Bumming myself out...

[HanGoesSolo]

So our marriage is as good as any other fairly healthy marriage I suppose. Of course we've had issues in the past and worked our way through them. We started dating almost 17 years ago, been married for over ten years now. We have two kids 7&8.

 

So the issue I'm having is she is back in school again, and of course she is still working and we have two kids. So obviously she is very busy. Understandable I would be seeing less of her while she finishes her masters. The issue is the last time she went back to school I was put on the back burner hard. Like she knew I would still be there so I was neglected. Her words btw. We had a fight a few years ago where she admitted to putting me on the back burner and neglecting me. But we also discussed how I didn't do myself any favors by my behavior in this time. That I basically made it easier for her to do this by being just down about things instead of stepping up and doing more to make it easier on her and take stuff off of her plate.

 

So anyway I always complained we didn't spend enough time together. Even after school, this is an area where maybe I have an issue. But I want to spend time with her and that doesn't mean just sitting around at home. I want to go do things with her. Experience things with her. So we set up Friday date nights. Every Friday, her parents would take the kids for the night and we had times to ourselves. Well that went well for a couple weeks, then it turned into us sitting at home by ourselves. If we're just going to sit around I would rather just have the kids home. Seems like date night went away pretty quick.

 

Now her brother had a kid so her mom has been staying with them. I've been dateless for a couple months now and it's getting to me. Not to mention she is back in school again now and has even less time. So I'm trying more to help out. Even before when she was in school, I took up all the housework outside of laundry. But I literally did everything else around the house. Also my days off were set so I could run the kids to their after school stuff. Basically my days off from work were to clean and run the kids around. Not complaining, she had no time off either between work and school.

 

Well now we are going back to that place again. I'm trying to do even more. Give her nights off without having to worry about anything. Getting back to the full time housekeeper. I need to rework my schedule so I can do more running the kids around to their activities. This time I'm determined to do more and take more off her plate and no complaints. Make extra time for her to just do whatever she wants. Have a night off. Being dateless sucks. I don't know how people get married and just blah their way through life and don't want to go out with their spouses anymore.

 

Maybe I'm projecting our past into our current situation. I'm afraid I'll be placed on the back burner again to sit and wait for her attention again. I'm trying to stay positive and do things differently this time. But I'm having a hard time with it already. Like I said, being dateless sucks balls. I don't understand those couples who just throw that part of their life away when they get married. It doesn't compute for me. I don't think I'm being needy, once a week, once every two weeks, dinner and a movie or dinner and a night cap at a bar. Go to a sporting event, anything. I just want to spend time with her. It's understandable her parents are now preoccupied with the new baby. It's understandable she will have to dedicate herself more to her school then me right now. I don't really need much, but I need something!

 

So please, any words of advice. I want to make her life as easy as I can for her. She is a very hard worker and her profession is an admirable one, helping those with impairments, teaching blind kids. She is an amazing person. She thinks of me first in a lot of situations, she shows her love. But the sex died off before. The date nights were non existent. I fear we are heading back to that again. So my plan now is if she ever feels frustrated or bogged down with work, I'll make her take a break, get some time to herself. I'm trying to be more supportive and no complaints from me. Because that doesn't work, complaining never got me anything.

 

I guess I'm worried that the resentment will creep back in. I did a lot to try and get us time together before, and it didn't work. So now I'm faced with the same situation, and I guess I'm just worried about repeating the past. I'm doing things differently this time, but I still have been starting to get down a bit about the whole thing as we've not had a date in almost two months and sex isn't happening at the moment either. Once every two to three weeks maybe, and going down hill at that.

 

Do I just suck it up and power through the year knowing it's going to suck. Just chalk it and realize this year is going to be less then satisfying. Marriage has its ups and downs after all. Just be prepared for a down year? Is there anything else I can do to perhaps to gain her attention? It's not like she doesn't think about me. She will be at the store and see something she thinks I will like and gets it. She is thoughtful, thinks of me. She just doesn't prioritize her time to spend any with me outside of our home. I'm sure she is just exhausted, we both will be for a while now adjusting to our new temporary rolls.

 

Any hard working moms out there can give me a tip or two? What could your husband do to free up your time more so you want to spend more with him? I realize I probably sound needy. I promise I don't ask for much at all. I just need a night here and there just us two. Once a month even would be better then nothing.

