was I overreacting or had right to feel embarrassed by BF's behavior in Church

March 8, 2017

OK ChattyKat, what are you going to do now? Just ignore it?

Im in thinking mode

March 8, 2017

Him being so defensive means he has something to be defensive about, and I don't think it's sitting on the chair next to you at church. Come on! If he has a problem with you invading his space, you'd know it by now. So that's the best-case scenario, and that's not great either. He doesn't want someone to know he's paired up OR he is wanting space and wishing he wasn't paired up for other reasons.

March 8, 2017

I feel he is showing a respect and reverence for gods place.... in church...and second the thought that it may generate sexual feelings in him with you.....this is actually a good thing...he is a devoted respectful person....be happy....you have a good guy..they are a dying breed ...cherish him..help him be reverant.....and dont take it as a personal insult....he also may wn tto keep your relationship quiet for a little while and between the two of you and nto the whole congregation ...also not a bad thing.....the bible on the seat between you...i believe it is because he is curbing his passions at that particular time.... and showing reverance for gods place between you too...which is sweet and respectful.........deb

March 8, 2017

Just making a random guess. Could be wrong....

I understand that you raised the issue calmly with him. But did you inadvertently use inflammatory wording? If we start a conversation with "When you did this", people do go on the defensive.

Do you know about making "I" statements?

March 8, 2017

Freud would have something to say about him literally putting a Bible in between you and him so you couldn't get at him. And Jung would say it was prescient.

March 8, 2017

So if you guys have been together a year and this is the biggest issue you've ever had, can you maybe just chalk it up to a weird idiosyncrasy and forget about it?

I mean, yes it's weird, and yes his reaction was inappropriate, but I feel like some are blowing it out of proportion. We've all done weird things at times, should this really be enough for you to reconsider this relationship?

March 8, 2017

Him being so defensive means he has something to be defensive about, and I don't think it's sitting on the chair next to you at church. Come on! If he has a problem with you invading his space, you'd know it by now. So that's the best-case scenario, and that's not great either. He doesn't want someone to know he's paired up OR he is wanting space and wishing he wasn't paired up for other reasons.

obviously, I wasn't aware of the space issues.

Just making a random guess. Could be wrong....

I understand that you raised the issue calmly with him. But did you inadvertently use inflammatory wording? If we start a conversation with "When you did this", people do go on the defensive.

Do you know about making "I" statements?

From what I can recall, I states that I told him I wanted to discuss how he made me feel about not hugging me and the Bible on the chair between us and he yelled saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry a few times. Then asked him what difference does it make that he couldn't hug me but hugged other Church members. Then I walked out of the room so we could have a few minutes to ourselves.

March 8, 2017

I'm in three camps of thought.

1. He is interested in you romantically, and in the house of the Lord, he's maintaining a pristine and holy boundary, which is why he's okay with hugging other platonic people, and not you, the one who gives him impure thoughts.

2. He doesn't want the other single ladies in church to know he's "taken."

3. He's dating or has another girlfriend who has friends who attend this church, and he doesn't want the word to get back to her. At least he can say, "She's flirting with me. I put a bible between us."

I'm really in the #2 camp the most.

His behavior is very defensive. There's something going on.

March 8, 2017

From what I can recall, I states that I told him I wanted to discuss how he made me feel about not hugging me and the Bible on the chair between us and he yelled saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry a few times. Then asked him what difference does it make that he couldn't hug me but hugged other Church members. Then I walked out of the room so we could have a few minutes to ourselves.

Has he ever acted this way in the past year or is this the first time? It's a strange way to react unless he's hiding something. I'm with some of the others in that I think he may want to hide from other church members that he's dating you.

It could be innocent enough but if it were innocent or a simple misunderstanding he would hopefully tell you and there wouldn't be an issue. Your issue isn't what he did in church necessarily...there is something else going on.

March 9, 2017

Maybe to him touching, hugging, kissing his gf in a Church is inappropriate because you generate in him sexual thoughts.

I remember when I got engaged to my ex-husband, I was 19 years old and a devoted Catholic. We went to see a priest to have our wedding rings blessed and after my ex came forward to kiss me and I turned my head and presented him my cheek. He was so offended and afterward made a big deal about it. I had just done it because in my head kissing him on the lips in a Church in front of a priest was inappropriate. Go figure, I just felt that way back then.

I imagine this is the issue.

