phatgreenbuds67 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 I am going to try and make this short. Met a girl out of the blue and we connected on levels I have never imagined. It was intense with her telling me how much she loved me and never wanted to be without me. We were making plans for a life together. She was still in the process of divorce but had been separated nearly a year and they have kids together. It was a very long and toxic relationship that she admits was never good. Both were abusive to each other and he was abusive to her kids using them as weapons to hurt her. Her own family and friends have confirmed everything and that they needed to be done with each other. Out time together was beautiful together and she admits it was the best she has ever had. Then I was away on a business trip when she called livid that her ex was dating another girl in the neighborhood. She was jealous. That’s when the cracks began to form. We were still working and progressing as if we were building towards that life we spoke of. Then one night everything went south and we were done. I have no real explanation as to why or what changed. She insists that she is not reconciling with the ex but she is confused as to why she has the feelings she has. She loves me and wants to be with me. She misses me but she just doesn’t think its right at this time for us to be together. She is very Christian and claims that she is focusing on God, her kids, and her career. Then she goes on to say if its meant to be it will be, and she is tying to be "still in God" until he shows her what the right thing to do is. I gave her space and sent her a long letter letting her know how I felt and where I was. It was a sweet letter and we have exchanged texts a few times since where I have reiterated how I felt and let her know I would be here if she needed me. I stopped contacting her and began getting back into my life. She texted the other day about me going out with my friends and seeing it on Facebook. She was not happy. That argument in text drove a wedge deeper. So I told her I was doing what I needed to get over her and move on. She agreed to leave me alone and again said she had no idea what the future holds only God knows. I saw some of her comments last night on other people’s timelines and she has clearly found happiness without me so I got butthurt and decided total detox is in order. I shutdown my Facebook completely and later that night she texted me very angry. I have not responded and not sure if I should. At this point she thinks I have blocked her on everything. Why does she care if my Facebook exists? Why would she even be checking? She broke it off and has all but told me to just go away.
dumbass2 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Sounds like a ton of baggage with this woman. i understand YOU connected with her and she's SAID a lot of things to you, but it's her actions that you should focus on. She decided she no longer wanted you in a relationship, so she didn't care to lose you. She doesn't seem to want you or her ex to be able to move on without and be happy. She should in no way be mad at what she saw on Facebook and you did the absolute best thing in shutting it down. You could have just blocked her because that's how she's taking it any way,which you need not care about. Look, I know you had some good times together, but I don't see this baggage with her ex ending any time soon because of the kids. You'd be best to absolutely never respond again so you can start moving forward. Sounds like she won't like that but tough ***** she broke up with you. This woman does not sound as sweet as you make her out to be.She sounds selfish.
Altair0770 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I agree with that guy. It does suck when there is someone you love and they have a ton of baggage. But it seems she is not over her ex and you are the rebound. I'd continue NC. Ignore her texts for awhile or tell it to her straight - do not contact me unless you want a romantic relationship. Assuming that is what YOU want. Replying to her outbursts of rage is only feeding her power. Dumpers and Dumpees are generally nosy about their exes. This is why No Contact is a must in its true form if you're in the healing process. I told my ex to block me from everything and I did the same. Told her I do not wish to know she exists after telling me the door is closed on reconciliation and the while BS of "it wasn't meant to be". 3 days later her BFF messages me telling me, "you don't realize how much damage you did" when I was venting on my twitter in the middle of the night and she was snooping at it (I posted the tweets to vent then deleted it all). When I first did my NC she was snooping at my social media and was upset when I removed her from Facebook. They are nosy and want to know everything going on with your life, to make sure you aren't progressing faster than them. That is why she was irritated. She cannot spy on you anymore and curiosity overwhelmed her. Also, I'm an atheist so take this with a grain of salt. Anyone that leaves their future in the hands of fate and excuses their actions because it was "what God intended" or simply says anything along the lines of, "it wasn't meant to be" are bad news. They are looking for excuses for their actions. That simple. And try their best to not feel guilty for breaking your heart. 1
staggerlee71 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I can relate to your post on many levels. I too dated a women a year out of marriage and going through divorce. Its pure insanity. She blow so hot and cold I didn't know if I was at the polar cap or equator. This nonsense will go on if you let it. My ex still texts me and throws out all kinds of BS about how she loves me and this and that but she needs to focus on herself. Ill marry you someday she says. If you want to stay sane, your going to have to grab this by the balls and decide what your willing to put up with. Otherwise she wont make any kind of commitment and keep you around until she decides wtf she wants. which is probably torture you til the end of time or til another guy shows up
Been Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I agree with the other posters. You have to maintain strict NC otherwise your just going to get very confused by someone who really doesn't know what they even want. If you don't do NC all you do is open the door for her to come in and out of as she pleases. Essentially you become a doormat. 1
spiderowl Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Difficult situation for you and I don't blame you for cutting off. She is still attached to her ex and has pretty much ended it with you, though she still wants total access to you it seems. She is very mixed up, wanting him and you. She has no right to invade your space any more. I would imagine if you two do get back together, it would be a question of push/pull with her. I think you are better off out of it and moving on. 1
Author phatgreenbuds67 Posted March 13, 2017 Author Posted March 13, 2017 Well I really made a mess of this one. She did in fact contact me and we spoke. It was a really good conversation ending with her telling me she loves me and wishes she could just stop this path but she has to fix herself. She was reaching out basically asking me to be patient. She has assured me she is not dating and doesnt plan to anytime soon as she just needs to be alone to deal with all the emotional issues that have plagued her from that abusive marriage. She wants to focus on God, her kids, and work. She was reaching out and the next day I told her to cease all contact and communication...I was angry and not getting what I wanted. She complied and that was that. Until this morning. I was feeling like **** for cutting her off when she was trying to reach out. So I contacted her to basically explain and hope for some fragment of feeling. She was cold and firm and said she simply is not going to be with anyone until she gets right with God. If I cant accept that, then its my problem. Thats it. So here I am now. No point in no contact as this is dead. I wont hear from her again and she has removed me from all social media. I just heard that she would be happier being alone then with me. Ouch!
