same time I might not be as great a person as your husband. So congratulation to you with all my heart. Also, your post brings me a couple questions for me to give to her so she can figure out herself, because all those sharing are very important to love.
Author cppc Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 A grown woman who doesn't know how she feels or what she wants to do is a tragedy! I told her exactly the same thing! She is actively seeking for IC but she might have to wait about a week or 2 to schedule one. This waiting time is killing me and I am just trying to help her, also help myself, to get things straight. And no I don't have any other woman in mind but I'm not afraid of searching for one if this one doesn't work out. And trust me I really want to make it works. However, after all those years together, we are out of our compartment and if we don't love each other the way we really are, it won't work.
Author cppc Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 Now to get to your question, this may need to take some MC as a couple and some psychotherapy on her part to really determine. But as some good ol' horse sense, what a lot of people consider "love" really isn't. They are feeling a rush of hormones and chemicals and what is known as 'limerence.' There is no doubt that it is exhilarating, but it is always temporary and the passions and the fires do die down over time. But actual love is behaviors and actions and not necessarily euphoric feelings. Feelings wax and wane, ebb and flow, come and go. some times by the day, some times by the month or the year and some times even by the minute. But if someone is there for you day in and day out, treat you with dignity and respect and strive to meet your needs in good faith, engages in an active and satisfying sex life with you and makes a point of not doing anything crappy to you - well, that spells love to me just as well as anything else. Thank you. Your last paragraph really struck me. As we discussed, I told her that I don't think we'll get the feeling as when we first date. And if one of us starts an affair now we would have the best feeling in years. But will it be a better love than the one we currently have, I don't think so. To me, feeling is a good start, but love is a build up from all the time and memories we spend together. Unfortunately, my wife seems not understand that!
Author cppc Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 I'm not a shrink and some of this stuff needs a really good shrink and lots of intensive therapy to deal with, but the fact that you are different than the environment than she grew up in could be an issue for her. Lots of people that grew up in an environment with chemical addiction and maltreatment issues simply do not know how to love and function with someone who is a sane, sober and decent person that loves them well. To a lot of people that grew up in chaos and drama, a healthy and supportive environment not only seems alien and disingenuous to them, but also down right boring. I'm sure this is not true in my wife's case. On the contrary, the reason she holds bad feeling after we argued was because she relates to her dad did in the past (but I didn't treat her like her dad treated her mom, we just argued, not physical)
DKT3 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I would say a drunk abusive father will create some dysfunction in her behavior. It can mold her view of relationships. Were I you, I would simply go into a holding pattern until she has done a bit of therapy.
scatteredmusician Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 You have gotten lots of good advice, and I agree with DKT3 – it is odd for a grown person not to have a handle on how they feel about anything. Since her family of origin was a mess, then I ‘m pretty sure there is much work to be done. It doesn’t matter if her family is OK now, it wasn’t OK when she was growing, being molded by her environment, deciding what was OK to feel and what was not. Oldshirt says it very well. She needs counseling, counseling, counseling, and then you need to have some sessions together as well. You have a child, you have history, you have much that is positive and it is worth it to stick together when things aren’t going so well and see this through. You may find it is the best thing you ever did. Good luck!
JamesM Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 To answer your question.... As was said, love is more than a feeling. It is a commitment. So even when I don't have the feeling, the commitment brings it back. When I read your title, my first response was: I know because I don't have to ask myself that question. I know that probably doesn't make sense, but after being through all that we have been through and after struggling with some core issues in our marriage and having even been so angry at her or depressed because of her...I finally realized that through it all, I never wanted to be with anyone but her. So, I never ask myself that question, because I don't need to ask. And I know she feels the same despite all that has happened. Oh, we have our issues, and some can be tough, and some can even put some distance between us for some time, but again, despite that, I don't need to ask myself if I love her. I just know I do. When I read of guys who are dating or who are struggling in their marriage asking, I don't know if I love her, then my first thought is: if you did love her, then you would know. And when I was dating, I went with a few girls, and every girl I met, I could "let go" easily. I often wondered if I ever would find someone that I just had to "keep" in my life because none affected me that way. Finally, I met one who did, but we weren't right for each other long term. I knew it. She knew it even though there was a flame of affection starting. We parted ways, and I always figured if I ever met someone like her, then it would probably be "the one." But even her, I was able to move on from fairly quickly. And then I met my wife. Almost thirty years have passed, and I cannot imagine life without her.From the day I met her, I simply knew there was something different about her. It took five months before we actually went on our first date, and our courting days were not always easy, but my feelings for her have always been there. While they have diminished to a flicker or they may have been a flaming passion, they have never disappeared. Can I put it into quantifiable terms? No. She just is the one that makes my world complete (sorry for the cliche. ) 2
JamesM Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Should I help her getting her feeling straight by asking questions, or should I let her figure out herself? I answered your question about how I feel, now I will try to give some advice here. During our dating days, we broke up. You would think after my above post, our life has been rosy. Even a quick look at my threads on here will quickly kill that idea. They still always aren't. Anyhow, I was feeling as if I was not ready for marriage, so I wanted a postponement of our wedding. She said if I did, then we may as well break up, thinking that I would give in and continue on. I did not and said okay. This was a shock, but we did. Those weeks were the toughest of my life I think up until that point. At least emotionally. We both struggled. Oh, I knew I loved her, but was I ready for marriage? I knew I wanted to be with her, but did I feel that a lifetime of commitment was for me? I finally decided that she was who I wanted and then SHE wanted to take some time away. Long story short...I could do nothing but wait. I couldn't call and ask how she was or if she was "feeling the love." I had to let her make her choice. She even dated a few men. It was hard. Finally, she called and said she wanted to date again, and we started over in a sense, and then were married. It was definitely the best thing for both of us. I know now that I made a choice to be married to her. She also knows it. Whenever we feel a lack of "love," we can look back and say we made a choice and a commitment and neither felt pushed into it by the other. You too must let her sort out her feelings. It is tough, I grant you that. You can be yourself and be kind and be there for her. But what you don't want to do is push her into loving you. You want her to always feel that she made the choice no matter what she struggles with. Most likely she loves you, but her feelings are being clouded over by other emotions and struggles. Let her deal with them and stand patiently by.