 

Also I deal with abandonment issues from childhood. Probably has a lot to do with this. Last time I just sort of shut down and became distant after a while. I don't want to repeat my mistakes, but I don't want her to either. I don't want to feel like I did before. I became pretty depressed the last time.

 

Do we just sit down and discuss it? I don't like bringing up our past mistakes, I move forward. Also I like to give a person the opportunity to change, instead of accusing her of repeating her past mistakes before she has done so. We've both grown a lot in the 17 years. Some of our fights in the past were caused by either of us projecting past mistakes and bad behaviors we've made into new situations and not allowing the other to prove we have grown and changed. So there is that keeping me from bringing this up yet with her. It's only been a couple months after all.

 

 

I just need to not get myself into a funk about this and stay positive. I admit though, I'm already starting to feel bummed out about our lack of time together and I don't see it getting any better for a while. No date for two months, sex a couple times in that same time period. I'm getting down already and it's only just started. She only has a few hours to complete her masters. It will help us going forward. I fully support her going and I even encouraged her to go back and just finish she is so close. So it's not like this will last forever. It's really only about a year. Less even. I'm leaning towards sucking it up and not saying anything and just powering through and taking as much off her plate as possible and hoping she will free up a little more time for us.

 

I don't want to get stuck in a tit for tat mentality either. I think that was one mistake I made last time as well, thinking she sort of owed me time because I tried to create more time for her to spend it with me, but her time was spent with the kids or work or school. I didn't fit into her schedule at all, no matter how much time I tried to create for her to spend time with me. Then my mistake again was to [complain] about it, not attractive at all I know. I'm determined to be better this time. For both of us.

 

 

So any tips or advice? How to not get bummed out, look at the bigger picture and all that? Should I talk to her about this? I don't want to dig up the past, I feel any discussion might do just that.

 

Thanks for reading!

Edited March 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language and move to MLP

[NTV]

Can you take some time to surprise her after class with flowers/chocolate one day?

 

Would be a pleasant reminder to her and maybe make the other women in her class jealous. Also gives you a chance to see school and how she interacts and lay some of your anxiety to rest. Covers a lot of things all in one simple gesture.

[basil67]

This shouldn't all be falling on you. Yes, doing a masters while working full time is a huge load. But she's not managing good life balance, then it would appear she's taken on too much.

 

Can she take longer to do her Masters? Could she drop her working week down to 3 or 4 days per week? And yes, a full time housekeeper would be helpful if she can't drop her hours.

 

I would suggest you sort this out with the assistance of a marriage counsellor. Your wife MUST be part of the solution here. And there's no need to bring up the past. Simply talk about your concerns for the present and future.

[rushed]

I think it's quite commendable what you're doing to help out while she's in school.

 

Why did your date nights evolve into just sitting around the house? Did neither of you make any plans to go out?

 

When my boyfriend and I moved in together we vowed to have weekly date nights. Yeah, that didn't happen. BUT we still do go out pretty regularly. We both like going to concerts (unfortunately we have very different tastes in music, but we suck it up for the other person) so we're both always on the lookout for concerts we can go to. If you give her advance notice would this be something she'd be able to do with her schedule?

 

Finding a babysitter is such a chore. But what about going out on hikes as a family (this is one of my favorites to do)? The kids can go run ahead and that leaves you and the wife behind to soak up nature and catch up and chat as you walk. Or even a quick weekend camping trip. The kids are still around, but you're in a different setting and it can change everyone's attitude.

[HanGoesSolo]

She doesn't go to class, it's online courses. And she is a teacher, no chance she can cut hours or change careers. She did classroom, then went back to school to move more into the special education area. Now she is just shy a few hours so we talked about it and it makes sense to just finish it up.

 

I don't mind doing the housework btw. That isn't my complaint. I'm worried she won't make time for me. She buys gifts and does a lot of thoughtful things for me.

 

I could probably step up my game in the gift department. I've never been good at that stuff. I'm more of a show love through actions rather then gifts type person. I could definitely do more in that department. Thanks for the suggestion.

[aileD]

All I can say is this: Life happens. Kids are a lot of work. A house is a lot of work, school is a lot of work and I'm sure your job is a lot of work too.

 

Think of your relationship as a marathon. There will be some miles you sprint through feeling great and there will be some miles that you limp through thinking you'll never make it, but you persevere anyway.

