My ex broke my heart then turns up with flowers but not to get back together?!?!!!

[allybaba789]

Relationship background: spent 10 months with a man where we had a very good relationship in general (got on well, same interests, got on with families etc.) but he had deep unavailability issues. 5 months in after only small clues, he said he didn't consider me his 'girlfriend' but agreed that we were in a committed relationship. He finds the 'girlfriend' label a bit stronger and indicative of long-term commitment which obviously is stupid and confusing as we did everything a normal couple does. I decided to carry on seeing him as he demonstrated a strong fear of losing me, turning up at my work etc. when I said I couldn't do it anymore and I thought he may just be scared of how much he likes me and need some time to get used to the idea. At the 8-9 month stage I really felt myself falling in love with him and I had moments where I thought he was feeling similar (but we never said I love you).

 

Break-up Atfer 10 months he left me as said he couldn't deal with his commitment issues whilst in the relationship and wanted to deal with them alone, maybe trying counselling. He gave me the its not you its me spiel. Not sure what triggered it, I personally think he just doesn't think I'm 'the One'. I don't think he's been to counselling but I don't know. I'm pretty sure he started seeing another girl afterwards, but not 100% sure and that lasted about a month. To say I was heartbroken is an understatement (and its my only heartbreak).

 

Post-break up We did not speak for 2.5 months as I said I needed no contact. I messaged him after the two months and clearly said I made contact because I wanted to clear the air and didn't want him ruining my birthday (that was the day I said he could contact me again). After that I heard from him 3-4 times maybe, just random rubbish like 'you'll like this tv show'. Then yesterday he then turns up at my house on my 26th birthday with a beautiful bunch of white roses, having not spoken in over a week. At the time I was pleased to see him and thought maybe he was going to say he had made a mistake and wanted me back He was hugging me a lot and I would have a little hug then pull away because I wanted to talk. We had a catch up on life, then he said he had lunch plans and left and I felt crap. Obviously I thought maybe he felt ready to try something serious and he didn't say anything of the sort. I text him last night how I was feeling, asking what was the purpose? He just said he was in the area and thought it would be nice (he lives an hour drive from me). He also said 'you're forgetting that I miss you too' and that it was not his intention to get back with me. He's massively playing the effort down. He's left my head in a complete mess and I'm really upset as I spent 2 months getting over him and had made such good progress. I'm now re-living the heartbreak. Had he asked to meet up in person, I would have said no, so felt like I was given no choice with him turning up on my doorstep.

 

I would really appreciate any advice on why an ex who left you would turn up 2-3 months later with roses, but not to reconcile?!. Why do you think he did it? Why is he then pretending it was no effort afterwards? Why does he now seem mad at me when I've done nothing wrong but told him he shouldn't have done it? What do you think I should do? So confused.

[Bromeo]

I just slashed a poor girl to pieces on another thread, so I'll endeavor to be much kinder here.

 

When I read your post, it made me think of boys who can play the long game. He knew he'd been gone for awhile, wanted to make an effort with flowers, and wanted to get you thinking about him. By not pushing the reconciliation issue, it has left you very confused.

 

With everyone but my most current ex, I can play the long game. With her, and her stupid games, it's either "we talk now, or you are blocked." She will not be receiving flowers.

 

I know my first response to external confusion is anger. It's propelled me successfully through some very dangerous scenarios.

 

It depends on what you want. I have learned through my own drama that clear communication defeats confusion and gamesmanship.

 

If you care about him, and want him back, thank him for the flowers, and ask him directly about his intentions. His response or lack of one will be telling.

 

Be safe.

 

Dave

[allybaba789]

I just slashed a poor girl to pieces on another thread, so I'll endeavor to be much kinder here.

 

When I read your post, it made me think of boys who can play the long game. He knew he'd been gone for awhile, wanted to make an effort with flowers, and wanted to get you thinking about him. By not pushing the reconciliation issue, it has left you very confused.

 

With everyone but my most current ex, I can play the long game. With her, and her stupid games, it's either "we talk now, or you are blocked." She will not be receiving flowers.

 

I know my first response to external confusion is anger. It's propelled me successfully through some very dangerous scenarios.

