Travis Longton Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Hi Everyone. I'm completely new here. I'd be open to some suggestions concerning this situation though. My wife and I have been married for 3 years, been together for 9. Last week she went out with a coworker, who we've both hung out with on many occassions. I was supposed to go but wound up having to work late and missed dinner and was just going to show up at the bar for last call. She begged me to come pick her up though so I could at least stop by the bar for a few drinks and hang out for a few. I was just going to go home and change and meet them there. She called me around 1 a.m. and asked me to pick her up early, crying, so I came right there. Turns out that the both of them had had way too much to drink (since work was paying) and at around 12:45 a.m. he leaned in and kissed her. She kissed back for a second and then pulled away and told him that they couldn't do that and that she was married. She recalls thinking it was a joke (she was superbly tanked at this point) and then remembers him kissing her again, and her not pulling away as quick. That's when she called me to come get her. She didn't stop crying that night, and since it happened last week, has been feeling increasingly worse about it. The reason we were all supposed to go out was because the coworker was being transferred to China (from NY) permanently and it was supposed to be a good-bye dinner and drink. I'm not sure how to feel about it. We've never had any problems before and get along famously. She keeps bringing it up and getting depressed about what happened and it seems like we'll never be able to move past it. Last night watching TV she broke into tears because the show mentioned cheating and she went into a panic attack over the guilt, saying that she was now a cheater and she's never cheated before. I've asked her what she felt with the kiss and she said she was numb, it was like she was joking around with an old friend, but I don't know what that means. According to her she has always thought the coworker was cute, but she would never be into him like that. Any advice would be welcome, thanks everyone. Travis
Bryanp Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 I think her honesty and openness is great. I do not think you have anything to worry about. I would contact that Other guy and tell him what an Ass he is. If the guy is married or has a girlfriend I would certainly try to contact them. He deliberately tried to take advantage of the situation. I think you have a keeper with your wife. Good luck.
mopar crazy Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Originally posted by Bryanp I think her honesty and openness is great. I do not think you have anything to worry about. I would contact that Other guy and tell him what an Ass he is. If the guy is married or has a girlfriend I would certainly try to contact them. He deliberately tried to take advantage of the situation. I think you have a keeper with your wife. Good luck. I agree w/ Bryanp on the part where he said her honesty and openness was great but I would not contact the guy's W or GF. You don't want to be put in the middle of that situation. If he has done this b4 to his W or GF I am sure she knows, or will eventually find out. The guy was a big jerk for doing what he did and I do believe your W is really feeling badly about what she did. I am sorry for what you are both dealing w/, I have been there. My H also worked w/ a female co-worker that found him attractive. My H never said he thought she was good looking, pretty, cute or anything but he did talk about her a lot. I finally got tired of hearing about this co-worker and asked him if he wanted to sleep w/ her. He told me he would if he wasn't M. About a year after he said this he had an A w/ her. She was also the one that made the first move. She was the one that asked him if they could talk so they went for a ride. She told him she was attracted to him and leaned over and kissed him. He pushed her away and said they couldn't do that. I wish my H would have admitted to me that the exOW kissed him but he never told me about it until after he broke it off w/ her and we reconciled (were going to D). I wish he would of came to me feeling the way your W is but he hid it from me and then a month later started an A. I honestly think your W is really upset about this and I believe she is telling the truth. I hope this doesn't happen again.
Sal Paradise Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 The mutual friend has to be removed from both of your lives completely. No emails, text messages, phone calls, or anything at all. I and many others would consider what she did cheating. Its great that she called and told you but that doesn't change what happened.
michelangelo Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 OK, it's great that your wife regrets pulling a drunk and kissing some guy. And what the heck is she doing with some guy, mutual friend or not, after midnight. You two have to wake up and see that as a no-no. The piece of the puzzle that does not fit for me is this lame excuse that since the boss was paying for drinks that somehow means she and the other guy have to get blitzed. What, is she so poverty-stricken and in need of a big drunken night that she can't contain herself to a reasonable level of drinking? Call me a cynic, but methinks there is more to this story than you know.
Moai Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 What she did what technically cheating, but given her attitude I wouldn't say that SHE did. She did call you several times asking you to get there and come get her--if she were into it and wanted it to happen you never would have gotten those phone calls. The other guy is a douchebag, and if you ever speak to him again you should tell him so. He is not your friend, or your wife's. Beyond that, anyone can get too hammered any once in a while. I drink a lot, and I can maintain with the best of them, but once or twice a year it gets away from me and I get WAY too hammered. Luckily, I just feel sick, I don't do things that I regret--at least not that hurt anyone else! This does happen a lot when the drinks are free and the people involved aren't hardcore partiers. I see it all the time. I'll go to one of my sister's work functions where the bar is open and it is amateur night, believe me. They are out of control and goofy. I don't think that her story about being hammered is a cover, nor is there anything else going on, or anything deeper. There are many nights where I am in the mood to just go for it but I can't because it is way too spendy. If the bar were free, I'd have gottten lit. I mean, I can drink $180 and make it to work at 8:00am the next morning, easy. Again, look at the calls you got and how she is acting now. I would be as supportive as you can of your wife, let her know that while it does bother you it isn't all her fault and the fact that she was honest with you is important to you, and you appreciate that. I would let her know that nobody forced her to get that hammered, though, and that maybe she should learn where her stop point is, but people make mistakes and you forgive her and she should forgive herself.
michelangelo Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 I think it is quite possible she had spent the whole evening wanting to be with the guy and feeling guilty to boot. So she calls you to get rescued and in her drunken mind you don't care enough to go get her, so she goes for it.
