longing4connection Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 When I first started talking to the guy I'm seeing, he explained that he doesn't share well. [i don't, either.] He explained that he divorced his second wife because she cheated on him. ("I thought she loved me." & "That just about killed me.") Yet … he's brought up threesomes. For example: Once, when we were making out, he mentioned including a guy. ("That'd be great ... for YOU.") Twice he mentioned other women. The 1st time he mentioned a gal, he mentioned a woman that he thought would be willing to video us having sex. Then he then "she'll probably want to join in." After I responded with a negative that I hoped was polite [i don't remember what I said], he said "well, you'll be involved, too." I then had to get off the phone because I was crying & didn’t want him to know. When we talked later, I admitted that I felt hurt & jealous, he responded in what seemed to be a defensive or angry tone "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? I didn't say I WANTED to!" He went on to say that he thought I'd be into it. [i wouldn't be.] The 2nd time he mentioned a gal, he acted as though he thought it was funny. It was a woman who'd gone to school with us & is what I'd consider to be unattractive & lower class. Apparently she was wanting to sleep with him (although she is married) & he told her that he was already with me. He said "she'd like to watch" & suggested that we send her photos & video of us having sex. [i'd be mortified if that ever happened.] Looking back now, I can see that maybe he did think it was funny & thought I'd find humor in it, too. But, at the time, it broke my heart because I felt as though I had just been slapped in the face with "you're sharable, which means I don't care about you [like I did my wife]." I also felt hurt that he was bringing it up again after (I believe) he knew how much this topic had hurt me before. The last time I saw him, he asked if I'd like it if another man were pleasuring me w/ a sex toy. I said "no, that's a turn off." He then asked if I'd like it if a woman were pleasuring me w/ a sex toy, to which I also said "no, that's a turn off." * * * There are some things that may be important to add here, all of which could possibly be related to insecurity. One is that he’s very (unnecessarily) insecure about his size. Once he even asked me to research enlargement options for him. When I said he didn’t need enlargement, he insisted: "just see what we can do, okay?” The other is that, in the past, when he's seen me on my phone, he’d ask “who are you texting?” as if he were suspicious that I were texting other guys. (I wasn't.) In the past, he's said things like: "You're not playing me, are you?" "I hope you'd never do that to me" (w/ regards to cheating). “You're blind” (when I've told him how cute he is). “I don't see why” (when I say I like him). This last one happens often. And he talks about having to get set up financially (house included) before he gets serious about anyone. (He's lost a lot of money re: divorce.) He'll say (in what sounds to me like a sad tone) "it'll be twice as hard by myself, but that's just how it's gotta be." * * * He does have a dry sense of humor & I can’t always tell if he’s joking. Is he just messing with me? Is he really wanting a threesome (but too afraid to just say it)? Is he testing me to see if I’m really satisfied with him? Is he testing me to see if I’ll cheat?The
stillafool Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 One thing you don't mention in your post is your response to him when he brings up sex with other people. You just explain how you feel. What do you say to him when he suggest 3 somes and such?
Gaeta Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Yet … he's brought up threesomes. For example: If you don't want to be on here with 100s of threads about why you can't find a serious man then don't waste your time on men talking sex even before you meet. Especially men that start by saying they don't like sharing then go on about 3sums. 1
Author longing4connection Posted March 8, 2017 Author Posted March 8, 2017 (edited) We've been dating for over 2-years. He didn't bring up threesomes until after we'd been together for quite some time. Edited March 8, 2017 by longing4connection needed to add info
southbound Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Speaking as a man who has been through the cheating, and as a man who has some fantasies (that have never been acted on) for trying out some of the things he asked you about, I think the things you say should be treated as two separate issues. The things you added... "I don't see why", "you're not playing with me are you?", "I hope you'd never do that to me".... These things are all purely insecurities because of what happened with his ex wife. Those can easily be isolated from the fantasy items about threesomes. Don't be confused because they're both coming from the same person. They are not mutually exclusive. I don't think he's messing with you and I don't think he's testing you.
BluesPower Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Good grief... He wants to start swinging with you. He is just too stupid to even begin to talk to you properly about it. What a moron. Look, many people want to get involved with this lifestyle, some of them are not very bright. If a relationship to you is monogamous sex with one person, then you need to tell him. If you are interested in this lifestyle then you two should be talking about this at a whole other level. He wants to spice up the sex life and he wants to include you in that. I am not saying that it is the thing for you, but I am not sure that it is something that you should be aghast about either. It is more common than you would think these days. Just sit him down and tell him how you feel...
Redhead14 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 We've been dating for over 2-years. He didn't bring up threesomes until after we'd been together for quite some time. Good grief, you've been dating this guy for over 2 years and you don't know him well enough to be able to answer all those questions for yourself or have deeper conversations with him? Beyond all that, you may be seeing him mirror some of his behavior in his marriage. She cheated on him??? Eh, I kinda wonder if he started going down this road with her, she declined and dumped him because of it and he thought that she loved him so much as to do it even if it was distasteful to her. Just wondering out loud.
Gaeta Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 We've been dating for over 2-years. He didn't bring up threesomes until after we'd been together for quite some time. You've been dating 2 years?? then I am lost. How often do you see each other? Your story sounds like it's someone you barely dated yet.
spiderowl Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Oh gawd, where to start? The guy is a creep. He's not accidentally bringing up conversations about threesomes, sharing you with others and videos. He is testing you out to see what you will accept. He sounds like someone who does not have boundaries and he will test your boundaries. Unless you want to be with a guy who is constantly trying to press you to do more than you are comfortable with, you need to get rid of this guy. Personally, I would not trust him in the slightest. I think it is quite possible he would be prepared to break the law and to film you in secret. I just get a feeling that he will ignore your boundaries and sense of decency. I sense he is controlling and lacks empathy. He will try to blame you if you get upset at his behaviour. He will say you are 'misunderstanding', 'inhibited' or 'paranoid'. If you question him, he will turn it round on you and brush it off as joking. He is not joking. This is not the kind of guy who is going to make you happy. Please listen to your gut instinct; it is already making you cry. Sorry.
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