Tom1012 Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Hi all! New user here. I was recently in a relationship for about 3 months. Everything was going great with her. She would constantly be in contact with me, would spend the night at my house, took me to meet her closest friends, etc. Then one day, out of the blue she states shes 'overwhelmed' by our relationship and how quickly things have gone. She states she had just come out of a relationship of 2 years about 3 weeks before we started talking. She says she just realized she never gave herself enough time to get over her previous relationship, and 'jumped in too quickly' with me. She says she really enjoyed being with me, and that I treated her the way she's always wanted to be treated, but she needs time to herself. It's been about 2 weeks of no contact, and I haven't been able to move on. Every little thing I do, somehow reminds me of her and I desperately want to reach out to her, but I know I cant. The way we left off was that I am going to respect her space and not reach out to her. I told her, I'm not going to wait around for her, but when she feels she's ready for a relationship, and if I'm still available, I would be willing to give us another shot, and start over. She said nothing but glowing things about me and I know for a fact that I treated her the way she deserves, especially after being treated poorly in her previous relationship. Am I crazy for holding on to hope that eventually down the line, she realizes that what we had together was great? Or am I supposed to just forget the last 2 months we spent together, and how much she grew on me and just move on like it never happened? This uncertainty is a huge struggle I'm having. I haven't spoken to her and I'm hoping she misses me too, but I'll never know that. Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
JamesM Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 What I would say won't probably make you feel better, but unfortunately it is true. If it is meant to be, it will be. There are two possible reasons why she is "not ready for a relationship." One, she really isn't ready for any close relationship and had cold feet. This is why she broke it off. Being with you reminded her of what she had with her ex. So, she didn't think it was fair that she continued right now in a serious relationship. Two, she says she isn't ready, because she didn't think a relationship with you is what she wanted. Being treated like she always wanted doesn't mean she has that feeling of attraction for you. I dated the perfect wife for me at one time, but I never felt the spark of excitement and love for her. When I met my wife, I had it and still do. Sometimes it is not about how we are treated but about the connection. So, go back to my first comment. If it is meant to be, then she will be back when she feels ready for a relationship. If it is simply that she is not into you, then she won't. This does not mean you did anything wrong. She simply cannot control how she feels. As for your feelings, it simply takes time...or someone else. Breakups are never easy even if you are the one initiating it.
Author Tom1012 Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 What I would say won't probably make you feel better, but unfortunately it is true. If it is meant to be, it will be. There are two possible reasons why she is "not ready for a relationship." One, she really isn't ready for any close relationship and had cold feet. This is why she broke it off. Being with you reminded her of what she had with her ex. So, she didn't think it was fair that she continued right now in a serious relationship. Two, she says she isn't ready, because she didn't think a relationship with you is what she wanted. Being treated like she always wanted doesn't mean she has that feeling of attraction for you. I dated the perfect wife for me at one time, but I never felt the spark of excitement and love for her. When I met my wife, I had it and still do. Sometimes it is not about how we are treated but about the connection. So, go back to my first comment. If it is meant to be, then she will be back when she feels ready for a relationship. If it is simply that she is not into you, then she won't. This does not mean you did anything wrong. She simply cannot control how she feels. As for your feelings, it simply takes time...or someone else. Breakups are never easy even if you are the one initiating it. Hi James, Thank you for your response. I agree with your sentiment of 'if it's meant to be it will be' and that's what I've been hanging my hat on recently. She did mention to me that she did have feelings for me and as they continued to grow, she felt it was unfair to keep me around when she just doesn't think she was ready. She said she was constantly thinking about someone else before herself for 2 years in her previous relationship, and that she want to focus on herself for the first time in a while. Also, the break up was a bad one. She said I helped her feel better about herself and help her through her hard time, and it went too quickly and she realized she was jumping into another relationship too fast. What I'm struggling with is the not knowing part of if she actually wants to be with me down the line, or not. I know that's an impossible question to answer.
