understand50 Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 bharrison, I think this book will help you, and your husband. I included the free PDF link: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_T...FINAL_pdf-.pdf I also would suggest, that you really have not shown remorse for the cheating all those years ago. Here is a link that discusses remorse, and may help you. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609550-guilt-vs-remorse-vs-shame-relates-affairs. Point is, if you want to change his behavior, that only thing you can do is change yourself, and I would suggest you start by looking at yourself and then your marriage, and try and see where you have caused pain and hurt to your husband. In is apparent that the bounds between you are not strong, and for them to get better, you are going to have to start doing the work. MC is not the panacea it is made out to be. In your case, I think you need to start by DIY, until he has faith that things will change. There are many couples here that were able to reconcile with out it. You also must realize that is what you are doing is trying to reconcile. You are together, but are missing the other parts, you must learn what they are for you and him and then both of you work towards it. I wish you luck.... 1
mikeylo Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I'm with those who are saying that your cheating was not dealt properly. The way you are so casual about it, I guess , you got a free pass under hormones but he was no fool.He waited till the child was older and sucked up till then. I'm sure he has stacked up his finances and is ready to bow out.
Cephalopod Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I am not convinced that there is anything sinister about his reluctance to move back into the bedroom to a wife that: 1. has cheated on him with her ex 2. accused him of cheating 3. asked him to leave the marital bed / room during an argument only to try to gain the upper hand. 4. when she's cooled off, changes her mind and tells him to come back. I also don't see it strange that a man who it seems isn't valued at home to begin to work out and when the results begin to show, wants to dress in clothes that allow someone else to notice his efforts.....since their not noticed at home apparently. I am wondering about what redeeming values there are to him to move back into the marital bedroom...closer and easier to be accused of cheating again? There's a lot of scarring in this marriage, much work if it is to be recovered....even if only for the child. I agree totally. It sounds to me like he is simply tired of her crap. She cheats on him, they essentially sweep her affair under the rug, and nine years later he has allowed the resentment to build up to the point of probably having a midlife crisis. The evidence against him having an affair is weak. She will need more than what she has to accuse him of cheating. Sounds to me like he is prepping to leave the marriage and is just biding his time.
JamesM Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 (edited) Sometimes when I read a post, I have a complete post formulated with advice. This time I read the responses to your thread and by the time I reached the end, I realized that everything I was going to say was said. But I will still make a few comments. You asked what is going on here. Here are some possible options: One, IMO, it is possible he is cheating. But if not, then he is preparing to cheat. Two, he never forgave you, and he certainly never forgot. Three, not having evidence on his phone means nothing. Have you ever heard of a burner phone? That would be a second phone with prepaid minutes used specifically for his "cheating." Four, he may be cheating but that doesn't mean he is with any one woman. That means he won't show the "in love" attitude that men get when they are in a fog. However, he certainly could be seeing more than one either with escorts, streetwalkers, or something similar. Not saying he is. But if he is doing it right, then his activities will be done during his work time or his usual times out. All it takes is an hour or even a half hour of time away. It would be all about sex. Five, he is going through a mid-life crisis early. What I know for certain is that life is not normal anymore for him. You kicked him out of bed, so he decided that this is an opportunity to be "single while married." Now for the sake of argument, what if he was doing all of that for you originally? What if he was dressing differently and getting new hair styles for you? And not only did you ignore it, but you figured he was cheating. Unless I missed it, you didn't say how your sex life was prior to you kicking him out. Yes, it can happen. I did it as a way to entice my wife. No, it didn't work, but no, she didn't kick me out of our bedroom either. It is a common piece of advice given to husbands whose wives no longer want sex. Dress better, be the man she used to love, etc. I was given that advice here too. So, one way or another, you will need to win him back. Edited March 7, 2017 by JamesM
hippychick3 Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Most men (and women too) are unable to ever completely get over their partners cheating on them. That pain cuts way too deep. Without good and intensive counseling with both parties invested in the counseling, the relationship has little to no chance of lasting (happily). You didn't have this. You take no responsibility for the cheating (blaming pregnancy hormones...umm okay). And your husband wasn't invested in the counseling. Your current problems were inevitable. My bf and I had a serious conversation once about cheating. If he cheated, it would be an immediate deal breaker for me. No second chances. He knew that. However, if I cheated on him (which I would never do), he said that he would probably forgive me after getting over his immediate anger. He would not break up with me. However, it would always be in the back of his mind that I cheated. And if the opportunity ever presented itself for him to cheat even years down the road, he would probably take it. He'd have a feeling deep down inside of "getting even." I think, OP, that your husband is doing just that.
