Daily Diary of 20 year affair-need to share

[Noirek]

Just because the journals are full of her AP doesn't mean her primary relationship was not full of love and what not. You see, the affair was her secret life. One she could only share with her AP. No internet, just a journal. Her marriage was something she could process and share with everyone around her so no need to write it down in detail.

 

If she had a fight with her husband, she could talk to her mom or a close girlfriend or her AP. If she had a fight with her AP she could talk to... her diary. Same thing for her feelings and good things that happened.

 

But I would definetly let sleeping dogs lie. Life does have grey areas that are a matter of opinion. And going out of your way to disrupt people in the twilight years lives serves no purpose.

[merrmeade]

Yes, don't disturb the living at this late stage, but one should never destroy records of the times. When they and even you are gone, this will be a story, not only about people who can no longer be hurt by it, but about the turn of a century, the life in a certain city in a certain state in the US, even the mores of an active older lady at the end of the 20th century.

 

I was just contacted by someone whose husband just found out that his biological mother was a descendent of my great-uncle. I have all kinds of pictures and names he is just learning about. He's hurting no one and helping himself heal. No one cares now about protecting OR censuring his dead parents who gave him away. It's freaking history and you don't throw it away.

 

I've had this question about my kids. When I die, there will be a paper trail of my husband's four infidelities (only one of which they know about) that I've kept with me for me, not for posterity. I don't read them any more, but it's not fair that his only consequence was watching my misery, though I did participate in the partial rug-sweeping. At least these papers (and digital files on my computer) are my witnesses. Whether anyone ever reads them, they're mine, a testimony that it happened.

 

Maybe that's how your grandmother felt. It's more about our lives, not who was right or wrong. It's a part of her and so she kept it close. Now, it's just a record, a story. But that's what history is and no one should play God with what's okay and what's not okay to preserve about history in my opinion. It happened; it's not for you to change or destroy it - in my opinion.

[merrmeade]

Another example: It's a common reaction to prefer to bury, what you think will be, hurtful information, not to share what's shaming and shameful.

 

I remember my mother interviewing my grandmother before she became too infirm to talk. She asked her about notorious 19th century outlaws who were her mother's cousins - more than 100 years before. My grandmother had been taught this was a disgraceful part of family history that we should sweep under the rug and asked my mother to talk about something else.

 

It seemed ridiculous since the Younger brothers were already in history books, but out of respect no one argued with her. Yet, it's a shame to me it's gone, and we never heard it. Her story was also history.

[dichotomy]

You have read them - you understand a part of your grandmothers real life. Everyone else would prefer to retain their own view of who she was or the life they had. Since you know the story and no one else wants to - I would simply put them deep away in storage.

 

My now wife (then younger and recently out of her first marriage) father suddenly passed away - she found his diaries - decades of cheating and sex addiction on her mom. It messed her up really badly - she reacted badly to finding out who her dad was - she acted out like him - and her actions to this day ruined OUR marriage. Sometimes ignorance and a pleasant false view of your loved ones is a better option.

Edited March 7, 2017 by dichotomy

[elaine567]

I think some people keep journals to tell their story.

I am not sure if everyone who keeps a journal for decades truly wants it destroyed unread or the contents kept secret when they are gone.

I guess dichotomy's wife's father wanted his past known about, else he would have made doubly sure HE destroyed the journals or hid them in an unreachable place to save anyone finding them.

Most want to leave some sort of legacy and what better way to reach down through the decades than to leave a journal behind. They live on through their own words. I think it is a crime to destroy such history.

 

I think some avid journals keepers may find the reactions of those who eventually read their journals amusing.

"YOU thought I was this prim and proper housewife, this boring family man, but in reality THIS is the real me.

This is my real story."

[dichotomy]

I think some people keep journals to tell their story.

I am not sure if everyone who keeps a journal for decades truly wants it destroyed unread or the contents kept secret when they are gone.

I guess dichotomy's wife's father wanted his past known about, else he would have made doubly sure HE destroyed the journals or hid them in an unreachable place to save anyone finding them.