JamesM Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 What I'm struggling with is the not knowing part of if she actually wants to be with me down the line, or not. I know that's an impossible question to answer. Yes, it is. I do know that you make your self less attractive to her if you stay at home and pine for her even though that is what you feel like doing.
Author Tom1012 Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 Yes, it is. I do know that you make your self less attractive to her if you stay at home and pine for her even though that is what you feel like doing. I agree James, and I'm doing my best to still go out and enjoy time with friends. But on the night's I'm home alone, that's when I struggle the most and that's when I want to reach out the most. The helpless feeling is something I need to get over
JamesM Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I agree James, and I'm doing my best to still go out and enjoy time with friends. But on the night's I'm home alone, that's when I struggle the most and that's when I want to reach out the most. The helpless feeling is something I need to get over Sadly, it is a part of love, life and the reverse. Only time helps us heal quite often. I wish I had the magic pill for you, because I would be a millionaire many times over. But in my own life, I have found that focusing on other stuff helps. And if being alone makes it worse, then well, try not to be alone at this time in your life. I know. Sometimes you have to be. If you knew the future, then it may make it so much easier. Unfortunately we don't. Being optimistic certainly helps.
Author Tom1012 Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 Thanks again James. Optimism is all I have at this point. Trying to stay positive and keep my head up. But you would agree, I should NOT reach out to her anytime soon correct? I was thinking of sending her a quick text a few months down the line. Bad idea?
JamesM Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I don't think I would do it now. She broke it with you, so to me that indicates she should reach out to you. In a few months if you still love her as you do, then maybe a text to her letting her know you are here and thinking of her wouldn't be bad. Problem is that you will open up the wounds and will be dealing with the pain again. In a few months, you may have moved on more than you realize right now. Wait a few months to make that decision.
Author Tom1012 Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 You've been a big help today James. I appreciate your responses! 1
Ilovelifeforwhatcome Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Tread very carefully and if she does reach out to you, take it very slow. These types of break ups have no real closure and that's why its very hard to move on. This has happened to me w/2 guys (2nd time wasn't because of an ex) and that was really a blow to my self esteem. What I have gathered when someone says they aren't ready for a relationship, means that they don't want it specifically w/you. Even if she does come back, you can't trust that she won't leave you again because something that comes up in life. It never makes sense to me, if your partner is amazing, why leave them? IMO its a cop out and nothing more.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I agree with James - if she comes back it will need to be on her own accord. Don't reach out to her, at least not for a good while. Also, make sure enough time passes so you can be sure her ex didn't come back on the scene. It happens too often, even when the relationship wasn't great.
Author Tom1012 Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 (edited) Thank you for your response Ilovelifeforwhatcome. I have heard that sentiment before. Maybe I'm being naive, but I take her for her word when she really says, she's just not ready at this time and it's not specifically because of me. You are absolutely right in saying there's no real closure, because as you stated, why leave if you really enjoy someones company? But also, I don't want to be used as a rebound and just have her keep me around even longer, while she knows she's not fully invested. Her actions and words while we were together lead me to believe she really enjoyed being with me, but now just isn't the time. Edited March 7, 2017 by Tom1012
Author Tom1012 Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 I agree with James - if she comes back it will need to be on her own accord. Don't reach out to her, at least not for a good while. Also, make sure enough time passes so you can be sure her ex didn't come back on the scene. It happens too often, even when the relationship wasn't great. Thank you. I agree with that as well. I will leave it alone for a while, and then see how I can reach out to her a while down the line. As for her ex, she mentioned to me she had to block his number and that that break up was a bad one. So I'm not thinking her ex will be coming back, but it's always a possibility.
