I recently broke up with my long-term girlfriend of 7 years. Right decision?

March 8, 2017

Hey everyone,

First time post here — asking for help/advice/insight/perspective/etc on my current situation…

So, I recently (last week) broke up with my long-term girlfriend. We were together for 7 years. High school sweethearts etc.

I truly love this women. She was my best-friend. I love and care about her unconditionally. Our relationship was perfect on paper. We shared the same interests, humor, likes/dislikes, yadayadayada…

BUT,

For some reason I didn’t feel fulfilled or satisfied at the end of the day. I wrestled with these feelings for months and months (we talked about my feelings too). And it wasn’t that I didn’t love her, because I genuinely did (and still do). I'm not sure if my love towards her was more of that of a best-friend, or if it was romantic passion. But for whatever reason I felt a feeling of unhappiness and it ate away at me for a year until I finally worked up the courage to end it with her. It was by far the hardest thing I’ve done in my life.

This is basically what I said to her, and how I feel (I broke up with her in person, out of respect):

“You’ve always given me 100% of your love, and I feel like I haven’t fully returned that. I try my hardest to treat you as special as you are, but at times I don’t give you the complete fulfilling love you should be getting in return from a committed relationship. I feel like I haven’t been there fully emotionally for you, and I don’t think it’s fair or right.

As I’ve said before, I’ve been feeling confused/uncertain about things off and on for a while now. I’ve come to the possible realization that those feelings stem from my lack of life experience in general. I’ve got problems within myself that I have to deal with before anything else. In order to gain any understanding on anything, especially love, I think that I need to have context and experience to learn from.

We’ve been together for a huge quarter of our young lives, and you’ve helped me grow so much (hopefully I’ve done the same for you), but I’ve also never really been single as a young man. We’ve grown dependently together, instead of growing independently as two — which I think is important for any relationship between two people. I think it would be healthy for both of us to get outside of our comfort zones and grow a bit independently at this stage of life.

Since I don’t know anything outside of you, there’s always been a wedge driven through our relationship by me not understanding how meaningful it is. And this is basically all my fault. You’re truly an amazing women, with intoxicating physical and mental beauty, and real depth of personality. Every unique piece of you paints a beautiful picture.

Unfortunately though, we’re still kids with minimal life experience. Timing is important and it sucks. I really don’t want to hurt you because I genuinely love you, but I know that I’m unfortunately breaking your heart either way — if we break up or if I just string you along while I try to find myself.

I know this is pretty selfish of me, but it’s how I feel. It seems like it’s important to learn from experience in order to truly love. Like knowing the sour to know the sweet. I’ve thought about this for a long time and there’s no fixing my problems without me going out on my own to do so.

I still obviously want you to be in my life, and I’d still love to chill as best-friends. You’re undoubtedly one of my favorite humans on this planet. You’ll always be extremely important to me, and I’ll always care about you immensely. But, I imagine that we’ll probably need some time alone and apart to process everything.

Anyways, I feel like I need to go out on my own for once. I feel like if I don’t do it now then I’m just suppressing things that will negatively materialize later in our relationship like they have been.

In a way I feel like I’m emotionally cheating on you since I’m not 100% fully invested in our relationship because I don’t have any experience or knowledge of self. It’s not fair to you for me to have one foot in the door and one foot out at times. You deserve full love, not just someone who’s undecidedly hot and cold in their ignorance.

I’m sorry, but it feels like I need to make an important decision for once in my life. I think breaking up for now would be the best thing for both of us in the long run, and hopefully we’ll possibly still be fundamental parts of each others future at some point. I’m sorry that my problems have led to this.”

Plus, a quote that also helps explain my feelings:

“I spent [seven] years hurting a good woman by staying with her, but never fully choosing her. I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly. … Every day, for [seven] years, I chose her a little less [though]. … Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so much more. … I realize now, however, that she was often [anxious/scared/etc] because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her. … Actually, I did abandon her. By not fully choosing her every day for [seven] years, I deserted her. … Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship. … Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen, every day.”

NOW,

I’m really struggling with feelings of regret and the sadness of missing her. And it really kills me that I've hurt her this much and caused her this much suffering (she's devastated).

I know it’s fresh and these emotions are natural, and my logical/rational mind thinks the break up was ultimately the right decision, but my heart still aches…

Anyways, that’s my story. Thanks for listening.

Edited March 8, 2017 by a_hughman
typo

March 8, 2017

I'm sorry that you are hurting right now.

I don't know if you made the right decision. But, it seems that you made the decision you felt that you needed to make right now.

Band I will say, it is better to do it now, than to do it in ten years when you are married and have a family... but always wonder what it would have been like to live life on your own, or have another relationship, or be with another woman.