Itspointless Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 She was reaching out basically asking me to be patient. Pff, she was asking you to put your life on hold. That is not your problem its hers. You deserve better than that.
hunk Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 She was still in love with her ex and she still is. You were the rebound. When she called you angry about her ex, that should've been enough for you to realize what was going on and to pull the cord and end it. Since she essentially shoved it in your face that she still had feelings for her ex (although she might not've consciously been doing this on purpose, she probably wasn't) the fact that you didn't react and end things with her or at least put your foot down and tell her you're not going to tolerate her pining over an ex and that you can't be in a relationship with her because she's obviously not over him, she just lost respect for you. You demonstrated you have no self worth by hanging around her while she constantly spoke about her ex and was even showing you that she was upset over him. This turned her off completely. This relationship is irreparably broken because she is still in love with her abusive ex, even if she were to come back to you she won't respect you because you've let her come back after she chose her feelings for an abusive ex over you. "Finding God" excuse is an absolute cop-out and distustingly disrespectful to you. "Finding God" translates to fantasizing about being smacked around and dominated in bed by her ex husband. NC, work, gym, friends, new women. Forever. This is done.
Author phatgreenbuds67 Posted March 22, 2017 Author Posted March 22, 2017 Day 9 of NC and I admit I'm still struggling. As far as I know she is off happy and at peace with her decision. You are right I should have seen the signs at the time and ended it right then. I shouldn't be feeling anything for her. I shouldn't care one ****ing bit about her. In the last two days I have slept with two of the hottest girls I have been chasing for years. Angela and I met two years ago but we never synced up in being single at the same time. This last weekend it happened. She is 10 years younger and unbelievably stunning. Makes tons of money in real-estate and has no baggage. Sex was amazing and we are going out again tomorrow. Yet the whole time I am thinking about this other aging, baggage toting, mother of 4, who could never compete in the league of Angela. Victoria is a similar story but she is a lingerie model with a body and face that will make you finish in your pants. She finally broke up with her long time ex and called me. She and I have fooled around a few times over the last few years but she was on the fence with the ex and finally decided to put her foot down. Still laying there sweaty next to that perfect body I was thinking I just want this other girl to call and come back. **** I hate my head! Every bit of logic says I should be able to let go and be happy. I dodged another bullet...Even with the NC I am certain she will never reach out again. She is happy now that I am gone despite how well I treated her. She will NEVER find another guy like me. Perhaps there are lonely guys out there that will take on all that baggage but I guarantee they ain't gonna look as good as me, have my lifestyle, or treat her as well as I did.
Grathblagg Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 You're going to have to have at least 5 more gorgeous supermodels call you asking for sex before you get over the baggage-toting mother of 4. In the mean time, you should hump stuffed animals, at least, that's what my dog recommends. My dog knows stuff. 1
Author phatgreenbuds67 Posted March 22, 2017 Author Posted March 22, 2017 While it was funny it really was of no help.
dumbass2 Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 Yep and you're going to struggle with this for a while. No woman, no matter how gorgeous she is, is going to make you get over things any faster. You may go out and enjoy the sex or their company for an evening, but the ex is not going away from your mind anytime soon. You invested a lot mentally in that relationship and now you're dealing with the grief. Eventually it will happen, but just keep busy and don't try to force yourself to get over it with other women. Try not to have any down time so you're not stuck thinking about it too much. Try to not respond to your ex if she contacts you. She will at some point, but it wont be good for you. It sounds like it will take her a while to get things cleared up, so no trying to reconcile in a few weeks or even months. It will take longer then that, so don't try to convince yourself or let her try to sway you with her words. The longer you can go with NC, the sooner you can heal for good and be able to get into a relationship with someone new, that hopefully doesn't have the same type of baggage. 1
hindsight2021 Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 Your situation sounds tough man. Been there. Drop her and move on. Too much baggage, and I'll agree it sounds like she used you as a rebound. And is also trying to keep you on hold. Manipulative. Maybe the manipulation is part of why you feel the way you do. Not cool. I'll also add that if you hooked up with 2 women in 9 days since going NC, you're making it worse for yourself. Maybe you're hurt over this woman because she rejected you, plain and simple. Maybe that isn't what you are used to, I don't know. But hooking up with other women before you process why you feel the way you do and for what reasons you feel that way is only going to prolong this process. It's a temporary fix, and is getting in the way of your ultimate goal of understanding why you feel the way you do. Hopefully you will also come to understand why you allowed yourself to be a rebound as well. Maybe you will feel better after 5 more supermodels, until it resurfaces again in the future in some other form. Unfortunately, that is how this **** works. Best of luck my friend.