I met my ex-wife while teaching at a private Catholic school and had to be very careful about PDA when we were around campus or at the Chapel together. We weren't married and people knew we were dating but people that are "devout" can be strange about PDA. Many make the assumption that you're "sleeping together out of wedlock" (none of their business, obviously) but that doesn't mean that it won't cause issues. In fact, it did at one point. I fell asleep on her couch one school night and was pulled aside by my principal later that week and he warned me to be careful as the diehard Catholics were talking about it.

My example is a little extreme but your BF might have been raised in the kind of environment where PDA in church is frowned upon. Remember, hugging someone you know in church is essentially viewed as hugging a sister or brother and not as a PDA. It's a behavior that I have always viewed as odd and unnecessary but it goes with the territory when you're dating anyone that is strongly religious.

March 9, 2017

I'm in three camps of thought.

1. He is interested in you romantically, and in the house of the Lord, he's maintaining a pristine and holy boundary, which is why he's okay with hugging other platonic people, and not you, the one who gives him impure thoughts.
2. He doesn't want the other single ladies in church to know he's "taken."
3. He's dating or has another girlfriend who has friends who attend this church, and he doesn't want the word to get back to her. At least he can say, "She's flirting with me. I put a bible between us."

I'm really in the #2 camp the most.

His behavior is very defensive. There's something going on.

....idk, he did ask why I didn't come to Bible study, I told him I wasn't feeling well. And he was like okay, hope you feel better soon. I don't think he was there to seek another woman since I was with him there. And I'd think any man would have the brains not to date 2 women from the same Church, especially the one we attend to is somewhat small. He hasn't gone in a long time then all the sudden decides to attend the past few weeks.

Has he ever acted this way in the past year or is this the first time? It's a strange way to react unless he's hiding something. I'm with some of the others in that I think he may want to hide from other church members that he's dating you.

It could be innocent enough but if it were innocent or a simple misunderstanding he would hopefully tell you and there wouldn't be an issue. Your issue isn't what he did in church necessarily...there is something else going on.

I would think if he was trying to hide it that he was dating me that he wouldn't bother attending Church. It's the first time that it happened and he's aware how it made me felt. I plan to discuss it with him again so there's no awkward moments next time we attend and see what happens

March 9, 2017

I imagine this is the issue.

I met my ex-wife while teaching at a private Catholic school and had to be very careful about PDA when we were around campus or at the Chapel together. We weren't married and people knew we were dating but people that are "devout" can be strange about PDA. Many make the assumption that you're "sleeping together out of wedlock" (none of their business, obviously) but that doesn't mean that it won't cause issues. In fact, it did at one point. I fell asleep on her couch one school night and was pulled aside by my principal later that week and he warned me to be careful as the diehard Catholics were talking about it.

My example is a little extreme but your BF might have been raised in the kind of environment where PDA in church is frowned upon. Remember, hugging someone you know in church is essentially viewed as hugging a sister or brother and not as a PDA. It's a behavior that I have always viewed as odd and unnecessary but it goes with the territory when you're dating anyone that is strongly religious.

I agree with this. The fact that you are romantically involved makes *any* perceived sexual connection taboo. He can hug probably any woman in church, but when he hugs *you,* tongues start clicking; pearl clutching ensues.

It's like behavior in the workplace when attraction runs high, or fraternizing in the workplace is not not allowed, you curb your behavior towards each other, possibly to the opposite extreme.

March 9, 2017

I agree with this. The fact that you are romantically involved makes *any* perceived sexual connection taboo. He can hug probably any woman in church, but when he hugs *you,* tongues start clicking; pearl clutching ensues.

It's like behavior in the workplace when attraction runs high, or fraternizing in the workplace is not not allowed, you curb your behavior towards each other, possibly to the opposite extreme.

I know the Church tends to be on the "strict" side of things meaning, for example if a couple happens to divorce for any reason, they're not welcome back into the Church. I heard that from a former Church member whom I met once.

March 9, 2017

I know the Church tends to be on the "strict" side of things meaning, for example if a couple happens to divorce for any reason, they're not welcome back into the Church. I heard that from a former Church member whom I met once.

Ah, THAT kind of church...

Well, I think he was playing his 'church' face. With you, the romantic interest, he needed to create facade of purity for the church to see or at least not disclose any element of his romantic interest in you. Have the two of you spent time petting one another, feeling each other, or having sex? I suspect you have. He's putting on a show for the church.

His defensiveness and childish "I know, I know!" response shows that he knows that he was wrong to treat you in that manner. Or at least, he feels guilty about it.

The churches like that tend to bludgeon God out of their followers in the long term leaving many disillusioned and weary. Someone said that you had a good guy there.Well, I don't see any evidence of that.