 

I am not discounting your feelings at all. You have every right to feel put on the back burner. It's clear that you love your wife and enjoy being close with her and that you miss it. A lot of men would at this point fall vulnerable to an affair with a woman who flatters them and seems to pay more attention to them. Consider yourself a good man for not doing that.

 

This phase of your marriage won't last forever. Be open and honest with her about how you feel, while not looking over how hard she is working on everything else. You don't need to go out to have a date night. Maybe that's fun, but at this time it's not possible. You can make a date at home. Light some candles, give her a sensual massage. Order takeout and eat by candlelight, play a silly board game. Put yourself on her calendar. This time of home dates will pass. My kids are 16 and 13 and we are just starting to have fun going out to bars and stuff again.

 

The way you will fail is if you make her feel like what she's doing for herself isn't important. She is working hard on something that will end up benefitting both of you and your family down the line with better job opportunities and wages.

 

She's busy now but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it might be your time mbthe marriage now to take the initiative to plan time together.

 

In anysrriage there will be times when one of you isn't feeling it....and the other holds things together....that's ok. That's commitment and why marriage exists. It's if you both give up at the same time that it's a problem.

 

Mi do wish you the best

[aileD]

Also--take the love language test. Learn her love language and ask her to learn yours.

[40somethingGal]

Do I just suck it up and power through the year knowing it's going to suck. Just chalk it and realize this year is going to be less then satisfying. Marriage has its ups and downs after all. Just be prepared for a down year?

 

Any hard working moms out there can give me a tip or two? What could your husband do to free up your time more so you want to spend more with him? I realize I probably sound needy. I promise I don't ask for much at all. I just need a night here and there just us two. Once a month even would be better then nothing.

 

 

Yes. 15 years of marriage here and I can tell you it has its ups and downs. Yes, suck it up and power through. I'm 100% certain this isn't a joy ride for her either. Working, kids, husband, AND school is a huge demand. But, she realizes that she is going to better her career. This will trickle down to the family. She will be happier at work, have a great sense of accomplishment, and your family's finances will benefit. Also, your children will see hard work and commitment from both of you for the sake of education. Wouldn't it be great if she could say, "I have to thank my husband most of all for being be so supportive," rather than harboring resentment for not supporting her? It will be a tough year, but yes... suck it up.

 

TIP: What could you do? Don't demand her time the moment she has little free time. Let her sleep in on a Saturday morning while you make pancakes. Schedule activities/dates. Find something fun that you will both enjoy. I love Groupon for ideas. You can hire a babysitter if the grandparents are not available (if you are lucky, they may suddenly become available if they know you hired someone). If you cannot find a babysitter, you can still have fun as a family. Miniature golf, a carnival, a garden walk, a scenic drive, etc., as long as it's something you and your wife enjoy (not a G movie or kiddie playdate).

[HanGoesSolo]

I will add this. She is in education and I'm in sales. Retail. So basically she is off every weekend and I work weekends. She is off holidays and I work them. Our kids school starts at 8:50. She starts work at 7am. I always take the kids to school, it is important to me that I do this.

 

So she doesn't see them much at all until the evening. They go to bed around 9:30-10pm and she is in bed by 10:30-11. That doesn't leave much time for us to do things at the house. So date night at home isn't really possible unless someone is there to take care of the kids. Unless you call sitting down together to watch TV or something for an hour a date. Doesn't count as one in my book.

 

Maybe I should try and do stuff with her on her lunch break on days off. It's something.

 

I agree with the marathon analogy. If the best advice I get is "suck it up, this year will suck but think big picture, it's only a year" I'm willing to accept that. I just know I can be an emotional guy and wear those emotions on my sleeve. So it's hard for me to just suck it up. I was pretty upset on Friday night thinking, yep another week goes by and no chance at some alone time. Kids are allowed up until 10:30 on non school nights. So I went to bed early. Of course she could tell I was upset and asked me if I was mad at her. I said no I'm just tired and went to sleep. To be fair, I was tired. But I was upset at another week gone by, no intimacy, no date night. This is the type of thing I'm trying to avoid doing in the future. I don't want to cause her further stress. Work, school, kids. I work nights too, so I'm not always there to take care of the kids. I can imagine her work life balance is crap right now. I just don't want to be the one left out again as she makes time for everything else but me.