Most want to leave some sort of legacy and what better way to reach down through the decades than to leave a journal behind. They live on through their own words. I think it is a crime to destroy such history.

 

I think some avid journals keepers may find the reactions of those who eventually read their journals amusing.

"YOU thought I was this prim and proper housewife, this boring family man, but in reality THIS is the real me.

This is my real story."

 

 

His death was unexpected/instant and he was relatively young. My guess is he kept the journals1) for his own pleasure in recalling his exploits or maybe 2) for addiction therapy he had decided to finally get the last 12 months before he died. I dont know if he had the journals out when he passed in his sleep, or if they were discovered under a mattress, but I am sure he did not expect to die at this age.

 

If he only knew what he did to his daughter and others by having that stuff written down. I am sure that was not his intent, but its what happened. So many lives continued to be changed in negative ways with that "truth" after he died.

 

I have changed my mind OP - burn them and never speak of it.

Edited March 7, 2017 by dichotomy

[road]

You don't know that they never got caught...

 

No one in my husbands family knows about my affair....

If they were to find out and take it upon themselves to "do good" and reveal it to everyone in the family... what good could possible come from it?

 

We certainly know about it and handled it the way we wanted to handle it.

 

Some people keep their affairs private... they deal with them privately.

 

It doesn't mean that those involved don't know... it means that it was never talked about.

 

Especially two generations ago... when people stayed married regardless.

 

It was a different time ... socially. People lived their lives much more privately than we do now in a twittering world.

 

 

 

If they did get caught then the BW already knows.

 

 

And being told that there is a written record of the affair it gives the

BW the opportunity to ask that they get destroyed to kill the story

 

 

If the BW never knew or new a small fraction due to trickle truth now

has the opportunity to decide for herself to see if her WH was honest

or lied to her about the affair. It has been said here countless times

it is for the BS to decide how much of the truth that they get. No one else.

 

 

As to WGM/wayward grandma Ann Landers back in the 1960's said it best: do no put anything into writing that you would not want printed in the

newspaper.

 

 

Journals are never private for journals can never be kept out of the hands of others. People can live in denial. Call them private all they want. Others

have and always will be reading them.

[road]

I think some people keep journals to tell their story.

I am not sure if everyone who keeps a journal for decades truly wants it destroyed unread or the contents kept secret when they are gone.

I guess dichotomy's wife's father wanted his past known about, else he would have made doubly sure HE destroyed the journals or hid them in an unreachable place to save anyone finding them.

Most want to leave some sort of legacy and what better way to reach down through the decades than to leave a journal behind. They live on through their own words. I think it is a crime to destroy such history.

 

I think some avid journals keepers may find the reactions of those who eventually read their journals amusing.

"YOU thought I was this prim and proper housewife, this boring family man, but in reality THIS is the real me.

This is my real story."

 

 

 

Bragging about the bad things one did in a journal is nothing to brag

about.

[wmacbride]

I can't help but think that the grandmother never intended for them to be read by anyone, as the affair was a secret and likely not one she would want broadcast far and wide.

 

Base don what the op says, the journals are heavy on the A, light on other details about her life, which makes me think that keeping them does little to memorialize the family history.

[wmacbride]

Bragging about the bad things one did in a journal is nothing to brag

about.

\True enough.

 

Also, when I was a kid, the idea that someone would read another's personal diary or journal woudl have been frowned on. The woman is this situation is not capable of granting permission to read her private journals, and they should be keep it as just that, private.

[Lady Hamilton]

Releasing this information to somebody else is exploitation of a disabled, mentally stricken woman. Period. And it's using that exploitation to play God in another person's life for no reason other than selfishly being able to pat yourself on the back for doing what you think is right. It is literally no different than draining her personal finances. Even if you're donating it all to charity, it is still abusing your position of trust to give away what belongs to the person you've been appointed to protect.

 

If the BW knows, you're reopening old wounds and violating a disabled woman.

 

If the BW doesn't know, you've given instability and chaos to an elderly couple of unknown health and their whole family over something that's 35+ years in the past. And violated a disabled woman.

