anzhoulau Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Hi all, this is my first time to open a thread so please bear with me if the post is lengthy. I am quite frustrated with what I am going through now and need some advice from you all. Thanks in advance. I have been dating this guy that I knew on OLD for 4 months now (btw I’m a guy too if that matters). Overall speaking things went on well, we meet up once or twice per week usually including one night sleep over, went on a trip together over last Xmas. We became exclusive after one month of dating (I brought it up) and we text each other every day. We never had a conversation about “committed relationship” or “being bf-bf”. I assumed that after the exclusivity talk. But as I read through LS posts, I found some people view “exclusivity” and “gf/bf relationship” as two different stages. So it started to bother me when some of his actions made me doubt if he wants a committed relationship with me or he is pulling back. 1. When we started dating, he took initiatives and made plans. Now I become the one who asks if he wants to meet up for dinner or if he wants to do xxx during the weekend. I am the one who travels to his place if we are spending the night together. When I invite him over, he doesn’t wanna travel bcuz it’s far (we live one hour from each other). I have the feeling that he’s making less effort and sometimes my feelings/opinions are less important than his. 2. The Saturday before last we were at his place and his parents came up to bring him some letters. He DID NOT introduce us, it was really awkward. I said hello to his parents first but there was silence after. His parents left 5 mins later, I guess they felt awkward too. Later I asked him why he didn’t introduce us and who his parents would think I am he said “they know who you would be anyway”. He used to bring his ex home to have dinner with his family. It does not bother me if he does not invite me over to any family event given it’s been only 4 months, but meeting his parents in unexpected occasion and not getting introduced would make me upset (should I be?). The only reason I can think of is that he does not think I have the bf label so there is no need to introduce me. 3. We agreed to delete the OLD apps after the exclusivity talk. When I went abroad for a trip last month, a friend told me that he “may” have seen my “bf” on one of the apps (my “bf” was not showing a clear pic but I am sure that’s him after my fd sent me the screenshot). I didn’t pay much attention to it at then. But on the same Sat as above when we were watching TV, he received whatsapp messages and he turned down the brightness of the screen before replying, obviously there’s something he didn’t want me to see. I suddenly had the idea that he might be talking to someone else and keeping his option open. But I doubt he’s dating anyone else as I basically know who he is with when he goes out (unless he lies). And I don’t want to assume he is cheating or lying bcuz in the past he has been badly cheated on and he won’t turn himself to a cheater. I really like this guy. He is caring and sweet most of the time and I see a potential for a long term relationship in us (which can be difficult for gay ppl). He says he likes/misses me from time to time and he replies my good night messages (per my request. I know it’s meaningless but that’s just something from which I can assure that he cares about me). But I’m feeling more and more anxious and insecure especially for point 2 and 3 above. I used to have insecurity issues so I am trying my best not to act needy and clingy. I don’t want to push him to make moves cuz I don’t want him to see me as demanding. I think I take initiatives and carry the weight myself just because I’m fearful of the outcome if I don’t do so. I am thinking of having an official talk with him on where we are and where we are heading but I am not sure whether it would be bit soon by 4 months mark, he expressed casually before that he would like us to take it slow. I know actions speak louder than words but I would feel much less anxious if I have the bf label. What do you guys think?