 

Before you say it, we've discussed the kids bedtime more then I can count. The time works for us for multiple reasons. But leaves little time for us to have alone time in the evening. That is why date night was so important to me. I feel it's more important to me then her, and honestly that does hurt. She is an amazing woman and she is stretched thin a lot in deciding where her time is best spent. I think often I'm not a top priority. Sometimes justified, sometimes I don't think so. That's times it hurts really. When I could have been top priority, but wasn't for whatever reason. I'm trying to be better because I think sometimes maybe I'm not desirable enough. Idk. Part of abandonment issues I've read is also low self worth issues. So when I get no priority for time, it hurts probably a little more for me then some people who don't deal with self worth issues. Just throwing that out there.

 

 

Btw I will say I've been to counseling. It wasn't for me. They just want you to talk and provide nothing but "bet that made you feel bad" and "how did that make you feel?" and "I bet it's tough going through that" basically nothing but a bunch of fluff that does nobody any good. Then it dawned on me that counselors don't get paid unless I keep coming back. There is no money in helping me overcome obstacles, the money is in keeping me coming back. So I think counseling is a bit of a scam personally. I'm not keen on going back at all. I would rather keep being introspective, reading online and discussing with others, and try new things for myself. Grow myself by learning and not repeating past mistakes. Getting advice from peers rather then a so called professional. I've never had a counselor give me any advice worth a damn, it's all talking about how I feel. Well that doesn't help me, it's like a masochists way of reliving their pain or something. It's just not for me. Plus I don't really trust people in the medical field. Too many bad apples looking to get paid, seeing what insurance pays them more for, then going that route instead of what is actually best for the patient. More money going x route then y route, so they treat with x route for everyone where y route would have been more beneficial for a lot. It's all about the dollar. Hard to trust these people. Especially those preying on your mental health. They just need to keep you coming back. They prefer to keep you damaged, there is more money in it for them. No money if they help you through an issue and you don't need them anymore. Doesn't make business sense to actually help someone if you are a psychiatrist. So yeah, I don't trust them. Not going back. I'll take my chances with a bunch of people I don't know who have lived and learned and I can take advice from them. Besides, Almost all counselors are divorced lol. Hard to take advice about my marriage from a bunch of divorced middle aged folks who can't even sustain a healthy relationship themselves. That would be like me going to Johnny Manziel for advice on how I can be a successful NFL quarterback. Doesn't make sense.

[40somethingGal]

I just don't want to be the one left out again as she makes time for everything else but me.

 

It feels like your are left out again (and you are right) as she makes time for everything else... "but me" is where you are wrong. Getting her Masters degree is not just for her. It's for her, for her (and your) children, and for you. It's her sacrifice and yours for the betterment of your family.

 

My husband and I have had ups and downs and times where I wanted more and was ready to throw in the towel. But, I supported him and I know it was best for our family (my children).

 

Neither of us have family nearby, so no built-in babysitters. We literally had YEARS without a two person date. We survived with family outings or long scenic car rides (the kids were treated to a movie and we just enjoyed each other's company and the views). When the kids started school, we would get up 1/2 hour to an hour early every morning to have coffee and adult time together.

 

You really need to find ways to fit it in. The kids grow so fast that they will be doing their own thing before you know it (and her Masters degree will seem like ancient history).

 

Most importantly, keep up that desire you have to be with one another! It will come, but for now your life is more than two of you.

 

Remember, this is for your children and for you too!

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes. 15 years of marriage here and I can tell you it has its ups and downs. Yes, suck it up and power through. I'm 100% certain this isn't a joy ride for her either. Working, kids, husband, AND school is a huge demand. But, she realizes that she is going to better her career. This will trickle down to the family. She will be happier at work, have a great sense of accomplishment, and your family's finances will benefit. Also, your children will see hard work and commitment from both of you for the sake of education. Wouldn't it be great if she could say, "I have to thank my husband most of all for being be so supportive," rather than harboring resentment for not supporting her? It will be a tough year, but yes... suck it up.

 

TIP: What could you do? Don't demand her time the moment she has little free time. Let her sleep in on a Saturday morning while you make pancakes. Schedule activities/dates. Find something fun that you will both enjoy. I love Groupon for ideas. You can hire a babysitter if the grandparents are not available (if you are lucky, they may suddenly become available if they know you hired someone). If you cannot find a babysitter, you can still have fun as a family. Miniature golf, a carnival, a garden walk, a scenic drive, etc., as long as it's something you and your wife enjoy (not a G movie or kiddie playdate).