 

It depends on what you want. I have learned through my own drama that clear communication defeats confusion and gamesmanship.

 

If you care about him, and want him back, thank him for the flowers, and ask him directly about his intentions. His response or lack of one will be telling.

 

Be safe.

 

Dave

 

Thanks for your thoughts Dave. I'm a bit confused about your point though, are you saying you think he's playing games? If so, then he can leave my life asap. I'm not about games. Games are the epitamy of selfishness.

 

I feel a lot of anger and I will release that over time. For now, hatred is keeping me away from him and that's a good thing. He made it clear he didn't want to get back with me so maybe I just need to forget about it and move on.

[d0nnivain]

He's clueless (or outright mean but we're gonna go with the nicer clueless).

 

 

He thinks he's being kind & showing you that you mean something to him. He wants some halfassed version of friendship on his terms alone, meaning he gets to see you, spend some time with you, talk all without any emotional attachment. He wants some sort of NSA relationship & he has no idea that what he's asking for pains you.

 

 

Get him out of your life & keep him there. Since you want him back, I'd lay it all on the line so you have no regrets later. Say something like this to him:

 

 

You have no idea how cruel it was for you to show up on my birthday with roses. I don't know what you are playing at but it has to stop. I like you -- or at least I liked you before you stomped all over my heart. I thought we had something good & I wanted to see where it went even when you told me the labels were freaking you out. I was willing to work but you walked away. Now you are back & I don't know what you are playing at. I don't want some watered down version of what we had. I want a relationship with you. If that is not what you want, I need to walk away. Don't come around with your flowers & your recommendations for TV shows with some idea that we can be friends. We can't. I want more. If you don't want to give me more, the only way I can heal is for you to be gone.

So

chose: me or the door.

 

Best wishes. I think he's going to chose the door because I really don't think he's mature enough to do anything other than hide.

[elaine567]

Nothing to be confused about.

He told you he didn't want a gf - but you hung around anyway.

He told you you were through - but you kept hoping.

He shows up on your birthday with a grand gesture but has a lunch date booked so he leaves. Then when you question him he tells you he doesn't want to get back together.

No confusion, he just doesn't want to be with you.

 

YOU are projecting all your feelings onto him and have done so almost from day one.

 

I guess, like many dumpers, he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy and is very happy being friends with you. He is not emotionally invested any more, so being friends with you, is win win for him.

 

(I am also sorry to say this but many men want to stay friends with or want to catch up with the ex so he can use her for sex.

She is besotted, so she will agree to anything just to keep him around...sad but true)

[allybaba789]

Nothing to be confused about.

He told you he didn't want a gf - but you hung around anyway.

He told you you were through - but you kept hoping.

He shows up on your birthday with a grand gesture but has a lunch date booked so he leaves. Then when you question him he tells you he doesn't want to get back together.

No confusion, he just doesn't want to be with you.

 

YOU are projecting all your feelings onto him and have done so almost from day one.

 

I guess, like many dumpers, he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy and is very happy being friends with you. He is not emotionally invested any more, so being friends with you, is win win for him.

 

(I am also sorry to say this but many men want to stay friends with or want to catch up with the ex so he can use her for sex.

She is besotted, so she will agree to anything just to keep him around...sad but true)

 

That's not entirely true, I made it clear I couldn't go on when he first brought up his issues and he made it clear he didn't want me to leave and give up on us. He couldn't promise anything but really wanted to feel comfortable with the commitment as he felt we had something special. Whilst I do agree that it's not an ideal situation, I would have isntantly left if he downright told me he didn't want a girlfriend at the time or anytime in the future, but he made it clear he was just confused and if I would give him a few more months. He was clearly emotional when having these conversations, but who knows, maybe he's the best game player there is. It was a hard situation and looking back I do wish I left. I wasn't holding on for the sake of it, I was hoping it was a small issue that he could get comfy on which he didnt.

 

Obviously when someone is happy to meet your family etc and they introduce you to theirs you assume its serious. I felt a bit stuck after that and that I might aswell see where it goes, but I've learnt from it.

 

He had absolutely no chance of sex with me and I think he knew that but maybe tried his luck.

