Miss Spider Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Hi. I've been on NC with my ex for week now and I have begun to accept that he has moved on and has another girl and I'm not going to get in the way. I want to date again, but in dates I like to talk about my ex. I like to say things like "I feel like I need to be honest with you. I'm not sure I'm ready to jump into a relationship at the moment. I'm just dealing with some things from my last relationship. He was my first love, so it was really tough, but I'm slowly putting my feet back in the water and whatever happens, happens. " Is this ok if you get the "what are you looking for question"? Or is it automatically seen by men as "BAGGAGE ALERT. LOST OR DAMAGED BAGGAGE "? I do want something long term , I just need to go sliw Does anyone ever talk about their ex briefly on dates? Do people mind? Just to be clear, I'm over wanting to be with my ex, but I'm not over my feelings for him completely..if that makes sense. It comes and goes.
frigginlost Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Hi. I've been on NC with my ex for week now and I have begun to accept that he has moved on and has another girl and I'm not going to get in the way. I want to date again, but in dates I like to talk about my ex. I like to say things like "I feel like I need to be honest with you. I'm not sure I'm ready to jump into a relationship at the moment. I'm just dealing with some things from my last relationship. He was my first love, so it was really tough, but I'm slowly putting my feet back in the water and whatever happens, happens. " Is this ok if you get the "what are you looking for question"? Or is it automatically seen by men as "BAGGAGE ALERT. LOST OR DAMAGED BAGGAGE "? I do want something long term , I just need to go sliw Does anyone ever talk about their ex briefly on dates? Do people mind? Just to be clear, I'm over wanting to be with my ex, but I'm not over my feelings for him completely..if that makes sense. It comes and goes. As a guy, A dude wanting to get in your pants will bolt. A man wanting to get to know who you are will not care and continue to see you. There might be a little hesitation in him because only time will tell if you truly are over your ex, so don't expect him to invest a whole bunch of himself in a short time. I prefer woman be up front just like you're doing... 1
smackie9 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 In a way it's good to put your intentions out there, but not that way. If I was on a date an some guy said that to me....that's a real downer/mood spoiler. You don't want to bring up your whoas or boohoos on a date. The date is about having fun, light conversation, enjoying each others company. They don't need to hear the emotional details of what you are going through...save that for your GFs. You need to start off positive, and just say you aren't looking for something serious atm, but am looking for something casual and fun. 4
mushroomlol Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 I just think you are not ready to date yet. Imagine you are interested in a guy and he tells you he's not over his ex yet. Your honesty will be appreciated but I doubt you can find anyone who is serious about dating and keep seeing you. 7
VeveCakes Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 No, do not talk about this. It's a date not a therapy session. If you have to put that it there you shouldn't be dating in the first place. Your thread last week makes it clear you need major time away from dating. People who talk about exes especially to that degree send the red flags waiving. 10
Zahara Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 If you have to put that out there on your first date, then you should not be dating. 7
todreaminblue Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 to me if you go into a date you are meant to be over your ex ..there may be residual issues and sometimes its good for dates to know that.......i dont think talking about an ex is bad i think its brings a spirit of honesty to talk about previous partners ...for em someone who cant talk about previous partners and you can feel a seething there ....is more likely to be damaging to a date.... and a potential relationship from starting..... i do feel that a few questions about exes doesnt hurt.and ebign prepared to answer them again to me shows truthfulness and a willingness to allow a person to know you flaws and all.......but...the focus should eb about getting to know the person sitting opposite you or beside you...the past can be touched on briefly but needs to move on ....the conversations should be centered around building a knowledge about you or him ......not about the exes....and should be as another poster suggested ...fun...not melancholy or resentful..i would worry more about someone who snapped at me "i don't want to discuss my ex with you...the freaking biatch" if a guy shows hatred towards an ex......its a warning sign for me...that the guy is not over her..and he possibly holds grudges......they are killer.....to intimacy and developing closeness...........deb
basil67 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 If a guy said this to me, I would think to myself "I'm here because I'm looking for a relationship. What a waste of time this is" I think that if a person isn't ready for a relationship, they have no business wasting the time of people who are looking for a relationship. I honestly have no idea why someone would wait around for a person who isn't ready when there are plenty of other people who are ready. Call me old fashioned, but this whole business of dating while not ready for a relationship (I know you're not the only person who does it) is inherently self centred. The lack of regard for the other party astounds me. 3
MidwestUSA Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Please don't use dates as therapy sessions. Your last thread about your ex is frightening. You need to take at least a year off from dating. Have you considered therapy? 7