 

Did you have some discussion about her going for the degree or is this something she decided on her own?

 

Agree with everything quoted. When my wife, also a teacher, went back for her Masters I told people "we're" going to graduate school and getting a degree because it's definitely a team effort. In my case, my wife was equally supportive of the demands my career made on us. Goes around, comes around...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HanGoesSolo]

Thank you for those last two posts. We did talk about it. In fact I was encouraging her to go for it. She wasn't sure if taking out another loan made financial sense for us. I assured her it would in the long run. Even if she didn't make more just because of the degree, it would open up other doors. We also considering relocating to another state and that state does pay more for masters degree and would make her job hunt much easier I assume as well. This was talked about a bunch before she decided to go for it.

 

Thank you for pointing out it is was an "us" decision. I really needed that. Right now im probably doing the "focus on her comfort and stress and in turn she can focus some time on me" type thinking. Wrong frame of mind and one that will probably lead me to resentment if I feel she isn't living up to her end of this unspoken agreement that I've made up in my mind. So again, thank you. I need to remember this always. She is doing just as much if not more work then me and it IS for us, not just herself. I need to rework my mindset. This is helping!

 

I'll be honest though, I'm rather selfish when it comes to this stuff. So sometimes I'll see her take on another project that she doesn't need to, she will volunteer for extra work activities. Fun stuff, like organizing a cook-off, or lunch, or event. She is really good at that stuff and enjoys it. Even if she says they stress her out, I know she performs way better stressed. So sometimes I see her take on another project, Mr lucky can tell you teachers work all the time. Even at home, they still are working on something else. So when she takes on yet another project, and say we haven't done anything together for a while, and that project eats into time we could be spending together, well I get jealous. She will go through great lengths to make work enjoyable for everyone. She goes through great lengths for me, but I can't help but feel sometimes I'm casually tossed to the back burner and work becomes way more important for her at times. So an hour we could spend together taking or whatever, she is on her computer ordering shirts or making flyers and she includes me into it. Which is great! It's not like she shuts herself off in another room to work, she will ask my opinions and advice and such. But we are taking about work, when we could be doing something fun together. But that stuff is fun for her lol.

 

So idk. I think sometimes I'm just being selfish. Sometimes I think I'm not, and that I do have a complaint. She goes through a bunch of effort planning those lunches and stuff, but on a Friday date night she had no idea what she wants to do, what she wants to eat, where she feels like going. She could spend all week planning something for work, but couldn't pick a restaurant when it was her turn to pick one. Didn't think about it at all until I ask "so where are we eating tonight?" Where as me, I'm living for the date nights. I sooooooooooo looked forward to them all day. I'm 33 and talking my co-workers all day long "I got a hot date tonight!" Like I'm still in highschool. I always got so excited for them. They sometimes felt like they were an afterthought for her. She put no thought into it at all most of the time. That after watching her for a month plan something for her co-workers to provide more fun at the workplace for everyone. Guess I get a little jealous is all.

Edited March 7, 2017 by HanGoesSolo

[aileD]

Ok. I'm on my phone so I'll try to get it all out, but my phrasing will be short so please forgive me.

 

The kids bedtime: they are old enough thst you can say "bedtime is 10:00 but you have to be in your room by 8:30. Read, play, etc but you're in your room winding down and we'll be in to say goodnight at 10".

 

In my opinion, You are too focused on "Date Night". The answer is YES- sitting down to watch something together CAN be me meaningful. You can lie together, cuddle, laugh together, etc. My husband will lay his head in my lap and caress my thigh while I run my fingers through his hair as we are watching TV. It's not a "hot date", but it's intimacy and THAT is more important than restaurants and day trips. Right now we are both on the couch, on our phones and we are sharing a pillow and caressing each other between typing. Don't think that just because you're not going out that you're time together isn't or can't be meaningful. It's not what you do, it's what you put into it.

 

I can understand how taking on other projects can be frustrating, but again. It's all part of building her career and a resume. Benefit to the family. Maybe she needs you to stop up and be more....dominant?.....and say "we are going to _____ for dinner tonight". God I wish my husband would do that. I make so many decisions a day, and when he is all "you pick the place" I get all pressured and then if he didn't like his dinner or something I feel all annoyed like if he just picked the place then it would be better.