Author cppc Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 Do you think it would be better if we separate for some time (a month may be). Is it easier to think straight that way without the other person around? Since it works in the past, I am more leaning toward this direction. 1
RecentChange Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Personally I always thought that "taking a break" was a bad idea. It shows that you truely can walk away from the other person. Maybe for some distance makes the heart grow fonder..... But I could never let go of someone I love like that. I'll fight tooth and nail to show them we have something worth saving. That we will fix things TOGETHER, not apart. Has depression been ruled out? That can make peoples emotions diluted. No love, no joy, and sometimes not even sadness.... Just feelings of nothingness. 3
todreaminblue Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 (edited) i dont believe distance helps a relationship...working through problems together understanding when to give space and where space is needed so discussions dont turn volatile ....or toxic.... ...but not a break... a break is actually something that needs repair.....so add the break to a list of things you need to fix..... space doesnt need fixing...space is just being there(and feeling that union still has a heartbeat.....) and allowing breathing room to settle and be calm and come back together...space can be achieved when you tie your partner to a ceiling fan ...sorry kidding....go to different rooms or let the issue be for a while and come back to it when you are both ready to sit down and talk about it ...flesh through issues.....discuss and not argue....with a lighter heart and a warmer mood..... in my opinion personally i have found distance to be the way i can move on not back to someone.....my ex for instance knows .... that the only true way to work things out with me....is to be with me physically.....in the moment and present not a disemboided voice over a phone or words in a text message...doesnt cut it with me......... i need to connect face to face regularly..........to feel him basically..to see his face....to understand what he is trying to say non verbally.....be close to him ........when you break from someone with distance...it becomes too trouble free if you get my drift...having no problems and not facing those problems or the person who also has the same problem and is part of the issue..things become skewed with non understanding and misreading cues and misunderstandings on sincerity......verifying everything said si a real time consumer...... when closeness would cut that needing to verify every word out..... its easy to let go and break..... and then enjoy that peace and not worry about fixing anything...saying no just one more day...turns into months.......to then just give up and start running forward........is so easy compared to trudging backwards and dealing with it.....space yes....break ...a big fat dont do it.....not if you want to stay together..the outcome you want is to fix your relationship...dont break it ...space it........deb Edited March 9, 2017 by todreaminblue
dichotomy Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 (edited) Let me talk about another type of love - your kids. First when they are young you love them so much (feelings), but you also become tired and spent and irritated caring for them. Much later as they approach tween and teen and young adult - things can (for some kids) get really difficult. You may find you have feelings of anger, fear, etc. Your teen kid is screaming at you that they hate you and your an awful parent - your screaming back about how much you do for them ..... you feel bad things. But If I took you aside and said - "so you going to throw them out - you dont love them right?" you might respond - "I would like to ...but I do love them even though I feel nothing but anger and hurt right now" In this case Love is a choice - to act loving - to remain steady - even when you dont "Feel" like it. Sometimes love is not a feeling but a commitment to act loving. Love is as love does. Edited March 10, 2017 by dichotomy 1
Popsicle Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 I have no idea why people in this thread think it's ok that your spouse says they might not love you. (Which btw means no) To hear that means it's game over. I say leave. Even if she didn't love you, she'd better lie her arse off and say yes. Have some dignity.
xenawarriorprincess Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 People often associate feelings of infatuation with love and so when those warm, exciting, and overly romanticized feelings begin to fade, sometimes people think that the love they feel is fading. If your wife initiates sex, initiates holding you at night, and acts as though she loves you, then chances are that she loves you. It is very difficult to act in a loving manner when you don’t feel loving. Perhaps that good old infatuation feeling has faded and she just needs time to realize that infatuation and love are not the same and she will realize that she truly does love you.
NTV Posted March 11, 2017 Posted March 11, 2017 Thank you. Your last paragraph really struck me. As we discussed, I told her that I don't think we'll get the feeling as when we first date. And if one of us starts an affair now we would have the best feeling in years. But will it be a better love than the one we currently have, I don't think so. To me, feeling is a good start, but love is a build up from all the time and memories we spend together. Unfortunately, my wife seems not understand that! Your wife understands that. She just wants to see another man.
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