Zahara Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 "I feel like I need to be honest with you. I'm not sure I'm ready to jump into a relationship at the moment. I'm just dealing with some things from my last relationship. He was my first love, so it was really tough, but I'm slowly putting my feet back in the water and whatever happens, happens. " Also, be careful when you share information like this because there are those that will take that type of vulnerability as an opportunity to manipulate and hurt you. I'm not sure why you're out there dating again. Dating isn't a bandaid when you are hurting. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Hi. I've been on NC with my ex for week now and I have begun to accept that he has moved on and has another girl and I'm not going to get in the way. I want to date again, but in dates I like to talk about my ex. I like to say things like "I feel like I need to be honest with you. I'm not sure I'm ready to jump into a relationship at the moment. I'm just dealing with some things from my last relationship. He was my first love, so it was really tough, but I'm slowly putting my feet back in the water and whatever happens, happens. " Is this ok if you get the "what are you looking for question"? Or is it automatically seen by men as "BAGGAGE ALERT. LOST OR DAMAGED BAGGAGE "? I do want something long term , I just need to go sliw Does anyone ever talk about their ex briefly on dates? Do people mind? Just to be clear, I'm over wanting to be with my ex, but I'm not over my feelings for him completely..if that makes sense. It comes and goes. A new dating partner is not a therapist and they do not care to hear about another guy you still have feelings for. Put yourself on the other side of that table . . . Go big or go home . . . in other words, either you're ready to date and find a new partner and be focused and engaged in the new people you meet or you're not. If you're not, then don't date. 2
olivetree Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 If you have to say that to a guy on a date, you shouldn't be dating. It screams you can't be alone. 4
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 I don't think it's a good idea. First of all, it seems like some sort of a game - first you go looking for dates (or at least, accept one offered to you), then you demur and talk about how you're not ready for a relationship yet? Sounds very The Rules to me and it probably will to the guy, too. If I were the guy my first question, even if not aloud, would be, "Well then why the hell are you dating?" I might also wonder if, by saying you don't want a relationship, you were looking just to make the beast with two backs. Another possibility: "She's not over her ex, she can't stop talking about him, he's still affecting her to the point that she can't help but use our date as a therapy session, I don't need a rabbit boiling on my stove, good-bye." I'd say if you really are still hurt by your past and if it's still affecting you to the point that you not only don't want a relationship yet (yet will still date... ??? ...) but that you can't help but talk about him on dates with ANOTHER guy, you should just (IMO) wait until you are a bit on firmer ground emotionally before dating. NOT saying "don't do it no matter what" because that's not my call to make. Just saying, this is my impression. 2
todreaminblue Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 If a guy said this to me, I would think to myself "I'm here because I'm looking for a relationship. What a waste of time this is" I think that if a person isn't ready for a relationship, they have no business wasting the time of people who are looking for a relationship. I honestly have no idea why someone would wait around for a person who isn't ready when there are plenty of other people who are ready. Call me old fashioned, but this whole business of dating while not ready for a relationship (I know you're not the only person who does it) is inherently self centred. The lack of regard for the other party astounds me. too true...... i stopped dating when i first broke up with my ex ....(six months was too soon to date for me) and i didnt want to lead anyone on or waste time and take up time from that guy meeting someone who was mean tfor him...its selfish and inconsiderate.....dating is meant to be done with consideration for that person you are darting.......not just time filling for yourself.....deb 2
Rockdad Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 No, do not talk about this. It's a date not a therapy session. If you have to put that it there you shouldn't be dating in the first place. Your thread last week makes it clear you need major time away from dating. People who talk about exes especially to that degree send the red flags waiving. Exactly! Doesn't talking about an Ex on a date say I'm focused more about another person than the one in front of me? 7
preraph Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 After being on Loveshack, do you not see how put off men are just by the very fact that you HAVE an ex? None of them want to hear anything about an ex. They will mark you down for being dumped, they will mark you down for being the dumper, they will mark you down for having a few boyfriends. It's a no win situation. I only talked about an ex who wasn't exactly an ex because we were never together in a committed way, and that was because he was visible everywhere we went in the same crowd so I had to explain him and then I had male friends at the time I explained too because we'd run into them. If you're still at the point you have to tell everyone about your ex, then you shouldn't be dating until you sort that out.
preraph Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 i do advise dating as a distraction after a breakup, but it's only a distraction if you don't talk and think about the ex for the duration of the dates!