lolablue17 Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 I agree with everybody that the cheating issue was never solved. But there's another thing... You asked him to leave his bed, and now you want him back in the bedroom, as if he is your dog. Well, My If I'm surprised of something it's why did he agree to leave the bedroom in the first place. If my wife would have asked me that, I would have answered "You're welcome to move to the guest room yourself." It seems to me that you are the princess in your marriage. You chose the councelor that was good for you back then, even when he needed help more than you... You decided when it should be buried, you had forgiven yourself (good for you)... you think you have the right to kick him out of his bedroom, and the right to tell him to come back, everything is about you. Now you learn your lesson about your limits. You can't control people, and if you do. that's what you get in the end. Nothing will change until you realize that and are willing to change a great deal. If your husband will notice a big change, he might change too... But right now you're trying to change only him. It won't work. 5
sandylee1 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Just because he stayed doesn't mean he forgave and he certainly didn't forget. You used your own cheating experience to accuse him of the same. As others said, he stayed because you were pregnant. He probably questioned the paternity and did a secret DNA test once the baby was born. If it wasn't revealed to be his he'd be long gone. The child is his reason for not divorcing you. If he wasn't already cheating, he was getting himself ready to be in the best condition to attract a new partner when the time was right. There was a thread last year or so, where a husband left 8 years after the wife's affair and he said if they didn't have a child, he would have left then. Cheating so early in marriage seems even more hard to wrap your head around. That's the honeymoon phase and you don't sound so remorseful. Don't be blindsided if /when you're served with divorce papers. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 Seems as though the OP wanted to be told she was right, he is wrong and the past doesn't matter. Too bad it doesn't work that way... Mr. Lucky 2
oldshirt Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 We got into a big argument and I accused him of cheating on me. .. What was the big arguement about and how did it lead into you accusing him of cheating?
Try Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 If thats the case, why did he forgive me for it? I would have thought that meant it reconciled it and moved forward. To bring it up around 9 years later seem strange. I was in the wrong, he knows that and I haven't dodged it. Why go to MC for 6 months then and go through all the motions - hard to believe 9 years later he just decides he's tired of the act. He did not really forgive you. You were pregnant with his child, so he felt stuck and did what he had to do for the best interest of the child. As your child gets older, he will feel less and less stuck.
Redhead14 Posted March 8, 2017 Posted March 8, 2017 I'd like to get any advice if I could - I'll try to give the details without getting too long winded (I hope). Been married to my husband now for nearly 10 years - the first year and now this year have been the only problematic times that I can recall - other than that, we generally communicate well, enjoy each others company and don't really argue all that much. Now, during the first 3 months of our marriage, I cheated - I was pregnant and hormonal and confused and not entirely over my previous husband I suppose. My current husband figured out pretty fast that something was up - said I wasn't being very communicative, wouldn't answer my phone when I was out of town on business, etc. The truth of the matter was my ex husband met up with me when I was out of town and stayed at the hotel with me - I was about 5 months pregnant at the time. I admitted to my husband and came clean, we went to a MC for about 6 months. My husband thought that MC was a joke - his perspective was that the counselor was making excuses for me and trying to justify pregnancy hormones as a reason. Although I cheated, he did not. About a month ago, I noticed he decided to start exercising more, saw him spending more money on professional haircuts, new clothes, new hair style and I guess it got me concerned. We got into a big argument and I accused him of cheating on me. He decided to bring up the past - which I thought he forgave me for and I suggested we go to MC. He refused saying it was a joke. I then asked him to get his stuff and go into the upstairs guest room. He's been in the guest room for almost an entire month, I've asked him to come back to the master bedroom and he makes excuses or just simply says no. When he was at work I decided to go into the guest room and noticed: a small mini fridge - soft drinks and some small food items some workout equipment more attire thats not his normal attire (more fitted clothes, not the baggy look he used to wear) Last night, he indicated he enjoys his alone time and enjoys the guest room and plans to remain there and that all married couples do not share a bed. No idea whats gotten into him, I don't suspect he is cheating, his phone code is t the same as it was, nothing odd in his phone, no odd calls, or odd hours of going out. Whats going on here... YOU cheated on him and HE FORGAVE you. You accused him of cheating and you threw him out of your marriage bed. He is now finding that he is perfectly content not to be in that bed and appears to be setting up an apartment for himself. You reap what you sow . . . you've got a housemate instead of a husband. 1
oldshirt Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I believe he is writing you out of his life. You just accelerated the process when you threw him out of your beadroom. ^^^^^^^^^^^^ Sometimes the simplest answer is most often the most correct. Sure, he could have some kind of seething, deep-rooted resentment that was never fully healed and now 9 years later it has festered over into an affair of his own.... it could happen I s'pose. But lots of couples and lots of relationships crumble at the 10 year mark. It could be that they reconciled from the A and things healed over as best they could and life went on for 8 more years and now he is simply losing interest and connection and was starting to look down the road anyway and now that she popped a cog and tossed him out of the bedroom it has simply sped up the process of him disengaging and moving on a little. Maybe he's just chill'n and making his bed in the guest room whilst preparing the paperwork and preparations to move out and divorce for good. Or maybe he's just digging having the bed to himself and having some peace and quiet and waiting for her to chill out.
oldshirt Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 If thats the case, why did he forgive me for it? I would have thought that meant it reconciled it and moved forward. To bring it up around 9 years later seem strange. I was in the wrong, he knows that and I haven't dodged it. Why go to MC for 6 months then and go through all the motions - hard to believe 9 years later he just decides he's tired of the act. As I stated in my previous post, lots of couples and marriages tank at the 10 year mark, even if there hasn't been any prior infidelity. Your previous affair may or may not have any bearing on the current situation at all.
oldshirt Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I have the feeling that the OP didn't like what she was hearing and has flown the coop. I do hope she does come back and addresses some of the questions that have been asked though. I can't help feeling that she may be a bit impetuous and have some impulse control problems. Unless there is more to the story, it just seems like a little out of control behavior to spend a weekend with an ex husband in a hotel room while 5 months pregnant and then to jump to the conclusion of infidelity because her husband has been dressing better and taking better care of himself and then kick him out of the bedroom during an argument (which they don't argue "much") He may simply be enjoying the peace and quiet.
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