 

I think it's loving and sweet that you look forward to the date nights so much. And I haven't heard anywhere in anything you said that would make me think she sees a problem or is unhappy in the marriage. I just think it's a busy time and I do think that your insecurities and boggling at you and putting doubts on your mind.

 

You need to get a babysitter. YOur kids are old enough that they can be watched by a high school kid. This needs to happen so you aren't dependent on family.

 

If you work retail, are you happy in it? I'm not sure what you do, but if you work in a store or something.... would you consider changing jobs? Who is the breadwinner? Is your job your dream like hers? I can tell you that working opposite schedules almost sank my marriage (amoungst other things). I worked the night shift for 8 years and we were ships passing in the morning. It was horrible. I'm in no way saying it should be YOU that changes your schedule or career or whatever if you value it highly, but doing something to be on the same schedule is only going to help you. (Besides who wants to work weekends and holidays!!!)

 

You need a new therapist. They all aren't out for money. You had a bad experience; they are not all like that. You have some underlying issues you've stated that will only benefit you and your family to work on.

 

I do wish you the best

[DKT3]

Life happens, however, your marriage has to be a priority. Honestly, from the way you describe the situation the marriage isn't your wife's priority.

 

She can make excuses about the future, you can make excuses for her about the future but life is happening while she's planning for the future. She is missing out on your kids growing up while over extending herself. You only get one shot.

 

I know the common theme of posts here seem to be let her do her thing and support her. That's fine but there has to be a balance, there has to be effort on her part to support you in being happy.

 

Power though? Not sure that's wise. Resentment builds, once on the other side you may not have much left to give.

 

Quick question, what do you do for yourself? Sounds like your entire existence revolves around her and making her life easier/better. What's being done by either her or you to make your life easier, more enjoyable?

[aileD]

Resentment only builds when we fail to work through our issues within ourselves when it comes to the actions of others.

 

He seems to be seeking understanding so that the resentment doesn't build and that is healthy.

 

I totally agree with the last paragraph---what are you doing for you? Hobbies? Friends?

[HanGoesSolo]

Happy enough at my job. I can't imagine a world where I would get paid to do what I love. My job pays well, benefits are light years better then her government issued crap insurance. I make a shade more then she does, but it's almost even. Might as well be because I pay more taxes by far and after insurance and 401k our take home is about the same. There is only one thing I can think of that would be amazing to get paid to do, sadly nobody gets paid doing it, lol. It's a labor of love. I need to support my family. Perhaps when I'm old I can retire to a life of trail upkeep and maintenance. Or guided trail tours or something like that. I'm an outdoors man at heart. I could spend my entire life sleeping in make shift lean to's and foraging for food. Hiking miles and miles on end, it's my only passion. We do share sports in common. When baseball season starts back up I'm sure we will sit and watch some games together.

 

Oh man dkt3. I didn't want to paint her wrong and perhaps I have on accident. She doesn't miss out, that's why the kids go to bed so late! She desires a lot of time with them. She plans their play dates and usually goes with them of field trips and such. Her job is very flexible when it comes to time off because she isn't in a classroom anymore. She sort of goes from school to school and has a case load of students. But yeah if she needs to step away for an hour to go on the kids field trips, she does. If she needs to take one to the doctor, it's usually her now. Before when she was in the classroom it was usually me who did these things because you can't just walk out on your class. She's not lacking time with the kids. She refuses to work summers so she has all that time with them.

 

Again, maybe I'm just being selfish. Maybe I'm just thinking of me and what I'm not getting. I'm very aware that I could be the problem in this equation. That's why I'm asking for advice on things to do and not do. Things to try and things to think about and remember. A different perspective.

 

As far as fun, I've already mentioned it. She has encouraged me to take more time off loads of times and to go on an overnighter or two night trip from time to time. Just to get away and she knows I love the outdoors so much. She's even purchased a trip for me for my birthday to another state. Plane ticket, hotel for the nights I wasn't in the Backcountry, rental car, everything. She does make an effort. Just not when it comes to us spending time together. Or maybe I'm just seeing it that way right now. But she is very thoughtful of me and has made more sacrifices for me then I can remember. I don't question her love, she does show it. I don't feel she cares more about her career then her family at all. It was me encouraging her to go back to school, I sort of talked her into it.