I only hope that when you leave to travel the world, you don't learn that what you really wanted was right there for you, at home. Only time will tell.

But I'd like to think, if it is meant to be, you will come back together.

Best wishes to you.

March 8, 2017

You want to see what is out there and i'm guess you're around 25.

GL

March 8, 2017

Thank you for the words and perspective. I appreciate it. For some context, we are both 23 years old.

March 8, 2017

Welcome.

I guess in the sense of it being right to not be fake to her and to express your desire to see what life is like without her, then sure, you made the right decision.

However, if this ends up being a case of having GIGS (look it up), then you might eventually feel that you made the "wrong" decision.

Only time will tell. Also...

I still obviously want you to be in my life, and I’d still love to chill as best-friends.

You need to stop that sh*t right now. You want to have your cake and eat it too. It's ok to be selfish by wanting to be on your own, but don't try to keep her around like that.

Good luck. I've been in a similar place and I know how hard that must have been for you (and will most likely continue to be).

March 8, 2017

Welcome.

I guess in the sense of it being right to not be fake to her and to express your desire to see what life is like without her, then sure, you made the right decision.

However, if this ends up being a case of having GIGS (look it up), then you might eventually feel that you made the "wrong" decision.

Only time will tell. Also...

You need to stop that sh*t right now. You want to have your cake and eat it too. It's ok to be selfish by wanting to be on your own, but don't try to keep her around like that.

Good luck. I've been in a similar place and I know how hard that must have been for you (and will most likely continue to be).

This.

Leave her alone. It's actually extremely selfish to even say something like that to her after 7 years. She's in love with you and you expect her to "chill and be best friends"? Uh, really man?

I'm not saying you made the right/wrong decision because nobody can tell you if it was or was not, but I will tell you right now, if this urge was the urge to have sex with other woman...it's not that cool waking up to somebody you don't care about.

I get the whole "get it out of your system thing", I've done it. However, trust me, one good girl is worth more than a 100 girls that mean nothing to you.

Good luck, bud.

March 8, 2017

Thank you for the input, I appreciate your perspective. And I definitely see your point about me wanting my cake and eating it too... I'll cut that selfishness, you're right that it's not fair to her at all.

Moreover, It would definitely suck if all my feelings were based off "grass is greener" syndrome... But it wasn't so much that I was curious about exploring life with others and being single etc -- that was part of it -- but I did feel unsatisfied at the end of the day, like something was missing in our relationship. And my love towards her seemed more how I'd love and care for my best-friends. The romantic passion wasn't necessarily flourishing. But yeah, at the end of the day it wasn't fair to her for me to not be giving her full and complete love in return, like she was giving me.

You said you've been in a similar place -- would you mind explaining your situation and how things are now etc?

Thank you.

March 8, 2017

Thank you for the input, I appreciate your perspective. And I definitely see your point about me wanting my cake and eating it too... I'll cut that selfishness, you're right that it's not fair to her at all.

Moreover, It would definitely suck if all my feelings were based off "grass is greener" syndrome... But it wasn't so much that I was curious about exploring life with others and being single etc -- that was part of it -- but I did feel unsatisfied at the end of the day, like something was missing in our relationship. And my love towards her seemed more how I'd love and care for my best-friends. The romantic passion wasn't necessarily flourishing. But yeah, at the end of the day it wasn't fair to her for me to not be giving her full and complete love in return, like she was giving me.

You said you've been in a similar place -- would you mind explaining your situation and how things are now etc?

Thank you.

I would have to say, yes, it still is part of GIGS. It's about thinking that there is some greater fulfillment outside of the relationship (can be other people, sleeping around, travelling, etc...). You will search for this "missing" part, doing things here and there to see if it fulfills you.

A question I'd like to ask: About a year ago... Did you graduate from college, start working, get a new group of friends, move in together, move in general, or talk about marriage? Any of the above?

Advice and stories can be useful. It will probably help you identify that finding that fulfillment is highly unlikely. However, it will not cause you to grow and learn from all this. You're already mentally checked out from the relationship, so advice probably won't help. Most likely, it's just that you're going to have do all this and try to find what you're looking for or get burned and learn from it.

I'm sure many posters, myself included, can give you a detailed, in-depth analysis of your thoughts and actions and how things will pan out in the future. We could identify problems and give you advice, however, you will not be learning crucial lessons that come with this break up.

In essence, be kind to yourself and your ex in this time. No matter the reason, a break up is hard.

March 8, 2017

Thanks for all of that. I do appreciate it.

I'm definitely aware that anonymous humans aren't gonna teach me what I need to learn from my life choices and experiences, nor am I expecting some sort of character analysis etc here. I was more so hoping for some help in dealing with my feelings etc.