 

Throwing a bomb in somebody's life so you can have the satisfaction of saying magnanimously from your ivory tower "now she has a choice and knows the truth because I told her" is a special kind of awful thinking. A level of selfishness and broken morality that completely dwarfs what was going on in the affair.

 

And I highly doubt she was bragging. Bragging requires an audience and accolades. Clearly this wasn't intended for an audience. She was recording her life and getting her thoughts out. Hardly Lex Luther chuckling about getting one over on Superman.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I have created a document in word on my computer that tells our story. It is hidden several layers but it could certainly be found. I keep it because i want to remember the story accurately and I also have John's side of the story there as well.

 

It also makes it easier to post our story should i desire to do so on a forum full of strangers.

 

But it is NOT a document I want my children to find or my grandchildren to find.

 

I did not write in for anyone to read except me.

 

I have also written our life story...excluding the affairs...this document is for my family...full of details about our life together. I don't care who reads it.

 

If I ever find out that I am terminally ill...I will delete the affairs documents.

 

We don't know what the intent of another person is....and speculating is not really fair to them.

 

This issue of informing the bw all these years later may sound noble to those who think it should be done...but first of all...we don't know if she already knows....and second of all...we don't know how she feels bout it. She is a stranger...so for us to presume that this elderly woman NEEDS to know or WANTS to know is ridiculous.

 

Sometimes I think we overstep boundaries and interfere in other peoples lives...when it really is none of our business.

 

If this Grandmother felt that the other woman had the right to know....she would have told her. We don't know if she did that or not. If the AP wanted his wife to know ...he too would have told her. Again we don't know what he did.

 

But whether or not she knows...is truly none of our business....and I truly feel absolutely no good can come out of a stranger informing her about an affair a long time ago.

 

I doubt if we are all going to come to a 100% agreement on this...because some people feel that the right thing to do is to tell regardless of the outcome.

 

But when push comes to shove...we all do what we believe is the right thing....But I think we need to remember...the right thing for me...may not be the right thing for you....and I think it would be terribly wrong to risk hurting other people because we want to do the noble thing...especially when...it truly does not affect us one way or the other.

[merrmeade]

We don't know what the intent of another person is....and speculating is not really fair to them.

...

Sometimes I think we overstep boundaries and interfere in other peoples lives...when it really is none of our business.

My now wife (then younger and recently out of her first marriage) father suddenly passed away - she found his diaries - decades of cheating and sex addiction on her mom. It messed her up really badly - she reacted badly to finding out who her dad was - she acted out like him - and her actions to this day ruined OUR marriage.

These two posts have made me think (about what I thought I thought). Thank you both.

[Cephalopod]

So Jooles, what are you going to do?

[Mrs. John Adams]

These two posts have made me think (about what I thought I thought). Thank you both.

 

Merremeade...no one in our family knows we post here.

If they were to find my affair document on my computer... they would have no clue as to why I wrote it.

 

What if they reacted like some here... oh she is just bragging about her affair!

 

We should find the other man.

 

In reality ... I write it in hopes of helping others.. the complete opposite...

 

So how can we know someone else's intentions or heart?

 

I can give you another example of something in my life that did involve a diary....

 

As a young teen age girl I kept a diary like most girls do.

 

When john and I had sex for the first time... I put it in my diary.

 

Little did I know that my mother was reading my diary... words that were only written for me. My mother confronted me about having sex... forbid me to ever see john again. I was 16 years old and in love....

 

That was when john decided to marry me and take me away from my mom.

 

I burned my diary .... and every letter john ever wrote to me while he was in boot camp. I never wanted anyone to ever read my private things again.

 

Now... I would give anything to have all those letters back. They were a huge part of our past.

 

Whether the things we write privately are right or wrong... just like my having sex.... it is still private and was not meant to be shared or judged.

 

It was wrong for me to have sex before marriage... but it was also wrong of my mom to read my private diary.

 

And her reaction was certainly wrong....