 

It is very hard when someone is in a very serious relationship with you and has a serious commitment issue that rears its ugly heard deep into your relationship. He even called me his girlfriend a couple of times before we had the conversation (though not a lot). I'm not naive. It's hard to distinguish between who generally has issues (he had a semi-abusive relationship with a much older woman for two years which clearly affected him) and who is keeping you along for the ride. Ultimately what I have learnt is I don't want anyone with emotional issues which he had and I need to focus on that point.

[allybaba789]

He's clueless (or outright mean but we're gonna go with the nicer clueless).

 

 

He thinks he's being kind & showing you that you mean something to him. He wants some halfassed version of friendship on his terms alone, meaning he gets to see you, spend some time with you, talk all without any emotional attachment. He wants some sort of NSA relationship & he has no idea that what he's asking for pains you.

 

 

Get him out of your life & keep him there. Since you want him back, I'd lay it all on the line so you have no regrets later. Say something like this to him:

 

 

You have no idea how cruel it was for you to show up on my birthday with roses. I don't know what you are playing at but it has to stop. I like you -- or at least I liked you before you stomped all over my heart. I thought we had something good & I wanted to see where it went even when you told me the labels were freaking you out. I was willing to work but you walked away. Now you are back & I don't know what you are playing at. I don't want some watered down version of what we had. I want a relationship with you. If that is not what you want, I need to walk away. Don't come around with your flowers & your recommendations for TV shows with some idea that we can be friends. We can't. I want more. If you don't want to give me more, the only way I can heal is for you to be gone.

So

chose: me or the door.

 

Best wishes. I think he's going to chose the door because I really don't think he's mature enough to do anything other than hide.

 

Thank you - that's a very helpful answer. I think one of the issues is he doesn't realise how hurt I am. I dont think he realises he has broken my heart because he was probably keeping me at an emotional distance the whole relationship.

 

He will absolutely choose the door, he's 26 and has the next decade to meet a great woman. He said he thinks I'm an amazing women but he clearly thinks the chances of meeting another one are high. Time is on his side, as it is mine. One thing I'm learning is timing is such a huge part of a relationship. It's a sad realisation as he really made me happy, it's such a waste. I will be using your message and adjusting it only slightly so thanks again so much x

Edited March 8, 2017 by allybaba789

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you know what his dating/relationship history is like? Has he had long-term relationships?

 

I don't know his background, and he may just be the ultimate player, but it might also be worth reading about Attachment theory. Avoidant Attachment may or may not apply to him, but if it does, it might give you some insight into his behaviour.

 

Either way, I would let him know his gestures are not appreciated because it's painful for you. At this point in his life, he's not either or not able or not willing to be a boyfriend so it's best to cut all contact.

Edited March 8, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[allybaba789]

Do you know what his dating/relationship history is like? Has he had long-term relationships?

 

I don't know his background, and he may just be the ultimate player, but it might also be worth reading about Attachment theory. Avoidant Attachment may or may not apply to him, but if it does, it might give you some insight into his behaviour.

 

Either way, I would let him know his gestures are not appreciated because it's painful for you. At this point in his life, he's not either or not able or not willing to be a boyfriend so it's best to cut all contact.

 

Yes his relationship history is as follows:

 

1.) Age 18: Lived with a girl for 2 years when he was 18 who was 28 years old and didnt let him go out. He lost his job and all his friends and said he totally lost himself. He is the only ex he never refers to by name. He calls her a narcissist and said he was obsessed with her. He quite often says things to me like 'your the only girl I've ever been serious with' and I'd be liek what about the girl you lived with??!?!?!?! It's like he's written it off in his mind. He was clearly very hurt by it all. Also the girl has never settled down and he told me when we broke up that she rang him 2 months before that (ie. 8 months into our rship) asking to see him but he never said he was seeing anyone. He slept with her about 6 months before we met. They both can't quite seem to let go of each other.

