I have major trust issues! How to recover?

[vanhalenfan]

My fiance had a short emotional affair over a year ago. Nothing came of it; he ended it on his own very quickly (within weeks) when she wanted to escalate it to a PA and just be together. This was an ex-girlfriend of 20 years ago, by the way. We were going through a very difficult time at the time and almost at the verge of a breakup, but he made the decision to stay on his own.

 

Anyway, I found this out by snooping a year later. The reason I snooped was I had unfounded suspicions of something else going on which turned out to be false.

 

However....

 

Since then (it's been months now), I have developed a paranoid disposition and have been untrusting of him. I have been periodically snooping and having a very hard time repairing the trust broken from the EA. I've become dependent on knowing what's going on all the time in his life, especially when it comes to other women...business contacts, old friends (doesn't have many female friends), etc. If he is conversing with females in any way, I must see the details...Texts, emails to and from clients, whatever. It has become almost addicting and so unhealthy and I can't stop. There isn't anything incriminating at all. However since he had that EA, I always think something will develop along the way so I want to catch it beforehand so I am not made a fool of again.

 

As you can imagine...This has caused many issues. I have questioned him irrationally, have become very jealous and insecure, made him feel like I am watching him all the time. He feels suffocated, yet, I can't stop I have tried. And tried. And tried.

 

Yesterday, a woman he knows from the NA program (Narcotics Anonymous) reached out to him with some issues as my fiance is a web servant for the area we live in. She has been coming to this area lately, but she runs another area and there has been issues with their web servant there and she had questions for my fiance. A whole investigation has opened and she needs some info. They aren't "friends" per se, but they see each other at meetings from time to time. (He has a lot of friends from the program over the 11 years he's been in it.) Anyway, she called him at like 11pm last night...He spoke to her right in front of me, all was well. I was trying to keep my cool and just let it be, but then she kept texting him until like 1am...mostly business info (documents she wanted him to review) but it was annoying me anyway, and I showed it. But he was agreeing so he made sure to end the conversation.

 

(FYI, this woman is recently engaged with 3 kids - 1 is hers and 2 are from her fiance and they seem happy judging by Facebook...lol)

 

Today, I could hear he was receiving a lot of notifications, so my insecurity got the best of me and I decided to look into it to see if it was her. (There was one text asking a question about the documents.) But he caught me red-handed with the phone in my hand! First time I was ever caught. It was humiliating and I had to confess to what I was up to. He was angry and hurt that I can't seem to trust him and I explained I am having a hard time since the EA and I am working on it, but I still have my "moments" that I can't seem to shake.

 

He doesn't empathize with me when it comes to snooping. He HATES it and does not tolerate it, especially unfounded. So, he says I will have to trust him..or leave him...snooping is not an option.

 

For the record, all the time I was snooping, I've never really seen anything. He's been "clean". I've been on his phone, FB, all social media, email...And we both work from home from a small townhouse so we are always together. He really is clean. But like I said, for some reason I am not healing from the EA and this has become an obsession/addiction to have to see what he's up to on the phone/FB/etc. all the time. How can I shake this? I don't want to do this anymore. I HATE IT. I hate the feeling I get from it, I hate feeling paranoid over innocent interactions with the opposite sex.

Edited March 6, 2017 by vanhalenfan

[todreaminblue]

hey van, sorry you feel this way,because it is from what you have written taking a toll on your relationships....it will eventually if you continue to distrust him kill your relationship...i often suggest a rubber band therapy for obsessive thoughts so you can break the chain the cyclic nature of obsession...

 

it works for me.....you put a thick rubber band around your wrist tight.... but not tight enough to leave marks or cut off circulation that is why thick rubber bands are the best.....and snap it hard when you have obsessive thoughts and break that cycle...because it hurts .....and it needs to hurt......it signifies how damaging obsessive thoughts are....the inside of your wrist is actually really sensitive.and you need to feel the sting..the damage that you are doing by having these obsessive thoughts is far worse than the sting you feel on your wrist....

 

i would also suggest counselling you havent healed or moved on from the ea and you need to.....you have stated that his communications have all been above board.....i would also suggest writing down all those bad thoughts when you have them and replacing them in your head with good thoughts and good things you bf has done for you or for the relationship...this was one thing he did that wasnt good, think of the good things more often than the bad ...write them down too but keep them in your head as battle thoughts.....when you write them out ....write on repeat....repeat the good...and write new good things that happen as well.......it sucks that when you are in a relationship someone does the wrong thing yet it is you who is affected more......the one who has to deal with the fall out.....which is distrust.....your bf also has to understand how much damage he did...maybe counselling couples counselling would also be beneficial..he has to accept responsibility for his part in your distrust of him what you are both going through is what happens when deceit and cheating come into play..that is fact...........and if he doesnt...he is the one who also needs to seek help.....i wish you well.....and good luck..

 

 

ps.......when i wrote this post there were no replies...if you supply further information and it takes me a while to get back to you it is because i am under moderation/supervision....but i am reading your posts with interest and hope i can help you...as i have ocd tendencies.....and have done a fair amount of therapy and have some strategies to share.....and i still mess up.......it was my ocd tendencies ...that led me to be moderated/supervised posts on here in the first place....so hang in there.....we all make mistakes..if you accept responsibility for your part in them......they can be fixed.........deb

[Merrylegs]

I think that the fact he had an emotional affair with an ex makes this slightly different from having one with just some woman he just met.

By revisiting a past relationship he has undermined his current relationship with you.

He already knew her and how they had previously been in each others company and chose to experience this again.

I do not mean that he prefers that to his relationship with you, that relationship is over and you both got that sorted.

But it can dent your confidence in the relationship more because of the feeling that he went back to something that came before you did. Something they shared previously that seems worth going back to.

This may be why you are having a particularly hard time putting this behind you.

Perhaps it's that it was an ex that makes you feel helpless in being able to trust him again.

[Mr. Lucky]

I HATE IT. I hate the feeling I get from it, I hate feeling paranoid over innocent interactions with the opposite sex.

 

Do you think the risks inherent in his sobriety add to the anxiety you feel?

 

Mr. Lucky