BTW, displays of brotherly affection is or should be fine in church. Him giving you a hug should have been acceptable unless HE was not in the mental/spiritual state of mind to keep himself disciplined. His not hugging you and placing a book in between are signs of HIS spiritual weakness. You didn't do anything wrong.

March 9, 2017

I went though something like this back in the late '80s with a bf. We were both heavily involved in the church which was a fundamental, evangelical church.

We dated for about 10 mths, and I remember sitting next to him in the pew and he'd place a Bible between us. He also wouldn't put his arm around my shoulders, unlike other dating couples there our age, and it really hurt my feelings, but I never spoke up. Actually, I did once, and he got angry and pulled the spiritual card on me and turned everything around blaming me and my lack of spirituality in focusing on things other than God's word.

It was like I wasn't "godly enough" to be seen as his gf in church because he was a deacon and Sunday school teacher, and he had a Godly image to uphold.

But yet he was totally fine with "doing everything but" physically with me in private.

Looking back after nearly 30 years and far removed from the church, I believe he was a controlling a**hole and emotionally abusive.

March 9, 2017

I went though something like this back in the late '80s with a bf. We were both heavily involved in the church which was a fundamental, evangelical church.

We dated for about 10 mths, and I remember sitting next to him in the pew and he'd place a Bible between us. He also wouldn't put his arm around my shoulders, unlike other dating couples there our age, and it really hurt my feelings, but I never spoke up. Actually, I did once, and he got angry and pulled the spiritual card on me and turned everything around blaming me and my lack of spirituality in focusing on things other than God's word.

It was like I wasn't "godly enough" to be seen as his gf in church because he was a deacon and Sunday school teacher, and he had a Godly image to uphold.

But yet he was totally fine with "doing everything but" physically with me in private.

Looking back after nearly 30 years and far removed from the church, I believe he was a controlling a**hole and emotionally abusive.

Sounds like a bit like my boyfriend, although he isn't actively involved in Church other than weekly Bible study. Your post gives me something to think about. He has no problems hugging me and us kissing outside of the Church. Although he didn't get as angry as yours did. He tried to avoid talking about it at first when he knew it had upset me. At first he raised his voice, then later when I brought it up as we were ready to leave he told me he was going to hug me later

Edited March 9, 2017 by ChattyKat

March 9, 2017

....idk, he did ask why I didn't come to Bible study, I told him I wasn't feeling well. And he was like okay, hope you feel better soon. I don't think he was there to seek another woman since I was with him there. And I'd think any man would have the brains not to date 2 women from the same Church, especially the one we attend to is somewhat small. He hasn't gone in a long time then all the sudden decides to attend the past few weeks.

I would think if he was trying to hide it that he was dating me that he wouldn't bother attending Church. It's the first time that it happened and he's aware how it made me felt. I plan to discuss it with him again so there's no awkward moments next time we attend and see what happens

Not true. I've seen single men in my Church date several of the single ladies there. Church seems to be one of the "pick up" places for a lot of single people.

March 9, 2017

Not true. I've seen single men in my Church date several of the single ladies there. Church seems to be one of the "pick up" places for a lot of single people.

hmmm..... Gives me something to think about.... Since there was an incident that happened 2 days later...... A book was dropped of at his home that he wanted me to bring into the home since he was working. I asked him questions who was the person dropping off the book. Turns out it was a woman from Church who has been a long-time member there. I forgot to ask if she was single or married. I didn't want to look like a jealous psycho

I didn't realize Church was a "pick up" place, maybe for women since more single ladies attend Church than single men.

March 9, 2017

What was the title of the book, if you can remember?

Just wondering if it was religion or church related...or something else.

March 9, 2017

What was the title of the book, if you can remember?

Just wondering if it was religion or church related...or something else.

It was financial related like a Dave Ramsey book

March 9, 2017

He's interested in that woman who sent the book and he's more interested in her than he is you. She is probably also interested in him. He's probably downplayed your relationship to her in hopes she will step up and get real interested in him, and now she has.

March 11, 2017

He didn't swear, just raised his voice loudly when I wanted us to discuss what happened in Church and how it made me felt in Church. From what I noticed about him, he's the type to avoid conflict. What he did in Church, I felt a little abused emotionally when he couldn't bother accepting my hug and putting distance in between us by putting the Bible on the chair

Honestly, if you felt this way, IMO you should end it. I haven't read the entire thread, but I see that you attempted to discuss your feelings with him and he raised his voice. All red flags. I am sorry, but I think these are good indications you should move on.

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was I overreacting or had right to feel embarrassed by BF's behavior in Church

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