 

The few years ago when she was in school before, she literally put me on hold. I was an afterthought. An after afterthought. Like it was kids, work, school, dinner, dogs, cats, budget, food and water, laundry, then somewhere around there I fit in. Yeah, somewhere after laundry. That was the pecking order. But I did her no favors. I was bitching and moaning about not having time with her, instead of creating the time for us. I was resentful. I was hurt. I did a lot of things to make myself not attractive. So now I might have her in the front of my mind more so then ever because I don't want to get placed below laundry again. She is sorry about this. We've talked, she didn't understand how much I was hurting before.

 

Im not good at asking for things for my benefit. I could be on fire and someone could be standing next to me with a bucket or water and I would stop drop and roll before asking for help. I'm just not wired for it. I spent a great deal of my childhood alone. I've always been able to fend for myself. So coming to her about a concern I'm having, or an issue I'm having just doesn't happen like ever. I'll figure it out eventually. Sometimes it involves a fight or an argument, but it's almost never me who starts a fight. Although it probably has a lot to do with my actions why she starts a fight. So it might as well be me who started it. But we work things out well enough.

 

As far as power, yeah she is the leader of this house. But she isn't controlling and involves me on major decisions. Even minor ones of no concern to me, she will fill me in. She is by far a better leader then me, and I think of myself as a pretty good follower and support member of any team. I'm very adaptable and open minded. I tend to be better with words then she is, so I can articulate things to our kids better then she can to get them to understand. We make a good team. I have no problem having her in the driver's seat. She is the better leader after all. And I probably make a better support member then she does honestly.

 

As for being to focused on date night, well we were growing apart the last time she was in school. It took a good year to sort of get back on track. Yet we didn't ever do date nights before. I felt we were heading back to it, back to the back burner, we had another fight about it. Also her parents started seeing less of our kids due to their activities outside of school. Well, easy fix. They spend the night over there on Fridays, and we get our date night! We've never had a set date night before. This was an effort to reconnect again. Spend some quality time together where we aren't thinking of the daily grind. Just focus on one another.

 

It started with me picking the spots. Dinner, the movie we watched, things like that. These were amazing nights. No talk of work or anything like that. Just fun conversation, laughs and drinks and talking about the movie all night. Then there were a couple times she said she was just to tired from work, so we would stay home. That's fine, we ordered takeout and watched some Netflix. Then she started taking up more time at the gym to the point where I would get off at 6 come rushing home to get ready to go out, and I would be sitting there starving waiting for her to come home so we could go eat, only to be told she just wants to stay in for the night. She came home at 8 once and 8:30 the other time. Knowing I was off at 6. That happened twice. So these date nights went from amazing, to frustrating in just a couple months, and now they are all but gone. I pushed for these date nights. I pushed for the kids to go to bed earlier. I pushed for the vacations we've taken together. I've pushed for the alone time. I've tried spicing up the bedroom. I see her put effort in so many areas. She puts effort into my happiness, but I don't think she understands I don't need a gift to be happy. I don't need a new shirt she saw and thought I would love. I don't need a cake because she saw a shop and instantly thought of me and wanted to get me something. I don't need that stuff I just need alone time with her and I need her to put a little effort into it. She puts so much effort into everything else. She works hard and is extremely thoughtful of others. She just doesn't put forth the effort I would like when it comes to spending time alone together. It's like it is just not on her mind at all. Or no matter how important I try to make it seem to me, she just doesn't understand the importance I place on our alone time.

 

We've fought about it countless times. She will make a change, but within a couple months it's back to the old schedule, or something else suddenly takes priority one night, then it turns to two nights then a week then we are back to the same old thing. I don't need a weekly date night, but I sure would like one. I'll take what I can get at this point. As long as there is effort on her part to spend that time with me, I really don't care what we do. Thing is the best times I've ever had in my life was when it was just me and her together, just doing whatever. So I can't just let that go, I don't think I should have to and I'm more then willing to continue this fight.

 

But I've made some mistakes too in this fight for her time. Some that probably helped push her away before. I'm a little older now and maybe even a bit wiser, maybe. At least I can see some of the mistakes I've made and things I can do better. At least I think anyway. I probably need a new hobby as well, but idk what I can do. Maybe I can get involved with boy scouts or something. Maybe if she has to fight for my time instead of the other way around the effort will be there from her. Perhaps I'm too available. I'm usually at home or work. But a lot of time I work nights and weekends when they are off, so it's not like I'm always home when she and the kids are. So idk about that one either. But I guess that could be part of it for sure.

[NTV]

What can you do to find a nine-to-five job?