But yeah, I understand the different perspectives here, and they do provide some insight for me, which I do appreciate, regardless of the judgements.

Like I said in my initial post, I had been having the feelings of unsatisfaction, unhappiness, lack of romantic passion, lack of spark, yadayadayada, and general non-interest erotically/romantically for at least a year prior to now. And we did try to address them through communication, and through my sweeping them under the rug. The feelings didn't arise out of college or moving or any other big change in our relationship or lives, they just developed over time.

i wonder if everyone has "GIGS" or if there are actually genuine reasons for breaking up.

March 8, 2017

I don't buy into "GIGS" - I think it's a term a lot of dumpees use because it's easier than facing the truth, which is that some relationships really do run their course and aren't working anymore. "GIGS" makes some people believe that it's similar to an illness in which symptoms are displayed and can be "treated" with a little time apart. Usually, thought, it's just younger people growing up and changing and wanting different things.

I also broke up with a long-term love at 23. We'd been together 5 years and on paper, he was a good guy. We'd lived together around 3 years too. But I also started to have doubts and a desire to get out and explore more. I wasn't ready to commit to one person forever, and honestly, I don't think he was either. We were best friends but the romantic passion we'd shared at 18 was, well, rather fleeting and not the kind of chemistry that could help sustain a lifelong partnership. We were too young and inexperienced for that.

I felt like a horrible person for ending it. He was very upset, as was I - but for different reasons. I certainly missed him as a friend (and I agree with the others, please don't offer to be "best friends" with your ex, it won't work) I felt guilty for hurting him and letting down our families who thought we'd probably wind up getting married. But I knew it was the right thing to do. Although I felt bad, I never wound up regretting that choice. I knew we could not be together when my heart wasn't in it. That was 13 years ago and we've both long since moved on from each other.

Based on experience, I'd say you made the right decision too. You two are quite normal, in that most first loves are not out last. Who you were as teens is not the same as who you are now, and it's better to go your separate ways than to force a connection that's just not there anymore.

March 8, 2017

Hey, thank you for the different perspective and thoughtful reply ExpatInItaly. I appreciate the hell out of it, especially from someone who's actually experienced the situation I'm in — means a lot. I agree with your thoughts on "GIGS" too, in relation to everything said.

If you don't mind me asking, how have your relationships been since then? New love? Friendship with your old love?

Anyways, thank you tons.

March 8, 2017

Hey, thank you for the different perspective and thoughtful reply ExpatInItaly. I appreciate the hell out of it, especially from someone who's actually experienced the situation I'm in — means a lot. I agree with your thoughts on "GIGS" too, in relation to everything said.

If you don't mind me asking, how have your relationships been since then? New love? Friendship with your old love?

Anyways, thank you tons.

I have been in two serious relationships since then. One lasted nearly 8 years, and I've been with my current partner for over 2 years. The ex I mentioned in my thread was a lovely guy, but i can say that I have grown and changed so much since then that my current man is much better-suited to me. I finally feel like I have met someone who is compatible with me for the long-term and I'm also nearly 36 and much more ready to settle down than I was at 23.

And no, I'm not friends with my ex. We remained in touch a little after we broke up, largely because we had to sort out moving out of our shared apartment and whatnot. He called me a few times to ask me to try again, but eventually stopped when I met someone else. We slowly lost contact, but given that we're from the same small town, I do know that he's now married and has children. I live on a different continent altogether now, so although I'd say hello if we ever crossed paths on one of my trips home, we're not in touch anymore and haven't been for many years now. No animosity, but people tend to drift out of our lives as time passes.

March 8, 2017

Hey, thank you for the different perspective and thoughtful reply ExpatInItaly. I appreciate the hell out of it, especially from someone who's actually experienced the situation I'm in — means a lot. I agree with your thoughts on "GIGS" too, in relation to everything said.

If you don't mind me asking, how have your relationships been since then? New love? Friendship with your old love?

Anyways, thank you tons.

Oops, double-post

March 8, 2017

You said you've been in a similar place -- would you mind explaining your situation and how things are now etc?

Thank you.

Ended a long-term relationship because the passion was gone from both me and the other partner. My partner agreed but didn't want to end it. I did. I made the hard choice. Probably the hardest thing I've done in my life. For months I would get haunted by shocks of guilt. Visions of her crying. I cried too. But I knew the relationship wasn't good for me anymore and I desired passion. With that person, it was as you said, best-friendship, and not romantic love.

I have gone through many ups and downs now and have had my heart broken too. I still do not regret my decision, because I know that I wasn't truly happy.

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I recently broke up with my long-term girlfriend of 7 years. Right decision?

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