 

- Age 23 ish: Dated a girl for 3 months who left him because she wanted to settle down

 

- Age 24 ish: Dated a girl on and off for 1.5 years where it was prety serious but she had just come out of a 6 yr rship so she didnt care about labels or settling. They would regularly go a couple of weeks without speaking to each other and both agreed at the year mark it wasn't working and it gradually died out

 

- Age 26: met me and we were together for 10 months. You know the rest!

 

He was abandoned by his father at a very young age and his mum hasn't mentioned in Dad in over 8 years. The only reason she mentioned him 8 years ago was because they found out he had other children who were older than him and they contacted him on facebook. So he found out he had 2 half-sisters aged 18 (who were 24 and 26 ish, despite the fact that his mum was apparently with his father for 15 years, she was a side)

 

I also noticed it was shortly after this he went into the weird rship with the older woman.

 

I will look into Attachment theory thank you. I'll soon know the answer depending on if he settles down in the next year or so, but at the same time I don't want to be keeping tabs on him.

[stillafool]

Relationship background: spent 10 months with a man where we had a very good relationship in general (got on well, same interests, got on with families etc.) but he had deep unavailability issues. 5 months in after only small clues, he said he didn't consider me his 'girlfriend' but agreed that we were in a committed relationship. He finds the 'girlfriend' label a bit stronger and indicative of long-term commitment which obviously is stupid and confusing as we did everything a normal couple does. I decided to carry on seeing him as he demonstrated a strong fear of losing me, turning up at my work etc. when I said I couldn't do it anymore and I thought he may just be scared of how much he likes me and need some time to get used to the idea. At the 8-9 month stage I really felt myself falling in love with him and I had moments where I thought he was feeling similar (but we never said I love you).

 

 

After 5 months with you he said he didn't consider you his 'girlfriend' which he considered indicative of a long term relationship. For me, that would be all I needed to know to move on if I was looking for a long term commitment from a man. He basically considered you two FWBs while he continues looking for the love of his life because after all he is only 26 and you are right time is on his side. I've called exes I've broken up with on their b-days just to be nice and to tell you the truth some were great people who I would have loved to stay friends with if they had let me. However I never wanted to get back with them as a lover. Since any contact with him sets you back you should tell him to not contact you under any circumstances again.

[allybaba789]

After 5 months with you he said he didn't consider you his 'girlfriend' which he considered indicative of a long term relationship. For me, that would be all I needed to know to move on if I was looking for a long term commitment from a man. He basically considered you two FWBs while he continues looking for the love of his life because after all he is only 26 and you are right time is on his side. I've called exes I've broken up with on their b-days just to be nice and to tell you the truth some were great people who I would have loved to stay friends with if they had let me. However I never wanted to get back with them as a lover. Since any contact with him sets you back you should tell him to not contact you under any circumstances again.

 

I think you are right on most points, but I don't think he considered me FWBs or are we in a new realm where people meet the families of thir FWBs? I find that so wrong and misleading if that's something people do.

 

Regardless, I want to be with someone who considers me the love of their life. I feel like I was so ready to leave but he really made me feel like it was worth staying. I remember him saying to me "we could be building the best foundaton for an amazing long-term relationship". Looking back, he was just trying to get me to hang on whilst he sorted his head out, but when people want something they don't make you hang on. He even didn't book a boys holiday as it was going to be over our year anniversary (which we never got to). Seriously the most conflicting relationship I've ever had in my life. Never again.

[marky00]

 

I guess, like many dumpers, he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy and is very happy being friends with you. He is not emotionally invested any more, so being friends with you, is win win for him.

 

 

pfff

 

 

He gave her flowers for pete's sake. As a man, I can tell you I would never give flowers to a woman who was just my friend. I am smart enough to know that could cause some confusion. Especially if we had previously dated.

 

 

He is immature and doesn't know how to conduct himself properly.

 

 

If anything it is he who is projecting. He is projecting his fantasy world that he can dump someone and still be friends with them.

[Bromeo]

pfff

 

 

He gave her flowers for pete's sake. As a man, I can tell you I would never give flowers to a woman who was just my friend. I am smart enough to know that could cause some confusion. Especially if we had previously dated.

 

 

He is immature and doesn't know how to conduct himself properly.

 

 

If anything it is he who is projecting. He is projecting his fantasy world that he can dump someone and still be friends with them.