[aileD]

She puts effort into my happiness, but I don't think she understands I don't need a gift to be happy. I don't need a new shirt she saw and thought I would love. I don't need a cake because she saw a shop and instantly thought of me and wanted to get me something. I don't need that stuff I just need alone time with her and I need her to put a little effort into it. She puts so much effort into everything else. She works hard and is extremely thoughtful of others. She just doesn't put forth the effort I would like when it comes to spending time alone together. It's like it is just not on her mind at all. Or no matter how important I try to make it seem to me, she just doesn't understand the importance I place on our alone time.

 

I literally had to tell my husband: My love language is words of affirmation, this means that I feel you love me the most when you are verbal about it. Do do thst please.

 

Do the love language quizzes and go at I it that way. She's giving you gifts because maybe that's how she SHOWS love....where instead you FEEL love through time spent together.

 

Maybe she just needs to realize this (or be told). She loves you she's just not showing it in the way that is important for you to feel it

[mikeylo]

Maybe if she has to fight for my time instead of the other way around the effort will be there from her. Perhaps I'm too available. I'm usually at home or work. But a lot of time I work nights and weekends when they are off, so it's not like I'm always home when she and the kids are. So idk about that one either. But I guess that could be part of it for sure.

 

Thats game playing and could back fire. In the sense that she will think that now you are not interested in her anymore. Or it might work your way.Its a risk. You know her, so you will know how she will react to it.

 

When things get tough in a marriage or any LTR, sit and T.A.L.K.

 

Yeah, your love language seems to have gone out the window. Quality time is number one for a couple. Nothing beats having spent some lovey time together.My wife and I spend extra cuddle time in the morning to kick start the day. No distractions, no third person ! just two of us. Keeps spirits high the entire day.During the day we call each other just because.

[HanGoesSolo]

Thats game playing and could back fire. In the sense that she will think that now you are not interested in her anymore. Or it might work your way.Its a risk. You know her, so you will know how she will react to it.

 

When things get tough in a marriage or any LTR, sit and T.A.L.K.

 

Yeah, your love language seems to have gone out the window. Quality time is number one for a couple. Nothing beats having spent some lovey time together.My wife and I spend extra cuddle time in the morning to kick start the day. No distractions, no third person ! just two of us. Keeps spirits high the entire day.During the day we call each other just because.

 

 

No game playing from me. I'm not smart enough to pull that off anyway even if I wanted to. However I have read of many couples having issues, and intimacy issues at that, due to one of the partners being just too available and not having a life of their own. That was my thought, not game playing. Maybe I'm just too available and that leads to her mindset of "oh he'll be there when I need him" instead of sort of a desire for more time, it's like I'm always there so there is less priority to make time for me. Ya know? I don't think that is game playing. I probably do need another hobby, but at this stage in life, I doubt I will have time for it anyway.

 

As far as love languages, interestingly enough, her top one was quality time haha! Followed by acts of service. So I guess she just doesn't have the time? Well I'm picking up my acts of service game 100% to make that time.

 

Mine was physical touch, followed by quality time. Acts of service almost didn't register for me. Physical touch was a tad bit lower on her list then I would have imagined. But I don't know how accurate that test was tbh. If it gave me different sets of choices, I might have scored differently, and so could she have. Like anything compared to acts of service I would have chosen. So if it was comparing that to say gift giving, I would have scored higher on gift giving. I don't know how much you can accurately learn about a person from a 30 question quiz online. Besides, I would imagine those answers could change for you depending on how you feel that particular day. Like if I forgot to get her a gift for her birthday or something, and she took that test, her gift giving score would have been higher. Things like that.

 

There is one thing I've learned in 17 years with her is there is no magic buttons to push. No magic words to say, no magic actions to take in a relationship. They are fluid, and you have to be fluid yourself to always be the best support you can be for one another. Times change, thought processes change, environments change, people change. You need to be willing to step outside of your box and change with the times and with your family and loved ones to be the best spouse you can be.

 

Anyway, I've sort of opened the lines of communication on this front with the test. I'll keep trying new things and we'll figure it out. I think the best advice is just to suck it up and don't be a whining little kid about it. Just step up and be a man and support her in whatever area she needs. She would do it for me no question.

 

Thanks for the help folks!

[mikeylo]

You are taking a big risk. Be prepared for the fall out. It most likely will create more gap between you and her rather then close it. That will be very difficult to walk through.