DrReplyInRhymes Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 I'm terrible with talking about a few exes ALL THE TIME to this one particular woman recently. But, she isn't interested in me in regards to anything real or long-term (I just... am pretty sure I'm right about that) so it really doesn't matter what I say. If I knew she was truly interested in something real with me, and she demonstrated that effectively, I might actually stfu and not say a damn thing about exes. At this point, droning on about exes to someone who is not really interested in me like that is having the exact effect that is expected. For someone who is very interested in something real and long term, I'd have to agree that droning on about exes is definitely not the way to go! Enjoy the time you're with the person and have fun! If a guy is serious about you and you take a little time to tell them exactly what behaviors were the demise of your previous relationship and things you wouldn't tolerate, I'd go as far to think that he'll take that into account in determining your compatibility and not think you're hung up on an ex. 1
elaine567 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 You can speak about your ex - to your friends, your parents, your little sister, your doctor, your therapist, random strangers on the bus, the tube or the train... You can commiserate with the check out girl, or your waitress or the old lady in the park, in fact anyone at all, anyone who will stop to listen to your sob story, but do not mention him to your date. Your date does not want to hear any of it. 4
Redhead14 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 And, who wants to date someone who gets depressed and sad often and pushes them away during those times, gets flaky about accepting dates, doesn't seem engaged at times and has to be worried all the time about whether or not that person is actually interested in them and wondering if they will get back with the ex and dump them? 1
d0nnivain Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Talking about an EX can be a faux pas & is usually a date killer. For you to say what you want to say is absolutely a date killer & it will guarantee your date will not ask for another date. Based on your other thread plus this you are not over your EX & have no business dating at this time. You need more time to fully heal. On dates I have mentioned EXs when it was really relevant or when it couldn't be avoided. For example, I had been dating my husband for something like 6 weeks when my immediate past EX died. It was sudden and tragic. I was very upset for his family & especially his son. Even though he & I dated as adults, I'd known the family since high school. Upon hearing the news of his passing I was so traumatized I forgot to call my new BF to cancel our date so when he came to pick me up I was still in my PJs & I was bawling my eyes out. We had to have a talk about my EX because there was no other choice. I opened with "Please understand I don't want him back; but I do want him alive." My husband was amazing about the whole thing & very supportive as I mourned. I don't mind somebody mentioning an EX but details like it was your 1st love, is more than I want to know & the kind of thing that makes me think you aren't ready to date me. Before I met my husband I met a guy at a singles event. He spent our entire date talking about his EX & wondering why she broke up with him. I knew about 4 sentences in; he was just clueless. I listed because it was clear he needed an ear. I split the check with him & declined a 2nd date point blank telling him he wasn't ready to date & explaining to him why his EX dumped him. He was shocked that from what he said I was so easily able to pinpoint her reasons (he never proposed after 10 years of living together; he had disclosed that she often accused him of having commitment issues . . . well duh). 1
dumbass2 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Don't mention anything about your ex. If you want to be honest and upfront, just say that at this time you are not looking for anything serious and make sure he is on the same page. Do not get into details. I have a feeling though, based on your past threads, that you might jump into something a little fast thinking it will help you get over your ex. It wont and it would be wrong to do to someone that you date right now (rebound). As mentioned, you could date just for distraction, being upfront about nothing serious or give yourself some time and go do things with your friends, family or just by yourself. You need to be happy just being alone before you should jump into a new relationship. You don't need a new relationship to get over your ex. 1
act00 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I think it's good to be clear that you are just getting out of a serious relationship, and while you are interested in pursuing a new one, you want to take things slow. It is a red flag. Accept that. You're just week(s) outside of a breakup and you're still wounded. You don't know what you want, and you're going to go through some "transition/rebound boyfriends" first while you sort yourself out. No one wants to be the transition/rebound. They may bail. They may stay long enough for sex, then bail. Obsessively talking about the ex and what an a** he was is not date discussion. Constantly talking about all these great things the ex did and all your memories is also not date discussion. The fact that topics come up that include your ex, as he was part of a huge chunk of your life, is okay, and you need to minimize the ex and emphasize the thing/memory/experience.
Imajerk17 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I WOULD appreciate her telling me this, because that would tell me ASAP that she is NOT at all ready to date. So I'd thank her for her honesty and move on. So your question should not be whether or not talking about an ex is a bad idea, it should be whether or not someone in your situation is ready to date (and the answer to that is no, you are NOT ready to date, it isn't fair to the other person).
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