[Cephalopod]

Jooles must be a grad student doing a covert survey.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We have a lot of those

[NikonRN]

I journal constantly. I am an introvert with my emotions and rarely share that part of my life with people. I put good thoughts and actions down to remember later as there is dementia in my family. I put bad thoughts and actions down to purge them, get them out of my head so I don't let them tear me up inside. I have journals to specific people in my life, like my son, who I have kept thoughts related to him and milestones since way before he was even conceived (went through infertility). My parents died young and I never knew their hearts truly so I started one for my child. My bad actions? On paper? Isn't bragging. I remind myself by reading them, how bad it makes me feel and I don't want to go backwards. Most of my journals will be mailed to one person upon my death and they know why I keep them. My son knows to get his. If someone else sees them after I die, so be it...but those temporary thoughts, feelings and behaviors don't define me as the person I truly am. No one else should judge my heart on those purge journals, because that is what they are, a means to purge destructive feelings. I don't intend for anyone other than me (and the person I've tasked to destroy them) to read them. Just my two cents.

[dichotomy]

The thing is sometimes you read your old writings - or those old writings of a spouse - and they could very well be a different person then exists now. Heck they could have been a bit of BS fantasy back then.

 

When I first stumbled on my wife's emails - I took them all literally - then I realized some were lies, or fantasy that never happened.

[Mrs. John Adams]

When we write... we convey our perceptions at the time. We can and usually do change our minds about things as we grow in life and maturity.

 

I read some of the things I said to my husband after my affair .. and I not only do not remember saying them... I can't believe I was capable of saying them.

 

Even rereading some of my older posts here... I have changed my mind about some things.

 

This grandmother would certainly be embarrassed that her grandson not only found her diary but read it. Of that you can be certain.

[Confused48]

I had to go back a re-read the original post bc I kept reading here about how we should protect the poor disabled woman. Protect her in her last days. Protect her privacy.

 

Dale's wife is not disabled. It is the cheater that is disabled. She didn't think of the affects of her affair when she was able bodied. Dale's wife is fully functional and probably entitled to life time support from Dale. And may have been wondering for years why Dale was suck a prick to her but had no reason to throw him out.

 

It is Dale's wife that deserves the truth. It is her that deserves pity, not the disabled cheater. The law hunts down criminals of all kinds without regard to age or infirmity. Being old or infirm should not offer an escape from evil acts and the consequences of them. She deserves whatever scorn she gets in her last days.

 

Should have come sooner but it is not too late. There are few BS's who ever wish they didn't have the truth. Very few. Lots of WS here posting about how we should protect the poor BS from what they can't handle. Let the BS know the truth. They can always choose to disregard it if that suits them best.

[Lady Hamilton]

So dignity for disabled, infirm, elderly people is only to be given if, upon going through their property, it's determined they're worthy?

[magnesium]

I think Dale's wife should know the truth.

 

Stories like this really make me wonder if marriage is worth it.

[Jooles]

Thanks for all the input!! To clarify, my grandma is not really disabled, per se, but does have lapses in memory. Yes, a family member at one time directly asked her if she had an affair with Dale and she said no. During the time they were involved she spent a great deal of time with him and it was not done secretly-it was assumed they were only friends.

 

Many times I have wondered if Dale's wife knew, or would want to know now. I decided it would not be in anyone's benefit to disclose it.

 

I would never burn the journals-I get a great deal of pleasure reading them, and when they one day go to my own kids, they will have far less interest in them than I do, as they are not very close to Joan, and were not alive during the time of the journal'S writing. The day to day notations are so very interesting to me and I have a vivid recollection of that time and love to read Joan's notations.

 

Joan was not a great wife, mother, nor even grandmother. She was very narcissistic and self centered. However she is who she is and no one can change that.

[goodyblue]

Bragging about the bad things one did in a journal is nothing to brag

about.

 

Maybe it wasn't bad to her. maybe it was her only happy spot. Maybe she really loved her AP. Maybe it wasn't bragging as she didn't announce it to the neighbors. Maybe your judgement speaks more of your bitterness and less of her folly.