Bromeo Posted March 23, 2017 Posted March 23, 2017 Difficult situation for you and I don't blame you for cutting off. She is still attached to her ex and has pretty much ended it with you, though she still wants total access to you it seems. She is very mixed up, wanting him and you. She has no right to invade your space any more. I would imagine if you two do get back together, it would be a question of push/pull with her. I think you are better off out of it and moving on. The push pull was by far the most painful thing I have experienced. Take it from me, I wish I had been stronger and let go. The frustration, anguish, and confusion will eat you alive. Don't do it. Be stronger than I was.
Maldives Posted March 23, 2017 Posted March 23, 2017 Sounds like a ton of baggage with this woman. i understand YOU connected with her and she's SAID a lot of things to you, but it's her actions that you should focus on. She decided she no longer wanted you in a relationship, so she didn't care to lose you. She doesn't seem to want you or her ex to be able to move on without and be happy. She should in no way be mad at what she saw on Facebook and you did the absolute best thing in shutting it down. You could have just blocked her because that's how she's taking it any way,which you need not care about. Look, I know you had some good times together, but I don't see this baggage with her ex ending any time soon because of the kids. You'd be best to absolutely never respond again so you can start moving forward. Sounds like she won't like that but tough ***** she broke up with you. This woman does not sound as sweet as you make her out to be.She sounds selfish. I agree wth dumbass2 no punt intended. The above sounds a lil like my ex and the baggage wth those kids and ex yes run i stayed 6 yrs. Only to be dumped in the end lots of guilt trips oh God yes run from this woman.
Grathblagg Posted March 23, 2017 Posted March 23, 2017 (edited) While it was funny it really was of no help. Ironic, isn't it? Telling us about the gorgeous women you've slept with in a 2 day period doesn't really help either, except as an indication of your mindset. That was the point that I was trying to get across. So, you assert that you had sex with 2 different women, two nights in a row, with each being extremely beautiful. You felt the need to let us know, in essence, that you're a stud, and your ex was really out of your league when she was with you. Why would you want her, right? This is all fine and good, for you, if you're trying to boost your ego and get over her, but if your ego was already such that your ex sensed this type of attitude, you may have an answer to why she's not sniffing around your hydrant anymore. Why would you want her, right? Besides, sleeping around so soon after a breakup doesn't exactly signal to most women anything except that you've moved on, and what your priorities are. Yes, I know this runs contrary to the advice of most male young adults, who seem to think that running out and getting laid makes you a confident stud, but to most women, it doesn't. It makes you a horny dog, ready to hump whatever it can. In fact, in this case, if I were your ex, I'd be saying to myself, "So, he's been keeping tabs on these women, keeping them on the back burner, while he was with me". Believe it or not, part of what attracts mostly young women to a man, is how other young women see them, and luring good-looking women into the sack tends to make other young women interested, BUT, it tends to have the opposite effect on previous relationships. I'm not going to spend a whole bunch of time citing studies and such. You can believe me or not. So, if you're sleeping around to boost your ego and get your rocks off, then you're doing a great job of it. It's not exactly the best way to start healing, because such things tend to be a distraction instead of working towards getting one's emotions in order. If you're sleeping around to say "See, I'm a stud! Women are waiting in line to jump my bones! Look at what you're throwing away!", then it's probably having the opposite effect. Now read what I said again, and see if it's helpful or not. Edit: Don't take this as a moral judgement of your behavior. I'm one of those people who is fine with you doing whatever you want to do, just so long as you do not harm others. Edited March 23, 2017 by Grathblagg Clarity
Author phatgreenbuds67 Posted March 23, 2017 Author Posted March 23, 2017 I appreciate that explanation. I wasn't so much trying to brag as I was trying to put context around the mystery of why I can't let her go when I have far better things in front of me. It has nothing to do with rubbing it in her face. She has no idea what I am doing and none of her friends do either. Since we broke off all contact there is no way she can find out. This is for me not her. Yes my ego has taken a huge hit with this breakup but that's natural. And I agree that its not smart jumping in bed with these girls as I am using them to alleviate my own grief but hoped that one of them would actually be enough to finally convince me that I am better off now. Past breakups this has worked for me but for some reason its not working this time. Worst part is that they have been good friends to me for years and doing this to them could jeopardize that when it goes south Logically I know that what everyone here is saying is true. I am better off without her, the problem is I cant get her off my mind. I miss her and what I thought we had but even if she came back and we reconciled it would never be the same, and it would only be a matter of time before I am right back here crying about it. I can tell myself all day and night these things, yet for some reason I have yet to actually believe it inside. Thats what has me stuck. I need to figure out that one magic formula to lose hope and accept that this is a lost cause.
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