Screwed things up with new girl

[hamsterhouse]

Hey everyone, new member here. I just recently screwed things up after 5 dates with a girl and I'm wondering what to make of it. Just a quick backstory, I'm not too far out of an abusive relationship with a girl with Borderline Personality Disorder. We dated for a few years, and after the constant rejection, breakups/makeups, cheating, and verbal abuse from her, I'm glad it's over, and I'm ready to get out there and find a new girl with a positive outlook on life. Anyways...

 

A couple of months ago I joined Tinder and met some nice girls. I went on a few dates but they didn't really do anything for me. Then, about a month ago I matched with a girl who seemed promising. We had a mutual friend and we broke the ice with that, then after talking I asked her for coffee the next day to which she agreed. The date went very well. Nice long conversations, she leaned in a lot, laughed at my stupid jokes, etc. She asked me out again a few days later and we did dinner and a movie. At the end of the date though I could only go in for a hug. I wanted to kiss her but I just froze up. Fear of rejection? Fear that this is going well and she's going to treat me like my ex did? I don't know, but I couldn't kiss her. Then we had dates 3 and 4, and again I couldn't kiss her. I knew her attraction was high because #1 we kept going out...but #2 she was very engaged and excited every time we got together. We didn't talk much outside of our dates, but near the end she began reaching out to me via text about random things. Then, with date 5 approaching I told myself "THIS IS IT, dude. She's obviously into you but she's not going to stick around forever. You HAVE to make a move." Well, I never got the chance. We got brunch and went to the museum, and during the date she was giving me all the right signals. Conversation, touching her body up to mine, etc. I just couldn't bring myself to hold her hand, be playful, touch her, or anything. I had the anxieties from the second date, but also with each date I felt more and more pressured and locked up further. We were supposed to do something else afterwards but she ended the date early citing a headache, to which I tested her on during the drive home suggesting we reschedule for during the week to which she agreed and gave me her open days. The next day though, I tried to change our date because I learned that the weather was going to be bad, to which she responded "I have to decline because I feel we don't have much romantic chemistry." Knowing that this was coming....I responded "Sorry to hear that. Give me a call if you change your mind. Take care." That was a week and a half ago.

 

I know where I went wrong here....but like I said I just couldn't bring myself to make a move. I froze. This is a new feeling for me, because I've always been outgoing, physical, and forward. I knew this would be inevitable, but I just watched it crumble before my eyes. Five dates with a new girl isn't much and I shouldn't be upset about it, but I'm upset because this was a promising thing that I let slip away, that the door was obviously wide open for me and I just couldn't walk through it. I'm wondering if I'm dealing with some residual damage from my ex-girlfriend.

 

One thing I will say, though, is that dates 3 and 4 were "group" affairs, small intimate things that she was excited for me to attend. It made me uncomfortable to be doing that so soon with her. I felt like there was some unintentional pressure because of her excitement.

 

So, all said and done, she's gone now. She's probably done; however, and I can't explain why, but I feel like she's going to reach out again in the future...I think partly because her attraction level was so high and I think she just got fed up waiting for me and might want to give it one last try. If she is done, though, I'll just have to take a serious learning lesson from this and prevent it from happening again. If you made it this far, thanks for reading, and I look forward to any feedback and/or suggestions.

[ashy555]

This is a tricky one. I have to say though that leaving the man to make the move should not always be the case. There was nothing stopping her from making a move. I am usually the one that initiates a kiss (I'm female)

I only make the move depending on how the date went. If it was a great date and we had a lot of fun, I would initiate it. Once I start to they catch on pretty quick and go for it as well.

 

One time I actually made out with a guys cheek. He was a little slow to catch on but did eventually

 

Did she ever try to initiate it? Maybe she went out with you that many times just to be sure and thorough then realised you weren't a match for her. Not necessarily because you didn't make a move.

 

You could always message her a little later on down the track and ask?

[TheTraveler]

I'll just have to take a serious learning lesson from this and prevent it from happening again. If you made it this far, thanks for reading, and I look forward to any feedback and/or suggestions.

 

Good! Maybe you'll get a text on down the road and get another chance, and if you do you better damn go for it! As I always say, the kiss doesn't have to happen at the end of the date.

 

It's just a kiss man. You made a big deal out of nothing thus neutering yourself.