SevenCity Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Thank you. I agree with that as well. I will leave it alone for a while, and then see how I can reach out to her a while down the line. As for her ex, she mentioned to me she had to block his number and that that break up was a bad one. So I'm not thinking her ex will be coming back, but it's always a possibility. Don't reach out to her ever again. If she wants you back she will let you know. A 3 month RL will be easy to get over. In a year you probably won't even think about it. Get a girl who wants you. They are out there.
rester Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Am I crazy for holding on to hope that eventually down the line, she realizes that what we had together was great? Or am I supposed to just forget the last 2 months we spent together, and how much she grew on me and just move on like it never happened? This uncertainty is a huge struggle I'm having. I haven't spoken to her and I'm hoping she misses me too, but I'll never know that. Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! I won't call you are crazy but if you keep hoping that she will eventually come back, you are going to delay your coping process. I suggest convincing yourself that she is gone and always will be. The timing wasn't right and you will both find someone else down the line. That may be hard to accept but the chances of you both getting together a few months from now are slim. From my perspective there is not much uncertainty here but I understand that that may be hard to accept.
spiderowl Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 I'm sorry to hear how it went. It would not have ended if she had wanted to continue the relationship. She recognises you are a great guy but does not feel you are the one for her. It is always possible she might change her mind some way down the line, but I would not bank on it. The best thing you can do is to go no contact and, when you feel more able to, move on. She would be with you now if she wanted to be, that's the sad truth.
mgkuro Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 Tom, I had to sign up to this website when I saw your post. Like you, I recently went through a breakup with the reason being that she was cannot be in a committed relationship. She said she still has feeling for me but cannot be committed to someone and be able to improve herself. Just like your ex, her reasoning is that she has never been truly single and does know how it feel to be independent. Oh man, I know exactly how you feel. However, I came to the conclusion that you cannot force anyone to be with you. Whatever reason(s) anyone ever gives you, it always come back to one thing; if they truly wants to be with you nothing will stop it. The breakup was simple, your ex and mine simply do not want to be in a relationship with us. We have to move on and live life. We WILL find someone that will truly wants to be with us! As hard as it sound,this is the perfect time to go out there and do things and improve yourself. My breakup has rejuvenated me! I have never been more confident and more alive. I am eating better, dressing better and have started to do many things that I have always wanted to do but was afraid to. The relationship with my ex was an important milestone in my life. Although it caused me temporary heartache, it also brings out the my adventurous side; a side that I have been suppressed for far too long. Within the first week of my breakup, I have meet new people and have done many new activities. I no longer have any urges to reconcile with my ex. 1
fromheart Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 When you say, 'The way we left off was that I was going to respect her space,' whose decision was that?
Miss Spider Posted March 13, 2017 Posted March 13, 2017 Gosh this was scary to read. Sorry you're hurting . I can vouch as a woman she may be telling 100% truth. She may still be in love with her ex. Some people can't attach themselves to more than one person. And attachments, as we all know, don't often end with breakups. She's probably idealized him at this point so no matter how great you are, you'll never dethrone him at this point.she has to work these issues out on her own. Why you shouldn't wait around: 1. It may take her years to get over it..seriously...and by then, she will have probably dated others. At one point during that time she will be ready and she'll fall for someone, but the odds of that being you are small. That will crush you and you'll feel played (even if you weren't) if you wait around and this happens. 2. High likihood picked you consciously or subconsciously knowing that she wasn't looking for anything serious, and you would be a temporary distraction.. . You may be wonderful, but have as a 'fatal flaw' or she just doesn't click with you anymore than necessary to be a diversion. Wait around for someone is not a good idea
hunk Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 You were definitely a distraction from her ex who she is still in love with/has feelings for. A rebound. You did nothing wrong and you can't be blamed for anything - except next time, never date a girl who has come out of a serious long term relationship within less than 6 months, especially if she was dumped. If she was the one dumped, I'd say even less than a year is too soon. You won't care about this in a few months. I promise. Realize you were just a rebound and her head and heart were always with the other guy, it's human nature to try and replace someone who hurt us with someone new as quick as possible to try and numb the pain. She wasn't hurting you on purpose, she just wanted something to take her mind off her ex. Find someone who'll become obsessed with you and only you, there's millions of them out there.
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