LostInLov Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Ok this feels awkward but I'm hopong if nothing else typing this out will be therapitic for me. So here it goes. I have a girl that when things first started between us, there was nothing more than a physical attraction there for me. I made my intentions known from the start and she was ok with it, at first. This went on for a good 8-9 months until she started to make it known she wanted more. I told her I still did not because at that time I did not. There is an 8 year age gap and she just didn't seem like someone who could handle what I thought I wanted. We agreed to stop what we were doing and after she decided she could be just friends we tried that. Well sure enough we went back to sleeping together and she again brought things up. I again said no. A few weeks went by and I started to feel differently. I started to realize that I did have feelings for her and I did want to date her. So we put a label on it and it lasted a couple of weeks before we had a big blow up fight and I decided I was done. This was all over the course of about 13 months. There was still some unresolved things there for both of us and we both were able to tell people it wasn't that we weren't right for each other but that the timing was just off. So I will admit I was an ******* in the whole exchange all the way through the big fight. What made it even worse was I started dating someone else a month later. I was awful and I cut all ties with her. Well that new relationship lasted a few months and I decided it wasn't for me and I felt myself really missing the other girl. I ended up reaching out to her and she was surprisingly happy to hear from me and talk to me. We started hanging out again and this time it was much different for me, but unfortunately for her too. The roles were now reversed and she was in a place where she didn't want a relationship any more and I was in a position where she was all I could think about and wanted to be with. Over the next month and a half things seemed to go almost all the way back to where they were except she stayed to her guns that she did not want to make a relationship a priority. I kept telling her I was ok with that and I really truly believe I was. Until one drunken night... We were both out with friends after having a great night together the night before. I knew going into the night she wanted to just be with friends but I still couldn't help myself after a few drinks. As my friends and I went to leave, I ended up drunkenly asking if I could stay out with her. She said no. I told her I just wanted her to know I cared about her. She said go home. I asked for a kiss. She said no go home. So I turned around and left the bar and went home. I immediately knew I messed up and messed up bad. I just knew based on how she reacted that it wasn't about what I said it was how everything happened. I knew she had taken it the wrong way and that it came off as if I couldn't respect her wishes to just do her own thing, the one thing she had repeatedly told me she wanted to do. I tore myself up for two days agonizing over what to do and fretting about never hearing from her ever again. I finally decided to call and just apologize for it. She didn't answer but got back to me saying she would touch base the next day. I anxiously awaited what was going to come from that conversation and it was inevitably the worst thing I could imagine. I again apologized for my actions and told her how much I knew I messed up and how much I hated myself for doing so. And after a few exchanges we agreed to remain friends but with her having the comment "I doubt our paths will ever even cross". I told her she didn't know that and pretty sure she had said that to herself 6 months ago when things ended before. I know theres nothing more for me to do for a while besides let her be her and do her own thing since that's clear what she does want. But there has to be a way I can convey to her that I can be ok with that but still want a chance when she's ready. She said she doesn't think she will be ready for a few years, and while it's easy to think about waiting while its fresh, I feel like I could wait like that for her. I just don't know she knows that or will ever know that. The last thing I want to do is push her further away so after some time, how do I get the message to her that I'm not going anywhere for a long time and to still let me know if her mind ever changes? The thought of losing her again terrifies the hell out of me. I just can't let that happen. There's just so much unfinished business and we both think we have the ability to be great together, the timing is just off. Maybe she does just need some more time to cool off from the whole thing? It just doesn't feel like it's done (and I'm usually the most pessimistic person in these situations).
elaine567 Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Essentially you used her as a FWB, and broke her heart in the process. She probably spent months in agony over you and now she is in a better place you want her back. People come on here a lot wanting second chances with people they have treated badly in the past. Life tends not to work like that. Once bitten twice shy, and people during the grieving process start seeing just how badly they were treated and realise they definitely do NOT want to go back there. She has said she is done with you. Accept that and move on. 2
Author LostInLov Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 She has not. Shes just young and wants to be doing her own thing. Which i not only get but know I can respect better than I did on one drunken occasion.
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