 

Spot on. I will never bring flowers to a friend, except in the hospital or at a funeral.

 

Additionally, it is a fantasy world where dumpers remain friends with dumpees. My dad is Sicilian, and we sure do know how to hold grudges.

 

I'll reiterate. Directly ask him what his intentions are, and most likely watch him squirm. If I had the stones to do that months ago, it would have saved me much heartache.

[allybaba789]

pfff

 

 

He gave her flowers for pete's sake. As a man, I can tell you I would never give flowers to a woman who was just my friend. I am smart enough to know that could cause some confusion. Especially if we had previously dated.

 

 

He is immature and doesn't know how to conduct himself properly.

 

 

If anything it is he who is projecting. He is projecting his fantasy world that he can dump someone and still be friends with them.

 

I know it was a big deal for him to get me flowers as early on in our rship I suggested us buying his mum flowers for her birthday and he said no, and that he thinks flowers are stupid and to never expect flowers from him (his way of showing appreciation was taking me out somewhere or cooking me a meal). He didn't get me flowers on Valentines and we spoke about it and I said I thought it would have been nice but I wasn't bothered.

 

And then after we break up he gets me quite extravegent roses. Weird.

 

I don't know why people immediately jump to the 'you were FWB' thing. He always said we were in a serious rship, he was just funny about the 'girlfriend' label.

 

I think he's one of these people who unconsciously sabotages people as he doesn't realise what an emotional mess he is.

[Zahara]

I know it was a big deal for him to get me flowers as early on in our rship I suggested us buying his mum flowers for her birthday and he said no, and that he thinks flowers are stupid and to never expect flowers from him (his way of showing appreciation was taking me out somewhere or cooking me a meal). He didn't get me flowers on Valentines and we spoke about it and I said I thought it would have been nice but I wasn't bothered.

 

And then after we break up he gets me quite extravegent roses. Weird.

 

I don't know why people immediately jump to the 'you were FWB' thing. He always said we were in a serious rship, he was just funny about the 'girlfriend' label.

 

I think he's one of these people who unconsciously sabotages people as he doesn't realise what an emotional mess he is.

 

OP, forget the flowers. That was just a show. Flowers don't mean anything when he's again gone missing.

 

He sounds avoidant to me. Push pull/hot cold. I don't think that there was anything you could have done differently to change the outcome other than you bolting at month 5.

[allybaba789]

OP, forget the flowers. That was just a show. Flowers don't mean anything when he's again gone missing.

 

He sounds avoidant to me. Push pull/hot cold. I don't think that there was anything you could have done differently to change the outcome other than you bolting at month 5.

 

Understand your points, but the flowers were so misleading they are hard to ignore!

 

He is absolutely a fickle individual. I'm very consistent so I can't have that in my life. It's just a shame I had to experience this, I could have done without this emotional pain but in some ways I'm sure it's been good for me. Have to keep on moving...

[Zahara]

Understand your points, but the flowers were so misleading they are hard to ignore!

 

He is absolutely a fickle individual. I'm very consistent so I can't have that in my life. It's just a shame I had to experience this, I could have done without this emotional pain but in some ways I'm sure it's been good for me. Have to keep on moving...

 

I know it's hard. But think about it. They're meaningless when followed by complete ambivalence. You mentioned that he is emotionally unavailable so everything they do, you take with a grain of salt. There is no ability to truly connect. Butt maybe a small part of him thought he could go there with you again and actually bought the flowers as a gesture to show you how he felt but when he got there, saw you and realized what it would all entail, he got cold feet and bolted to lunch.

 

Yes, keep on moving. This type of crazy making is just not worth it. You'll never understand them.

[la74219]

My advice is to move on, but trust me you'll hear from him again. The minute he feels you slipping away, he will be back to make sure you haven't forgotten him. Similar situation I'm in except I'm the male. She won't make a commitment to me, but won't let me go either. I basically just put my foot down, and told her don't waste my time contacting me unless you have intentions on really wanting to make things work. And even then..I may not be available. Good luck.