[todreaminblue]

going for the kiss is always going to have nerves attached ....but not even being able to hold hands is a pretty big thing.....i havent met a man yet who hasnt been able to hold my hand on a date..... i normally link my hand through his arm anyway..differentiates hang out time with male friends to a date.....holding hands and or physical touching.....

 

i hope you have another chance with her down the track....try not be so nervous and just take her hand.....if you take a woman to dinner get used to touching...your hand in the small of her back as you lead her to a seat for dinner...pull her chair out....brush up against her..if your picking up soemthing or paying for a movie ticket ...whatever..snakcs at a movie...lean in and ask her softly if she wants you to get some drinks or popcorn..develop an ease of being close to her.....she wont bite you... i hav ehad guys do this...and its intimate and feels good.....

 

....one date i went on the guy pulled the chair out for me and as he held the chair he just brushed my cheek with his lips gave a cheeky grin.......its was really sweet and a smooth move.....when you are eating offer her a bite of your meal.... from your fork......establish intimate moments......just little things....but give that romance a hand to begin.....if you cross a road grab her hand...its so simple....make sure if you take her out and you are walking you need to cross a road.....dont cross at traffic lights.....just once.....its easy to take someones hand crossing a road...feels natural and not forced.....

 

 

from what you wrote sounds like she was really interested in you......i hope you get a second look in..heres another idea....

 

 

.most women if they get dropped home in a car will give a cheek kiss to say good bye......its not much of a move for a guy to bring that goodbye kiss to his lips ...first kiss done and dusted...no tongue.......get over that hurdle..never should be a monumnetal moment that everything depends on to move forward.............like the earth and stars are going to collide because you have to make it so jaw dropping she will never forget........its a simple first kiss thats all that needed.....and often that little kiss ...will hold a sweetness in simplicity ...jaw dropping can come later after much practice when you actually know how your lips, heads and nose mesh together...lol..most people get nervous about the first kiss..dont feel you are that different............and i hope you get that chance for a redo.............good luck ...deb

Edited March 8, 2017 by todreaminblue

[bluefeather]

I'm not too far out of an abusive relationship with a girl with Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

That might be the root of your issue. A few years of that will mess you up.

 

I'd say chalk this up as a lesson you learned the hard way and keep healing.

[hamsterhouse]

Thanks for the replies everybody. I'm not necessarily chalking it all up to the fact that I couldn't kiss her, but it's kind of a big action to reference. I think it's just the fact that I didn't show any sort of outward affection to her. Leading up to that final date she texted me twice that week, which up to that point she had not done, and from that it was glaringly obvious she was into me. Basically, after the first date is where I feel it fell apart for me, but she stuck it out for awhile.

 

The ex-Borderline girlfriend is likely an issue here, but I also didn't mention that my father passed away just after the New Year. I'm not looking for any sympathies, but based on the circumstances my feelings are very guarded at the moment. I wish that I could just level with her and send her a text saying, "Look, I'm definitely interested in you but based on XYZ circumstances my emotions are guarded at the moment so bare with me." That definitely would not go over well.

 

At this point the ball is in her court. I left the door open for her and I'm not chasing. If she wants to reach back out to me she will. My gut still tells me she will, but only time will tell. What has to happen ultimately is she needs to go out on a few days that don't go so well.....then think "well you know he was a pretty good guy." Blah blah.

 

But yeah, so long as she didn't delete my number she knows how to reach me. I'm not getting too hung up over the situation because again it was only five dates, but the reason it bothers me is because I couldn't just reach out and grasp what was in front of me. From the time we spent together I gather that she's the more traditional type, that being letting the man take control of the dates and the first moves. It doesn't surprise me that she didn't go in for the first kiss, but I'm just thinking back to when we were at the museum and she was pretty much standing into my body. She could've stood anywhere, it's a big place, but instead she had to brush right up against me. The experienced adult male in me says "dude.....act on this....." but the guarded individual says "back off, let her make the move."

 

So, who knows? Maybe she'll reach out, maybe she won't, but in the meantime I'm paying attention to what just happened to me. She may full well be NOT into me at all, so I shouldn't be egotistical. I'll just keep moving forward with my life.

[preraph]

Take some time to heal from your past relationship and be sure you understand what happened there and her mental issues and what they mean to the relationship. Then realize the next woman isn't the same woman once you have all that sorted out.