kendahke Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 (edited) You're giving him too many passes. 1. When was the last time he drove to your place and hung out with you? Why are you always going to his place? You're not giving him a chance to show who he is or what he is about because you keep jumping into the silence instead of waiting and seeing if he will arse himself to take some initiative with you. He doesn't have to break a sweat because he knows you need him as a boyfriend more than you need reciprocity or respect. 2. What if you were one of his boys? He could have easily turned around and say "this is Anzhoulau. Anzhoulau, these are my parents" if he's that skittish about labels. Obviously, if you're cool enough to him to be sitting in his living room when the folks drop by, you're a friend. 3. Just because he's been cheated on doesn't mean that he won't engage in inappropriate behavior. You need to slow your roll in a big way. At 4 months you may be putting the cart before the horse with him, especially when he has got you doing all of the driving to see him and he doesn't come see you; he doesn't have the social grace to introduce you to his parents; he's chatting up someone on whatsapp and being sketch about it. Edited March 7, 2017 by kendahke
Author anzhoulau Posted March 8, 2017 Author Posted March 8, 2017 You're giving him too many passes. 1. When was the last time he drove to your place and hung out with you? Why are you always going to his place? You're not giving him a chance to show who he is or what he is about because you keep jumping into the silence instead of waiting and seeing if he will arse himself to take some initiative with you. He doesn't have to break a sweat because he knows you need him as a boyfriend more than you need reciprocity or respect. 2. What if you were one of his boys? He could have easily turned around and say "this is Anzhoulau. Anzhoulau, these are my parents" if he's that skittish about labels. Obviously, if you're cool enough to him to be sitting in his living room when the folks drop by, you're a friend. 3. Just because he's been cheated on doesn't mean that he won't engage in inappropriate behavior. You need to slow your roll in a big way. At 4 months you may be putting the cart before the horse with him, especially when he has got you doing all of the driving to see him and he doesn't come see you; he doesn't have the social grace to introduce you to his parents; he's chatting up someone on whatsapp and being sketch about it. Thanks kendahke, really appreciated your reply. We always find a place in between to hang out, and if it's weekend we go to his place and spend the following day together. The last time he came over was last Dec when I needed to take my grad photos for my master degree and my university was close to my place. I have been cheated on before so I will not do anything disrespectful to someone I am exclusive with. Well, ppl are different. I doubt he's cheating as he tells me where he's going and send photos or selfies. Chatting up with someone else is big red flag to me anyway. I guess you are right, he's probably just taking it for granted and I need to back off.
Author anzhoulau Posted March 8, 2017 Author Posted March 8, 2017 I am seeing him on Sat, do you think I should bring things to the table or I just wait and see if he take moves for some time?
bluefeather Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 It doesn't seem like he takes the relationship as seriously as you do. And it's worse because you live an hour away.
Author anzhoulau Posted March 8, 2017 Author Posted March 8, 2017 It doesn't seem like he takes the relationship as seriously as you do. And it's worse because you live an hour away. One hour travel time is quite normal in our city and our work places are only 15min away, so traveling is not an issue stopping us meeting. Rather it's an excuse for him. Ya I'm clearly the one who's more emotionally involved. I'll pull myself back and if he won't make more efforts, I'll put an end to it for my own good.
Popsicle Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Have the talk and then he'll make tons of excuses and throw a couple of lies in there too. The talk won't make him act better, unfortunaetly, but it will set the stage for you to break up with him later. Then continue to see him for however long you need to to get him out of your system but not more than a year total, then dump his azz and never speak to him again.
salparadise Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Ya I'm clearly the one who's more emotionally involved. I'll pull myself back and if he won't make more efforts, I'll put an end to it for my own good. There is a lot to be said for communicating feelings honestly and openly. There is dignity in that too, when done at an appropriate time and manner. Playing the hot-cold, push-pull stuff is much less effective, and less satisfying. You want to know if this guy is relationship oriented or not, and I don't see a thing wrong with broaching that topic if you sense that the timing is right. You might not get the answer you're hoping for, but it sounds like you're ready to accept either, and it will move you past this limbo stage allowing you to move forward one way or another. Good luck to you.
kendahke Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 I am seeing him on Sat, do you think I should bring things to the table or I just wait and see if he take moves for some time? That depends upon how badly you want to know the truth of where he stands. If you are seeing him Saturday, you might as well put this out on the table. It's far better than torturing yourself with speculation.
olivetree Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 I would not broach the relationship topic. To me that says that you are happy with the way he is treating you / how things are going and you clearly aren't. I would pull back, and if he doesn't step up, then I would end it. When things are good, decide if you want to be committed at that time.
Author anzhoulau Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 I would not broach the relationship topic. To me that says that you are happy with the way he is treating you / how things are going and you clearly aren't. I would pull back, and if he doesn't step up, then I would end it. When things are good, decide if you want to be committed at that time. Broaching the topic does not mean I am happy with how I'm being treated and I will allow him to treat me so even if he says he wants a serious relationship with me. I will still bring things I mentioned in the subject to the table and see how he reacts. If he keeps making excuses or filling me up with "you are just over thinking" bla bla bla I will not buy it. I would rather think he's emotionally unavailable or fearful for commitment. But I will still sit back and see for some time even he can explain himself and give "good" answers. I would definitely dump him if he shows no more efforts. I am not fearful for breaking up with him. If we are not at the same page I will quit for sure. It will hurt but I'm a grown up and I know I will be fine after some time. I just hate standing in limbo.
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