Crazy8 Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 I know how your wife feels. The other night I went to my work X-mas party. I had a lot to drink (more than I needed to). A group of us went dancing after where we drank some more. While on the dance floor a friend of mine (who I have worked with for almost three years) got a little too close. Than I remember pulling away from a kiss between me and her. We continued to dance (close) and if my memory serves me correctly we kissed several more times (we were both very wasted) a mutual friend of ours broke us up and I danced with my other friend until the place closed down. PROBLEM: I am married and so is my friend who I kissed. In fact we all know each other pretty well. Now I feel like a turd, and she does too. I dont remember wanting to kiss my friend, but it was such a haze. I was told by others that neither of us were pulling away, so I dont even know who kissed who. Feel like $hit. Any opinions? Thanks.
TMCM Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 I also agree with those folks who said that your W did the right thing. What is worrisome is that she got drunk in the first place. Alcohol intoxication is behind a lot of tragedies and as a recovering alcoholic myself, I would urge you to sit down with your W and express your concern with her alcohol consumption and control [or lack of]. It would be truly sad if the coming holidays become a time of sorrow, especially when it could all have been easily prevented. TMCM
Cecelius Posted December 6, 2005 Posted December 6, 2005 I believe this post is fair game for all those dudes posting on here about their girl hanging around with another guy where alchohol is involved. Women are simply more vulnerable than men when intoxicated. Now, for the rest of your marriage, you will think of this everytime she goes to any event that even looks like this kind of thing. How many more drinks before he would have gotten farther? You may decide to forgive her, but you can't forget it.
Neptune Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 I can`t help but think that women sometimes use this alcohol thing as a way to spite the man in their life. That is, when they get p*ssed about something. She has reason because you were supposed to go and then worked late. Women don`t always consider working late a valid excuse. So, perhaps mostly at an unconcious level, you are punished by "drunken behavior". Can`t help it. See this thing too much and it always seem to be something there with her man. So often work related too.
InTheMachine Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 How about the age old remedy of tracking the dirtbag down and beating him to a bloody pulp for making advances on your wife? Maybe that's too old school for this crowd. It'd be my choice, though. Re: what others said: yeah, there is a problem that your wife is out, at a bar, late at night, with another man. That's a problem, period. That she's also getting drunk at the same time is a bigger problem. I think the self-help robots would call this a problem with "boundaries." Your wife don't have none. Bottom line, married people don't hang out in bars after midnight with members of the opposite sex. Not if they wanna stay married. I have one smart friend (yup - just one) who has a policy never to be alone with a woman besides his wife. When the gang from the office goes out, the goes as part of a group. On Secretary's day, he takes a bunch of the women out, not just alone with his own secretary. He's been happily married for 30 years cuz of smart thinking like that. I asked him once "what's the big deal? Don't you trust yourself?" He just smiled and answered: "Sure I do. But why take a risk I don't need to." Your wife is taking risks she doesn't need to. But I think she was just stupid. Whereas the other guy did it on purpose. He needs a beatin'. Old school, baby. That's the ticket.
portableversion Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 so what she just kissed another guy. it wasn't like they had sex or a full blown affair. you people are such tightasses.
High Contrast Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 How about the age old remedy of tracking the dirtbag down and beating him to a bloody pulp for making advances on your wife? Maybe that's too old school for this crowd. It'd be my choice, though. Dude, it's the wife that took the oath before a God and church filled with family members. Not the fellow.
michaelk Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 But I think she was just stupid. Whereas the other guy did it on purpose. He needs a beatin'. Old school, baby. That's the ticket. So he did it on purpose and she's just stupid? How can you draw that conclusion? They were both drunk, both of them did something they shouldn't have. That's all we know. Human beings make mistakes, and booze doesn't help matters. Your wife sounds genuinely contrite, so I don't think you have a problem there. And this coworker is off to China, so he doesn't really matter - he's out of the picture. I agree with portableversion. It's just a drunken kiss, so let it go. Why tear yourself up over something so meaningless? For that matter, why let your wife tear herself up over it? Both of you need to move on.
Cecelius Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 Because these things start small and become problems later on. I agree it may not be worth dumping her for, but it can't be swept under the rug. She needs to stop drinking and she has no good reason to be hanging out with men, alone, now that this has happened.
newbby Posted December 14, 2005 Posted December 14, 2005 i dont think you have anything to worry about but consoling your wife, she is obviously really shocked at herself. EVERY stupid thing i have ever done has been when i have been drunk, and i dont drink often. in fact i think the less you drink the worse it is because your tolerance is lower. it is horrible when you realise you did something you never usually would because you got too drunk.
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