[allybaba789]

My advice is to move on, but trust me you'll hear from him again. The minute he feels you slipping away, he will be back to make sure you haven't forgotten him. Similar situation I'm in except I'm the male. She won't make a commitment to me, but won't let me go either. I basically just put my foot down, and told her don't waste my time contacting me unless you have intentions on really wanting to make things work. And even then..I may not be available. Good luck.

 

You are absolutely right. I would never treat someone else this way so I think it's why I find it hard to comprehend. I'm very careful with people I've broken up with (i.e. never text them first or call) as I don't want to rub salt into the wound. I find doing the opposite SOOOO selfish!!!!!

[la74219]

You are absolutely right. I would never treat someone else this way so I think it's why I find it hard to comprehend. I'm very careful with people I've broken up with (i.e. never text them first or call) as I don't want to rub salt into the wound. I find doing the opposite SOOOO selfish!!!!!

 

I really don't understand it. In my situation, we were not officially dating, but we were close. So there was no "title" to the relationship similar to your situation. When I told her how I felt about her, she started with the hot and cold for several months. Then I find out she's been getting close to someone else the whole time, but claims they are just friends. As soon as I found out, I backed off completely. That's when she came back, and wanted to talk. But she refuses to make a commitment still. I'm a black and white kind of person...I don't like the gray area. So it's difficult for me to really grasp the whole purpose of someone acting like that. If you want to date other people or simply don't see a future with us, just tell me. It's not that difficult.

[d0nnivain]

I will be using your message and adjusting it only slightly so thanks again so much x

 

 

Use your words & speak to him. Don't message, text, e-mail, FB or use any written medium. Talk to the guy. Use your voice & your body language. You must be able to look him in the eye & personally gage his non-verbal responses to your points. All of that will be lost to you if you write what I said.

[elaine567]

YOU are placing such significance on the flowers and not listening to what he told you,

This is the problem with emotionally unavailable guys, women start filling in the blanks for them. Women make up stories in their heads about them and are so disappointed when they find out the real him.

 

He never tells you he loves her but she starts seeing love everywhere in the things he does and says. Even the most mundane things take on special significance as she vainly looks for signs he loves you.

"He takes me to the supermarket, he hates the supermarket so he MUST love me..."

"He stays, so he MUST love me..."

 

He has probably just taken your lead as regards birthday flowers and so bought flowers for your birthday, as it was the expected thing to do.

Or his new gf loved flowers, so he has learned in the meantime...

or he was looking for a "reward" for the flowers...

Who knows, but when asked as to his intentions he said he did not want a reconciliation, so you need to stop assuming it all means more.

[SevenCity]

I think you are right on most points, but I don't think he considered me FWBs or are we in a new realm where people meet the families of thir FWBs? I find that so wrong and misleading if that's something people do.

 

Regardless, I want to be with someone who considers me the love of their life. I feel like I was so ready to leave but he really made me feel like it was worth staying. I remember him saying to me "we could be building the best foundaton for an amazing long-term relationship". Looking back, he was just trying to get me to hang on whilst he sorted his head out, but when people want something they don't make you hang on. He even didn't book a boys holiday as it was going to be over our year anniversary (which we never got to). Seriously the most conflicting relationship I've ever had in my life. Never again.

 

This should be enough reason to block him and slam the door in his face if he ever shows up again. Your request is not only reasonable, but attainable. Not from this jerk though. He's selfish and putting his feelings above yours.

 

You deserve better. I would not reply other than "Please don't contact me unless you want to work on a relationship". But he won't give that to you anyway so it's pointless to say anything.

[Bromeo]

This should be enough reason to block him and slam the door in his face if he ever shows up again. Your request is not only reasonable, but attainable. Not from this jerk though. He's selfish and putting his feelings above yours.

 

You deserve better. I would not reply other than "Please don't contact me unless you want to work on a relationship". But he won't give that to you anyway so it's pointless to say anything.

 

I dropped this bomb on mine right after thanksgiving. She didn't contact me until after January, and not about working things out.

[la74219]

I dropped this bomb on mine right after thanksgiving. She didn't contact me until after January, and not about working things out.

 

I dropped this bomb too..it lasted two days lol. I don't know what's worse Bromeo..two days or two months!